Got a letter from my mother today. It's quite upsetting to read.Maybe it's best if I just copy it out as faithfully as possible:
Dear A & B,
I need to write this letter to both of you because I'm appealing to you jointly for help.
In little more than one year (starting in 2009), I lost my mother, father, brother-in-law, cousin and also an aunt and an uncle. You need to know that the pain of being blocked from your lives in the last year and a half has been far far worse. The grief is often overwhelming. I cry a lot and on the worst days am forgetful and find it hard to concentrate. I'll struggle to follow conversations or read more than a few lines. (this letter has taken me weeks to write... I'm desperate to choose the right words in order to be understood).
Dad copes differently. He 'blocks' things off. It usually makes him angry if I try to discuss these things; but recently he admitted he is 'grieving' for A - and his dgcs.
Following the death of a 19 year old friend two years ago, A's sister needed lengthy counselling at college. She said the other issue that came up frequently in her sessions, was the situation with A. A's other sister and brother and other family members are also sad, particularly when they see the effect it has on us... it is like ripples in a pond.
It is about two years since I had a normal conversation with A and in June it will be two years since we saw the dgcs. On that occasion for about 40 minutes. Neither of you will meet me or suggest a time for an appointment: I'm turned away from A's doorstep and calls are blocked by both of you. B will not give me his address.
If both of you remain equally hostile to us - A because she thinks we accused her of lying (we didn't) and B presumably (I'm only guessing here) because he believes A's DF of A's legal costs was an attempt to deprive him of his children (it EMPHATICALLY was not!); then surely simple logic says we cannot possibly have been 'against' both of you simultaneously? In fact we weren't 'against' anyone.
Neither of you confided in us and we had scant detail about the content of the Hearing. A's Df saw it as his duty to help A financially, and trusted the court would reach a decision on custody arrangements that would be fair to both of you both. This does at least appear to have happened.
To struggle to reconcile two conflicting accounts: the first describing an amicable separation due to 'incompatibility' and a 'bad atmosphere'; and the second, approximately a year later, speaking of A as the victim of physical assault, is not to accuse anyone of lying. The allegations were made belatedly; at a time of conflict over access; after living apart fairly peaceably (or so it seemed to us) for a long period. How could we NOT find that confusing? If one (or both) of you had confided in us and appealed to us to intervene at times of trouble we might have been able to help - and to understand.
When your children are adult and go through relationship breakdown (42% of marriages end in divorce), you too will discover that god-like insight into their circumstances or perfect judgement about the levels of wrongdoing between your child and their partner, is not available to you!
If the context of their troubles is a background of sparse and fractured communication between the couple and yourself over 10 or more years; if there has been a cyclical pattern of bouts of recrimination and accusation - often triggered by relatively trivial things; if you never actually hear the word 'sorry' after these incidents; even when (months later) the dust has finally settled; you too will find it wise to approach their marital conflict with neutrality and caution! (contd below)