Need help making a decision

[Daftasalush]

Hi, I'm a regular but have name changed as I need advice without outing myself.

This is long.

I'm contemplating ending my 10 month relationship but I don't know if I'm being ridiculous and I feel strongly that I may regret it if I do. So, I really need advice please.

Terrible track record of relationships, a longterm abusive one (resulting in my three lovely children), one with a narcissistic man who turned out to be married, and a couple of short term disastrous relationships which ended because they were simply twats! (Children was never introduce to a new man)

I took time out to be on my own and focused on my kids and work. I finally took the plunge again and met current boyfriend. He is without doubt a wonderful man. I've never experienced a relationship like it. I want it to work and believe him when he says he loves me.

However, when we met, I was really upfront about my expectations. I'm 35 - I don't want to mess about. I told him I was looking for longterm with the possibility of marriage and another baby down the line. I wasn't trying to scare him off. I know nothing is guaranteed and I certainly wouldn't contemplate those things so early on in a relationship, but that was my life plan. In turn, he was honest and said he wanted to settle and marry but didn't want another baby (he is full time dad to his son). His reasons were understandable as he had a bad experience with the mother of his son and after a traumatic custody battle he felt scared by it all.

I understood but was honest and said that maybe we shouldn't waste each other's time and fall in love etc as we wanted different things.

After a week of no contact, he asked to meet me and discuss things. Said he would now be open to possibility of a child if things worked out for us. He said he was nervous at the prospect but realises I'm not the same as his ex and that he shouldn't let his experience cloud his judgement. We both discussed how this was all forward thinking but we would now enjoy a relationship and see if it blossoms.

We are both full time parents and work. We live an hours drive meaning we only see each other weekends. We met each other's children around 6 months in. Kids are happy all round and we all get on great together.

Fast forward to now. I'm beginning to feel like weekends are not enough. But I know there is no real solution just yet. My kids are settled here as is his where he lives. We are not even a year in, so it would be madness to move in together just yet anyway. He talks about our future but lately I've got the impression that he is happy how things are.

Examples..

He 'jokes' about getting the whole bed to himself when I leave. But before he'd always say 'I love waking up next to you' etc

He very rarely goes out with his mates, but lately he's been hinting at neglecting them a bit. Genuine question.. How do people in long distance/weekend relationship factor in time for their friends,, as in how regular? I've never sulked about it and vice versa, but I do try and save our weekends for us best I can as it'll be two weeks until we see each other!

He's younger than me. By 6 years. I'm starting to see that although age gap is small, he is at a stage I guess where life is more fancy free (can't really explain what I'm trying to say?!) whereas I'm beginning to crave more structure and be more settled.

The honeymoon period is over as such, although he is still always affectionate, thoughtful and great with the kids. But is it enough? I just don't know. Some weekdays I just want to cuddle up to him on sofa or hug him after a shit day at work etc. But I sit here and wonder if that will ever happen and when!

I'm gutted as we have booked a family holiday to mark our year anniversary. But on reflection, we should have waited to see how things panned out. Kids are looking forward to it and I can't afford to loose what we paid.

I'm scared if I throw it all away, I may never find someone as wonderful as him.

Do you think I'm mentally trying to rush what should be a natural process?

What does a relationship generally 'look' like after 10 months?

Finally.. If I'm in the wrong ..tips welcome on how to put a lid on my emotions and get on with it.

If you got this far.. Thank you!

10 months is still very early days. Especially when there are kids on both sides. You don't want to upheave their lives again without certainty
I think you're worrying about 10 steps ahead - you're thinking about being in a LTR for 3 years when you're not even there yet
If he is pulling away perhaps it is because you're putting way too much pressure on what should still be a fun new relationship
I'm not saying throw all caution to the wind and dismiss the future but more enjoy what you have NOW for what it is NOW
Don't wreck it because you're trying to anticipate the next 5 years. No one knows the future but if you don't enjoy the present you're just wasting your life

Do you think I'm mentally trying to rush what should be a natural process?

Already replied. But in short yes you are!

What does a relationship look like after 20 months ?
Well still pretty casual but getting to a more committed phase in my experience
It's ok to share your expectations for the future , which he's taken on board and didn't run away which suggests he has the same goals - but even with similar end goals in mind, there's no rush to get there
Hope that makes sense !
Don't throw it all away for your fears of down the line/ he sounds pretty great

Sorry I keep popping up! Yes you sound fucked up - but guess what - we all are in our own way!
Just don't carry your baggage over into what sounds like a pretty positive new thing with a decent guy - don't sabotage things because you're scared it won't be "forever"
What is forever anyway ?
It sounds like you analyze things on way too much micro detail (probably a hangover from past shit relationship- pls seek counselling it was the best thing I ever did. For the exact same reasons)
It also sounds like you are hanging all your future happiness hopes and dreams on him. Phew that's pressure !
You need to find friends or activities that are for YOU andnot him or even your kids! So you have your own life going on!
All the best x

How about some self help books and kind of do your own therapy? You seem to have been very quick to be able to be self reflective here about stuff like the baby issue and so I think you could manage to do a lot of work via self help books. Even a basic counselling skills book could help you ask the questions of yourself that a counsellor would...and work through them.
A simple exercise is this- what is it you think of yourself- all attributes. What makes you you. Write it down. Now write what do others think or see of you. Who or what are you to others. Now write down who you want to be. What your dreams and hopes for yourself are.

Okay. Now to be as "whole" a person those three areas should ideally be close or similar or even overlapping. The gaps between them are the "issues" you'd look to work on in counselling.

Eg you say you're vulnerable and "needy" but others won't get to see that. They may think independant or secure. And the ideal would be to be less needy and able to be secure but honest if struggling?
So what has made this gap between real you and you that others see? What needs to be worked on to get real you closer to ideal you?

That is a starting point for you... and I am certain you can do a lot to become aware of your issues and find your own answers and solutions.

Fwiw the relationship itself sounds good for you in many ways and once you do some "you" work you will be in a better place to know what it is you want moving forward and how to best make that happen.