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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Issues with bil bad ill mil

35 replies

NeedSomeEnergy · 11/02/2017 23:37

May Be long, but after reading many relationship problems on here I think my bil and sil are being rather underhand to my daughter because my husband is having problems dealing with his mums dementia and doesn't visit as much as his brother. It was may daughters birthday last month and nothing was given from grandma although Bil always sorts this for others in the family as he has power of attorney. It just feels like he is lording the power that as my dh is struggling with mil illness and yes probably not visiting as much as he could but still helping where he can, that his brother is punishing our daughter for it. (Not it's not about gifts but she didn't even get a card) I may be wrong but this isn't the first instant but this really brought it to light. I know this an issue for my husband to deal with with his brother but I feel sad that our daughter is paying for it if you see what I mean. Any advice I would be grateful.

OP posts:

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 11/02/2017 23:43

Is there any chance it's just been overlooked unintentionally. He probably has a lot to take care of.

GinIsIn · 11/02/2017 23:44

I think you have a DH problem not a BIL problem. As hard as it may be for your DH, it seems like he's leaving the lionshare to BIL and BIL is struggling under the pressure. No, it's not the right way for him to go about letting you know, but he must be feeling very frazzled and stressed - caring for someone with dementia is incredibly draining.

Original poster

NeedSomeEnergy · 11/02/2017 23:48

Yea possible but they did send card themselves, and mil in care at the moment so not so much to do as he used to, (not saying there is not much to take care of) I don't know you may be right it just seems sad as they remembered to send a card themselves.

OP posts:

GinIsIn · 11/02/2017 23:51

So it's not even like he forgot, he sent you a card from him, just forgot to write a fake one on behalf of someone who can't send one anyway?

Then in that case you really are blowing it out of all proportion.

Original poster

NeedSomeEnergy · 11/02/2017 23:52

Yea I do get that as does dh, he knows he needs to do more but just really hasn't come to terms yet. I do try to get him to be more involved, but I just don't think daughter should suffer for it. The boys need to talk but neither are great at saying what needs/want to say, you know?

OP posts:

Original poster

NeedSomeEnergy · 11/02/2017 23:54

She can still remember all the kids and things but needs held sorting cars and things, yea I am probably blowing out of proportion, just feel little sad for her, thanks all for the opinions

OP posts:

GinIsIn · 11/02/2017 23:55

I think until your DH can shoulder some of the responsibility you really do have to give your BIL the benefit of the doubt here. Dementia is a progressive illness - she's going to get worse so ypur DH really does need to try and be more involved.

Atenco · 11/02/2017 23:57

I agree with FenellaMaxwellsPony

I really cannot believe you think your dd is suffering because she didn't get a fake card from her gm.

Original poster

NeedSomeEnergy · 12/02/2017 00:13

Ok suffering is wrong choice of words but because bil has issues, rather than speaking to dh our daughter thinks grandma had forgotten her birthday. I know dh needs to accept and step up but it's not our daughters fault.

OP posts:

Alpies · 12/02/2017 00:41

Why doesn't ur husband buy a card and give it to DD and pretends it from MIL? Y does it have to come from MIL?

Ur daughter won't know any different. Y is the onus on BiL? Surely he has enough on his hands esp if DH isn't very involved or helping much with MIL.

Frankly I think u r being terribly unreasonable.

GinIsIn · 12/02/2017 00:43

No, it's not your daughter's fault, it's your DH's. he needs to step up and help out, rather than expect your BIL to do everything whilst he indulges in 'coming to terms'. Dementia is hard and horrible but it's not going to go away, so your DH had to face it, and perhaps if he took more responsibility then BIL would have more time for other things like this.

