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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive ex witholding money through csa

30 replies

Littlefrogletx · 15/02/2017 13:39

My abusive ex is playing the system.
He would threaten to withhold maintenance, so it was dealt with through csa.
He was instructed to pay on the 15th of the month.
He refuses to set up a standing order so transfers the money.
The money hasn't gone in.
I've spoken to csa and apparently he has up to 5 working days.
He knows this. He's still controlling me and being a bastard.
I asked about moving to the collect method and was told that if he pays in the 5 days they cant.
How on earth is this fair.
How can I ever break free of him laughing at me withholding money.

OP posts:
Andro · 15/02/2017 14:06

You can take the power back!

He has 5 working days from the 15th of the month, but if you change the expected date to the 25th (in your own head, not officially) you allow for bank holidays/weekends etc. Anything earlier is a bonus, you get the last laugh and if you need CSA to enforce it there's no question that he's out of line.

Nothing about it is fair, but if you set your personal boundaries correctly (to compensate for the unfairness) he's lost the control he seeks.

JoJoSM2 · 15/02/2017 14:18

Just have a budget and some savings so you're not affected by a small delay.

bibliomania · 15/02/2017 14:26

Agree with Andro. Also, if you can arrange things in your own mind so that you're genuinely not that bothered by it, you can still pretend to be bothered so he's delighted and pours all his spite into this little strategy. Can save a heck of a lot of trouble if he stops him from looking for other ways to get to you, stuff that is more harmful eg. false reports to Social Services (my ex's strategy for years till SS eventually put a stop to it).

Original poster
Littlefrogletx · 15/02/2017 16:07

Thanks.
I am just going to have to get used to it.
He's also done the false SS reports.
Out of interest what did they say to your ex to stop him?

OP posts:
bibliomania · 15/02/2017 16:14

He'd made numerous reports to SS about me over the years, each of which was investigated and found out to have no substance. It culminated in him turning up at A&E with dd, with him insisting her ribs were hurting, so she ended up with an x-ray and an overnight stay. She was released (to me) the next day when nothing whatsoever had been found wrong.

Not long after that, SS wrote to him and invited him to do some work with them to "help manage his anxieties" around my care of dd. He was furious and made a formal complaint against them, but it worked, and he hasn't (touch wood) make any complaints again.

VivDeering · 15/02/2017 16:16

Just a reminder that these boards are trawled by The Sun and The Mail for copy. Anything you write here can, and sometimes unfortunately does, appear in certain papers and their websites.

Original poster
Littlefrogletx · 15/02/2017 18:58

Wow biblio.
Well done that they shut it down.
My ex has made stupid reports but not to that extent.
He was getting told over the phone that the allegations were unfounded by SS.
The reports were described as malicious but thankfully he stopped.
Well as far as I know, the reports are not going any further.
From the sound of what SS said to me they are used to it and cant suss out the bitter ex reports

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlefrogletx · 15/02/2017 21:32

Well he still hasn't paid, he said in email he will pay by the end of business today.
Just utter twattish behaviour

OP posts:
AndShesGone · 15/02/2017 21:34

Don't engage with him by email about money as he will just hold it over you. Just figure it on being 5 days later every month and ignore it. Well rant on here Grin but never let him see it bothers you

RandomMess · 15/02/2017 21:35

I wouldn't engage in email conversation with him at all - he is feeding off it!!!

Do you have fixed contact?

PegaGryf · 15/02/2017 21:36

I'm still waiting 17months on. I cannot stand the CMS.

Original poster
Littlefrogletx · 15/02/2017 21:55

We have set contact, no court order.
He threatened me with court but then realised it would cost him.
He is a nasty abusive prick.
This is punishment because I made him leave after 2 years of EA.
He used to bully me, accuse me of things, has light me. Scare me, he used to record me when he was at work or in bed.he accessed all my emails and phone records.
He sent v personal photos of me to a woman he was talking to online, used to go through my underwear and sniff it to see if was cheating.
Used to take photos of a box I had with sex toys in to document if they had moved.
He rang my mum and neighbours to tell them I was a prostitute when I finally asked him to leave.
He left me a wreck,and he's still doing this shit now

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/02/2017 22:00

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Okay so set contact, so no need to bother with his emails - check half an hour before he is due that he hasn't cancelled, other than that ignore, ignore, ignore.

