Need help making a decision

[Daftasalush]

Hi, I'm a regular but have name changed as I need advice without outing myself.

This is long.

I'm contemplating ending my 10 month relationship but I don't know if I'm being ridiculous and I feel strongly that I may regret it if I do. So, I really need advice please.

Terrible track record of relationships, a longterm abusive one (resulting in my three lovely children), one with a narcissistic man who turned out to be married, and a couple of short term disastrous relationships which ended because they were simply twats! (Children was never introduce to a new man)

I took time out to be on my own and focused on my kids and work. I finally took the plunge again and met current boyfriend. He is without doubt a wonderful man. I've never experienced a relationship like it. I want it to work and believe him when he says he loves me.

However, when we met, I was really upfront about my expectations. I'm 35 - I don't want to mess about. I told him I was looking for longterm with the possibility of marriage and another baby down the line. I wasn't trying to scare him off. I know nothing is guaranteed and I certainly wouldn't contemplate those things so early on in a relationship, but that was my life plan. In turn, he was honest and said he wanted to settle and marry but didn't want another baby (he is full time dad to his son). His reasons were understandable as he had a bad experience with the mother of his son and after a traumatic custody battle he felt scared by it all.

I understood but was honest and said that maybe we shouldn't waste each other's time and fall in love etc as we wanted different things.

After a week of no contact, he asked to meet me and discuss things. Said he would now be open to possibility of a child if things worked out for us. He said he was nervous at the prospect but realises I'm not the same as his ex and that he shouldn't let his experience cloud his judgement. We both discussed how this was all forward thinking but we would now enjoy a relationship and see if it blossoms.

We are both full time parents and work. We live an hours drive meaning we only see each other weekends. We met each other's children around 6 months in. Kids are happy all round and we all get on great together.

Fast forward to now. I'm beginning to feel like weekends are not enough. But I know there is no real solution just yet. My kids are settled here as is his where he lives. We are not even a year in, so it would be madness to move in together just yet anyway. He talks about our future but lately I've got the impression that he is happy how things are.

Examples..

He 'jokes' about getting the whole bed to himself when I leave. But before he'd always say 'I love waking up next to you' etc

He very rarely goes out with his mates, but lately he's been hinting at neglecting them a bit. Genuine question.. How do people in long distance/weekend relationship factor in time for their friends,, as in how regular? I've never sulked about it and vice versa, but I do try and save our weekends for us best I can as it'll be two weeks until we see each other!

He's younger than me. By 6 years. I'm starting to see that although age gap is small, he is at a stage I guess where life is more fancy free (can't really explain what I'm trying to say?!) whereas I'm beginning to crave more structure and be more settled.

The honeymoon period is over as such, although he is still always affectionate, thoughtful and great with the kids. But is it enough? I just don't know. Some weekdays I just want to cuddle up to him on sofa or hug him after a shit day at work etc. But I sit here and wonder if that will ever happen and when!

I'm gutted as we have booked a family holiday to mark our year anniversary. But on reflection, we should have waited to see how things panned out. Kids are looking forward to it and I can't afford to loose what we paid.

I'm scared if I throw it all away, I may never find someone as wonderful as him.

Do you think I'm mentally trying to rush what should be a natural process?

What does a relationship generally 'look' like after 10 months?

Finally.. If I'm in the wrong ..tips welcome on how to put a lid on my emotions and get on with it.

If you got this far.. Thank you!

Hi OP. I know that this is something people say a lot on relationships threads so sorry for being unoriginal but I trhink you'd benefit from some therapy/counselling.
It sounds as though you have a lot of bottled up emotions and vulnerabilities which you would benefit from exploring in a safe, supportive environment.
I don't think this is about your relationship per se at all. I think it's about the feelings you've accumulated over a couple of decades which you could do with unpicking.

The reason I am focusing on the friend thing is because I don't think it's a rejection of you, and I don't want you to see it in the light of him becoming restless and needing or wanting you less.
Also it seemed clear from your post that you would not take the opportunity to see your friends when he does. It would not be good for either of you if he didn't spend some time with them sometimes

You need to take a deep breath and step back a bit - you are putting a lot of undue pressure on something that's really still quite new. Things may not evolve to the end goal that you want - there are no guarantees and that's a risk, but they might do. That would need to happen naturally over time though and you need to be patient and enjoy the now part of the relationship in the meantime.

