Husband texting female co-worker - updated

[RoseNarene]

Hello all

A week or so ago I posted a message here about WhatsApp messages I found on husband's phone to a female co-worker. Before Christmas there was a lot of moaning about me, which I asked him to stop and he said he would. A few weeks ago, I found out he was still doing it - but this time, he was insulting me and complimenting her, so it was quite flirty.

I had a lot of 'LTB' responses here but I decided to confront him and he completely broke down. He admitted it and also took responsibility for everything that has been not so great in our relationship. We have been through some tough stuff - we had the stress of an extension on our house that didn't always go to plan (neighbours caused problems that cost us extra money), I gave birth last May to our second beautiful daughter, and I was being very badly treated at work that led to me taking a lot of time off with work-related stress this time last year. He has complained a lot about me not showing him enough affection or getting enough sex, and that he feels like I don't love him and I just keep him around for his financial contribution and to 'babysit' our children. I've just told him don't be silly, of course I love you, I'm just tired a lot, baby is only 7 months, and we've been through a lot of stress etc.

So yeah, he was distraught and apologised repeatedly, he cried, he threw up. After a few days mulling it over, we had a make-or-break talk and I decided to forgive him and attempt to move on. Cue model husband behaviour. He cut off all contact with this woman though I never asked him to. Things were really looking up.

Until yesterday, when I received a text on my phone from the woman in question, telling me there's two sides to every story. I have no idea how she got my number - I can only recall meeting her once, yeeaaaars ago. Intrigued, I enquired further. She told me that although my husband is a good friend, she has found him very hard work in recent months as he has been very suggestive towards her. She didn't want to tell me everything but I pushed her and she print-screened the WhatsApp conversations (that took place before our make-or-break talk and that he had deleted from his phone so I only saw the less damaging ones - explains why I always thought it looked as though there were gaps) and they revealed the worst. To say that he has been 'suggestive' is an understatement. He has in detail said things he would like to see from her, do to her etc. And he even took a photo of himself and sent it to her. She didn't encourage him but he kept pestering her, honestly it was pretty pathetic. He was almost begging her to play along and send him photos of herself etc. I can't bear to read the messages again which says a lot as I'm usually such a morbidly curious person. I am ashamed and embarrassed by them and I didn't even write them.

So my pain is twofold really. He said he wouldn't text her again but did, and when we had our make-or-break discussion he kept from me just how far these messages had gone when he had every opportunity to be honest with me in the spirit of moving on. He also lied to me a few weeks back when he said he went to the pub with his mates and he actually went to see her. My other pain is that he was able to betray me so deeply and he just isn't the same person I married. Unless this was always in him and I just didn't see it.

So I packed a bag for him for when he got home and told him to leave. Again, he cried. He paced repeatedly. He went and got baby out of her cot (this was about 8:45pm) and just stood there in the hallway holding her and sobbing like it was the last time he would ever see her. He went up and cuddled 4year old too. Then he left.

He's gone to stay at his parents and he told them everything. Him and his mum came back today to pick up the girls and his mum came and gave me a big hug and told me she was really sorry and how shocked she was to hear what he had done. She seems to think we can work through it, but as I told her, she didn't see the messages. He is desperate to win me back. He is going to counselling and asked me to go but I said no. Honestly I think this is the end. I look at him and all I see is a desperate sex addict loser. He had everything - I loved him, we have two wonderful girls and a lovely house and I was about to apply for an excellent job that would mean he could be a part time worker and spend more time with the girls. And he has thrown it all away - and he knows it.

I guess I am just here for support. I'm scared of everything that's going to change if I don't take him back. I don't want to say I have made my mind up as this all happened only yesterday and I am pretty emotionless - just in shock still I suppose - though I do just want to cry every now and then. And I'm so angry with him for what he did and how he is putting me in the position of having to make a decision like this. But I really do feel like this is the end. It feels so surreal, like it's not really happening.

I am worth more than this. I deserve better.

Jesus, a sex pest, he's lucky she never contacted the Police; and you deserve a million times better than this sorry excuse; crying because he's been caught; what a lying, sleazy git he is, sorry OP, but he is.

Stay strong, do not have him back until, as you say he can prove he has changed, I'm doubtful of that; some people are just inherently selfish and self entitled and have no regards for fidelity and commitment; he just wanted his cake so hope he chokes now.

I suddenly realised I have Pixie Lott Cry Me Out in my head on loop!!

When I read that he made himself puke when you found out what he'd been up to I nearly puked myself. Machiavellian piece of shit.

Men like him are plankton. Oxygen thieves.

