Am I overreacting, or underreacting?

[somuchcrap]

Have NC. Sorry it's so long and so trivial compared to some threads on here.
I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable, or minimising DP behaviour. I want to talk to him this evening and I'd appreciate some insight.

Together 10 years, have 2.5yo DD.
I recently found he's chatting online with women he's 'met' on porn sites, exchanging fake images and really explicit messages.
I know he watches porn, it doesn't particularily bother me, but I've discovered him messaging women from these sites twice before. I told him I hated it, it makes me feel shit and I find it hard to respect him when I know what he's saying to these women.

I may sound delusional, but I have no concerns about him having an affair. It's all anonymous, it's not rooted in reality for him at all. He says he does it when he's bored, he knows it's stupid, etc etc.
I don't believe he'll stop as clearly nothing I've said before has stopped him, and I realise this boils down to whether or not I accept his behaviour and stay with him. I guess he'll just get smarter at hiding it.

DD sometimes uses his iPad to watch cbeebies, and twice she has got into his pictures app and found explicit pictures that he has downloaded in order to send in messages.
I was absolutely furious the first time it happened, he was mortified and promised he'd make sure it couldn't happen again, and now it has happened again and I don't know what I can say to him that I haven't said already.
(A message from one of his chats also popped up while DD was using it - obviously she couldn't read it, but that is how I found out this time.)

I already struggle with the inequality in our relationship, I am a do-er and he is quite passive and while that works for us in some respects, I am exhausted with managing everything. I'm a SAHP with no other childcare, I run a business from home and am 100% responsible for renovations and planning our next round of IVF (which is now on hold).
I'm fed up with driving everything. We go over and over it.
He's forgetful, and lately has repeatedly done things that compromise our safety (leaving keys in door, leaving applicances on all night / all day when we're out, forgetting to close front door at night) - and I mean repeatedly. When we argue about things like this he won't take it seriously, when I talk about fire risk etc he reacts like I'm hysterical, and if I push it he gets angry - he won't engage with me at all.

I'm so confused, I don't know if I'm being a nag and should accept him for who he is and let him be, or LTB!
The positives: he is totally supportive of me, is (apart from incidents above) a wonderful and attentive dad, gives me so much emotional stability, is generous and thoughtful, supports my family, we enjoy each other's company, I know he adores me.

I don't want to split, but I don't want to know he's messaging other women when we're 40, 50, 60... and I don't want DD to be exposed to anything like that again.
Is there any point trying to work through this?

I'm not in the least surprised (if it is real) because I don't think you should underestimate the fact that many people think kids seeing porn is just 'inevitable eventually' or 'part of life that happens' 'it's just body parts' 'an accident that won't happen again' and that 'little kids won't remember'

Once as an accident has happened to me with a celeb photo that went viral and unfortunately was sent to me by a friend and was on my phone. I'm now super careful about it and have all kinds of porn blocking software on my internet.

TheElephantofSurprise (great name) thank you.

Kikikaakaa, to be fair though porn is not just 'body parts'. Google any word of human anatomy and you can see a body part!

Porn is most likely not just naked people, although it may be, but also may be sexual acts, perhaps violent and degrading acts.

I once went to an anti-porn seminar as an adult women. The material was not even what i would imagine to be very hard core, (having no experience of this, thankfully) but it was disturbing.

At the start of the seminar the organizers said, if anyone is affected by this and needs to leave, please do. In my head I thought 'It's just bodies, who would need to leave!'

After a serious of (to be honest) probably mild, probably pseudo violent images of women in various states of dress and undress, I was feeling sick and standing up to... you guessed it... leave.

It's really difficult to know what the child saw and there is the problem, it could be mild or very harmful. But one of the issues if children, especially, girls, see images of women in porn type compromising positions and grow up thinking this is all normal/porn is normal, then the next generation will be even less able to call men (and other women) out on this harmful shit.

Italian, sorry if it looked like I think that it's just body parts - I certainly do not think that. I think that other people tend to be very ignorant and have that attitude was my point. That it's not really very harmful.

I said up thread my father was lax about hiding his porn habits and I regularly saw things, neither parent made the effort to hide things from me and it had a profound impact on me as a child and young adult

Sorry Kikikaakaa I wasn't meaning to be mean. I just found porn was more offensive to me than I had ever imagined it would be.

I found my dad's dirty mags as a teenager. But they really were just literally pictures of stunning women who were naked.

I think porn has moved on (moved down, to such a low position) since then.

In one sense the fact she is so young she may not understand. I saw porn mags as a teenager and of course that it when you do understand more.