Expect the maintenance late, do not mention it, go back to CMS if he goes over the 5 days and ask to use the collection service.

Stay strong and blank/block/ignore he wants you to engage with him that is his reward.

Flowers
kittybiscuits · 15/02/2017 22:05

Never message him about money. This is why he pays late - for the pay off of upsetting you. Wait the 5 days then report him for late payment. Sorry he's a bastard.

Original poster
Littlefrogletx · 15/02/2017 22:07

From what they said he can pretty much piss about every month for up to 5 days.

He is an awful person. He denies he was ever abusive and it was all in my head.
I used to doubt it was that bad
But it was wasn't it. That kind of thing isn't normal is it.
I have doubts about everything.
I dont understand why he exhibits this level of hatred.
I've never stopped him seeing the kids.
I would never do that.
I hate him so much for what he did.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlefrogletx · 15/02/2017 22:10

Thank you.
I'm not going to message him about it again. You've stopped me from.doing it.
Thank You,

I want to up the csa to the collect option.
He can not be trusted.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 15/02/2017 22:12

It's not normal and it's not about you. It's about him. You're right - he can probably dick about like this with money every month. But if you ignore it, he will probably breach the five days a few times. Report him every time and you might get onto collect and pay. And let's face it he deserves to cough up an extra 20% per month for trying to screw his kid(s) out of the legal minimum forced maintenance.

Rainbowqueeen · 15/02/2017 22:14

Good for you little frog
Keep venting but present a picture of calm and tranquility to him!

RandomMess · 15/02/2017 22:17

Oh yeah ignoring his emails will piss him off. Set up a folder send them on automatic divert and review them once a week or so, do not reply.

If he says he's cancelling contact don't respond - he may or may not turn up no skin off your nose, disappointing for the DC but you can be cool and breezy "Daddy said he may not be able to make it this weekend, we can do x instead if he can't" so they have a warning type of thing.

Hopefully he will get bored more quickly this way!

Starlight2345 · 15/02/2017 22:20

Mine has just been transferred to CMS from CSA..I wanted collection service as CSA had to attach to benefits to get £5 a week. I am in the same position as you. My first payment is due 1st march.. He will be late. ( i don't have contact now though) ..The annoying thing is I asked what would happen if he doesn't pay in 5 days . they have to investigate. he has time to produce evidence he hasn't paid. So could be a while. Do change date due in your head. move some DD if necessary.. Do not discuss with him. Its not fun if he doesn't get a response.

kittybiscuits · 15/02/2017 22:20

You might think you can never get rid of him, but you will eventually. They do get bored when they go to all that effort to be provocative and you just ....ignore...ignore...ignore ....Grin

RedastheRose · 15/02/2017 22:28

He dicks about because he gets pleasure from your pain. Grey rock is the only way to go if you have to have any contact don't show him any emotion (stops him getting his kicks and you can secretly enjoy the fact that you know it pisses him off right royally). Otherwise as previously suggested change all your payment dates for bills until after 25th and when he pays late it no longer affects you. If he goes over the 5 days report to them (don't mention it to him) and get them to order set payment. People like him feed off getting a response, they do not care about upsetting anyone (dc's, other family, you) they are NOT normal so you can't treat them in the wa you would a normal person. Control is everything to someone like him and to have that control taken away makes them furiously angry.

ladylambkin · 15/02/2017 22:32

I agree with the others he can only control you if you let him. I'm sure he doesn't want to have to pay the extra 20% in charges to CMS so will pay but is taking it to the line.

In your head add a week onto the payment due date

kittybiscuits · 15/02/2017 22:33

Plus I've made a wax doll of him and stuck a few pins in strategic places for you Wink

Original poster
Littlefrogletx · 15/02/2017 22:41

Thank you all so much.
I've welled up with reading your words.
He is awful.
Thing is he's a coward. A spineless pussy.
We were together 14 yrs.
This was in the last 2 year's of the relationship.
He would never say boo to anybody else.
He used to go drinking with his sisters on off ex after he beat her black and blue we were in house at the time, he just made excuses and we left.
Whay kind of man would do that.
He has taken out every bit of aggression he has ever had on me in the last 3 years.
His mum abandoned him when he was 10 as she was a drug addict, he lived with his dad who is a total waste of space.
Now I used to think his behaviour could be down to a crappy childhood and used to give him second chances based on that.
But no, there is no excuse for his behaviour. I'm past that bit

OP posts: