Is my bf a narcissist?

[plotisgone]

I need help.

I will have to fudge some details so I'm not detected but hopefully the point will still be made.

I have been with him for 18 months. Never knew him before that. At first it was fantastic, thought all my prays were answered. Then attitude started to drift in. At first I thought he was having problems because of a bad relationship with the mother of his son. She stopped access, was abusive physically towards him and cheated which is why he left (only had his side, I don't know her). The attitude became more like attacks - name calling (cretin, retard), blaming (well I wouldn't get wound up if you didn't moan). I avoid moaning or doing anything to upset him, to the point of having no personality!

I began by saying things like 'this needs to stop, I cannot accept this'. Then saying nothing. Very occasionally I lose the plot completely, once I cried to point of gasping for breath and begging him to be nice, another time I shouted at him like I wanted to murder him (which I did want to at the time!)

He's extremely Jekyll and Hyde and, until recently, the wave off the good times would sails through the bad. But now it's as though I can't enjoy the good times because it can literally be absolutely anything that can set him off again.

Can anyone relate to this?! Does he sound like a narcissist? If so, what can I do? If not, what does it sound like?!

Of course you feel desolate. Nobody feels elated after realising the man they thought they loved is an abusive bastard! You're in a really tough situation. Anyone would feel shitty. Please don't beat yourself up over having emotions! It's completely normal to be upset right now

I don't have anyone to go to realistically. A couple of friends have said I can go but I really get the impression they are just doing the 'right thing' and offering. They are worried (because I have warned them) that the trouble will follow me to their door and nobody wants that, especially if they have kids etc. So tbh I wouldn't impose.

He never tries to stop me seeing my friends or family but he never comes along anymore. I also never get invited to go to his friends, I stopped asking to go a while back when I realised it was an abuse trigger.

Every day I change my mind several times with what to do. I feel like I need to fall asleep and wake up to the future where it's all been decided and carried out on my behalf. I am losing my mind I think 😰

OP you've done so well already with recognising what's happening to you and looking for advice. Leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is never easy but that doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do.

I really recommend doing as much googling and reading up on abusive relationships as you can. Hopefully that can give you more strength and more certainty that leaving is the right thing to do. You deserve so much more than to be constantly walking on eggshells and trying not to trigger the abuse. That's no way to live. Leaving isn't easy but it will be the right decision, and the best decision you could make for your baby. You just need to convince yourself of that.

Are you working? can you fit in doing the freedom programme ?

Sweetie - maybe the reason his ex doesn't let him see his child any more is because of the way he behaved towards him/her? Maybe he slapped the baby for crying? Maybe he wanted him/her left in a cot to 'cry it out' so he could be the centre of his ex's world?

You've worked it out. It just hasn't got as bad as it's going to yet, so it's bearable. Life seems more OK than not and you think you can handle it. What about when you're exhausted, bleeding, the baby is screaming and he's yelling at you because you haven't scrubbed the kitchen floor on your hands and knees? Will the so called 'good times' outweigh that (because it's almost certain that will happen).

Go now. Find yourself a new life. One that doesn't have a bastard of a man in it.

I bet you'd be able to look after yourself fine, whatever you think now. When I left my EA husband, every adult task seemed impossible - and then, when I'd achieved something like opening a bank account, I'd feel elated at what I'd achieved and how straightforward it had actually been!

Life is a lot more simple without someone dragging you down all the time.

I work full time but will look into the freedom programme- never heard of it!

I have only been alone for a few weeks in the past, only once where I've not lived with parents or a housemate so that's what I find hard to cope with too. I'm not making excuses, just laying out even more of my worries.

Thank you for the messages I keep reading through and know what I must do. How will I ever trust again after failing to recognise my situation until it was too late 😒

Do not stay with a bully because you are scared of the future - do you realise how shallow that is, esp re the 1K, fuck that, he's calling you a cretin and a retard and blaming you for everything that goes wrong in his life.

And you've only known him 18 months! He should be showering you in adoration and trying to impress you, but instead the mask has slipped and you're now seeing that he's really just a nasty bully who gets off on lording it over a woman.

What's attractive about that, I don't care how nice he can be at times, this is not normal OP; maybe it is for him but surely you need and want more from a relationship than just existing, oh and being put down.

Good, please do look it up. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
It is best to get to the local meetings to get rl info, support. & firstly & most importantly, to understand what a web of harm he is spinning around you. (& your unborn child)
but if impossible you can do it online.
It is not only for "battered" women, it is about control, manipulation & abusive relationships