Anyway, did not mean to upset you K.

Italian thank you so much for your input, broken down like that it looks unbelievable. I don't mind if anyone thinks this isn't true, it just enforces what a shit situation this is so actually it is helpful.

AnyFucker I'm not here for sympathy anyway.

It didn't 'become clear' - I said clearly in my OP that I knew DD had been exposed once.
Now it has happened a 2nd time and that was the catalyst for posting here and will be the catalyst for ending the relationship, with the support I have had here.

No it's fine, porn really does divide opinion, maybe more so for men and women. It makes it hard to see each other's view points on it, clearly OP's DH is just so ingrained in it he isn't able to see the harm and damage not only to his daughter, but that it is likely to destroy his marriage. Why you would want something virtual over something real is a real head spinner IMO, then again is it? Real women have emotional needs and real life is Bills and work. Porn is an escape. The more it takes over, the more neglected you will become and the more risks he will take and almost detach from reality altogether. I am not sure an adult man can get out of this hole he threw himself into without some serious hard work OP

So has he gone yet?

Kikik I don't feel that kids seeing porn is just 'inevitable eventually' or 'part of life that happens' 'it's just body parts' 'an accident that won't happen again' and that 'little kids won't remember - I find it horrifying.

Has no one read my other posts? Of course I don't think that either about porn but that is what people say to justify leaving it around for kids to see, and being lax about security.

And it's called ignorance

*Today 21:24 somuchcrap

Kikik I don't feel that kids seeing porn is just 'inevitable eventually' or 'part of life that happens' 'it's just body parts' 'an accident that won't happen again' and that 'little kids won't remember - I find it horrifying.*

It is horrifying.
But many people in the world ignorantly believe or spout this shit and I was including OP's DH, who clearly didn't think it's much of a big deal. And I am sure he isn't alone in the world.

Kikik sorry, I thought you were implying that's how I must feel about it.

Angry no he hasn't gone but I have told him it's over and he's going. I'm sorry I'm not updating fast enough, just getting my head around all this

Folks, give over with the existential crap about porn and It's effect on adult men

My thoughts are with the child.

Send the adult male away to navel gaze about his need to cheapen his life with shit like this

There is a child that needs protecting here. He is clearly not in a position to do so, and neither is op based on her behaviour so dar

*far

She's just said she has asked him to leave and has found her horror about it

kikki totally know what you mean. Really. We are all just reacting to the porn thing, I think, not to each other

kikki I think this subject is so upsetting to many of us, yourself included for lots of reaons.

OP the safety aspect doors etc left unocked, is so worrying, and the being angry too, and not engaging. It's a lot of things.

"give over with the existential crap about porn and It's effect on adult men"

anyfucker We are all entitled to our thoughts on this!

Maybe watching women in compromising and abusive positions for a long time has 'helped to teach' the Op's husband to treat her like shit, who knows. I won't apologize for disliking porn or seeing it as dangerous. But as I just said there is more to this than just the porn.

i don't see the harm in exploring exsistential crap when you are ending your relationship, in fact I would say it's essential to being firm in your beliefs and morals and ideals and sticking to your boundaries. The more you understand the better foundation you have for yourself.

Exactly Kiki.

I also think it helps women to know that accepting their men messaging unknown strangers, who they meet from porn sites is not normal. Not all men do it. Not all women put up with it.

I think we need to say it often.

There are so many red flags for the OP, but if she means business about her dh leaving I do still think Women's aid is a place to start to begin to see things more clearly. They do some sort of freedom course and offer great advice (or so I hear).

I have told him it's over, all he is doing is begging, promising me it changes today and he loves us both more than anything. I have been such a mug I can't believe it. I can't believe a word he says.
AnyFucker I am responsible for it happening the 2nd time because I didn't end it after the 1st time. I failed to protect DD the 1st time and ideally I should not have had to come and ask strangers on the internet permission to end it, but I am in a position to protect my child and that's what I'm doing.

Thanks Italian - I don't feel like I need women's aid, I appreciate the advice though. There's no risk of him being aggressive or anything, he's just being all devastated and not saying much. He won't give me any hassle.

It is not easy when you feel like you have been emotionally maniplated over time by lies but you really do have to hold firm in your beliefs now. You are horrified and want to protect your daughter. He does not come before her welfare in any way shape or form, no matter how much he cries and begs.
wOwens aid might be a good place for you to contact for advice I agree.

They won't move you into a refuge but they may have advice. But anyway, just see your way forward in this.

All the best.