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Original poster

Valentines, do I, I don't?

30 replies

HarmlessChap · 13/02/2017 10:33

As I've mentioned ad nauseam on here that DW & I are working on our relationship, trying to get some intimacy back into what has become a platonic relationship.

She doesn't believe in Valentines day, a waste of money..... I agree to an extent but AFAIC a couple of quid on a card isn't the same as a grand gesture.

For years I gave a card but didn't expect one in return, she would get annoyed as she hadn't bought one and said I was just doing it to make her feel guilty, so I stopped.

This year I've bought one again as we are trying to go back to basics to re-build things and I want to send her one, but by the same token I don't want it to be seen as point scoring so now I'm in 2 minds as to whether to give it to her tomorrow or not.

Any pearls of wisdom?

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 13/02/2017 10:36

I wouldn't as she doesn't like it. Valentine's day isnt for everyone.

Do you listen to her about the other things she doesn't like?

I mean, would you give her a drink after she's said she's not thirsty?

TheSnowFairy · 13/02/2017 10:38

Just give it to her.

DH thinks it's a money spinning con. I am still buying him one!

AristotlesTrousers · 13/02/2017 10:54

Hmm, I think if DW doesn't do Valentine's Day then I think you need to respect that - I'm not keen on it myself, too commercial, too cliched etc etc. However, could you do something like an un-Valentines Day on a different day that had some meaning to you both? Or even a completely random day. Then you get to 'unofficially' romantic, and she doesn't feel guilty that she hasn't reciprocated and you haven't spent money on commercial stuff.

PaintingOwls · 13/02/2017 10:59

You could do a twist on the traditional. DP is allergic to flowers so one year he got me a bouquet of my favourite fruit. Could you do something like that? A bouquet of vouchers, real and your own, e.g. a facial at the local beauty salon, a meal out at her favourite restaurant, get creative - you could write them on different coloured card that you've cut out into flower shapes and that could be her bouquet of flowers. Think outside the box!

I'm not convinced that giving her a card is a good idea if she gets annoyed and has told you multiple times that she doesn't want it. I would certainly not be impressed if my DP did something I strongly disliked. Plus a card is a bit wet and half arsed, especially if that is all that you're giving.

Blobby10 · 13/02/2017 11:00

I wouldn't give her the card but maybe something that isn't flowers or chocolates or cheesy(!) and say its because you are going back to basics and want her to know how much she means to you. x

BlueNeighbourhood · 13/02/2017 11:01

I wouldn't do the card as it just implies you really don't listen to what she does and doesn't like. That doesn't mean you can't do something else for Valentine's Day.

If my DP had explicitly told me she hates Valentine's Day and not to do cards, I'd probably try to get out of work a couple of hours early, get home and cook a lovely dinner and run her a bubble bath with candles for when she walks in the door after she's finished work. It's a nice thing to do, and a lot more effort than a card that hopefully she would enjoy.

LosingDory · 13/02/2017 11:07

In her shoes I would see it as a passive aggressive gesture....that you've not listened to what she wants and done what you want regardless

TheNaze73 · 13/02/2017 11:13

Tough one, been in that situation before. Don't do this, don't buy me a present etc, so you don't & then get moaned at. Whatever you do will be wrong Wink

Original poster
HarmlessChap · 13/02/2017 12:07

Yes given that we are supposed to be making an effort then she may be expecting one given that I used to.

I think I'll hold it in reserve just in case she's got me one. While initiating affection, romance, sex etc was always my responsibility I've asked her to make an effort in that respect as its me who is unhappy with us just being platonic, and she has been, so I guess there is a chance that she will have got me a card.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 13/02/2017 12:17

Or why don't you get her something that she loves or could really do with? Something thoughtful that proves you are aware of her and love her means a lot more than a card. Or give her a letter instead. If you love and value her then write her a letter telling her.

Foxysoxy01 · 13/02/2017 13:03

I would get her a gift and explain that you understand she doesn't really like Valentine's Day but you wanted to show her you love and appreciate her and that you thought it fitting to get something as you are both trying to make more of an effort.

Original poster
HarmlessChap · 13/02/2017 13:22

A gift would be the worse than a card, TBH, but I like the idea of a letter.

OP posts:
MaryAll · 13/02/2017 13:32

Does it have to be anything, if she has clearly state she doesn't like the idea of the day, especially receiving stuff? I say, give her attention and attitude, not things!

Teaandadunk · 13/02/2017 15:18

The letter is a great idea because it is personal and not commercial. She is lucky that you are putting so much thought into this so if you now do nothing that is wasted. Write how you feel on some really nice paper. Who wouldn't like that?

Cricrichan · 14/02/2017 18:00

What did you do op?

