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Original poster

How to show your wobbly bits with confidence when you are newly dating?

65 replies

welshcakesareyummy · 12/02/2017 21:33

I have recently started dating again after a small stint at it after my divorce.
This time I feel ready to, hopefully meet someone. My confidence has grown since chatting on here and going on a few dates. I can actually meet for coffee without hyperventilating.
I know it's early days but I am really thinking about backing out again. The reason being....my body. I am a shapely size 14 and in clothes I feel rather confident. I get complimented on how I look quite often which is lovely. I know how to dress for my shape, I suppose. I try my best to look nice. With no clothes on I'm wobbly, my boobs are saggy, I have stretch marks and a jelly belly. I'm not over exaggerating here. I know all women have something they're not happy with but honest I'm actually quite ugly looking naked.
I know men like confidence and I do try. One day I'm going to have to be naked or dress and undress, holidays on the beach. It all fills me with dred.

OP posts:
Littleballerina · 13/02/2017 04:37

You buy some killer underwear and you embrace your body, every inch.
I was terrified the first time someone other than my exh saw me naked but he now says that he had no idea. He found my confidence attractive.
I learnt to love my body again.

SorrelSoup · 13/02/2017 05:07

I think the thing is that if you meet a man who is negative about you, you end it. You put it down to.him being a dick and you don't internalise it. Of course the dicks are out there. My friend, post divorce, was seeing a man, he said, "look at your stomach! Why on earth does it look like that??" She answered, "I've had 4 kids!", he said, "well other women who've had children manage not to have stomachs like that!" And , "your books are too big, I like small boobs". I mean, what's she supposed to do?? Clearly the problem was him, and he was critical of her before they went to bed, but she stayed with him for years hating her body. He had ed so couldn't really perform anyway. Don't be like her!

user87654321 · 13/02/2017 06:06

Ahh, sorrelsoup, it sounds like he was deflecting, do you think? What an arse.

Welsh, as posters before me have stated, I think at the point of sex, when everything is heightened, it won't matter an iota what lurks beneath? I've been dating someone for four months & he hasn't seen me fully naked.

tralaaa · 13/02/2017 06:49

Someone once told me and it stayed with me when a man takes off your size 18 dress he won't be expecting a size 8 body unless he's stupid!

Steve1970 · 13/02/2017 07:00

If you are timid about yourself and how you look thats a big turn off it really doesnt matter what you look like to be honest . If you cant feel sexy about yourself how can you expect anybody else to feel sexy about you? Its confidence, men would prefer a confident woman who feels sexy about herself regardless of any body imperfections. Unleash your inner sexy goddess and throw your inhibitions out of the window.

Crumbs1 · 13/02/2017 07:07

The thing is probably to,wait until you know the man won't care and that he loves all of you.
My wise mother wants told me that by the time men have managed to get inside your underwear they are so excited and so grateful they would have sex with a rhinoceros- not that at a perfectly reasonable size 14 you are anything approaching a rhinoceros! Tone up,a bit with exercise before the time arrives. Treat yourself to nice undies. I'm bigger than you but beyond point where I worry about wobbly bits on beaches and think if someone doesn't like the look of me in my swimming costume they can look away. My husband made my wobbly bits by getting me pregnant so often so can hardly complain. He is probably less secure in his advancing age related droopy wobbly bits than me.

LosingDory · 13/02/2017 07:17

The guy I'm dating is just grateful that I'm willing to get naked with him. He says I'm beautiful (i don't believe him) and he genuinely doesn't care what I look like and that gives me confidence. He also has bits he hates about his body and he always dims the lights but honestly he's the most caring person I've ever been with, so if I had a problem with the way he looked that would make me incredibly shallow. Just relax and enjoy the moment. Most men are expecting the wobbly bits and embrace them. Even my shit lovers haven't said anything bad about my body

BartholinsSister · 13/02/2017 08:32

Chances are he'll be worrying about his own wobbly bits.

fishfingersandwich85 · 13/02/2017 08:52

I was in the same situation (size 14, had a child, got boobs, thighs and tummy far from ideal) and was bricking it about getting naked in front of my new partner. He was lovely about my body, says he loves every bit about me and also has his own insecurities about his body. As I don't see any imperfections in his body, I can only assume he means it and feels the same!! Stbxh is a different kettle of fish altogether......
I suppose I am trying to say you may be pleasantly surprised

user1478860582 · 13/02/2017 09:01

From a male perspective......when it gets to that point a man is more worried that his willy isn't big enough, his six pack is now a Party 7 keg and that his scrotum is now saggier a deflated hot air balloon.

Why do you think we all dash to get under the duvet so quickly?

ravenmum · 13/02/2017 09:19

When you get to the bedroom, suddenly press him up against the wall before he gets a good look and start ravishing him Grin.

Seriously, though, he's likely to have plenty of hangups. Will he be able to get it up? Have you seen his bald patch? Double chin? Spots on his back? Does his breath smell? And how do you react if you notice he's a bit worried? You chuckle inwardly and are pleased that he is just as nervous as you are.

Catherinebee85 · 13/02/2017 09:26

I think you're over thinking it. I've lost 7st and as a result am saggy. I'm only 31 but my boobs are like deflated balloons. They used to be my best feature when I was much bigger.

I've had a few boyfriends since losing the weight and no complaints and nobody turned off. It's not often that you'd be in a position where a man would be looking at your full length naked body, it's all about how it feels rather than how it looks in my experience and a soft curvy body is a lovely thing.

If you are with someone you trust (and you should be if youre going to have sex with them) you could just mention that you've lost confidence since losing weight and that things aren't as pert anymore!

WhoeverUWantMeToBe · 13/02/2017 13:09

Hi OP. I recommend looking at an Instagram account called 'bodiposipanda' (you don't need Instagram to view the account - if you don't use Instagram yourself, just Google the words 'instagram' and 'bodiposipanda' and it will come up.)

The girl who runs the account is a recovered anorexia sufferer, who promotes the visibility of 'imperfect' bodies - cellulite, belly rolls, jiggle - to balance out the skewed view of ourselves we develop from being constantly surrounded by images of airbrushed models.

I found seeing images of other women with cellulite and jiggle very helpful in becoming comfortable with the fact that I've always had those things and always will. My lovely DP who inexplicably finds me super sexy also helps!

The men you will be sleeping with will have spent their lives sleeping with ordinary, non-airbrushed, jiggly women. Remember that.
Have a look at that Instagram account. It's amazing.
And finally, small tips - underwear you feel sexy in helps confidence. I always feel extra confident after using lush products (Buffy is my to-do) to make my skin silky smooth and smelling delicious on date nights. Soft lighting is VERY flattering - I feel 100% more confident in my favourite underwear in soft lighting than on the beach in the cold light of day! There are little things you can do to boost your confidence, especially when it's early days. But I really think the most important thing is to look at photo after photo of other women's ordinary bodies and realise most of us are pretty imperfect and it doesn't stop us being wanted and loved and having a fantastic sex life.

noego · 13/02/2017 13:57

Are you planning on getting it on with some young perfectly shaped stud then?

Men have wobbly bits to you know, starting at the neck and going south :)

AuntNancy · 13/02/2017 14:01

WhoeverUWantMeToBe what a fantastic post Star

wheatchief · 13/02/2017 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Minime85 · 13/02/2017 16:38

I once read a reply to something similar on mumsnet that was something like

A naked woman wanting to have sex with you, no thanks said no man ever.

We all have wobbly bits in the real world and whilst I'm with you on how it makes you feel I just get lost in the sex. When it happens, go for it and enjoy

Original poster
welshcakesareyummy · 13/02/2017 19:43

Wow! Just read all these posts. Thankyou Smile
Definitely never thought about how men feel and been focusing so much on my insecurities, not thinking about how they well have them too.
Definitely will invest in great underwear too.
Started my workout dvd so feeling more positive today. Thanks to all of your positive and helpful advice. It has honestly made me feel less alone.
I hope when it comes to it I will feel confident!

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 13/02/2017 19:45

Crumbs i dont know how much weight OP has lost but im also a size 14 down from a 28 and you cant tone up loose skin. Which is what my wobbly tummy consists of. Its not hanging or anything just wobbly But its loose skin and only surgery can correct it As i have been told by doctors in the past.

Original poster
welshcakesareyummy · 13/02/2017 20:15

Ps I'm having trouble finding that account on Instagram

OP posts:
Trills · 13/02/2017 20:19

Caitlin Moran once said that the only people who would ever be seeing her naked boobs would be approaching them in an attitude of gratefulness - hungry children and men who were about to get laid.

Chocolatefudgecake100 · 13/02/2017 21:17

Just letting u know i struggle too

WhoeverUWantMeToBe · 13/02/2017 23:42

Entirely my bad - it's bodYposipanda - please let me know if you find it. I honestly find it so healing and strongly recommend it.

I don't always feel good about my body, but I've definitely stopped beating myself up constantly about having a bit of jiggle and squish! And accounts like that one have really helped the process.

Original poster
welshcakesareyummy · 14/02/2017 08:52

Thankyou for all your support everyone.
whoever - yes I will let you know. I will look later when I'm home from work Smile

OP posts:
Aussiemum78 · 14/02/2017 08:59

Let me just tell you - there was nothing my ex didn't say about my body. He criticised my weight, saggy boobs, hairy legs...and use your imagination what else he said about my body after childbirth.

My first sexual partner after him, I had no confidence, but he's actually a trusted friend and helped me regain my confidence. I've been with 4 others since and I'm getting more confident all the time. Not one cared about my belly - they were all too busy telling me I've got great boobs, and legs or that my confidence is a turn on.

It's hard at first, it gets easier. I'm having the time of my life now. But if you can start with a friend it might help.