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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just given birth don't want people coming round

37 replies

Ladybird1979 · 16/02/2017 13:58

I know i should like a miserable selfish person. Had my little girl Sunday morning. I've got lovely friends. Understandably they want to meet her.

I've got 2nd degree tearing and she's not sleeping well. She breast feeds all the time and I'm so sore.

I love my friends but right now I don't want them here. I want to wait till I can move about. Breast feed without crying in pain and feel like my house isn't a tip.

I think I've upset my best friend today by asking her to not come today and anther good friend wants to come tonight with a gift. I just don't feel ready. What's wrong with me?

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 16/02/2017 14:01

Congrats on your DD Flowers.

There's nothing wrong with you. It's normal to want to hunker down and rest after birth. If you'd had an operation they'd understand if you wanted to rest. Same applies when you have a baby.

Be kind to yourself, it's early days.

EmilyRosanne · 16/02/2017 14:04

Nothing's wrong with you, with my first DC everyone assumed we would want visitors/wanted to visit the baby and I felt overwhelmed, stressed and watching my new baby being passed around like a dolly for them to 'cuddle' made me feel ill.

Second time around I said both sets of grandparents could visit soon after but everyone else could wait a few weeks. As it turned out DC was early and in special care so I only allowed my parents and his mother as visitors then said we needed space once home. It upset a few family members but I couldn't of cared less and don't regret a thing. Once home from hospital we had 2 blissful weeks together as a new family of 4, I got to lay on the sofa with my boob out all day for feeding and didn't feel the need to tidy up/offer people drinks. Stick to your guns!

user1471451564 · 16/02/2017 14:04

Absolutely nothing and if your friends are as good friends as you say they are then hopefully they will at least try to understand. Plus you've probably got the hormones kicking in (baby blues) about now too. I feel for you. I was exactly the same. The only person I wanted with me was my mum. Didn't mean I didn't like/love other family or friends just that I was tired, tearful, sore and just wanted to cocoon myself away. Just for a little while anyway. Congratulations on your baby too. Xx

Newtoday · 16/02/2017 14:06

I didn't see anyone for two weeks and it was complete bliss! A magical time, and precious time you will never get back.

My job back then was to be there for my baby and get to know her. After that it was lovely and stress free to have friends and family over.

You'll never regret being firm on this now. Friends who haven't had children may not understand right now but it will be ok!

"Thanks for your well wishes! Looking forward to introducing you to her in a couple of weeks once I've healed/gotten some sleep - I'll let you know"

Congratulations and enjoy these magical few days!

CatyB · 16/02/2017 14:11

Your friends will understand, if you tell them that you aren't feeling well to actually have people around. Just tell them that and there is NOTHING wrong with you!

WinterRose92 · 16/02/2017 14:34

Congratulations!
There is nothing wrong with you at all. My son is now 9 weeks old, but I felt exactly the same as you when I had him, I got home a few hours after he was born and already people were texting me asking when they could come round! Your body has just gone through something so massive, you need to rest up if you can, I don't understand how people don't understand this. I know they want to meet the baby but they should also understand that you need space and time to get used to the huge change in your life. Also the fact you are in a lot of pain after pushing a baby out into the world!
What I did was I just sent a quick message back telling them that I would get into contact with them once we've settled down a bit, didn't really give them a chance to contest it! Everyone was pretty understanding, maybe a bit impatient but it's tough. Enjoy this precious time with your little one while you can, the time is going way too fast for me already!
My little guy was the same as yours in the beginning - we had no sleep, he was breastfeeding so much my nipples were cracked and bleeding. It's awful and painful but if you can stick with it I promise you it does get better. I feed him breast and bottle as he lost weight in the beginning and we've just stuck to it as it's what suits us best and he latches on no problem and there is no more pain. Lansinoh nipple cream was a godsend though, I highly recommend it!
I hope this helps in some way, here if you ever need a chat! 😊

Vagabond · 16/02/2017 14:42

You're perfectly entitled. Enjoy your highs and lows alone with your new family while you settle in. Big happiness to you!

littlefrog3 · 16/02/2017 14:52

Bless you ladybird! First of all many congrats on your new bairn! Wine

Secondly, there is nothing wrong with wanting no-one round your house! I hated people visiting when mine were first born. Really irked me, having to be all smiley and happy and friendly. Do people not 'get' that new mums just want peace, and to be left alone?

I felt weepy one day too, (when first baby was 2-3 weeks old,) and this work colleague of DH's and his wife, decided to just turn up, and after 2 HOURS they were still at our house. Then SHE said (with a tilted head,) 'U OK hun? You look tired and like you wanna burst into tears.' Well that IS how I felt, and I just started blubbing (just tired and overwhelmed.)

I felt so pissed off as I didn't want them at my house anyway, and felt angry that I'd started blubbing as it would get back to everyone they know that I 'wasn't coping.' I WAS by the way, I just felt teary that day, had had 9 hours sleep in 4 days, and I didn't want visitors! After that, I told DH no-one else could come round, and if they were offended, tough shit.

