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Original poster

Any else growing/grown apart from DH?

29 replies

Thewikileak · 17/02/2017 14:13

Hi

I have been with my DH for 15 years, married for 9, one child. We are both in our 40's, both work, him more hours than me.

We have become a bit disconnected over the last few years. I seem happy watching TV/Reading while he likes to do his own thing including going for walks/runs. We just don't spend much time together any longer and I think I am as much to blame as him for this.

Alongside this has come less intimicy.

He brought it up and said he is unhappy and if things don't improve then perhaps we should split up as life is short and we should both be happy. I think he is unhappier than me by the sounds of it as I have been relatively happy ticking along. Maybe that's my problem? I don't want much in life and like a nice simple lifestyle whilst he is clearly bored of the mundaneness of it all.

I know people will say OW from reading threads on here but I don't think it is that. He is open with me, is never secretive with phone etc and i asked him this. He said no. He loves me and doesn't want anyone else but he doesn't want this as he calls it "repetitive dull" existence any longer.

Any ideas about how to work towards making it better? I'm not sure I am what he wants any more.

OP posts:
SparklingRaspberry · 17/02/2017 14:16

Counselling ?

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 17/02/2017 14:19

Can you meet in the middle? Find something new for you both to plan for/get involved in? My dh sounds quite like you, I get easily bored and like making plans, doing new things. It can get frustrating when dh fobs me off 'not now, maybe another time' etc.

RandomMess · 17/02/2017 14:20

Agree some future plans together!

Doesn't have to be big stuff...

Going for a walk TOGETHER (compromise for you I know) perhaps one that involves lunch or a cuppa in a café.

Evening out to a comedy show or for a meal.

Weekend or day trip to visit somewhere.

I really think doing some things together breeds intimacy otherwise where are your shared experiences?

Dadaist · 17/02/2017 14:44

OP - I suspect for him to have said this means this is probably a very big deal for him. You could read between the lines here a little? I don't think it's about boredom - and my guess (just a guess) is that he could be feeling that you simply don't have strong feelings for him anymore. You say you are as much to blame - but you may need to acknowledge the lack of emotional connection that's been communicated. Does he have reason to feel that you have checked out? Only it sounds as if he hasn't yet - and he may be looking for some sense that there is something to salvage?

Original poster
Thewikileak · 17/02/2017 14:44

I know I could do more but he was the same too until recently. our shared moments were DVD in front of the telly, takeaway, cooking a meal for two etc...just all of a sudden he seems to be of the life is passing me by mode and wants different things. He has hit 45 though so maybe it's just a realisation that time is going fast.

We struggle with time together since our child was born as we have no help at all. I think I adapted to the introduction of a child better than he has for sure.

It's hard to change who you are but I can see that if I don't change the way he wants then that could be that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thewikileak · 17/02/2017 14:46

I don't have strong feelings for him the same as I did because we have drifted apart. Is it possible for those feelings to come back?

OP posts:
loinnir · 17/02/2017 14:51

Plan some things together. Ask your DH what he would like you to do together and go from there. Try and get some "fun" back. Could you do some things you used to like doing together in the early days of your relationship?

My H has a group he goes on 10 hour hikes with but we plan and do shorter ones together that I can manage over easier ground (as I have some balance problems)that are very enjoyable for us both and we can take the kids on if we want.

We often pretend we are "tourists" come the springtime and make an effort to go out and about on day trips to Museums, country parks, theatre, seaside towns etc as you would do on holiday

Would you/he be up for doing something like ParkRun - maybe with your DC? What about taking up a different sport but together - my friend swears that taking up tennis as a couple saved her marriage.

Get some box sets or films lined up that you can watch together - you may have to compromise a bit but it is worth it to be together and to discuss after. We watch a couple of episodes of something and decide if we can watch it together e.g. Line of Duty, Vikings, Breaking Bad yes but Mad Men and the Blacklist -no. The yes's we watch together and the no's we watch on our own.

RandomMess · 17/02/2017 14:59

How old is your DC?

Yes it is possible to grow back closer together - you need to invest time into each other though!!!

PollytheDolly · 17/02/2017 15:05

You need the romance back. Start going on dates, nice eatery, go to the cinema, etc. Just you two. Flirt, laugh, have fun. Keep it simple.

Sounds like mundane stuff is taking over but it doesn't sound all lost to me and worth trying for.

How about a kiss and/or hug when he gets in from work. Little things make a big difference.

Good luck Flowers

Minime85 · 17/02/2017 15:20

Be kind to each other. Go out of your way to do nice things. Doesn't have to be grand. Get a joint interest. If poss a night away.

SouthernNorthernGirl · 17/02/2017 15:29

Be kind to each other. Go out of your way to do nice things

This ^^

What you are feeling is normal. Neither of you are the same person as when you met. You change as you grow. That's OK though. If you both love each other, and want it to work (and it sounds like this is the case) then it will be fine with some work.

This has happened to us, and I expect it will again in some point in our marriage.
Try and do something loving for him each day, for a few weeks. See how that works for you. Obviously this works both ways.

Adora10 · 17/02/2017 15:35

As above, you BOTH need to put the romance back in, not just you OP, I don't like his tone of if things don't change then split, seems a bit OTT because he also has to put the effort in!

