Is my bf a narcissist?

[plotisgone]

I need help.

I will have to fudge some details so I'm not detected but hopefully the point will still be made.

I have been with him for 18 months. Never knew him before that. At first it was fantastic, thought all my prays were answered. Then attitude started to drift in. At first I thought he was having problems because of a bad relationship with the mother of his son. She stopped access, was abusive physically towards him and cheated which is why he left (only had his side, I don't know her). The attitude became more like attacks - name calling (cretin, retard), blaming (well I wouldn't get wound up if you didn't moan). I avoid moaning or doing anything to upset him, to the point of having no personality!

I began by saying things like 'this needs to stop, I cannot accept this'. Then saying nothing. Very occasionally I lose the plot completely, once I cried to point of gasping for breath and begging him to be nice, another time I shouted at him like I wanted to murder him (which I did want to at the time!)

He's extremely Jekyll and Hyde and, until recently, the wave off the good times would sails through the bad. But now it's as though I can't enjoy the good times because it can literally be absolutely anything that can set him off again.

Can anyone relate to this?! Does he sound like a narcissist? If so, what can I do? If not, what does it sound like?!

We are all capable of being nasty, nobody is perfect. But to verbally abuse with name calling like cretin, well. He is a prick!

You sound as though your trying to make him see how much he hurts you, he probably does see but doesn't care. Caring partners don't call each other cruel names hmm

I would have a break, think your options over etc. You deserve better op.

I would end the relationship.Some of this ,including blaming the previous partner for violence sounds very like my abusive ex husband who said the same about his first wife.I now think that there was a lot that I wasn't told and that she was driven to distraction by his unreasonable behaviour.I have been divorced from him for nearly 20 years after a ten year marriage but he is still causing me problems.So please get out before you become more of a victim.

Look I have been with a card carrying narcissistic. They are hollow shells of beings who do not have a nice side they just are very good at pretending they do. The therapist he saw told me to run and don't look back and take my daughter as far away as I can.

This is precisely what I did.

Your partner is abusive. End of.

Please leave him. He won't change they never do.

You could lose more than £1K if you stay. The stakes for leaving will only get higher.

I have no idea if he has NPD but everything you describe certainly fits the description of an emotional abuser and an utter arsehole. He is isn't like that because of his previous relationship, he's like that because he's self centred, rude, manipulative and verbally abusive. This is far more likely to be why his past relationship broke up. All arseholes like this have an ex who cheated and/or was abusive and who stops them seeing their kids. It's a well worn script but every one of them thinks they are the first to write it, as well as being the most convincing at playing it out. Once you've reached your limit and had a gutful (which you will, he's ghastly) you will be the cheating/abusive ex who doesn't let him see his child to the next poor women taken in by his act.

If abusive men weren't capable of being lovely for a while, nobody would be with them.

OK, if you know you have to leave but don't know if you have the strength, do two things. Firstly, tell yourself it'll only get harder to leave. Then, write a list of all the reasons to go. Add to it as you think of things. It's natural to forget the bad things when he's crying and telling you he'll change - so this'll be something to keep you strong when he tries to draw you back in.

You'll lose 1k? It's worth it, do what the ex did and run for the hills.

He calls you a retard and a cretin, why the fuck would you stay and accept that?

Wake up, you're going to be a parent, do not bring a child into that sort of household and stop making excuses.

He's a pathetic excuse of man and he won't change. He's showing you who he is, listen and leave.

Surely your childs future wellbeing is worth more than £1000?

He's just a dick, stop trying to make excuses or you'll be back on these threads again and again and again.

Why do you want to put up with an asshole like him? Get some self esteem.

He's abusive. You need to do what his ex did and leave. £1K is nothing compared to what you would lose if you stay with this c*ck.

None of this is your fault - you haven't been naive to take up with him...you're a decent, empathetic, emotionally healthy person and you judge others by your own standards. When someone presents as a good sort you proceed with good faith because you are trustworthy. That's what normal people do.

It is common for abusive behaviour to set in and escalate within a relationship when the woman falls pregnant or has a baby. Abusers know you are far less likely to give up on the relationship and leave once you are tied to them with a child.

Going by what you have said thus far I think you should make plans to go. He calls you a cretin and a retard (so hateful) and you walk on eggshells to avoid 'provoking' him. It's no way to live and it won't get better. You should live a harmonious life, being yourself and feeling cherished.

