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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I still hate the bitch.....

68 replies

housewifedesperate · 20/02/2017 22:33

The stupid little cunt that was the other woman.
Why? I want this hatred to go.....I know she's undeserving of my emotions but I can't help it.
Just when I think she can do no more, she does. She's been a cunt to me and a cunt to my children.
I don't know what I want from this message but just wanted to vent. How can people be so evil.
Btw, I know my ex h is also a cunt, he just doesn't seem to revel quite as much in the drama as his dumb girl friend

OP posts:
NotJanine · 21/02/2017 09:54

So sorry to hear of the hurt you are feeling. Also sorry to hear of the effect it is having on your kids. Does your daughter have to wait till she is 18 to stop seeing him?
I am not going to tell you you are directing your anger in the wrong place as I understand the hatred you can feel towards another woman. It is not a nice way to feel and it is not useful or productive either. I'm also distracted by trying to understand how someone can act that like - do they know that they are total cunts?

I hope that counselling will help you. I am going to try some self-help books to try and focus on myself, get a more positive perspective and lose the hate.

NotJanine · 21/02/2017 09:58

I do find that listening to the 'You're a cunt' video on youtube can help to diffuse angry thoughts (but not a useful long term solution!)

housewifedesperate · 21/02/2017 10:15

Not heard of that janine, will have a watch.
I just hate feeling such hatred as I know neither the ex h or the girl friend is worth it and I genuinely want to move on.
I just worry for the future and my poor children. They didn't ask for any of this and I know shit things happen to people all the time, it's just that they've had this deliberately inflicted on them.

OP posts:
NotJanine · 21/02/2017 10:45

You might not like the video, I first heard about it from someone on MN. It makes me laugh, it's silly. Makes me feel less alone in having to deal with a cunt!

And worrying about your kids is par for the course. We just have to do the best we can with whatever shit life throws at us. The fact that you do care shows they're lucky to have you.

housewifedesperate · 21/02/2017 11:02

Thanks janine, sounds like you know where I'm coming from

OP posts:
Skooba · 21/02/2017 11:10

Definitely get counselling because being able to vent and offload all the angry emotions is so good. I don't see how anyone get's over things otherwise.

And feeling hurt on behalf of your DCs is really hard to deal with and to move past.
Writing things down can help stop situations going round and round in your head on repeat. I tried EMDR stuff on Youtube to help clear some presistent shamefilled memories I had (but it might help with anger) and it seemed to help me. Info about it is online.

HmmOkay · 21/02/2017 11:44

You sound strong, OP. That's good.

I also think some of the anger comes from having to move house. Presumably you chose that house with your ex, put your stamp on it, brought up children there and now all of you have to move through no fault of your own. The one stable thing through all this was your home and now that's going too. You are in limbo waiting to move so that anxiety is also feeding in.

I think you'll feel more positive when you get into your new house. Can you throw your energies into making over your new bedroom? It will be yours, only yours, and you can make it exactly the way you want. I know money is an issue, but paint is cheap. Talk to your daughters for any ideas that they may have for their rooms, try to gently guide them towards thinking about the future. Making the new house yours is one way to do that.

When you've settled a bit, can you see if there is anything that you might enjoy locally? Pilates, craft group, gardening club, pub quiz, that sort of thing? Nights are getting lighter now, so maybe a nice walk occasionally with your daughters when you get in from work? I know it may not work for you but I know people find their animals an absolute lifesaver in uncertain times. Would it be possible to get a dog or a cat?

Isetan · 21/02/2017 12:19

Not only is your anger not of a benefit to you and your DD's, it could be detrimental, which means you need to make more of an effort to address it.

The people in your life who keep relaying social media nuggets from OW are not your friends! Everytime they start, shut them down and tell them that every time they choose to 'update' you shit stir they are hurting you and if they do it again, you will prioritise your mental wellbeing by cutting their arses off.

You have been treated very badly and you have every right to be upset and angry by the behaviour of both your Ex and the OW but it doesn't define you or your DD's. Change the narrative in your head, the current move is an opportunity not a something terrible as a direct response of your Ex's shitty behaviour. I don't mean to be insincere but you need to stop being the victim of their shit, even when the shit is ongoing.

I can't stop my Ex from being the shit that just keeps on giving but I am in control over how I respond and best way I can support DD, is by being available to help her to work through her feelings without her worrying about my feelings. Remember when they were little and they'd hurt themselves and they would immediately look to you to validate their response, if you were panicked, they would most likely panic and howl but if you were sympathetic and reassuring that they could cope, more often then not, they would. Well it's the same now.

Anger has its usefulness for galvanising us into action but its usefulness has a short shell life and it will become corrosive if you choose to hang on to it to long.

cafenoirbiscuit · 21/02/2017 12:55

Sh'es created a vacancy, hasn't she. I'd not trust him as far as I could throw him - to quote Rachel from Friends: 'Once a cheater, always a cheater'. This will come back and bite them on their cheating asses.
Positive vibes to you and your kids in your lovely new home Flowers

NotJanine · 21/02/2017 12:56

Isetan that is a wonderful post. I know this isn't my thread, but I am really struggling at the moment and your words are really inspiring. Hope the OP thinks so too.

Can I ask how you managed to get yourself into this frame of mind? I know it's all about retraining your brain, but it's finding the techniques that work.

MusicToMyEars800 · 21/02/2017 13:04

I feel for you OP, but what goes around comes around and karma can be a bitch so the sour faced cow will get her comeuppance!! and your so called friends aren't doing a very good job in being friends to you and helping you to move on from the whole situation.. try and distance yourself for a while and avoid social media if you can or just block her.

skilledintheartofnothing · 21/02/2017 13:32

Maybe a nice picture for a birthday card Wink

I still hate the bitch.....
housewifedesperate · 21/02/2017 13:35

Thanks isetan and cafe noir. Really appreciate your words.

OP posts:
housewifedesperate · 21/02/2017 13:37

Skilled in the art, funny (and v true!)
Janine, was thinking the same thing. Would love to be able to change my way of thinking, it's not that easy though, otherwise we'd be doing it!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 21/02/2017 18:12

housewife huge hugs, Thanks

housewifedesperate · 21/02/2017 19:58

I'll take the hugs (and the advice) greyhound!
Feeling a bit better today actually thanks to everyone on here x

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 22/02/2017 12:40

Glad you are feeling better. I went to Taekwan-do yesterday and a bit of punching, chopping and kicking (they don;t call it chopping!) and I felt better. Physical activity is good in that your mind has to engaged on that, if you cut the grass, prune the roses, do a sport etc you need to focus, or you may run over the electrical cable, chop off your prize rose or chop your opponent n the face! All this helps I think to get your focused off the negatives of hate/anger etc. BUT I am a very nonphysical person so need to take my own advice.

Thanks
housewifedesperate · 22/02/2017 17:20

Yeah, definitely greyhound. It's about taking your active mind off things as well. Was looking at joining a gym near me to pump some iron!
I realise I overthink things and when I have free time can't help but chew things over. When I'm very busy I don't have the time to think.

OP posts:
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