Do you think I'm mentally trying to rush what should be a natural process?

if you have been seeing each other every week end, and more recently with kids in tow too, it is already very much "family"

It may have taken its toll, simply. It would on me (hence how my relationships failed) full time parenting and full time work and having to see my DP leaves very little time for friends and activities / sport / passion

Just have one week end apart may just do the trick
He is obviously giving you some hints (bed to himself)

Thank you for all your replies.

I think I'm just emotionally messed up and vulnerable within. I'm good at hiding things and it may not be apparat to those around me.

I'm a thinker. I think too much. Any spare time once the kids are in bed during the week and I literally sit there.. On the sofa thinking. Thinking something bad will happen. I'm way too invested in this relationship working because aside from my kids, he has been the best thing that's ever happened to me. He has made me feel loved, appreciated and funny. We click and we have never argued bar a couple of disagreements. He is gentle and doesn't get angry.. I'm not used to that. I don't want to loose it.

For the past three years, I've noticed traits about me that worry me. Aside from not having the motivation to make friends or invest in the ones I have, I waste stupid amounts if free time in silence. No tv as I can't bare to watch anything that reminds me of my fears or past. I even can't bear to watch happy love stories as I would be comparing mine. So I trawl mums net to find similar stories or just sit there in silence with my negative thoughts.

It's a secret battle. As I say, I'm good at hiding it to the outside world and my kids.

A baby was a big thing for me as I felt robbed of how it 'should be'. But I see that it's a silly reason.

I just think I want security. The honeymoon period is wearing off and we are I guess at the comfortable stage. But I find it hard to adapt to this as I'm used to the constant reassurance and lovely gestures and text messages full of affection. I still get that, but less and slightly different.

I'm fucked up right?

Realistically we could probably afford another child down the line as I'm self employed and work from home.

But I've kind of realised since posting that I'd probably be doing it for the wrong reasons

I know this relationship is quite new. But due to our situations we have settled into a family unit so it's seems very familiar and like we've been together for longer. We are both quite involved in each other's families etc

The problem with reassurance OP that the more you get the more you'll need, I'm an over thinker as well and so can understand where youre coming from if I could offer any suggestion it would be to take a leap of faith and trust how you feel about him and not on whether you want another child or not.

Thank you just another. I know that's what I have to do but it's hard pretending now. I'd live to get counselling but the waiting list is huge.

Is there any books recommended? I'm trying to put into perspective that if I was to end it and meet someone else, the problems will still be there- my problems. I just feel like I may be slowly getting rejected. It's hard

I did read a good book on self esteem, I will try to find it for you.

Totally agree about reassurance never being enough and this is what could ultimately make relationships die because it's a forever uphill climb for the other person.

Learning to absorb yourself in other things would be good. Even if you don't feel like reading a book, go buy 3 books and set yourself a goal to read them. Little goals of new things are easier than big giant goals such as 'find new friends'
Contact any old friends you have. Make arrangements with at least 1 even if it's a play date with kids and coffee.

Get proactive.

You can do this. Get busy with yourself and motivated to want to take some scary steps. I think you did the brave bit in admitting it all

I think you sound pretty normal (but then I'm a thinker who will sit and ruminate too!). It really sounds like you should park the whole new baby thing and enjoy what you have for a while. Look forward to the holiday and then think about everything a month after that (so 3 months from now).

And get yourself something to do with your hands in the evening - knitting, crochet, baking, adult colouring - to help you focus on something other than cyclical thinking.

I think you are doing well to reflect the on how you are feeling.

It might be good for you to do some work on your "inner child" as it seems you might have anxious attachment i.e fear of abandonment.
Don't rush this relationship, you have 3 lovely children, a job, a newish relationship that's is going well, potential of a step child.
Focus on what might be important to you other than a relationship? If the answer is nothing, there in could be your problem.You might need to spend time learning what you like and you might benefit from being a little more selfish.

