Can you get over an affair?

[airhostess]

Hi, three weeks ago I found out that my partner has had a 10 month affair. I had no idea, none. Such a shock, it's like dealing with a sudden death I imagine. We are going to move forward as a couple. However, the anxiety is overwhelming. I live & breathe it. I think of nothing else.
Will I ever get over it, is there a time frame?

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

This isn't going to work Sweet, for the simple reason, it takes two, you can't do it on your own.
I'm sorry you are in this position, but in your shoes, I'd be looking towards a future, that didn't include him.☹️

[MommieMommyMom]

Wow... I read the rest after I posted.
It's not a 10 month affair.
It's a 10 year affair and I wouldn't believe a damn word that came out of his mouth.
He did not meet this woman twice a month for 10 month purely for coffee and only fall into a hotel bed with her coincidentally the night you found out.
This is clear bullshit probably foggy as you have the feelings clouding your good judgement.

You deserve so so much better.

I would confront her and get her side too.

[BadToTheBone]

We are 9 years post dhs affair. IME yes you can get past it, it takes a lot of work for both of you. I remember the first few months and I was obsessed with it, it consumed my every thought. Dh was 100% dedicated to making it work, he was open and honest and refused to give up on us. Anything less and we'd have failed. We also had counselling.

We've been great for years now and as hard as it is to believe it, I rarely even think of it anymore. We are better now than we were, we know we're strong and we can survive something which breaks so many other marriages up.

[magoria]

Poor bloke. He is yet another one. The one and only time he cheats he gets caught out.

Bull shit.

Sorry OP they all minimise to as little as you can prove. First he wasn't there, then oh yes he was there but alone, then OK there was another woman, someone he met online. Now finally it was someone you knew but only the once.

That is what? 6 or so lies he has told in 2 days?

You can prove he spent this one night with OW so that is all he will tell you.

I don't think you have the full story.

I also think you deserve better.

[MommieMommyMom]

The face he would say he hired a prostitute rather than say he had a one night stand with THIS woman, actually proves that this affair is so so so much more than 'sex' or a 'one night stand'

[Alfiemoon1]

The ring will always remind him of what he's done ? I don't get that sorry. I understand u pushing to get married as a way of him proving his love and commitment to you but I suggest u hold fire for a while as this is still raw and a shock to u. I only have experience of what I call an emotional affair and the texts I saw weren't even sexting although he did start deleting them he claims it was just a friendship but even now months later I find it difficult to move on and trust him and don't know if we will stay together taking it a day at a time and trying to get dd through her GCSEs without to much drama. Maybe sometime apart would help

[WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup]

No, never.

[Teabay]

Be grateful you are not married to him and never had to take his name.
You will be entitled to some financial stuff but I'd recommend seeing a solicitor to find out where you stand BEFORE you make any rash decisions.
Good luck - I think next year you will get Valentine cards from your DC and they will be worth so much more x

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

This is the book that helped me when my exh cheated Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0743225503/ref=cmswwrcppapi_kRdPybZQF88RY

In my case after reading it and realising what I needed to trust him again and sadly he wasn't prepared to be remotely transparent either, I ended things for good.

Well worth reading as it makes you ask those difficult questions.

[AnnieNeedsAMacBook]

Very, very, few people can get over an affair. Even fewer are actually happy.

Given your situation, there's absolutely no way any kind of happiness will follow. He is a nasty prick without any genuine remorse.

Don't put yourself or your DC through 'trying'. Pull up your Big Girl Pants and tell him it's over.

We will be here 💐

[Boolovessulley]

Bloody hell op he sounds entitled.
I'm willing to bet he feels it's his right to shag whoever he feels like.
He is the breadwinner and your job is to look after the kids and take care of him.

I don't see a happy ending for you if you stay.

[user1483387154]

I honestly couldnt get over something like that as I would never be able to trust him again and the doubt, fear etc would eat away at me. However I do know couples who seem to have moved on from an affair.

[cushion53]

Brilliant writing WOD

[rosabug]

All I know is it's hell and I don't know when the tears and anger will disappear. For anyone going through this, like me, I wish you all the love and luck in the world.

[MrsPeelyWaly]

Very, very, few people can get over an affair. Even fewer are actually happy

When I see these threads I always think about a certain poster who holds herself up as some kind of MN poster girl for getting over her husbands affair and getting their marriage back on track. The reality however seems very different to what she'd like her posts to portray. She still seems very angry and she's always ready to pick up on posts that have obviously struck a nerve with her even though she wasn't being addressed. I think she's made such a job out of showing how they've got over it all that she now finds it impossible to say actually I haven't, and want I want out. She's quite literally trapped herself.

[AnnieNeedsAMacBook]

MrsPeelyWaly. Yes, I agree. I know people like this IRL too. They put on a good show in public, but in private are sad, anxious & incredibly unhappy - but too full of misplaced pride, to say 'You know what, this isn't working & I'm done trying'. It's really sad.

I have a couple friends, & family members, who feel 'It's too late' to separate because it happened so long ago. I keep telling them that you don't need 'a reason' - being so unhappy is 'enough' to leave a marriage, but they feel they can't because they said they'd stay. They pretty much on tenterhooks waiting for their partners to massively fuck up again (because the day to day twattish behaviour 'isn't enough') so they can justify leaving. That's incredibly sad too.

[Boolovessulley]

I think you need to do what is best for you op.
You might wish to stay and make it work or you may find it best to leave.

[JonesTheSteam]

I agree with the last poster. Do what is best for you.

I think it's possible. It takes time. Time is a healer is a cliché for a reason.

And a hell of a lot of work from the WS to repair the damage done.

Hope you are OK OP.

[herwegoagain123]

This is possibly a ten year affair. He has been cheating on a regular basis and feels entitled to because he compartmentalised you.
Christ you need to kick him out.

[herwegoagain123]

Do not do pick me dance. Why would you believe his affair is over?

[airhostess]

He looks, seems, acts devestated. Signed half the house over to me at my request.
However, it's the doubt that is destroying me. He tells me I know everything, but then there is the nagging doubt.
I could contact her, or get someone to delve deeper. However, honestly I'm scared to.

[airhostess]

And the outcome would still be the same.

[gingertigercat]

Oh lovely I don't believe his story at all. What would be the chances that you caught them having sex the very first time....after 10 months?!

Yes, I think you can probably recover from an affair, if the cheating partner is completely honest and open about their betrayal and actively goes to show they will do anything to fix it. He has not given you the full story. Have you looked through his phone?

Also, raising his children is not just your responsibility, they are half his too. That attitude in itself would probably be enough for me to consider ending it.

Best of luck