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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Enough is finally enough. I think

32 replies

Unicornonmypants · 19/02/2017 00:55

Hi there.
I've been married for 7 years, together for 11. 2 gorgeous and adored preschoolers. We got together while he was married, and I knew he had already had other affairs/flirtations.
So no surprise that roughly every 18 months (or more) there have been suspicious messages, rumours, or Internet usage which has resulted in me being really hurt and ripped apart. Never enough evidence for me to have absolute proof of an affair. I should never have given him the first 'second chance', just 3 months after he moved in. But I did, because I loved him and adored him.
The most recent incident made me sad and angry, but few tears, just a resignation that he will never change. I now hate it when he touches me.
I have twice tried to end it this year, but he has talked me round.
I'm away overnight to think about what would improve things enough for a fresh trial for 6 months. I think that is a fool's errand now. He will not change.
I'm expecting a battle as he has said twice that he will fight for custody.

OP posts:
RedastheRose · 19/02/2017 01:00

You know the old saying a mistress who marries her lover makes a job vacancy! You are right he will never change, you either accept that you will spend the rest of your life being made miserable by his cheating or you separate. Go see a solicitor get some advice about what's best and then ask him to leave.

scoobydoo1971 · 19/02/2017 01:05

It sounds like you are ready to give up on the relationship, and you have every right to feel that way. Go to the Citizens Advice Bureau and have your rights explained regarding child support, housing etc.

He cannot fight you over custody, at best he will get joint custody of a few days per week and it is probably just a threat by him to control you. You clearly do not trust him and regardless of whether he has cheated or not, there seems to be a fundamental lack of positive feeling towards him. Life is short and while it takes a brave woman to walk away with two young children, if you are that unhappy I cannot see any point to carrying on in a relationship with him, and your children will soon know you are unhappy as they pick up on emotions. I would also suggest you have a check-up with the doctor as any affairs he may have had could have exposed you to STD's.

CatsBatsEars · 19/02/2017 01:21

They all say they'll fight for custody, its just to manipulate you. Get legal advice.

SaltBae · 19/02/2017 01:27

I don't know what women who cheat with married men expect to happen?

Do the OW really think they are special and that it won't happen to them? 🙄

notangelinajolie · 19/02/2017 01:31

He doesn't really want custody, 2 little ones would totally mess up his love life.

ForeverLivingMyArse · 19/02/2017 01:34

Did you really think he'd change his ways for you? Once quite rat, always a rat. You reap what you sow and all that.

Get out.

SandyY2K · 19/02/2017 02:37

Expect 50/50 custody of the children and know that If they'll cheat with you, then they'll cheat on you.

Are you surprised?

SaltySalt · 19/02/2017 02:41

Now you know how his wife felt

Brokenbiscuit · 19/02/2017 02:48

There's no need for the bitchy comments about how the OP got together with her DH. You're not saying anything that she doesn't already know. And fwiw, she didn't have to tell us that in her OP anyway.

Why kick someone when they are obviously down? I just don't get it.

OP, it sounds like you have had enough, and rightly so. You know that he isn't going to change, and so, unless you want to live with this for the rest of your life, you need to be strong and make a change.

Naicehamshop · 19/02/2017 08:40

He sounds like the sort of person who may well get tired of the reality of having 2 young children around a lot so I think the custody thing is probably just an empty threat to try to keep you in line. Who is the main carer anyway?

I agree that some of the comments on here are vile; if you've never done anything wrong in your life then feel free to criticise - otherwise show a bit of compassion.

bakingaddict · 19/02/2017 08:45

He won't fight you for custody serial philanderers like him only think of themselves two young kids will cramp his style

PurpleWithRed · 19/02/2017 08:51

He sounds like a right charmer. They are his children as much as yours and they have a right to a decent relationship with him but unless he's been the SAHP while you work full time his idea of punishing you by 'owning' the children is nonsense. It's not 1850 any more.

Usual advice: gather together as much financial info as you can (assets and debts including both pensions, cars etc), consider the children's best interests, get an idea of your future income (your earnings/benefits plus any maintenance), see a solicitor. There's probably a direct relationship between how much you spend on your wedding and how much your divorce is going to cost you.

monkeyfacegrace · 19/02/2017 08:52

I'm a bit baffled as a pp said.

Did you really think you'd be the one to change him?

It's not kicking you while you're down, it's just being realistic. He showed you who he was. You just chose not to believe him.

Just leave him and get on with your life.

carabos · 19/02/2017 08:55

They all y they'll fight you for the children. They all say they'll win because you're a nutter. Take no notice and plough on.

Finola1step · 19/02/2017 08:56

Let him "fight for custody". The prick.

Yes, Karma does have a habit of biting on the bum. You tried, you really did. He is simply not prepared to be faithful to anyone. You know this. He won't change because he doesn't want to.

Move on. What are your living arrangements? Renting or mortgage?

Underthemoonlight · 19/02/2017 08:59

I don't think people are being particularly bitchy but utilmately people who cheat in there previous marriage especially if the end up with marrying the ow end up doing the same in the second marriage and second marriages often tend to fail as result especially if the relationship has been built on deceit.

I think you've got to remember a lot of mnetters have been the wife's who have been cheated on and left for the ow so you won't always get sympathy it was an extremely hard and difficult time in their lives and no doubt your dp ex's wife, this is now something your experiencing the lies and secrets. My advice would be if you don't trust him leave him lives too short to be living like this.

jeaux90 · 19/02/2017 09:10

Look love you are unhappy and he is still cheating so the only way to go is to divorce him. They always threaten they will take they kids blah blah blah....he won't. He'll get the same as everyone else.

You don't need his permission to start the process.

Good luck x

Original poster
Unicornonmypants · 19/02/2017 09:22

Morning all. Thanks for your input. I have been the one cheated on as well and yes, should have known better.
Maybe I am naïve. More likely his amazing gift of being utterly believable and likeable worked on me.
He always manages to talk me round to his way of thinking, or I give in.
My main concern is my children, in my last bout of depression, I had suicidal thoughts and I worry this will be used against me.
I've only had depression since being with him and have suspected for years that he is the main cause. I've stayed because I loved him.
Today will be it, relationship over.

OP posts:
ForeverLivingMyArse · 19/02/2017 09:28

Sounds like your depression will leave when he does. Good luck!

Hermonie2016 · 19/02/2017 09:35

Do you both work? Depression isn't a reason to lose your children as it can be well managed.

This man may have a highly manipulative personality and until you are with someone like that it's hard to understand why you fell for him.

How old are you? Leaving when the children are young is actually much better than when they are older and if you know he won't change then it's better sooner than later.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/02/2017 09:35

Some people have affairs because their marriage is on the cusp of breaking up and they meet the next spouse before officially ending it with the first. Sometimes it's even the affair that gives them the impetus to end a bad marriage they wouldn't otherwise have had the bottle to get out of. Many cheaters spin this line, of course, but it's not always a lie. It's often only in hindsight that the truth becomes obvious.

I could be ridiculously naive myself, but I believe that many, probably the majority of, OWs are not evil bitches who couldn't care less about the family left behind, but rather are blinded by love and optimism (often compounded by that damned biological clock). They learn their lesson the hard way, in which they are more to be pitied than despised. The question is not so much how they got to where they are today, but how to go forward from it. Not dating a man until his divorce is thoroughly settled would have been a great thing to tell the OP 11 years ago, but is probably the least useful piece of advice at this precise point in time.

jeaux90 · 19/02/2017 09:47

I agree Annie I have seen all sorts of affairs. The exit ones, the philanderer and also where people have genuinely found love and been happily married. The OW berating on this site really annoys me.

OP your husband is the philandering type, they don't change. You deserve happiness and that's not with him xxx

Original poster
Unicornonmypants · 19/02/2017 09:50

Hermione2016 he works full time and I'm part time.
I do believe that he is incredibly manipulative. He has suddenly started saying in the recent weeks how hard my depression has been on him. I've always said that he needed to look out for himself as well, but never heeded that.
I actually think that he may be somewhere on a sociopathic scale, at least very narcissistic. These thoughts have only ever been hidden at the back of my mind, but I'm letting them come to the front now.

OP posts:
Champers4Pampers · 19/02/2017 09:53

Did he have children from his previous relationship? If so did he fight for custody of them?

I don't think he'll fight you, it's just a threat. TBH I think he needs to be single. He sound like the type of man who will never be satisfied with one woman. He obviously has issues before he needs to repeat this behaviour all the time. Get yourself and children away from him.

InTheMoodForLove · 19/02/2017 09:54

everything Brokenbiscuit said
he cheated, they have gone on building a family...12 yr later
it is so uncomfortable to see posters victim - bashing

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