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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU? Because I've totally lost perspective. DP and lying.

82 replies

DianaMitford · 15/02/2017 22:49

Please can someone advise me whether or not I'm being completely unreasonable?

DP and I have been together for a year. He has lied throughout this time. It's stupid stuff - like I walked in on him masturbating and he swore blind he wasn't and even "showed" me his phone so I could see the screen. He'd hidden what he was actually looking at.

Then one day we were playing a game with my dd and he claimed he wasn't looking up the answer on his phone. Dd told me later when we were alone that he had indeed been looking up the question. She was sitting next to him so could see the screen. Again, he lied and lied until he was forced to confess. I forgave him.

Now the big one. He works away a lot and we made a pact that neither of us would masturbate during this time. The idea being we'd feel closer to one another and it would make his homecoming all the better. I have stacks and stacks of messages telling me how horny he is, how he could go this length of time without an orgasm, reminding me that I couldn't, etc etc. Something didn't feel right and after some probing today he admitted that he had masturbated. He's now "ashamed", "guilty", "embarrassed", doesn't know why he lied, it got harder to get out of - I'm sure you can all imagine.

There's no doubt that he's sorry and he's sworn that he will never lie to me again. I just can't stop going over all the messages he sent lying about it and I feel absolutely stupid for believing in him.

I've cried on and off all day and I feel ridiculous for that too - but I accept the way he's made me feel. This is a very serious relationship and I don't know whether to just get the fuck on with it or whether something else needs to happen.

OP posts:

TrippyMcTrapFace · 15/02/2017 23:13

I'm sure I saw a very similar thread recently.

pinkblink · 15/02/2017 23:14

I'd seriously see my arse if my husband told me what I could and couldn't do with my own body

Original poster

DianaMitford · 15/02/2017 23:14

I haven't seen any other threads. I started this one out of sheer desperation. It's difficult to describe the deception without going into the detail about why.
And this is the bit I truly don't get, I'm a laid back, trusting sort of person who isn't inclined to make a fuss. As I've said repeatedly, it's simply the fact that he's lying. If he'd told me I would have laughed and teased him. He was the one who wanted this pact in the first place! It's so fucking ridiculous. But yet still the lies...day after day, phonecall after phonecall, he lied throughout. Why ffs??? Why not be upfront?

need - you have it there. Quite accurate.

OP posts:

ShootFruit · 15/02/2017 23:15

YABU! Poor guy

Original poster

DianaMitford · 15/02/2017 23:16

At no point did I tell him what he could or couldn't do! His suggestion, his choice.

OP posts:

Bringbacksummer · 15/02/2017 23:18

I honestly can't comprehend people having to report back on when they masturbate! What a weird conversation to have after being away for a few days.

There was another thread on here a few days ago, another lady who wanted her DP to check in with her when he masturbated.

I find this the most odd thing I've ever come across.

Opel9 · 15/02/2017 23:19

So he made a silly pact and didn't keep to it, you can't laugh it off? I don't understand why it's so serious.

You give examples of fibs but both of them are examples where perhaps he was a bit ashamed - he got caught wanking and also maybe didn't know the answer to something and looked it up, to save face and now it's a Big Deal

maras2 · 15/02/2017 23:19

rollon.
Presumably he was watching porn on his phone to aid the wank.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/02/2017 23:20

Have you ascertained exactly when he had this prohibited wank?

It might have been post sending you the last text why am I engaging!

ShootFruit · 15/02/2017 23:20

I agree with Opel

Opel9 · 15/02/2017 23:22

I will be honest I have suggested to my DP that we 'save ourselves' a few times when we are apart, and then piss myself laughing when he fails miserably at it

needanothercat · 15/02/2017 23:23

I seem like the only one, but I don't think the wanking is the problem..
If I walked in on my boyfriend making a sandwich and he tried to concall he was making a sandwich even though I could clearly see the buttered knife, yet he protested so vehemently that no sandwich making was going on, I would not be cross about him having a sandwich but I sure would be saying wtaf are you lying for It doesn't mean I'm against him making sandwiches now, in the past or in the future!!
And when what you've clearly seen is made out to be all in your head and you're controlling etc.. I can see it getting frustrating when you clearly saw the crumbs lol.

