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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do decent men date single mothers?

62 replies

ChampagneSparkles · 14/02/2017 19:07

I've been single for a year and a half now and have a 1 year old DD.

I want to get back in to dating but I'm worried about mentioning my DD in case this puts men off. I'm not looking for someone to replace DD's dad. I just want to see a few guys, no sex and just get to know people and build my confidence.

I'm in my mid 20's and quite attractive. Can I still have a successful relationship in the future with a great guy who can accept that I have a child from a previous relationship?. I have no evidence that the best men out there prefer childless women. But I'm convinced it's true. I don't want to be with a loser.

OP posts:
BeautifulLiar · 15/02/2017 10:50

Meh, he doesn't bath them without me there...

BeautifulLiar · 15/02/2017 10:55

Also I'm far from "grateful and lonely"

Cwtchythings · 15/02/2017 11:04

The right bloke for you will date you. If he's not interested because you have kids,he's not the right one for you.

I know that sounds trite but it was true for me, and helped me relax into dating too.

ConfusedCod · 15/02/2017 12:12

BeautifulLiar you have serious boundary issues.

Doesn't matter if you are there or not. Some man you barely know (come on, nearly three months?!) and you are letting him bath your kids. Even with help that's dodgy as fuck.

Even if he is just a nice bloke, three months is nothing. Relationship could go tits up at any minute as you haven't even got past the 'I'll pretend to be slightly less weird/ more nice than I actually am because we do t even know each other' stage.

And your poor kids have already been more than introduced to this bloke.

Ever heard of taking things not fucking stupidly slowly?

(Sorry op: for personal reasons hate it when mums throw practical strangers at their kids 'HERE LOVE THEM')

Mumandsome78 · 15/02/2017 12:55

yep - they do - and I can't say I've ever encountered any issues with it. I've revealed upfront on occasions, revealed a little later on some others. Either way I've received respect and interest, and many find it attractive to have a strong woman, who has other important things to fill their time, rather than needing permanent company....

Revelation is often tough in the anticipation but ok in the doing - I prefer to not have a perma reference to my son on my profile - so there does mean a slight burden on revealing quite a bit about yourself extremely early on - because of course I have to explain how I came to be a single mum of course ;-) - but then I also found this meant you begin things based on transparency which feels refreshing and brings a bit of intimacy early which can actually be nice.

Don't forget everyone has a past - and stuff about them - which can be a dealbreaker - kids/previous marriage are but one of these things...for me things like political persuasion, heavy drinking, smoking would be just as significant.

Clnz4fun · 15/02/2017 13:43

Of course there are decent men op but they are also still bad ones that will target single mums.

I usually state I have a dc on the first date as they are getting to know me as a person first and as a mother 2nd/last if it gets that far.

Take some time for yourself if you feel your self esteem is a bit delicate.
I'm a single dm to an older dc mid 20''s and I'm having a great time being solo but have met some fantastic men and some not so in the past.

Majority were decent/ totally ok with me being a single mum and respected me for it also.

Shockers · 15/02/2017 13:54

DS1 has recently met a woman who he thinks is very nice, but she has a 3 year old and he says that he's not ready for that. He's been honest with her about how he feels and they've decided to continue as just friends. I don't think this makes him an arsehole or a loser.

However, when he was little, I dated a man who wasn't honest with me about my son. He resented him, although he was really nice to him at first. It didn't last and I was annoyed about his lack of honesty.

Three years later I met DH. He's a fantastic step, and later adoptive dad, and we've been together 20 years, married for almost 19.

There are lots of men who make wonderful step fathers, but as long as they're honest, the ones who don't want that aren't necessarily baduns.

I hope you find someone to be happy with OP.

OhhBetty · 15/02/2017 14:47

Where have you all met these decent men can I ask?

lottieandmia · 15/02/2017 14:50

You've got one child - that's nothing. You will have no problem.

There are people who don't want to date people with children but Ime they are usually people who don't even want children of their own. I want to date someone who had no interest in my children anyway.

lottieandmia · 15/02/2017 14:54

Sorry that should say 'I wouldn't want to date anyone who had no interest in my children'

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 15/02/2017 14:55

OhhBetty I met mine at a friend's house, he's her partner's brother.