Original poster
HarmlessChap · 14/02/2017 18:10

What did you do op?
I took some inspiration from posts but did something different. Something small but sincere which she found romantic, I'll not say what as she's told friends so it could be a little identifying.

OP posts:
arsenaltilidie · 14/02/2017 18:31

You sound like it's you that would like a Valentine's Day card. Have you tried communicating that to your dw?
I mean your DW knows you'd like that sort of thing then frankly she should be making an effort too.

Im indifferent to Valentine's Day, but I know my wife likes it so I make sure we do something she would like because 14th of March is round the corner.

Original poster
HarmlessChap · 14/02/2017 18:37

She said she was meaning to get me a card but had a busy weekend so forgot.

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 14/02/2017 22:55

Does she do anything else to make you feel special in general. For example cook a nice meal as a treat?

I'd personally prefer unexpected treats and signs of affection rather than a card once a year.

Original poster
HarmlessChap · 15/02/2017 00:51

Does she do anything else to make you feel special in general.
No, as I said at the start we have problems. We're trying to go back to basics trying to rebuild affection and intimacy in our relationship.

She has a problem with showing or receiving affection/intimacy. It has, to an extent, always been there but has been getting progressively worse since kids came along, they are teenagers now, and the last 5 years have been a platonic relationship, we are however good friends we're just not lovers.

She says she loves me, when I ask or we discuss things, and says she still finds me attractive but her actions and words don't convey that message to me. Ultimately she knows that I deeply want things to get back to what they once were and she tells me that she doesn't want me to leave but once the kids have both gone to Uni (2020), if things are no different, there won't be a lot keeping us together.

I'm determined to give it my best shot, I'm by no means perfect, we both have to work on this, however I'm not prepared to live out the last 30 odd years of my life feeling as rejected and unhappy as I have during the last 5 years.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 15/02/2017 01:10

I always think that a spontaneous card or bunch of flowers on any other day is a million times more romantic and thoughtful than one on a day that everyone else is banging on about valentines. And I can't think of a worse day to go out for a meal. Surprise her next week when valentines has all blown over - buy her flowers then instead.

Original poster
HarmlessChap · 15/02/2017 01:13

I make sure we do something she would like because 14th of March is round the corner.

Missed the reference earlier, in answer to that I'm chef it pains me to cook steak how she has it, as in very well done. I have mine rare-medium rare and she refuses to believe its cooked at that point, so I cook my own steaks. As for the other part, well that's never been a thing in the marriage but my flexibility does not allow me to deal with that bit too Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
HarmlessChap · 15/02/2017 02:06

Surprise her next week when valentines has all blown over - buy her flowers then instead.

We do have a date night booked very soon.

As for other romantic gesture I can't do chocolates as she is trying to lose weight. The last couple of times I've bought her flowers she's acted delighted but then left them in the cellophane on the side instead of putting them in a vase and they've just withered away in a few days. Unfortunately that's ended up with me in a strop chucking them in the bin, because they've died. I don't think she means anything by it but at the time I take it as symbolism of our relationship......

She doesn't like surprises so I can't book a table at a restaurant without telling her let alone wish her away for a weekend break, but I knew that from the start.

Its a tricky balancing act!

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 15/02/2017 10:59

Reading between the lines it sounds like you would like her to change a lot. While it sounds like she is showing you who she is (definitely not showing signs of making more effort).

Do you want us to tell you to give up?

Original poster
HarmlessChap · 15/02/2017 11:56

Reading between the lines it sounds like you would like her to change a lot. While it sounds like she is showing you who she is (definitely not showing signs of making more effort).
Yes I want there to be a significant amount of change and I've had to change too but I would like her to be much more like the woman I married, not physically of course.

There are background issues, I suspect that much of her difficulty with affection stems from an emotionally neglectful childhood relationship with her mother, however we managed to work with it when we were 1st married. She had counselling regarding it when she developed severe PND but found it too difficult to continue with and refuses to consider having more now.

Over the years it became a viscous circle. When she had the PND she shut me out, although I tried to be supportive I didn't cope well. It was like living with an automaton, home no longer felt a safe, secure and good place to be and I dreaded coming home. I became moody and quick tempered, so she shut me out more and I became more moody and quick tempered. I've worked hard to address my moods and have them had them under control for several years now. In hindsight I should have had some counselling myself when she had hers, if there had been any available.

Whether there is any getting back from what we have become I don't know but I do love her and want to give this every chance to succeed.

Do you want us to tell you to give up?
No I've been to hell and back over the last couple of years and am resigned to the fact that the odds of failure are probably higher than the odds of success, I've an end date to give up by if things can't be at a point that I'm happy with by then.

I am putting my own wants and needs first, if our efforts fail then she tells me she will be devastated but I don't see that I should suck it up and live an unhappy life simply to avoid upsetting her.

OP posts: