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Relationships

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Original poster

How soon can you fall in love?

46 replies

StillIRise1 · 18/02/2017 09:07

Very new relationship, he's affectionate,attentive , respectful , just fabulous , but I'm worried I'm being love bombed, he sends the most beautiful messages when we're not together and it just seems too perfect
I've no reason not to trust what he says but I'm terrified of doing so in case I am being love bombed and it just fizzles out, how do you tell the difference?
He hasn't said he loves me yet but I can see it coming,I've not felt this kind of connection in a long time

OP posts:

Hisstory · 18/02/2017 09:20

If find that really off putting - can you tell him to ease up a bit. If he likes you he wouldn't mind.

How old are you both (roughly). I always think the slower the better

Oysterbabe · 18/02/2017 09:21

How long has it been?

Original poster

StillIRise1 · 18/02/2017 09:37

It's been four weeks, both in late forties, I've never met anyone like him, I feel as he says he does but my cynical head is saying it's all bullshit, nothing physical has happened, he says he wants to take it slow and get to know one another before anything sexual happens

OP posts:

EightiethElement · 18/02/2017 09:39

Ive been love bombed and it's easy to love somebody when there is no negotistion or compromise that has come up. No ha4dship, inconvenience or misunderstanding...
i think you have to seen how somebody reacts in a challenging situation to feel love.

Kittencatkins123 · 18/02/2017 10:01

I think it's easy to feel that way right at the beginning, doesn't mean it's going to burn out but worth taking it slowly, things might calm down a bit on both sides as you settle into a relationship. That's when it turns from infatuation (where you are now) to possible love. It's normal to get a bit over excited at the start but I would try to take it easy if you can? No need to rush in. Make sure it's him you like and make sure he does things rather than just says them.

Original poster

StillIRise1 · 18/02/2017 10:05

His actions definitely back up his words, like , he drives to pick me up from work just to spend a little time with me, the driving time is more than the time we spend when he picks me up, very attentive messages and just so lovely and gentle when he's with me
I think having been burnt in the past is making me wary

OP posts:

BarchesterFlowers · 18/02/2017 10:11

Kitten - my experience - felt like you did (had never heard the words 'love bombed' though ), we decided to get married a few weeks after we met ....... 15 years later, we are very happy (I think), have weathered all sorts of things and had some tough times but we are happy.

I am not sure I agree that you have to see how someone reacts in a challenging situation to feel love.

But, I will say that we were both in a good place, both very happy as individuals and our lives so I threw caution to the wind. I would like to think that if I wasn't in such a good place I would have been more cautious/protected myself a bit/not got swept away. Mid 30s.

JustForYouHeresALoveSong · 18/02/2017 10:20

That thing about driving to pick you up from work would have me running a mile.

I'm not saying it's all bullshit, but I'd keep that cynical filter in front of you and see how it pans out over the next few weeks.

Some men (oddly) seem to fall in love with the idea of being in love and being 'romantic' rather than with the person themselves. Unless you've spent hours sharing stories of yourselves and your life, he can't possibly know you well enough to love you after 4 weeks.

I've dated a couple of men who had a girlfriend shaped hole in their life and were quite happy to slot me into it without really taking into account the fact we had huge incompatibilities and none of the feelings were genuine.

I think that for some people that initial lust and then love do fall into place, but it's not a given.

JustForYouHeresALoveSong · 18/02/2017 10:21

*weeks, if not, months...

SassynSane · 18/02/2017 10:28

Barchester that sounds wonderful and fantastic that it worked out so brilliantly

Will offer a counter tale, not to upset you OP but just a different perspective. Met a guy OLD last summer and was literally swept off my feet. Total whirlwind and was also 'love bombed', he was talking living together, marriage even a baby. I introduced him to my DD (first time I have ever done that) as was so sure of his intentions. Fast forward to 2017 and am back to being single having been entirely burnt! It will make me much more cautious in the future which isn't a bad thing I guess. Just make sure you keep an open mind & trust your instincts, but really hope he turns out to be a good one!

Kittencatkins123 · 18/02/2017 10:29

Maw that's such a lovely story Barchester! I agree with what you say about being in a good place - so important!

If he's doing and saying nice things that's great! I have to say, my BF was lovely from the start and still is! So they are out there! But I think when you've been burned before it's natural and okay (and maybe sensible) to feel cautious and take it a bit easy. That was where I was a bit, so I definitely tried and try to keep things in perspective.

Original poster

StillIRise1 · 18/02/2017 10:33

I though the driving miles to see me bit was lovely! Maybe my head is in the clouds😯
I took that as him just desperately wanting to see me

OP posts:

AhYerWill · 18/02/2017 10:41

Enjoy being treated well, but keep half an eye out for red flags. Some people are genuinely lovely, others are very good at putting on a lovely facade. A month in, you're unlikely to be able to tell the difference.

Seeing how he handles conflict will likely clue you in quite a bit - is he mature and able to work things through calmly, or does he react badly (or avoid it altogether)?

Original poster

StillIRise1 · 18/02/2017 10:48

He seems mature , got a responsible job, good relationship with ex and daughter etc
Just overly smitten with me which I'm probably reading too much into after reading too many threads on here!
I'm just as smitten however and I know my feelings are genuine which is making me hope his are too
I'm aware I sound like a ridiculous teenager 😕

OP posts:

BarchesterFlowers · 18/02/2017 11:12

I even understand the driving to pick you up bit, although I also realise that it could be creepy/controlling from the wrong person.