"I am worth more than this. I deserve better"

Write that on post it notes and stick them EVERYWHERE

This situation I know far to well , and I feel for you I really do , this happened to me 11 years ago , and after 12 months of him coming back and fro because he said he loved me and wanted me and the children , we did Relate , holidays , weekends away, and saying he would never have contact , I was then shocked to find out after 8 years , yes 8 years he was still texting this other woman and couldn't let her go , he was the one Obsessed with her , I have had many dealings with this woman since , so my answer would be think very hard about having him back , as the shock of keeping finding out things is to painful , I am sorry your children are only small , I do wish you all the happiness of you can get through this I really do x

GOODNESS ME! He really knows what to say, when and to what effect in order to get the right emotion!! Using a baby monitor when it suits him just to provoke the necessary feeling. I agree that he will manage to take the counselor on his side.

I feel for you - this is awful. But I don't think it helps just demonising him and calling him a prick because underneath it all you will still love him and you have children together. It sounds like he has some serious problems. I think ugly behavior like this is akin to alcohol or gambling - they do it out of fear, stress or whatever nest of dark snakes is driving them. If he is getting help that is something. Take your time, look after yourself. You may choose to go on without him, and that may be the right thing to do, but keep calm (well try) and take your time. Hugs to you.

I don't agree Rosabug,
I think people sometimes just choose to behave badly & justify it by thinking their not getting 'enough' at home & hence blame it, in their own minds on their partners. I don't always think it comes from some underlying problems.

So sorry you're going through this OP. Keep the chin up.

**they're not their

Feeling neglected is one thing, actively pursuing another woman is something else. Fwiw, my ex had the same reaction on being caught out: throwing up, tears, shock. And lied to my face ten seconds after swearing he would be completely honest and do anything to save our marriage. You've done the right thing. Once the trust is gone, it's very difficult to get it back. And impossible if he's going to continue lying to you.

Well he has proven he is a shit husband and that he cannot be trusted.

He might be able to be a good dad to your DDs, but you don't have to live with him for that to happen, you just have to facilitate contact.

Don't make any rash decisions but you know you really do deserve better than this. I wonder what he would do if the shoe was on the other foot, and you had been texting a male colleague moaning about him and begging them to send you a photo of their dick?

Sky what a fucking ridiculous post. I've reported it.

Easy for us to say LTB. He didn't sleep with her (although he wanted to and maybe would have, maybe would have bottled it, you will never know). He sounds genuinely sorry if he confessed everything to his mum. See what happens now. See how hard he fights for his family and whether he attends the counselling. See whether he's ready to commit everything to getting you guys back. I think the colleague's motivation for showing you the messages is strange and you don't have the full picture (eg were they flirting with each other in RL and she just appeared reluctant on messages?). People make mistakes and sometimes it doesn't mean they'll ever do it again. Often they do though. Most marriages go through crap and pressure is worse when the babies come. My twopence, but it sounds like you still love him. You do deserve better, your kids deserve better. Maybe that's without him but maybe it's with him post-wake up call. Take time on this one - it'll take time for him to change, and time for you to work out what you really want for you and the kids.

salsah I was going to quote bits of your post but I disagree with so much of it!

The fact he didn't sleep with her was merely a technicality. Have you ever received/seen texts like the OP's husband sent from a married man? Because I have. In many cases sex would be over more quickly and be a lot less satisfying! There is a lot of thought and imagination that goes into these texts over several days/weeks/months... A ONS would be far less of a betrayal.

He hasn't confessed because he is sorry. He's confessed all in an effort to appear contrite because all of his other approaches have failed (deny; minimise; lie... so now he's going for the "doting dad and respectful husband" to make the OP think about how much she'd be throwing away if she ended it - because that's what he'll say next)

It doesn't matter whether the other woman was flirting with him or not. The OP's husband is married. He should have put a stop to it, not have been sexting her.

People do have their head turned and can be attracted to someone else. And sometimes, if the conditions are right, they can find they have let it go a little further than they would have intended. I can see that. But deleting messages and only telling half truths when discovered in a deliberate attempt to mislead and manipulate the OP was a definite, calculated and intentional effort to lie to and disrespect her.

That is not a man I would want to be with.

The OP is right, this will have changed how she sees him; the sort of person he is in her eyes. She is, and deserves, far better than that!

OP - I am sorry. It all is terribly unfair and hurtful. And difficult, very difficult.

Posts like these often generate the automatic MN response - leave him, just like all men he is shit, and all that. And sometimes it's fair, and sometimes it's a very b/w way of looking at things.

All I wanted to say - you do sound like you still love him. And he does - you. Him throwing up when you were in the middle of it - not something easy to fake.

And - nothing really changed since the original time of your discussions. He is not a sex addict. Of course he fantasised about sex when he wrote to OW. Even if it's difficult to hear - it's human. It is also different from actually acting upon it. Part of it is a release, especially when things are lacking somehow. Part of it is out natural tendencies for being naughty - we all have them.
(When MNetters come with pitchforks at the mention of that - it's so hypocritical!!!
Tomorrow i am seeing a play with Jude Law at Barbican - and he, apparently, undresses on stage. And none of the women in the audience will fantasise about touching him.
Yes. We, women don't do that.
It's only men. It's filthy)

And two more points. You are at this point at a very hard and emotional place. And with a small baby as accumulated tiredness, and hormones that haven't yet settled after the baby.
So, whatever you decide and do - i hope you take that into consideration.

