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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm fed up with DH niggling comments but is it abuse?

34 replies

FabulousUsername · 12/02/2017 13:26

DH is in a bad mood because he is aching. This (the aching) has been going on for a long time with no real cure found so far. This morning he has clearly been 'off' with me. There is an atmosphere but aside from that he asked me to find his phone for him (because he was aching) which took ages to find, then proceeded to ask me to bring him more things (toast, coffee, tv remote)-- some of which I would have done anyway but I felt he made a point of not thanking me.

DD (uni age) is visiting for the weekend and were excitedly talking about going for a walk and perhaps a pub lunch afterwards. He said with an exaggerated sigh 'no one ever asks what I want to do'... I said we knew he'd like a pub lunch with local friends and if he didn't want to do a long walk we could change plans. Turns out he wants to do something different which would involve sitting all day which is not what we want to do. I'm not sure if there is room for compromise but he seems determined to ruin my plans.

He snapped at me a few times for other reasons. He said something about the jumper I was wearing, like a sarcastic 'is that jumper permanently on' when I'm wearing it because it's my around the house jumper, but a very nice one, fair isle pattern, thick and woolly (and I might add, from an expensive shop). I got defensive ( like I just did in that sentence!) and he says he didn't like the fact I fell asleep in it last night.

I confronted him when we were alone and asked him why he was behaving like that and he said that he was upset that I (I'll paraphrase) wasn't trying hard enough to make him happy. I.e., bringing him a cup of coffee in the morning wasn't me being nice, it was that I'd be making coffee 'for myself' and he was an afterthought. A few other things came out but my blood was boiling by this point. He's on a new pain medication and I had googled it to read the side effects, he got furious with me and said his illness (or not, no real diagnosis) and medication was none of my business. I'd secretly hoped that 'behaving like a total arse' would be a side effect but it's not.

He's behaved like this in the past but I thought it was getting better. Would it be a good idea to call the GP and say I was concerned about his mental state? Or is he just being an abusive arsehole? I feel like 'outing' him on this behaviour. But it might be that I should try harder...I really don't want to!

OP posts:
Maverickismywingman · 12/02/2017 13:29

So you're supposed to go out of your way to keep him happy. Is he also doing the same for you?

TurnipCake · 12/02/2017 13:30

Oh God OP, just reading this made my heart sink, he is a joy-sucker, I work with one of these people, and I have to leave the room whenever she comes in, because there is always a miserly comment.

Original poster
FabulousUsername · 12/02/2017 13:34

Joy sucker is exactly it. We're leaving him on the sofa now and going out. I'll see what he's like when I get back!

OP posts:
SparklingRaspberry · 12/02/2017 13:34

I wouldn't call it abuse just him being a dickhead.

I feel 'abuse' gets thrown around too quickly sometimes.

Just tell him what you think of his recent attitude?

If you feel he's taking advantage of you ferrying around after him whilst he's ill and not thanking you then why don't you just speak to him? A simple "thank you would be nice" would do it. And if he still doesn't, then stop doing things for him.

If he doesn't want to have pub lunch and a walk then go without him.

Just ask him outright what his problem is Confused

Maverickismywingman · 12/02/2017 13:37

He needs to take responsibility for his pain. So whether that means he perseveres with going to doctors and trying new medication, then that is up to him. However!
That does not give him a free pass to complain about how you spend your time.
Does not give him a free pass to be waited on hand and foot.
Does not give him a free pass to dictate plans.
Does not give him a free pass to be ungrateful for what you do.

If I were you, OP, I'd go out with DD all day and leave him to it.

Fighterofthenightman · 12/02/2017 13:39

No I wouldn't say it was abusive but you both sound unhappy.

flowersandfoxes · 12/02/2017 13:40

No, not abuse.

Sounds like he is in pain and is lashing out. I am guilty of the same when in pain, taking my frustration out on my husband.

ImperialBlether · 12/02/2017 13:44

It sounds far more like an arse than in pain. All that long-suffering sighing and moaning about what jumper you're wearing, ffs. Who could be bothered with that?

What's he like with your daughter? Was there any sense of relief (for her) when she left home?

Spacecadet14 · 12/02/2017 13:46

This might sound a bit barmy, but has he had his Vitamin D level checked? Chronic deficiency can cause constant flu-like aching and it's also linked to depression, dementia and a whole of other illnesses. I was suffering in the same way with pain and behaved towards my poor DP in the same way your DH is behaving towards you before I was diagnosed. I was truly horrible to live with!

picklemepopcorn · 12/02/2017 13:50

Chronic pain is awful. It is depressing, as well as simply unpleasant. Does he pick up that you are not sure he is genuinely ill? Even if his pain has no physical cause, it is still painful, IYSWIM.

One medication makes my son really really bad tempered. The side effects list 'disorientation' as a side effect, rather than 'bad temper'!

Chloe84 · 12/02/2017 14:25

Is the aching genuine? Is he off work? Does it really stop him getting himself a cup of tea if he can manage to get out and about?

He should be grateful he has you to take care of him rather than criticising your appearance and ruining your plans.

Joysmum · 12/02/2017 14:41

I'd say to him you'd been thinking about what he said about you doing enough to keep him happy, and before you answer you'd like him to tell you what he does to make you happy.

Huskylover1 · 12/02/2017 15:08

Was he like this before the pain? You really need to get to the bottom of this aching, as it must be awful living like this. I suspect that's why he is miserable (unless he has always been miserable)! If he's always a joy sucker, you don't need to label it as anything. You don't like it, and that is enough reason to not be together.

Thephoneywar · 12/02/2017 15:19

I think you are being unfairly harsh on him. If you were unwell I bet you would expect your DH to make you a cup of tea without being asked or to consider your needs when making plans. You're basically annoyed that he is pointing out that you are not being considerate to him.

perfectlybroken · 12/02/2017 15:19

He's obviously being very annoying, but when you say aching, is it painful? Being in long term pain can have a big impact on personality. I think you need to sit down and have a nice firm 'chat' but take into account the impact of his current illness.

TheNaze73 · 12/02/2017 15:20

It's not abuse, it sounds like two very unhappy people

ToastieRoastie · 12/02/2017 15:21

Sounds like a joy sucker to me, why wouldn't he make the effort to do something your visiting daughter wants to do? He could do his think me t weekend instead.

ToastieRoastie · 12/02/2017 15:21

*Could do his thing next weekend instead

Original poster
FabulousUsername · 13/02/2017 08:31

DD and I went out and had a great day. Came home, made dinner. H was still argumentative and behaving in a selfish, angry way. We tried to just ignore/appease him, but he didn't say a kind word all evening.

I totally believe that he is in pain but this has been going on for 7 years and no real diagnosis. Well, there is a diagnosis but it's not specific to these symptoms. He won't change his diet (he eats a lot of sugar and I think he'd benefit from trying low carb or at least low sugar) because the doctor hasn't told him to, he says. I had a lot of pain in my legs a couple of years ago which I thought was arthritis, and he thought I was being competitive with him when I limped a bit turns out it was related to low thyroid and I'm now on correct medication and feeling great. Point was, I got no sympathy from him but I also did a lot or research and 'took ownership' of the situation, even when I was very low. And he doesn't have much sympathy when I'm ill. I would never ask or expect him to do anything for me he does earn good money which is totally shared so he feels he does his bit. I work full time too but on a lower salary.

He has a close family member who is very ill right now, it started as something non specific but with a lot of tiredness and aching. I'm wondering if DH is going the same way but it seems I can't ask this because of patient confidentiality (it's none of my business evidently). Well, if it is down to a real illness I can plan for it--at the moment he seems to use 'aching' as a get out clause for selfish behaviour.

I wanted to bring it out into the open by suggesting we visit the GP together, I think his response would be telling. But I'm not sure it wouldn't be me wasting their time when I'd just be using them to prove my point (that H shouldn't be taking it out on others).

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 13/02/2017 08:48

My response to his behaviour would be telling him, if he can't be grateful and can't be pleasant to you, he'd best say nothing and I'd carry on with my life.

Fh

It can sometimes be irritating when someone wears an item of clothing you're not keen on very often, but I think his underlying problem is one of negativity and he wants to inflict that negativity on your.

Not abuse, but just ungrateful, mean and unloving behaviour.

Put a stop to it.

Okite · 13/02/2017 09:00

My DH lives with chronic pain and it seems from what you write that you don't really believe your DH suffers as much as he claims to? Is that the case? Do you think he plays it up in order to get more sympathy/things done for him?
My DH has just started on new medication and has been grumpy as hell this weekend, but because he's generally a good man, I'm putting it down to the new meds and a huge amount of pain.

Chloe84 · 13/02/2017 10:49

So you're working full time, doing all the housework and taking care of him, but he treats you like shit and doesn't allow you to be ill?

That's no life. Just because he earns more that doesn't mean he gains a servant.

I couldn't live with him. Could you at least get someone to help with his care and/or housework?

Naicehamshop · 13/02/2017 11:41

He may be in pain, which of course would make anyone feel miserable. He doesn't have to make you suffer as well though, which he is evidently determined to do!

Sit him down, tell him how he is making you feel, and ask him what he is going to about it.

picklemepopcorn · 13/02/2017 13:36

Might be worth quietly explaining to him that pain or no pain, his behaviour is rude and unpleasant and driving you away.

Presumably he contains himself at work then, if he is in a well paid full time job? If he can manage that then he can manage to be nicer to you.

Who has said you are not allowed to know about the diagnosis because of patient confidentiality? Him?

It's sounding as though he's in the habit of feeling entitled.

Original poster
FabulousUsername · 13/02/2017 13:59

I've had several texts this morning apologising. And saying he is really in pain. I do believe him but I don't want this cycle to continue, it's gone on so long-- his default reaction is to blame me, or think because he's hurting he can act like this.

I think I will have to tell him that I need to see that he's making an effort to get some help. It can't be just down to me never knowing what mood he'll be in.

OP posts: