Am I overreacting, or underreacting?

[somuchcrap]

Have NC. Sorry it's so long and so trivial compared to some threads on here.
I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable, or minimising DP behaviour. I want to talk to him this evening and I'd appreciate some insight.

Together 10 years, have 2.5yo DD.
I recently found he's chatting online with women he's 'met' on porn sites, exchanging fake images and really explicit messages.
I know he watches porn, it doesn't particularily bother me, but I've discovered him messaging women from these sites twice before. I told him I hated it, it makes me feel shit and I find it hard to respect him when I know what he's saying to these women.

I may sound delusional, but I have no concerns about him having an affair. It's all anonymous, it's not rooted in reality for him at all. He says he does it when he's bored, he knows it's stupid, etc etc.
I don't believe he'll stop as clearly nothing I've said before has stopped him, and I realise this boils down to whether or not I accept his behaviour and stay with him. I guess he'll just get smarter at hiding it.

DD sometimes uses his iPad to watch cbeebies, and twice she has got into his pictures app and found explicit pictures that he has downloaded in order to send in messages.
I was absolutely furious the first time it happened, he was mortified and promised he'd make sure it couldn't happen again, and now it has happened again and I don't know what I can say to him that I haven't said already.
(A message from one of his chats also popped up while DD was using it - obviously she couldn't read it, but that is how I found out this time.)

I already struggle with the inequality in our relationship, I am a do-er and he is quite passive and while that works for us in some respects, I am exhausted with managing everything. I'm a SAHP with no other childcare, I run a business from home and am 100% responsible for renovations and planning our next round of IVF (which is now on hold).
I'm fed up with driving everything. We go over and over it.
He's forgetful, and lately has repeatedly done things that compromise our safety (leaving keys in door, leaving applicances on all night / all day when we're out, forgetting to close front door at night) - and I mean repeatedly. When we argue about things like this he won't take it seriously, when I talk about fire risk etc he reacts like I'm hysterical, and if I push it he gets angry - he won't engage with me at all.

I'm so confused, I don't know if I'm being a nag and should accept him for who he is and let him be, or LTB!
The positives: he is totally supportive of me, is (apart from incidents above) a wonderful and attentive dad, gives me so much emotional stability, is generous and thoughtful, supports my family, we enjoy each other's company, I know he adores me.

I don't want to split, but I don't want to know he's messaging other women when we're 40, 50, 60... and I don't want DD to be exposed to anything like that again.
Is there any point trying to work through this?

Tell him what ?

I'm going to tell him it's over. Honestly I thought I had no right. Thanks so much for the replies. Got to get on with it now, it's up to me.

He is a danger to your child, can't you see that?

Where does this end? He won't always get his kick out of just messaging, he will arrange to meet and it will continue to escalate

He has been unfaithful and exposed your child to sexual images, really, what more do you need to know

Ask him how he'd feel if your daughters future partner acted the same way.

Not buying it.

A few minutes ago you were typing how much he adores you and what a great father he is.

You obviously thought it was normal that he has online sex with OW and him sharing explicit images his daughter finds is just a bit if collateral damage

You are on the wind up or you are just going to disappear and do fuck all about the nonce living in your house

You should be absolutely fucking furious, OP.

Only you can truly know if you can live with his behaviour and still love him. You've been doing so for 10 years already. You will get a lot of advice to LTB, but it is easy to make that recommendation as an anonymous person behind a screen, in your heart you already know if it's worth staying or going.

However, if he wishes to carry on with the porn and images....he needs to purchase another iPad for family use and keep his adult content secure and away from your DC reach.