Underthemoonlight · 15/02/2017 15:00

I met my DH when my son just turned 2 I was left holding the baby when DS was just 13months as he wanted his young free life back. It was hard I did date but nothing serious for a year then met dh he is my soul mate he was a hundreds time better than ex who dated me prior to having DS so I think it goes to show the decent ones are still out and you can still get lumbered with an arsehole pre DC I know I did. Me and dh has gone on to have DC together and it was so nice to be treated with the love and respect when I had DD it was the polar opposite when I had DS with ex who told me my stomach was disgusting.

DS adores my dh he's been there for him when his father couldn't be bothered.

HarmlessChap · 15/02/2017 15:20

I'm sure there are plenty, one of them is a good mate of mine. He prefers to date women with kids as he's had bad experiences with women who resent him spending time with his kids but figures that mums get it.

One woman issued an ultimatum after about 3 months. She wanted him to go from EOWE to one weekend a month or she'd finish it, his reply "Here's your key, lets have mine back"

PoundingTheStreets · 15/02/2017 15:27

Yes, decent men date single mothers. However, I think it's probably a bit too soon for you.

Dating is a potential minefield of crossed wires and rejection at the best of times. If your self-esteem is already a bit low, best to work on improving it. That's best achieved as a single person - self worth can never be achieved from validation through the eyes of others.

Also, I know from when my DC were that young (I was a single parent of DTs from when they were 4 months old), that it would have been difficult to fit in time to really start a new relationship. Take out work, running a home and my DC, there was precious little 'me time' available, let alone time to fit in a relationship. If you sacrifice me time for a relationship, you really heighten the risk of picking a partner who will turn out to be manipulative/abusive/just plain selfish as you've already set the parameters - I count less than us.

I spent 6 years as a single parent. During that time I really concentrated on my bond with my DC, developing myself and developing my friendships (many with other single mothers). Despite the lack of funds in the early years (which really was horrific at some points), I look back on those years with extreme fondness. My self esteem grew hugely as I realised I could make it on my own and TBH it was the making of me, leading to a career change and vastly improved prospects. I then met my current DP who has turned out to be a fantastic step father.

I echo those saying take it slowly if you do meet someone. As a single parent, it is easy to fall into the trap of having dates at home and mixing in the kids to activities with your new partner. Money is tight, child care difficult to arrange, and it seems to combine the best of both worlds. IMO however, it's a mistake.

I think it's a good idea to introduce new partner and DC quite quickly (no sense in developing a good relationship only to then find he and your DC hate each other), but keep it light and uninvolved so he's only ever someone on the periphery for quite some time. And increase his involvement slowly. I took longer than most and each family is different, but the timescale I had was 6 months dating before being introduced (we only had 1 or 2 dates per month due to us both having busy lives). First introduction was a fun, family day out in which he also came along. No pressure on anyone then to bond. Then he'd pop in for a coffee before we'd go out on a date. This went on for about a year before he first stayed the night, and during that time we built from coffee to him staying for an evening watching a DVD with us before leaving.
The second year he became more involved in their lives, helping with homework, attending events with them, family days out together, etc.
The third year, I finally allowed him to read a bed time story with them and put them to bed. Not because I didn't trust him to do that before then, but because that time with my DC is sacrosanct (as it is for most children) - one time when they have my exclusive attention, the lights are low and they can confess any fears, etc. I needed to be sure that they were ready to 'lose' that time with me because they felt here was another adult who they could trust and turn to if they needed help.
Year four, he moved in.
DP now parents 50/50 with me, more so than many biological fathers (sad indictment on society). Parents evenings, days off when kids are sick, etc. He will take on primary care if I die.

It can, and does happen, that decent men date single parents. As a single mother, however, you have a duty to yourself, as well as your child, to ensure you are in a position where a relationship will enhance your life rather than become something else to juggle, and you need to be able to recognise those red flags and walk away if it's not right.