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 17/02/2017 15:43

Yes you can get the feelings back. It's hard with dc but it gets easier, relationships over a long period are bound to have low/down parts. Good luck.Smile

HarmlessChap · 17/02/2017 16:25

You are not alone, we're trying to rebuild our marriage on the foundations of what has turned into platonic relationship, albeit we are good friends.

Its proving to be very hard, we've been at it for well over a year and its very easy to fall into old behaviour patterns unless there is continued effort from both parties.

Whether we will succeed is totally up in the air as far as I'm concerned. I find it hard to avoid building resentment that it seems to be me putting in the lions share of the effort but then she's quite happy with the status quo. However, I'm not prepared to live an affection less, sexless life, feeling as rejected and unloved, as I often do for the rest of my days.

Original poster
Thewikileak · 17/02/2017 17:12

Thank you for all your comments. I accept what you are all saying. Some of the ideas are doable, some not as easy.

There is definitely a lot of blaming in my opinion.

I have had these types of comments in recent months.

"You are just not a very exciting person"
"Our sex life has always been a bit dull for me"
"you have no sense of adventure"

These are all from someone who seemed happy doing the same things.

He wants change clearly but seems to be laying the blame at my door. What he is actually saying is he wants me to change!

Harmless Chap. That sounds really hard. I think we have become platonic.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 17/02/2017 17:28

"You are just not a very exciting person"
"Our sex life has always been a bit dull for me"
"you have no sense of adventure"

All deal breakers in my book, he sounds positively nasty.

Megthehen · 17/02/2017 17:30

The blaming needs addressing....it takes two. Why should you and you only change?? You are quite rightly feeling victimised. What happens with your child if you take time out as a couple..do you have a babysitter?

RandomMess · 17/02/2017 17:34

That is a whole different scenario, sounds like he has met someone else/had his head turned and is laying the path to try and end things "amicably"

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 17/02/2017 17:35

I actually think some counselling would help here. The things he's saying to you are cruel and hurtful and I know from experience it's very easy to get into a rut of thinking 'I'm unhappy and it's my partner's fault'. You both have to take responsibility for where the relationship is as well as taking responsibility for taking it where you want it to go.

It's a cop out to say things like 'you have no sense of adventure'. Much more positive to say things like 'I'd like us to have some adventures, what do you think, how can we make that happen.' I think counselling would really help with your joint communication.

Blossomdeary · 17/02/2017 17:38

Life settles down as time goes by into something much changed from the first flush of love and lust. Most people are mature enough to accept a degree of this, and usually find some kind of balance that suits both.

It would be good if he was talking more constructively about how you can both shift position a bit, raathr than wheeling out the big stick of separation.

Hermonie2016 · 17/02/2017 17:38

I would take those comments seriously as they sound pretty nasty.It feels as if he is checking out of the relationship.

It also sounds like a midlife crisis.Ask him what he wants to do, don't block any ideas and try to sound enthusiastic.

Ultimately we have to make ourselves happy so it isn't up to you to make life fun for him..unless you are knocking back his ideas and suggestions which could be incompatiblility.

How would you feel if the marriage ended?

loinnir · 17/02/2017 17:41

"you are just not a very exciting person" - woah, that is a seriously nasty comment. I would really resent that - he is not criticising the situation (which you can work on) but something he feels is intrinsic to your personality. If you are so dull in and out of bed why did he marry you? IME when very personal derogatory comments are aimed at you then the relationship is in big trouble and the person making the nasty comments really wants out. A partner should be kind.

Original poster
Thewikileak · 17/02/2017 18:47

I thought that too. I have never stopped him in his tracks with suggestions etc because he hasn't had any up until now. It's all changed recently. Mid life crisis sounds plausible. He has apologised when I've picked him up on comment like those above and said he didn't mean it that way but clearly he does deep down.

It's wearing me down trying to think up ways of keeping him happy so he doesn't walk out.

I'm not sure how I'd feel about it currently to be honest. He seems to have changed so much in how he expects our lives to be.

I am willing to try but like you have pointed out, it takes two to make things better and I'm not in charge of his happiness.

OP posts:
LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 17/02/2017 22:26

Ah, his comments change things. Quite nasty Shock Maybe there is more to it op. You should have a serious think about if he is worth the effort.

loinnir · 18/02/2017 10:29

"It's wearing me down trying to think up ways to keep him happy" - I think in this scenario no matter how much or whatever you do it will never be enough for him. He will let you run around wearing yourself out but only he really knows what is going on. Having a midlife crisis is no excuse for cruelty. Please don't be a person for whom he can say "jump" and you say "how high?"

I would stop being at his beck and call - if he is planning to go then that is what he will do whatever monumental efforts you make. He wants to put the blame on you - that you did not try hard enough to keep him - so that he does not have to face his own failings.

Look to yourself - get your finances and paperwork in order - so that you have an idea where you stand if the worst comes to the worst (it will make you feel more empowered). Try to emotionally detach, treat yourself how you would want the ultimate best friend to - what would they say about your husband's behaviour?

The Lundy Bancroft book "Should I stay or Should I go?" was useful to me in a somewhat similar situation.