Guess first instinct is to say get the hell out but perhaps a deeper more insightful response may help.
It's my belief that many men (probably a high percentage) engage with porn. Let's be honest, it's unbelievably easy to obtain 24/7 and an almost certain way to orgasm as frequently as wanted/needed by the punter and, from what I understand, it's quite addictive. Many men see it as w**k fodder and bears little in way of reality to their real lives. It scratches an itch, in a very enjoyable, exciting way.
You have a man here who you seem to care greatly for and whom brings many positives to your life apart from this one area in particular.
It seems a high level fantasy and from what you say he doesn't seem in too much 'danger' of actually having real sex with any one else but certainly gets off on this fantasy.
First step is to get another cheap tablet that has security password on which is for the sole use of your daughter. Husband is not allowed to use it and he is not told the password. That takes care of her not being able to see these images by mistake. Secondly, it's about facing up to your own feelings. You have a caring, supportive partner however, he has his flaws. You know what you have and in many ways you are trying to come to terms with it. I'm sure there are many, many men who do what your OH are doing but their partners are unaware. The thing is, and I think you now this, is that he is not going to change and therefore the question is: can you compartmentalise his faults and make the best of an otherwise pretty good relationship? Only you can answer that question.
It sounds like he is very stressed or distracted which is why he keeps leaving keys in doors etc. Right now that is much more of a concern than his addiction to porn as your safety is compromised.
Every partner has faults and each one of us has to ascertain whether we can tolerate and cope with those faults! If you could learn to accept that this his who he is and focus on the positives then perhaps you could be happy together.
It's pointless "nagging" at him to stop because he won't. It's far too pleasureable and an escape from reality.
Step back a bit. Give yourself the space to think. Can you cope with living like this for the rest of your life or have you finally reached the end of the line? To 'accept' it means to turn a blind eye to it or to reject his behaviour means to end the relationship and all that that entails. It's a tough call. It's a tragedy that porn is so readily available nowadays as it seems that the user gets their jollies off happily to the pain and detriment of their partner.

So, if your DD saw pictures that he had saved to his drive to send out as messages, not pictures that he had been sent from women....were these photos of his dick? Did your DD stumble across photos of her father's erect penis? If so I think you have some serious safeguarding to do and I'm not sure why he isn't the very first in line trying to ensure it would never happen again, in mortification!

Well done OP. You sound very strong and determined. There is no way on this earth it can be acceptable for a 2 year old to see pornographic images once, let alone twice. You really do have to leave to keep her safe. It is up to you what you are willing to put up with, but you can't let your DD be exposed to that.

Hes not going to change. He doesn't sound like he cares for you. He knows how chatting sexually to other women make you feel and continues to do it anyway. That would be enough to make me LTB.

He doesn't sound like he cares for his Daughter very much either, he knows his daughter found porn on his iPad and should have made absolute sure she couldn't discover disgusting stuff like that again, but rather than stop using it to chat sexually to other women, or saving sexually explicit content to it, he continued anyway.

He puts his sexual wants above the emotional wellbeing of his small child. He is obviously not concerned about her viewing his sexual images and chats so cant be trusted to keep her safe from seeing that. I'd leave but if you're not going to, at the very least DDs access to his iPad (or any other devices he uses to save pornigraphic images on) should stop.

Its bad that she was able to see it once, the fact he's allowed it to happen a second time says a lot about him.

Alongside all the quite gross and horrible behaviours of porn the underlying elephant in the relationship is that he doesn't want to change, doesn't listen to you and doesn't care about how you feel about it. So you have 2 options: hope for the best and fantasise about him changing into an adoring man who doesn't put his child at risk or build a new life for yourself where his behaviours don't ruin yours and your DD's life gradually, painfully and disrespectfully over time.

My 'D'F left porn around freely. I believe it had a profound impact on my life overall as I grew up, and I am disgusted with both my parents for not protecting me

heyday that is some serious minimising, manpleasing shit you are spouting there

OP, if you are still there, I left my ex for very similar stuff for this. I didn't want to but I couldn't live with the me that was the person accepting the bar being this low. I am now with DH and to do this sort of shite would not occur to him. There were no kids involved with my ex, it just made me feel so de-valued is all.

Heyday

That is the biggest pile of shite I have ever read. He is engaging with other women, neither you or op know if he has had physical contact with them, but his time spent engaging with them is time away from his family

If it is addiction then it escalates, this isn't some harmless little hobby that is irritating his wife

His daughter has been exposed to sexual images, how can you belittle the impact of that

aintnobody - I have asked him that, more than once. He agrees it wouldn't be acceptable

AnyFucker - I really appreciate your responses, I mean it. I do believe he believes he adores us both and he can't see how fucked up he is. I listed positives in my OP because I always feel like a nag who is being unfair to him. I've considered posting here for a long time and I am going to continue. If I thought it was normal I wouldn't be here.

That is really fucked up. Exposing a child to pornography is absolutely wrong on every level and if you don't split up with him, you are equally responsible. I cannot believe this has happened twice and you have done nothing, still asking if you should???

Get on with protecting your child.

Crossed a lot of posts again, thanks. I'm taking everything in.

BestZebbie the images are all from elsewhere, he doesn't use any pics of himself. That doesn't make it any better, I'm just clarifying.

You should be gone, a long time ago

What are you waiting for ? He brings some OW to your home ? Gives you the gift of an std ? Your little girl walks in on him filming himself wanking to send to OW ? Your daughter tells someone outside your sleazy little bubble that she has seen daddy's dirty pictures, not once but several times ? You do know a teacher for example will be compelled to report to the police/social services ?

Explain how he can't see how fucked up this is when a social worker asks why you didn't act to protect her

Somuch if this is all for real I would say speak to women's aid because he sounds abusive. These are the words from your OP that stand out at me....

'...so trivial compared to some threads on here'
How is this ever trivial?

'I recently found he's chatting online with women he's 'met' on porn sites, exchanging fake images and really explicit messages.'
So what's to stop him telling one of these 'women' (who might be a middle aged man called Frank, who is also exchanging some fake photos) about his lovely wife and daughter and where you all live!

'I know he watches porn, it doesn't particularly bother me'
Porn is really corrosive and offensive, I think it really can destroy marriages (IMHO). The women are treated very badly and the images affect how men see women.

"...it makes me feel shit and I find it hard to respect him"
Of course it does and of course you do, if he loved you, as he says, would this not bother him?

"I may sound delusional, but I have no concerns about him having an affair. It's all anonymous, it's not rooted in reality for him at all."
Yes, of course it sounds delusional!

My husband is the most loving and sweet guy imaginable but even he could have an affair, so if your other half is engaging in sex talk with strangers I'd say you are deluding yourself big time in thinking he will never take it further.

"He says he does it when he's bored, he knows it's stupid, etc etc."
How much time does he have to be bored with! It's pathetic. He could get a real hobby, take up a sport, spend time with the wife he loves and the child, or do anything other than message random people with sex talk.

"I don't believe he'll stop."
So can you put up with it? ( I would not!)

"DD sometimes uses his iPad to watch cbeebies, and twice she has got into his pictures app and found explicit pictures that he has downloaded in order to send in messages."
How shit for her.

"...promised he'd make sure it couldn't happen again, and now it has happened again."
How shit for her.

"I already struggle with the inequality in our relationship."
Yes, you are committed, he is having flights of fantasy who knows who.

"...our next round of IVF (which is now on hold)"
I had years of IVF. I know it is hard. But you know if you want another child, you could find someone to have a child with who will not treat you and the child like this? Who will respect you both.

"lately has repeatedly done things that compromise our safety (leaving keys in door, leaving applicances on all night / all day when we're out, forgetting to close front door at night) - and I mean repeatedly."
That's scary.

"When we argue about things like this he won't take it seriously"
How charming.

"he reacts like I'm hysterical"
Nice way for him to dismiss you totally. Gaslighting

"..if I push it he gets angry"
Angry what the fuck has he got to get angry about?

"he won't engage with me at all."
That sounds classically abusive.

"I'm so confused"
Call Women's aid, if you are for real they can explain to you why you are confused, because he has treated you so badly for so long you do not know which way is up.

You have said you are going to talk to him, do if you wish, but I'd talk to women's aid first, especially if you think he may become aggressive.

I do believe you but then again I am just worried, this is so extreme and your thoughts that it may be normal/trivial are very worrying.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

0808 2000 247

[hugs]

Kikik Overthinking thanks, that is how I feel, and I also feel like an absolute dick for doubting it

heydey if you think this is all normal you know some very sad men!

OP I am sorry if I sound like I am doubting you, I just find it so hard to imagine accepting this sort of shit from any man. I am so sorry you have felt this is OK.

Italiangreyhound, as someone just reading through, thank you for your investment of time and energy and for your very informative post.

Any sympathy I might have has quickly evaporated when it became clear op knew her daughter had been exposed to porn more than once and still she stays

Karen Matthews springs to mind. There have been several "kick me I am such a bad mother" threads spawned since the screening of The Moorside

If you are real op, you need to cop on to yourself, and quick, before somebody in authority does it for you