I think maybe you don't know who you are outside of mother and a partner. Some people don't need lots of friends but they do need interests. They are the structure you can go to when you feel a bit lost or anxious. I am a film maniac, I love to lose myself in them, most genres as well. I always know there will be a new film I haven't seen to get excited about, or an old favourite to watch if I need comfort. I enjoy consuming them and thinking about them, laughing or crying at them. If you have little interests outside of kids and partner then you are losing who you as a person is

I know how you feel OP! I have a new relationship of 7 months. I am completely head over heels and so is he. I have never met a man like him and didn't think they actually existed!
I have been married before and been single for a very long time on my own and inside, tbh, I am desperate to move things forward. He lives over an hour away and I see him once in the week and stay the weekend. He and my daughter get on very well (I have known him well for 3 years so she already knew him) and I know he is the one. He wants his future with me, we know we want to be married etc.

BUT!!!

I know it is far, FAR too soon to be thinking of moving things along. If I was on my own I would no doubt already be moved in and married (did that the first time and it didn't end well!) but I'm not on my own. Taking things slowly can feel unsettling and not particularly 'safe' but it needs to be done.

Do you not find parts of this exciting? I don't live with DP and thank holy crap we don't a lot of the time, our honeymoon period will last longer this way. Never have to do each other's laundry, he doesn't see me in my most disgusting PJ's, we look forward to when we do see each other and get to have awesome tension built sex.
Once you live together I think you need to be prepared that things can change in that respect and daily life becomes bigger than this idealistic romance. You will still cuddle but also doing the food shopping together.

Thank you so much for your all your responses. I can't tell you how much more uplifted I feel already. Because I hide my anxiety and worry, I have no one to talk it through with. I feel heaps better just writing it down and getting advice.

I've really thought hard about my motives behind wanting another child. And it's pretty shabby! Thinking at it from a different angle, I'm able to recognise my downfall.

I'm not silly enough to think I'm cured! But I'm feeling ready to force myself to make changes. I do need to embrace what I have and not what I think I deserve.

My boyfriend phoned me as usual today. After our call he sent me a lovely text saying that's the happiest I've sounded in weeks and that he is so excited to see me Friday. Kind of made me realise that my mood must of been rubbing off on him.

I do need to find interests. It won't be easy but I'm going to set my self small challenges.

I'm so grateful for advice. Thank you

You do deserve good things, don't let go of that. Ultimately you deserve to be loved and respected, it's just that you might need to accept that in a different shape than what you have had fixed in your mind. He is offering you something lovely.

Small challenges are by far the easiest way to try new things and challenge yourself. I'm really glad you feel uplifted. It will be hard but I always say it can't be harder than feeling the way you do now.

opel The sex is very awesome and worth waiting for! Yes there are things that are wonderful about it too. That lovely feeling of knowing you are seeing them in x amount of hours! And just missing them like mad. It is good and I think it is important to appreciate what it does give us too, you are right there.

Sadly for me, I can't say there is ever a build on sexual tension.

First few months..lots of sexy texts and teasing. Now nothing! He still complimentsome me etc. But there's never any building up. Yes, I have discussed with him. He says he gets conscious sending those types of messages and if we do it all the time we will have nothing to look forward to anyway😏. I don't understand how he can go from being enthusiastic and instigating it a lot of the time, to nothing.

Dwelling again! Arghhhhh

Have you tried instigating? Sex texting isn't our thing either, we have had to kind of build up to it, both shy and a little self conscious and it's never anything very smutty but recently I decided to ramp the whole thing up and I think he's been waiting for the signal from me that it's ok, and I like it. It's not all the time or anything but I like to tease him a bit and I get a good response!

Hi Opel. I always initiate now. He will reply but brief (and polite) then change subject. It's the fact he used to do it and enjoy it -now not. I find it strange.

How have you ramped it up if you don't mind me asking?

I just send texts like the below: BUT timing of texts is crucial. There is no way I will get a good response from these when he is at work. He's in an office and it would just make him feel awkward.

Examples:
I'm in the bath...
I like it when we did XYZ the other night (and other reminders of things we did)
How about next time I see you I/we do...(insert example)
I might go underwear shopping, any special requests?

I can't make promises, they seem to work for my DP! We had a slow burn sex life over the past year that kind of peaks and flows it's not like that all the time.

I also make him dinner or suggest fun, relaxing things to do when we see each other.

Really helpful! Thanks.

How long have you and your oh been together?