I would be asking why he thinks he needs to lie, what he feels he's gaining and whats the worst that could happen for him if he told the truth.
You seem on different pages and that may help make the boundaries clearer for you both.

measles64 · 15/02/2017 23:24

Whilst we are all giving advice here to Diana, I wonder where he is and what he thinks you are doing. How open are you when you come to think about it.

We all have a private life, we can come on here and talk about ourselves and our families without them knowing does that make us liars?

ShootFruit · 15/02/2017 23:24

Yes I don't see the issue, it's silly white lies. Tell him you don't care, he doesn't need to lie then have a laugh about it. Winding yourself up and probably him about a non issue!

ExplodedCloud · 15/02/2017 23:25

He suggested It? Suggested it seriously or jokingly?

ExplodedCloud · 15/02/2017 23:26

But yes, pointless fibs would annoy me.

tiredofhavingtothinkofnewnames · 15/02/2017 23:27

The op has an interesting posting history.

ShootFruit · 15/02/2017 23:28

"If I walked in on my boyfriend making a sandwich and he tried to concall he was making a sandwich even though I could clearly see the buttered knife, yet he protested so vehemently that no sandwich making was going on"

Original poster

DianaMitford · 15/02/2017 23:30

Suggested seriously and I don't believe in "silly white lies". A lie is a lie. If it was once that's a different story. But this was multiple times, completely fabricated feelings and thoughts.

It's not about wanking, that's just the context. It's about the lying.

OP posts:

buckeejit · 15/02/2017 23:31

We'll look how you're reacting. When he lied in the phone & said he hadn't etc, did you say more 'oh well done babe, me either' or closer to 'I couldn't give a shit if you've masturbated, do what you want'?

It seems pretty immature to dwell on little lies without good reason. My dh has a look at quiz answers & stuff like that occasionally, he wouldn't admit it & I wouldn't force him to as he'd be embarrassed but he's a good person apart from this & in the last 10 years it hasn't caused any issues.

Opel9 · 15/02/2017 23:36

Ok taking the lying, what I have asked is why it has become so serious and not laughed off as a funny fuck up by either of you.

Was the looking up on the phone during the game something that could have been messing about, but the approach you took was hard line and forceful? I have no idea what the picture looked like of when he was caught in these acts and how it was approached.

My picture would look like me saying 'I know you cheated! You naughty cheater!' And laugh about it. With walking in in wanking I probably would have said 'oh my god I am so sorry haha! Having fun there, want me to join in..?.'
But if it was OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING approach then it can be understandable that people who don't like conflict may tell a fib.
Is he passive and avoids confrontation? Are you confrontational?

This sounds possibly like a communication issue.
Yes some people do lie regardless that is true. But these seem quite trivial, sorry

AshesandDust · 15/02/2017 23:42

You DP seems got at, OP. I have some sympathy with him - even DD snitches on him to you for looking up the answers to a game.

AnnieNeedsAMacBook · 15/02/2017 23:50

It is not a 'serious relationship', you've been together a year.

He's a liar - get rid.

Get yourself some counselling.

Your DD too.

Megatherium · 15/02/2017 23:53

It seems to me that actually there is a serious issue with the wanking thing, and that is that he sought to control you in that respect by proposing this silly pact when in reality he had no intention of keeping to it. It's not so much the lying about the fact that he was doing it, but the much bigger lie about his overall intention in order to obscure his attempt to control you. That's what you need to focus on.

ExplodedCloud · 15/02/2017 23:53

Well if it's the lying that's annoying you then that's unlikely to go away completely is It? Cut and run.

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