Life is too short to sacrifice your own personality and happiness for an abusive excuse of a man, narc or not.

your searching for an Excuse for his behaviour... there isn't one...

your defending his behaviour... by claiming he's ever so lovely afterward.. of course he is... he's gotten away with his crap again...

you know what you need to do... but reading between the lines... you will not do it x

Leave him

Forget about whether or not he's a narcissist. What I'm more interested in is why you think you have to put up with being treated so abysmally. You seem so willing to be trampled on,

Getting pregnant in such a crap relationship was unwise. How far along are you? In your shoes I'd be backpedaling like fury.

From what you're saying I expect you'll make excuses for this man right up until you too are his ex. I suspect that if you met up with his ex you would find what she has to tell you far too familiar. He really doesn't sound like a good man.

The amazing man at the start was a mirage.
I'd be worrying less about genetics and more about the damage you will do to a child by staying.
So there was physical abuse in his previous relationship but it was all her fault...?
Red flag bunting.

He will hit you one day.

Better to lose 1k than lose the rest of your life. It's irrelevant what personality disorder he would be diagnosed with. Hes an abusive prick who will make your entire life a misery and you need to run for the hills.

FFS! Stop looking for ways to define his behaviour. You know he's a twat, a 'diagnosis' won't change the impact his behaviour is having on you. Considering the baggage he came with, you moved in together too soon and 1k is a lot of money but it's a small price to pay in the long term.

Don't contact his Ex, whatever his issues are don't drag her back into them. Take responsibility for your situation by extricating yourself from it. He reeled you in and now it's time un hook yourself.

Why are you staying? If hes such a lovely person you wouldn't be posting on mn. You know you're kidding yourself so just go.

I'm not saying he's a lovely person, it's extremely confusing. He can be the best person and the worst - Jekyll and Hyde. I do love him to some extent (less than before, but the feelings are still there). If he was awful all the time it would be easy of course because during those moments I can think of nothing better than getting away from him.
My self esteem has been damaged. I am scared I cannot cope with the loneliness, the financial difficulties, and general life.
I hoped that, with some idea of a possible diagnosis there may be ways to help the situation. Or give me an idea of how to harden myself to his outbursts.
Logic tells me to cut and run but sometimes life's just not so simple. If I had savings or somewhere to go, but I don't at the minute. Life would be harder and a worse standard without him - it's almost like out of the frying pan and into the fire.
I wish I could find the strength to do what needs to be done.

plot, this will get worse & worse. It is classic in an EA relationship that once baby arrives, he will be even more unkind & critical, (& obviously be of no help at all.)
You say you can't be yourself, you have already started just to keep quiet, whatever you do is never enough. You must boot his miserable arse out. or leave. Its bad now, but once you have a baby & his name is on the Birth cert, you are lumbered for ever with this nasty piece of work.
Your child will have him as a role model....
You can't fix it & its not your fault. he may promise to change & he will for just as long as it takes for you to back track, & go back into your box.
You need to cut your losses.

plot you are one smart lady! You an already see what isn't ok!
I was you and didn't see it until after two DC.

Please gather your strength and leave - you can always go back if you think you made a mistake (but you won't, you'll just feel free).

"there may be ways to help the situation"

There won't. This situation will only ever get worse.

"an idea of how to harden myself to his outbursts"

Oh, love, read that sentence back to yourself and really think about it.

I know you're pregnant and this must be incredibly hard for you. for you. But I too think you should figure out a plan, get out, and for the rest of your life you'll look back and know it was the best decision you ever made. It's a waste of a life, living it with someone like that.

I know it's true, so why is it so damn hard and why do I feel so shitty about things. Surely I should feel elated that I've joined the dots and can move on. Instead I feel desolate.

You feel desolate because you're grieving for the life you had planned. Having a baby is really, really hard on relationships- even ones that are brilliant and strong and loving. I never realised that before I had my son. You say life would be harder without him, but I'm sure it wouldn't be. If you stay with him, you'll be looking after him as well as a baby and won't be able to access support (has he tried to cut you off from friends and family?); if you're ah few, you only have to worry about yourself and your child, and not whether he's going to get angry etc.
do you have friends or family you could stay with temporarily?

*if you're single