And finally - what OW did writing to you. I am a cynical person, and her motivation and honesty is highly questionable here. There is absolutely no reason for what she has done, other than cause hurt and manipulate people.
He had cut off contact as it is. She wasnt asking you to tell him to stop.
When he was sexting her - putting an end to it, if she didn't enjoy he attention - would have been very, very easy.
Her side of the story - no one involved needed to hear it.
My best guess is that she wanted to hurt him somehow. There is no other reason for writing to the wife of a man you've been flirting/texting with.

But - despite all of the above - it all sucks and you are at a bad place.
Sorry!!!!!!

Well there is nothing he did that deviated from the 'script' when cheaters get caught op, so good riddance is an understatement.

None of those reasons (stress, having a baby etc.) would make a decent man cheat.

Of course he fantasised about sex when he wrote to OW. Even if it's difficult to hear - it's human. It is also different from actually acting upon it. Part of it is a release, especially when things are lacking somehow. Part of it is out natural tendencies for being naughty - we all have them.
(When MNetters come with pitchforks at the mention of that - it's so hypocritical!!!
Yes, it may be human and natural to fantasise about sex with someone else. A decent partner will not pursue this in any way. I don't think that's a hypocritical opinion.

He's a lying bastard who will never change, you deserve so much better than that.

As hard as it will be to divorce, that difficulty will only be temporary, you'll move on, create a new comfort for you and your kids and when you're ready you can, if you wish, find a nice man who will be honest, loyal and treat you as you deserve.

Hey everyone... I just wanted to update you all again. :)

I filed for divorce and my Decree Nisi is in court on 14th August.

Ex's behaviour got really bad. He told me that everything was my fault because I made him feel lonely and I refused to go to marriage counselling so everything that followed, I had asked for. He stripped naked at my house in front of my friend in an attempt to get me alone. He hung around in his car outside for an hour.

I took the kids and went to my mum's when I realised he had been badmouthing me to my eldest, and she started saying things like "why won't you forgive daddy? he made a mistake and loves you so much", and I overheard him say to her "mummy is nasty and causing arguments but I will protect you" etc etc. This all resulted in her telling me she hated me, withholding affections and just not being the same little girl. That was at the end of May - he hasn't seen the kids since then.

Which is why he went for a Child Arrangement Order, which was in court this Monday just gone. He wants the kids 50/50. I want him to have alternate weekends but gradually built up after a SPIP as he needs to learn he can't say those things to the kids (which he denied whilst under oath that he had said them at all, when I bloody HEARD him!! Infuriated me to hear him lie to blatantly). He also wanted the Court to order me to let the kids go on this holiday that had been arranged with his family before he split, but youngest is only 15 months and hasn't seen him since May so I said that was a bad idea and we need a gradual reintroduction.

He had his solicitor. I had no one. But the magistrates sided with me and I got exactly what I wanted, with a final hearing due in December.

I'm feeling pretty awesome about it all! When I came at the end of January looking for advice, who would've thought that I would now be where I am? Granted, it's not all perfect. I'm still at my parents' but I'm looking to sort my housing soon. I'm super pleased to report that my eldest's behaviour has gone back to what it was before and I've had no more issues with her withdrawing from me, so I've managed to heal the damage he caused with his negative comments.

The final hearing is in December as we couldn't agree but by then I will have legal aid (I had to leave my job altogether for the time being) so I'm not too concerned. I've heard that courts rarely change what has been ordered in the interim - which is a a day a week building up to every other weekend so exactly what I asked for - so I'm confident that it'll go my way and the girls will be happier and everything will be on the road to normality once more!!

Also, really curious to know what skyislimit's deleted comment was! Must have missed that!

Brilliant update. I'm glad things are going well.

I've just seen this for the first time and read the thread. I have nothing really useful to add but I'm in awe of your strength and focus. What an amazing update to read and such a rarity from the threads I've previously read people who lack that self worth and determination that a new life will be ok. I hope should I find myself in any circumstances similar again I will be more like you

I also just caught up but had to stop by and say good for you & your girls

You are AMAZING. I love the phrase ' I am worth more than this. I deserve better'. It should be the mantra for everyone with a fuckwit partner. You've gone through a phenomenally tough time, thanks to your fucktrumpet ex, but you're coming through it, and excelling at it. You sound strong and decisive. I am in awe!

Hey Rose, I remember you as it was shortly after I found my husband had been somewhat of a dick quite a few years ago, big hugs to you, onwards and upwardsxx

he made the decision for you when he was cheating.
never go back.
take that excellent job offer.