Would you want your mum to say anything if...

[SeaShores]

she thought you were sleepwalking into a relationship that had red flags all over it?

Please be gentle and don't just say 'Her life, keep out of it, be there with the tissues...'
I know that!

DD is in a relationship (not yet living together but planning on it) but both me, DH and her close friends can see big red flags. We think she may be digging in because she thinks she is too old (late 20s) to get out and start again, as she would like a family at some point.

She lacks confidence at times, and underestimates herself, but has masses going for her in so many ways ( highly skilled professional career, very attractive, kind, thoughtful...) I'm biased, yes.

If I were your mum (I'm older than many people here on MN) how -if at all- would you want me to have that conversation with you so you don't become defensive and continue to hurtle into what may be a disaster? How would you want the conversation to start? Ultimately it is her life, but I feel it would be remiss of me not to say I have concerns...then of course the choice is hers.

Thank you all.

I don't think she is unhappy but I think she is effectively putting her fingers in her ears- lalalalala-and not wanting to hear things he says that show he is the centre of his universe and no one else.

I think she is idealistic enough to think he may change, or she can change him.

Or, she has low self esteem and believes she deserves no better.

There are not massive red flags like infidelity, drugs, booze, emotional abuse, etc, but he comes over as very selfish and somehow not ready for what she is ready for - and may never be. I worry she will take the risk of it working out and end up a few years down the line not with what she wants.

I can't give you details- sorry- this is a worldwide forum and anyone can read.

"I think she is idealistic enough to think he may change, or she can change him.

Does she not realise that it is hard enough even to change one aspect of her own behaviours?. Wanting someone else to do that is really an exercise in futility stemming from her own low self worth.

Or, she has low self esteem and believes she deserves no better".

That too. Its an ideal combination therefore to be targeted by an abusive man. I have no doubt whatsoever that she was targeted by him; he saw something in her that he can and has exploited to his own ends. He to my mind is abusive and has got inside her head. He knows how to manipulate her and others; such people are highly plausible and are master manipulators.

How long have they been together now and how did they meet?.

Unfortunately you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. I think life is really going to come crashing down around your DDs ears soon enough if it has not already. The drip, drip of power and control has gone on for a long time, certainly since the early days of their relationship. He has tested her to see how far he can push her.

I would also talk to her about the boiling water and frog analogy.

He's not abusive, he's just quite selfish in some ways but as they are not living together and it's almost a LDR she hasn't seen how he is day to day.

Doesn't sound like you've got enough to go on really. Sounds like you're veering dangerously close to being judgemental. You're not there when it's just the two of them. Remember you only ever get a pretty incomplete picture as a parent.

Nothing wrong with being a bit judgy when it's your DD! I don't know how you can say I haven't been there with just the two of them; they've stayed in my home and I've watched how they behave together and what's said between them. That's why I'm worried!!!

"I have said that I am not giving the whole picture as it would be too identifying. "

No, I appreciate that.

The problem then is it's very vague for people to try to make a call on.

Does it seem for example that they always do what he wants, or if she doesn't want to then he'll go alone rather than something they both want?

Would he go somewhere with her if he didn't want to?

I mean I would have preferred never to go to ILs, but I could tolerate it for my husband.

Just examples, you don't have to answer.

Well you can't be there when it's just the two of them. Alone as a couple. That's kind of what the expression means.

Unless you supervise all contact including sex?

I think the point of posting was to ask if it's worth trying to have a conversation at all, or if it's not my place to do so. I didn't want to go into the reasons why I'm worried for reasons of confidentiality on a public space.
It was basically, do you have this conversation at some point or not?

You can form an opinion on all kinds of relationships, batteries , without being a fly on the wall. I take your point, but it's a bit extreme and not helpful.

My opinion is - it depends on the severity. If it could just be a personality thing, I don't think it's a good idea. You'll end up giving the impression you think you have the right to vet her romantic involvements.

If you suspect actual abuse, that is difference, and I would try and have a very gentle conversation, focusing entirely on her and how the relationship makes her feel.

I would avoid ever stating my own opinion of him, either way. That never ends well.

The thing is, there's a heck of a lot of ground between not liking someone's 'personality' (which is not the issue) and actual 'abuse'. These are two extremes.

Someone can be self-centred without being abusive.
They can expect the other person to fall in with their choices, without their needs being duly considered or a compromise reached. This doesn't have to be 'abuse'- that's something else.

Like ewe said up thread.
Don't dwell on the situation or environment around her. Just concentrate on her and her feelings and self esteem etc.
As long as she's knows she has an 'out/ exit ' with you. ( hope that makes sense)

It must be so hard for you. I'm sorry.