Tell people you will see them when you choose to visit THEM, but you want no visitors.

Heirhelp · 16/02/2017 15:01

Congratulations on your squishy new baby! It is fine to not have visitors.

Trustyourself2 · 16/02/2017 15:06

I don't have children, but I can perfectly understand you feel this way. I would never land on top of a new mummy and her baby. I also wouldn't ask for a hold, but would wait to be offered. Send everyone a text, saying that you've had a little bit of surgery as well as giving birth and say you need a little time to recover before you're able to show off your lovely, little DD.

Congratulations to you. How lovely.

MrsMogginsMinge · 16/02/2017 15:13

I was happy to have family visitors around in the first day or two when I was still running on adrenalin and keen to show off my gorgeous baby but then UGH day 4 is just the worst. Hormones are evil, sleep deprivation really setting in, boobs on fire, house a tip. You are being totally reasonable to shut up shop for now. You will feel loads better once you get through the first two weeks or so, I promise.

Clnz4fun · 16/02/2017 17:02

It's totally up to you and good friends will understand. Invent a case of Noro in your house if necessary.

CrokerCourtbullion · 16/02/2017 17:05

"Looking forward to seeing you when we've found our feet. Will let you know when things have settled down!"

Good friends will understand this.

PollytheDolly · 16/02/2017 17:09

Hey it's not about them. That is all.

Congratulations and enjoy the rest whilst you can.

FlowersCakeBrew for you.

TheOnlyWayIsMN · 16/02/2017 17:21

I know completely how you feel. When I had my first (after a 26hr labour, interventions and stitches), I had friends waiting at home!

If you haven't given birth, you probably don't know how it feels, so just send a text as suggested up thread.

Congratulations and good luck - it is really hard, but it all settles down.

domesticslattern · 16/02/2017 17:27

You sound very sensible not to have visitors until you feel up to it. Stick to your guns. I did with my second... wish I had with my first...
Congratulations on your new baby.

Indiebar · 16/02/2017 18:21

My DS is six weeks and my brother has still not met him. I put a lock down on visitors for first fortnight and so glad I did as I was in the same position as you for that time. My mum was only person who popped over in first week as she was down from Yorkshire (Bristol) but only stayed an hour.

Don't answer your phone, change your phone message to the birth announcement and you'll pick up messages when you get the chance and that you'll be ready for visitors in a week or two.

Assuming you've got an OH, you might like visitors to help a bit once he's back at work. Then can make you tea and snacks. Tell them to bring food too and even do the washing up. They get to see baby in exchange for errands.

Hope it gets better soon.

junebirthdaygirl · 16/02/2017 19:20

When my friends had babies years ago l always waited a few weeks to visit as knew things would be hectic. You are very normal to want this and friends will be the same themselves when they have babies.

Boolovessulley · 16/02/2017 19:53

Congratulations.

There is nothing wrong with you.

Have you got a partner who can message your friends saying your not feeling up to visitors. When you've got a better routine and your stitches have healed you'll be in touch with them and will have a good matter then.

AyeAmarok · 16/02/2017 19:59

Woman's Hour on Radio 4 had a midwife on a week or two ago.

Her advice was "spend the first week in bed, and the second week on the sofa. Have your partner bring you drinks and food so you don't have to move. Let your mother come round, and your MIL if you can stand her, but no other visitors for the first two weeks".

Text your friends and just say you're still quite poorly and really sore, so aren't up and about yet.

Have they had DC? I'd never expect to see a baby this soon!

AyeAmarok · 16/02/2017 20:01

And congratulations on your baby! Look after yourself and cuddle your newborn.

Ask your partner to go out and buy Lansinoh cream for your nipples.

It does get easier, promise.

Wolfiefan · 16/02/2017 20:06

You're completely NBU. You need to be with your baby and deal with the healing and feeding. (It does get easier. I promise!)
Say you appreciate all the good wishes and will be in touch when you are ready for visitors.
Enjoy new baby cuddles and congratulations.
Oh and tea tree and lavender oil in a bath helped me. Shower off stitches as often as you can. Just a rinse. Pat dry with kitchen roll. Soon be all better!

Semaphorically · 16/02/2017 20:07

Congratulations on your new baby!

I didn't see anyone (including grandparents, but they live in another country) for at least a week after each of mine. It was lovely, and it's so important to have some space and time for your healing and to spend time getting to know your baby. Everyone else can just wait.

Also don't feel bad if you don't want anyone to cuddle your baby, you don't have to let them. I hated letting anyone else cuddle DD1 when she was tiny.

T00ManyB00ks · 16/02/2017 20:09

Yep, it's all about the "lying in" time in bed and sofa. That's time just for you and the baby. My first is due in June and that's what we'll be doing.

T00ManyB00ks · 16/02/2017 20:10

I've read tonnes of books that recommend that btw if anyone complains.