Husband texting female co-worker - updated

[RoseNarene]

Hello all

A week or so ago I posted a message here about WhatsApp messages I found on husband's phone to a female co-worker. Before Christmas there was a lot of moaning about me, which I asked him to stop and he said he would. A few weeks ago, I found out he was still doing it - but this time, he was insulting me and complimenting her, so it was quite flirty.

I had a lot of 'LTB' responses here but I decided to confront him and he completely broke down. He admitted it and also took responsibility for everything that has been not so great in our relationship. We have been through some tough stuff - we had the stress of an extension on our house that didn't always go to plan (neighbours caused problems that cost us extra money), I gave birth last May to our second beautiful daughter, and I was being very badly treated at work that led to me taking a lot of time off with work-related stress this time last year. He has complained a lot about me not showing him enough affection or getting enough sex, and that he feels like I don't love him and I just keep him around for his financial contribution and to 'babysit' our children. I've just told him don't be silly, of course I love you, I'm just tired a lot, baby is only 7 months, and we've been through a lot of stress etc.

So yeah, he was distraught and apologised repeatedly, he cried, he threw up. After a few days mulling it over, we had a make-or-break talk and I decided to forgive him and attempt to move on. Cue model husband behaviour. He cut off all contact with this woman though I never asked him to. Things were really looking up.

Until yesterday, when I received a text on my phone from the woman in question, telling me there's two sides to every story. I have no idea how she got my number - I can only recall meeting her once, yeeaaaars ago. Intrigued, I enquired further. She told me that although my husband is a good friend, she has found him very hard work in recent months as he has been very suggestive towards her. She didn't want to tell me everything but I pushed her and she print-screened the WhatsApp conversations (that took place before our make-or-break talk and that he had deleted from his phone so I only saw the less damaging ones - explains why I always thought it looked as though there were gaps) and they revealed the worst. To say that he has been 'suggestive' is an understatement. He has in detail said things he would like to see from her, do to her etc. And he even took a photo of himself and sent it to her. She didn't encourage him but he kept pestering her, honestly it was pretty pathetic. He was almost begging her to play along and send him photos of herself etc. I can't bear to read the messages again which says a lot as I'm usually such a morbidly curious person. I am ashamed and embarrassed by them and I didn't even write them.

So my pain is twofold really. He said he wouldn't text her again but did, and when we had our make-or-break discussion he kept from me just how far these messages had gone when he had every opportunity to be honest with me in the spirit of moving on. He also lied to me a few weeks back when he said he went to the pub with his mates and he actually went to see her. My other pain is that he was able to betray me so deeply and he just isn't the same person I married. Unless this was always in him and I just didn't see it.

So I packed a bag for him for when he got home and told him to leave. Again, he cried. He paced repeatedly. He went and got baby out of her cot (this was about 8:45pm) and just stood there in the hallway holding her and sobbing like it was the last time he would ever see her. He went up and cuddled 4year old too. Then he left.

He's gone to stay at his parents and he told them everything. Him and his mum came back today to pick up the girls and his mum came and gave me a big hug and told me she was really sorry and how shocked she was to hear what he had done. She seems to think we can work through it, but as I told her, she didn't see the messages. He is desperate to win me back. He is going to counselling and asked me to go but I said no. Honestly I think this is the end. I look at him and all I see is a desperate sex addict loser. He had everything - I loved him, we have two wonderful girls and a lovely house and I was about to apply for an excellent job that would mean he could be a part time worker and spend more time with the girls. And he has thrown it all away - and he knows it.

I guess I am just here for support. I'm scared of everything that's going to change if I don't take him back. I don't want to say I have made my mind up as this all happened only yesterday and I am pretty emotionless - just in shock still I suppose - though I do just want to cry every now and then. And I'm so angry with him for what he did and how he is putting me in the position of having to make a decision like this. But I really do feel like this is the end. It feels so surreal, like it's not really happening.

I am worth more than this. I deserve better.

And you won't consider counselling.