DH drove to meet me at the train station at 5:45am a couple of times. I worked long hours in London and he sometimes worked at night and went away Thursday - Thursday. I caught the 6:15am train.

We both knew it was slightly mad but he drove 50 minutes to the train station I caught the train from (I was 15 mins in the other direction) after working nights - we laughed at ourselves .... but had coffee together in the car and a snog to help us get through the week.

JustForYouHeresALoveSong · 18/02/2017 11:37

See that sounds normal to me. The fact that you recognise it's a bit 'OTT', but can laugh about it is exactly what I imagine being in love to be like and what I imagine people to do when they love someone.

How often does he do the drive to work to pick you up, Still?

This is the bit that would worry me, overly smitten with me.

I would be interested to know what he said if you turned down his offer to come and pick you up or similar... how does he react if he is 'rejected'? That will tell you a lot.

kel1234 · 18/02/2017 11:44

It took dh and I a couple of weeks- then we said "I love you" to each other.

Original poster

StillIRise1 · 18/02/2017 11:59

We have laughed about and said it's crazy, we just get on so well, it's like I've known him forever, it's so easy and relaxed, j think we'll if my feeling are genuine then why can't his be? But I was involved previously with someone I would have bet my life on was a good decent man, turned out he was anything but , it's made me doubt my own judgement

OP posts:

SassynSane · 18/02/2017 12:11

Hmmmm....after my own experience last year am also now in the doubting "my own judgement" camp BUT that's not to say this guy isn't genuine. I would say enjoy it but don't let yourself get too swept away just yet.

JustForYouHeresALoveSong · 18/02/2017 12:28

Well, I'm very sceptical about these things. I had something very similar with someone a couple of years ago.

We were finishing each others sentences, using the same odd turns of phrase as each other at the same time, and completely at ease by the end of the first date.

I read lots on here about relationships and one question that often gets asked is "how do you know if it's love?" and the response is often it's easy and feels like 'coming home' or "ah, I've been expecting you..." I had all of that with this man. I am very cynical. I don't believe in The One or love at first sight and I don't think that men are dopey hapless creatures who are unable to resist our feminine charms... but that's exactly how I felt about him.

We chose to take things slowly because of how intensely we felt about each other and didn't sleep together for about 2 months.

I met his parents who I got on with incredibly well immediately, they said that we were like the male/female versions of the same person. I've never felt like it about anyone before or anyone since.

I started to believe that, for the first time ever, I might have met someone who would, indeed, love me.

But 5 months after it started, I ended it. Because I realised it wasn't real. Any of it.

We have a couple of mutual facebook friends and I did, just out of curiosity, look at his fb page over Christmas, 18 months after I ended it and it turns out that within 4 weeks of us splitting up, he had changed his relationship status to "in a relationship" and when I had a quick look, it transpired that he was enjoying an equally intense and meaningful 'connection' with someone else within weeks of him being "heartbroken" by me!

The daft thing was that I had to text him after this new relationship had started because I found something of his at mine and was letting him know I was going to return it. I'd said "hi how are you?" in the message and he'd replied with, "still finding it hard, but taking it day by day" and he was loved up with his new girlfriend at the time!

I would be far more likely to trust someone who didn't do any of this shit, tbh. That would seem more genuine to me.

Original poster

StillIRise1 · 18/02/2017 13:12

How did you realise it wasn't real if you enjoy mind me asking, that's what I'm struggling with, do you just take a chance and go with it ? I like him so much

OP posts:

Hisstory · 18/02/2017 13:18

It might well be real to him but it's a bit weird and immature to behave like that. I'd hate it and would run a mile. Id feel smothered.

JustForYouHeresALoveSong · 18/02/2017 13:32

I realisd that I hadn't told him a couple of things that were very important parts of me/made me who I am. Not because we couldn't talk, because we talked for hours about all sorts, but because, well I don't know really, because it didn't feel like part of who we were. And not in a good way, in a "it doesn't matter any more it's all in the past way", more in a the world outside our loved up bubble didn't seem to exist, sort of a way.

At the time, I thought that this was possibly a good sign that my past wasn't so relevant anymore, but then it became an issue and I still couldn't tell him. Not because he was unapproachable, we'd discussed all sorts about our marriages and previous problems at work etc but because it would have ruined our 'bubble'.

And then I noticed him looking at other women and I started to realise that he was in love with the idea of meeting a woman and falling in love rather than me. I ticked enough of his boxes to 'fit', but that's because he was looking for his boxes to be ticked and not because he'd me and we'd just hit it off.

He wanted to talk a lot about how well we got on and how compatible we were and how crazy it was that we'd found each other and felt like this.

I don't know if I'm explaining it very well, it was a couple of years ago now so the specifics are hazy!

JustForYouHeresALoveSong · 18/02/2017 13:33

So, I took a chance, but I didn't lose the cynicism and when I saw red flags, I didn't ignore them.

BarchesterFlowers · 18/02/2017 14:14

I think you just need to go into it with your eyes open which it sounds as though you are. I think that meeting friends/being invited into someone else's life circle is pretty key, has he talked about that at all?

DH moved in after the third date (which took a few weeks as he was away), but, after about three weeks I asked him if he wouldn't mind going home to his place because although I was pretty sure I wanted to be with him I felt a bit overwhelmed by it all, sharing my home with someone after being on my own for a long time.

He did, he understood, it wasn't an issue for him, he came back a couple of weeks later and we rented out our respective places and bought a house together in month 5.

I think it would be a shame if you were scared to try, for every good story there will be a rubbish one but that is life.

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