Good luck. Flowers

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 15/02/2017 19:13

Excellent post pounding.

SandyY2K · 15/02/2017 19:27

There may be some men who don't want to date a woman with children and vice versa, but there are a great deal of men who really don't it wouldn't bother.

You are very young and have every opportunity to find a decent man.

Please don't settle for any less than a decent man and don't hide the fact that you have a daughter either.

ChampagneSparkles · 15/02/2017 22:18

Dating is a potential minefield of crossed wires and rejection at the best of times. If your self-esteem is already a bit low, best to work on improving it. That's best achieved as a single person - self worth can never be achieved from validation through the eyes of others.

Agree with this. If I'm in a bad place mentally, I won't attract a guy that respects me.

Not sure about the introducing early though. What if it doesn't work out?. I don't want my DD to see men passing in and out of my life.

OP posts:
PoundingTheStreets · 15/02/2017 22:36

Kids see people come and go all the time. Nursery assistants, teachers, club leaders - all come and go without children having a tough time of it, and if you introduce really slowly, your child never develop even a fraction of the bond with your date that they have with any of the people mentioned above. That's the key to success really - keep it shallow until such time you know it's going somewhere, but some contact at least allows you to gauge interaction. You're aiming for something like say you lift share with a female colleague - your DC get to know that person a small amount but never form a real bond.

SuperBeagle · 15/02/2017 22:37

You can be a decent guy and not want to date someone with a child. Similarly, you can be a decent woman and not want to date a man with a child. It's not as simple as decent vs not decent.

I wouldn't date a man with a child, for a myriad of reasons. But that doesn't mean I'm a shitty person. I also wouldn't be surprised if someone didn't want to date me if I had a child, and I wouldn't automatically assume that they must be a bad person.

gentlydoesit89 · 15/02/2017 22:40

Met my DP when DS was 3. We had a frank conversation about not wanting marriage or (anymore) children, he didnt want any full stop. Didn't think it would work, but 18 months on they're thick as thieves and I genuinely can't believe how lucky we are to have him in our lives. There are decent guys out there and if it's right then you having the children won't phase him.

Bedsheets4knickers · 15/02/2017 22:49

Yes they do , I have many friends who are ridiculously happy and have partners who are amazing xx

SandyY2K · 15/02/2017 23:13

Not sure about the introducing early though. What if it doesn't work out?. I don't want my DD to see men passing in and out of my life.

^^ I totally agree with you on this point.

Some kids see so many men come and go... It's absolutely not the same as seeing different teachers or play group leaders. Those people aren't a part of their home life, or have an intimate relationship with their mother.

The attachment formed, especially if your DD doesn't have her dad in her life can be very close. That relationship isn't with another 20+ other kids either.

Opel9 · 15/02/2017 23:15

They do and I have one of them. He's a great dad himself and I love that about him (it's sexy in itself!)
He has no need to be alone with my kids and I don't live with him.

I won't date child free men anymore as they drove me crazy usually and have no clue how I can't just 'do' things and need to plan in advance etc.

It is about common sense

PoundingTheStreets · 15/02/2017 23:22

The attachment formed, especially if your DD doesn't have her dad in her life can be very close

Please re-read. I have stressed - twice now - about keeping it shallow. Children will not develop a close bond with someone they see maybe 10 minutes for once a week who is having coffee in the kitchen talking to their mother, not them, apart from some lightweight social niceties.

I am one of the first to have grave concerns about people letting new partners take on the daddy role too soon. It's always a mistake. However, not allowing introductions early is foolish on two counts. 1. It buys into internalised misogynistic views about women and parenthood. 2. People who leave it too long to at least introduce their partner find it far, far harder to break it off when it then transpires there's a clash between partner and children because they have, by that stage, invested far too much emotionally.

Valentine2 · 15/02/2017 23:26

Go for it OP. So many people in this world. I am sure some man out there would share my thinking: the more kids without pregnancy, the merrier. In fact, if I was an unmarried man at this stage of my life, I would actively seek someone with kids.
Go on and do it.