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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you get over an affair?

73 replies

airhostess · 12/02/2017 08:30

Hi, three weeks ago I found out that my partner has had a 10 month affair. I had no idea, none. Such a shock, it's like dealing with a sudden death I imagine. We are going to move forward as a couple. However, the anxiety is overwhelming. I live & breathe it. I think of nothing else.
Will I ever get over it, is there a time frame?

OP posts:
Wingsofdesire · 13/02/2017 18:38

And thank you, guys - glad I made some sense, although also sad we all recognise the same feelings.

LineysRun · 13/02/2017 21:04

Thank you for posting. Makes a lot of sense.

Alfiemoon1 · 13/02/2017 22:04

Not sure I could get over a 10 month affair that is a long time of being lied to Maybe try marriage counselling and individual counselling. I think it will be a long road to trust him again

Alfiemoon1 · 13/02/2017 22:32

Pressed post to soon sorry. Yes i think u need to delve deeper and not take his word for it. What does your dh have to say for himself what is he prepared to do to help u move on ? You seem to be dealing with this very calmly considering u only recently found out and it's been a 10 month affair I presume physical? If u chose to say together and work at it great I hope u can work passes this but don't be a doormat and take this lying down

Tracey300884 · 13/02/2017 22:40

AirHostess Feel free to PM me. I'm in same position x

JK1773 · 13/02/2017 22:47

I could not forgive. I completely respect those who can find a way to move on but I couldn't. I tried for a long time and as far as I know it was only an emotional affair but the trust was gone and although we plodded on for a few years the relationship was dead to me. It didn't help that he never took responsibility for his behaviour or how it made me feel. I caught him messaging her again about 4 years later and I was done at that instant. It still took a while to leave. I think getting over an affair of this length must be so so hard and I hope you find a way

welshdee · 14/02/2017 18:00

Hugs op I think if it's something you both really want you can make it work it takes time & doesn't happen over night. There's no time frame one day you will go from it consuming your every thought to realising that it's No longer constantly on your mind.
Good luck :)
Ex OH cheated on me first time he begged forgiveness & told me everything about OW it hurts but if you know it all ,what's there drag up & throw at them.
We worked on it I never mentioned the OW ever. Of course I knew several years later when he cheated again that I was done didn't want that relationship anymore so no point prolonging the outcome I made him leave.
Best decision I ever made.

Princesspinkgirl · 14/02/2017 18:05

I personally couldn't get over it but everyones different wish you luck either way op

Original poster
airhostess · 14/02/2017 19:35

He told me he was called out for work, which is normal. I took the kids out so he could pack. He kissed us goodbye and drove off about 1pm.
At 11pm that night I hadn't heard from him. I checked his location tracker which he insisted we had and he was a hotel 30 min from us not the 500 miles that I expected.
I rang the hotel asked to be put through to his room and they did. I hung up. It confirmed my worst fear. I rang the hotel again and was put through, the receptionist gave me the room number incase I got cut off. So I sat up all night whilst my 5&2yr old slept.
At 0830 that morning he rang me made the mistake of telling me he was in a different place to where he originally told me he would be. I gave nothing away.
I drive to the hotel, blagged the room key and he'd left. Make up on the bed and towel. Torn up receipts in the bin and a tea bag ( he drinks coffee). I put the recipes in my purse to stick together later. I drove home, he met me at the door and confessed he hired a hotel to drink as he has a drink problem ( he doesn't). Assured me no woman involved, I pushed the make up I saw so he told me he hired a prostitute. 10 min later and eleborate story about nesting a girl from tinder developed. I packed his stuff he left. Two days later he returned to look after the children as in three weeks into a brand new job. I took the lap top and as I left I asked for his phone. He gave it to me. All day nothing. 30 sec from home that night an ex colleague of mine messaged him a ?. I knew then.
That night I asked him about her, he gave NOTHING away, until I said she's messaged you.
Soooooo
He bumped into her on a staff bus, suggested they went for a coffeee and have met on average twice a month for the last 10 months purely for a coffee and that night was the first time they've had sex and dinner. And by the way we also shagged 3 times on a work trip 10 years ago when we were living together.
So that's my shit storm that's landed on my door step x

OP posts:
Original poster
airhostess · 14/02/2017 19:45

I'm devestated. On every level, I am. I love him, I never stopped. We were happy, few arguments in Dec over money but in an amazing place when it began last April/May. He's back here, I'm trying I really am. He's said all the right things blah blah.
I find it difficult though when he said he never felt guilty. He said he was able to seperate his work and home life. It was on a plate for him and he enjoyed the attention and being part of a couple. She was leaving in April so he knew it would end then. It's only stopped as I've found out.
He's changed his passwords for FB and his email since. I haven't questioned why yet. I'm sort of just waiting and watching what he does/says. He's already moaned he's "doing the childcare& paying for everything". He's always had an issue about me not contributing so I got myself a flexible job that's only 4 hour shifts when I choose.

OP posts:
understandnothing · 14/02/2017 19:54

Op, he doesn't sound sorry. He should be bending over backwards to show remorse.
And coffees for ten months...he lying, sorry.

I think he should leave. It is particularly chilling that he feels no guilt. Nasty man.

understandnothing · 14/02/2017 19:55

And I know you are devastated but you deserve better than this. You are worth more.

Original poster
airhostess · 14/02/2017 20:01

He feels guilt now. He says.
He said he felt no guilt until I found out. I find that hard to accept, to the point of have I ever been loved.
He says he made us into a business partnership, he works and I do the children and home.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/02/2017 20:06

You are still with him after that utterly disgusting behaviour and not a shred of remorse from him ?

No man is worth that

category12 · 14/02/2017 20:08

That's not guilt he feels, it's feeling bad about getting caught.

Nanna50 · 14/02/2017 20:12

So he treats your marriage like a business arrangement? Of all of the couples I know had affairs two are still together many years later but their marriages have problems which stem from the original deceit and betrayal. Some ended the relationship straight away, the rest tried to make it work but two or three years down the line the women admitted they could not forgive and ended the marriage.

Original poster
airhostess · 14/02/2017 20:13

I've pushed him for marriage, he says we can't afford to amd doesn't want to delay a potential house move to remortgage for a year. Plus the ring will always remind him of what he's done, that was the catalyst in us getting married. Even I recognise getting married would be a huge mistake but I think deep down I wanted him to say "yes, let's do it" Not the sensible side blah blah

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 14/02/2017 20:13

I don't know any couples who have recovered and made a happy marriage Sad

category12 · 14/02/2017 20:27

God I feel sad for you. The ring will always remind him. Aww poor him. What a fucker.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2017 20:30

This man sounds like a cunt

A ring would remind him of what he has done ? I am speechless.

Original poster
airhostess · 14/02/2017 20:34

Thing is I thought I had it all. In fact nothing apart from my children is potentially true.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/02/2017 20:37

Lovey, take your children (metaphorically) and end this with your self respect still intact.

deadringer · 14/02/2017 20:42

I don't have experience of this but i would not forgive an affair under any circumstances. A one night stand maybe, i am not sure, but a ten month affair no way.

conscientioussuicidee · 14/02/2017 20:44

Do you really want the basis of your marriage to be his affair ? Your ring will also remind you of what he's done.

MommieMommyMom · 14/02/2017 20:44

A one night stand? Possibly. I'd be very very angry, but I could possibly forgive. Easy for me to say answer because I haven't been there.

But 10 months? 10 months is too much. A dirty one night stand is one thing... an actual relationship is something else.
No. Definitely not .

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