The reason I won't consider counselling at the moment (not completely counting it out as yet) is because he has his own issues to work out before we can contemplate moving on as a couple - if there is a couple left to save. He needs to figure out why he has behaved the way he has and, as he said, deal with the guilt that he is suffering. I've told him that he can't expect me to wait around for him to figure out his issues. I need some space right now to reflect and decide what we are going to do. But the fact remains that he needs to sort himself out before we can sort 'us' out.

At the moment I don't feel like we can move on from this. I just see him completely differently now.

Be careful about counselling. Counsellors are all different - some of them see it as a personal failure if they can't reunite a couple, some of them insist every break-up is a 50/50 responsibility, others are downright hand-maidens. You can read all kinds of counselling horror stories on here. So if it's a road you choose to go down, vet the counsellor yourself!

This might be a good thread to start with - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1881833-Has-anyone-had-a-good-experience-of-Couples-Counselling

I am worth more than this. I deserve better.

^^ this times a thousand.

i also got the spiel about how he was feeling so neglected when i was doing everything by myself with a newborn/baby/toddler (also expat so away from family and friends), how i was rejecting him for sex despite still doing it several times a week, etc etc. has taken me a very very long time to realize it was all BS and he was just selfish and wanted what he wanted when he wanted how he wanted. it does a number on you, until you repeat the above sentence to yourself over and over and realize it wasn't you, it was him.

best of luck.

If he had felt neglected then helping you more with the kids or talking to you about it would have been more helpful than chasing a colleague. He's grabbing at straws to make what he did about you. Had the colleague been responsive, he would have had an affair too, probably. All this whilst you're tackling all the things that you are.

You've done the right thing.

All I can say is good riddance to the wet, pathetic, walking nob end. You went through some stressful times and his answer was to start dribbling after a work colleague. He lied, lied and lied again.

He did not behave like an adult in an adult relationship. He behaved like an immature teenage nobber, you gave him a chance and he fucked it up. No, don't let him back in your life, ever.
Bollocks to counselling, he is just saying that and clutching at straws.
Bollocks to forgiving him and another chance.
Bollocks to him, he will do it again.

Crocodile tears and drama when he realised he'd been found out, give him an Oscar and the boot, for good.

Bollocks to it!

I hope you manage to sort things out for yourself, your children and leave him to grow up and be a decent father and hopefully, human being.

(((HUGS))) ⚘

Rose , I did not want to read and run. I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. I have just discovered that a similar problem with my dh so feel your pain. I am really glad that you have a supportive group of friends and family with you. Lots of love xx.

From what you have said, this man child is not worthy of you. Counselling is not for everyone, don't feel pressured into it. Support from family and friends is an effective therapy. Thinking of you

Op I remember your last thread, I'm so sorry things have now ended up like this.

But just wanted to say that you sound amazing, you have so much strength and calmness and so very level headed which is coming across in your posts, I'm so glad for you too to have the rl support that you have, wish I had half of that.

You may not feel it now but you will be just fine.

I do find it odd about the OW though. If she didn't want the attention and found him hard work, why has she continued contact with him and meeting him.

I know you don't know the answer to that but I was just pondering it out loud.

It's ALL about HIS need, his wants etc...

He sounds extremely manipulative. The tears weren't for you or your baby and young child, the were tears of self-pity as he'd been caught out again.

You've done the right thing OP. Concentrate on YOU and your little ones. He will systematically press every single one of your buttons to get the response he desires. He will use other people, even his own children as emotional conduits to tug at your heart strings.

He'll wait for a moment of weakness and attempt to further manipulate. Keep him at arms length. Communicate via a third party regarding the children short-term.

Get some legal advice. Take copies of all the messages.

But this is not a reason for you to not apply for the better job - if you don't, you will regret it.

Well done. He sounds very selfish and emotionally immature.

I do wonder about the "two sides to every story" woman though and what she had to gain from "outing" his behaviour. Was the attention from him genuinely unwanted? If so why didn't she just block and put an end to the messaging? Or is her nose out of joint for ending their relationship and she feels hard done by at being loaded with all the blame?

Sorry. Just realised none of that about the ow really matters but it's just curious to me.

You sound incredibly sensible, rational, together and clear-eyed. I'm truly impressed at your tone, even though you must be in so much pain.

What always galls me about tales like this is the ratbags that beg forgiveness, and then continue the affair. It just smacks of thrill seeking at the potential cost of the victim's feelings, finances, stability, friendships...and in this case the OP and children ARE victims as their lives have been tailspun because of the actions of a selfish, stupid man.

Deplorable behaviour that deserves nothing but contempt. Forgive me if I'm getting ahead of the curve, but I hope you take him to the cleaners at divorce time.

You're absolutely right that you deserve better.

This colleague of his, is she lower down the pecking order than him?

Did she ignore his messages at points? Was it more him than her?

I am not sure I could get past it if I felt my oh was a sex pest.

I feel for you darling, you don't deserve this, and yes you absolutely are worthy of better than this.

@Miserylovescompany2

What you have said totally resonates. My mum has always told me how manipulative she thinks he is. I saw it too but I think I ignored it for the sake of our relationship and the kids etc. At the moment I think he is trying to be appreciative and complimentary as if he is trying to prove he is different now... he has messaged me this morning to say that he has a new appreciation for me as a mother because he is at his parents with the baby and he used their baby monitor (we don't use one) and was woken a lot by the noises she made. I must have told him a million times that he ought to get a baby monitor so he would actually appreciate how often I am woken by both children in the night, which then contributes to how tired I always am. (He doesn't wake up because he is a little hard of hearing and sleeps through everything.)

So it just made me a bit angry tbh because it's like, you choose NOW to do this, to tell me you now understand how much my sleep is interrupted. I think I used to tell him how tired I was so, so often that eventually he just stopped listening. Rather than take how much I went on about it as a teeny tiny hint that my lack of sleep was such a massive contributor to my mood and my day and my life etc, he just switched off and stopped caring because he felt I just droned on about it. YEARS it has taken for him to NOW say he understands.

No thanks. Doesn't wash with me one bit.

So sorry OP. You are a great role model for your daughters and you are right, you are worth so much more. He had countless opportunities to change his behaviour when the texts were discovered the first and second time. There are no excuses - if he was unhappy he should have spoken to you, not pestered a colleague.

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, but just wanted to say you sound like a brilliant mother

To anyone say you can work through it, ask them:

"What is it about me that makes you believe I should be lumbered with a cheater for the rest of my life and the pain and mistrust I'd have to carry?"

As you said, you deserve better

If you're scared of what you are going to lose, go to the counseling with him. If you don't you will never know if you could have made it work.

Sending u big hugs rose

nanoo

I believe op said they were friends. If this woman believed he was a good friend then she may have hoped at first he was just having a temporary personality crisis and she could just keep turning him down and eventually he'd come to his senses and they could go back to being friends.

I wonder what he said to her at work that prompted her to contact op. By the sounds of her saying "two sides to every story" I think he made out it was all her fault and "you've nearly ruined my marriage" crap. In other words - the same manipulative, self serving bullshit he dished up to op.

Op glad you have support, you sound really strong. Good luck with your new job.

@Pocketsaviour

That is precisely it. She told me that she really thought / hoped it would stop. She decided to tell me about it I suppose after he cut all contact with her and though we don't really mean anything to each other, she wanted to get her side of the story across. Plus she said a work friend had been telling her to tell me for ages but she felt awkward and stuck in the middle and she still wanted to be friends with him and she knew I didn't like her so she didn't know what to do.

Yes pocket I wondered what he may of said to her that prompted her to contact rose

Manipulative men and counselling don't mix. He'll most likely get the counsellor on his side. I'd go with everything miserylovescompany and SmellySphinx said. It's been all about him but now it needs to be all about you and your little ones. You deserve so much better.