I say this as kindly as I can, from someone who has a relative with a long background of dementia - you may also want to consider that she isn't going to get better so it might be kinder to perhaps start explaining to your DD that granny isn't well and can't always remember things like birthdays, rather than expect your BIL to send fake cards like the tooth fairy or Easter Bunny when he has everything else to deal with. It isn't really a fair expectation on him, especially when your DH isn't helping.

user1484226561 · 12/02/2017 00:44

Why so much upset about a present, even more why??? about a card - personally i hate the things, pointless expensive waste. I can't understand anyone ever getting upset about not getting one!

gingerpusscat · 12/02/2017 00:59

Why is it bil's responsibility to send a card from your DH's incapacitated mother to your DH's daughter? Why is your husband immune from this responsibility? I really think your expectations of your bil are grossly unfair.

SandyY2K · 12/02/2017 01:26

If your DD is old enough to notice she hasn't got a card from her Granny, then she's old enough to know that granny isn't well. Using words like 'punishing' her and she's 'paying the price' just appear selfish on your part.

Your BIL visits a lot and is shouldering the responsibility, while your DH is still coming to terms with it.

I think you need to put things in perspective and get your DH to step up.

Isetan · 12/02/2017 04:46

Here we go, another 'it isn't about the absence of a present but it really is' threads.

Nice to see that you have your priorities in order, I've read some self absorbed posts on MN but you bleating about not getting a present from your BIL on behalf of his dementia suffering mother, takes the biscuit. How about you and your H take some responsibility and either get a card on behalf of MIL or tell your child that her grandmother is ill with a disease that makes it hard for her to remember.

Power of attorney doesn't mean getting cards or presents for the child of a sibling who isn't stepping up coming to terms, with the emotional and practical responsibilities of having a parent with dementia and his grasping and self absorbed wife.

NoraDora · 12/02/2017 04:50

Bloody hell your dh and you sound like drama lamas.

Your BIL is not the issue here, your dh is. Why is he leaving his mums care to his BIL? I understand it's hard to visit and deal with the fallout from dementia but your BIL shouldn't have to do this alone.

Having watched my parents deal with a relative with dementia whilst others "couldn't cope" was heartbreaking. Why can't your dh shoulder some of the burden? It's time for him to step up.

Atenco · 12/02/2017 06:02

I'm still bemused about how your dd is old enough to notice that her dgm hasn't sent her a card but not old enough to realise that her dgm is incapable of sending her a card.

Chinnygirl · 12/02/2017 06:45

Who cares that your DP "still has to com to terms with that". Why is that BILs problem? Your DP should care for his mum too. It is asmuch his responsibility. Did DP send a card to BILs fsmily on behalf of mum? I guess not, right? So why should BIL do it for him? He is not a child anymore. Don't act so spoilt and start helping out.

Silverdream · 12/02/2017 06:58

I have seen this over and over with friends and their siblings.
I'm going to sound harsh.
Your husband needs to put his feelings aside. He's sticking his head in the sand because he'll know someone else will do it.
It will be equally hard for his siblings but they are facing their responsibilities.
I'd be really angry with him if was them.
Going gets tough let someone else deal with it. He needs to be an adult.
Time and time again it's left to one of the children while the other runs from the problem.

Skooba · 12/02/2017 07:25

I would send a card myself with love from Grandma on it.
That's it problem solved. Who knows what the BIL thinks. It just isn't worth worrying about. DH should visit more but does DM actually realise who is visiting her anyway?
I would try to get DH to visit more but otherwise just stay out of it.

Joysmum · 12/02/2017 08:07

It's about time you explained to your DD that her grandma has forgotten her birthday because she is unwell and this is normal for her now.

Dementia gets worse, her behaviour will deteriorate and she will do some things that are unusual for her. Your DD needs to know this.

If it was that important to you and your DH that she has a fake card from grandma then one of you should have faked it rather than moaning about your BIL who already is doing everything else and taking up the slack you and your DH isn't.

In the meantime both of you need to step up and help your BIL. if your DH isn't ready, you can. I did for my FIL and was emotional support when my DH and SIL couldn't. It was very much a family issue and I am family too.

You both are the issue, not your BIL.

EllaHen · 12/02/2017 08:15

It sounds like you are looking for a reason to hate your BIL and this is it.

Take a step back. Seeing the lack of card as him 'punishing' your dd is really quite dark.

Are you perhaps feeling guilty that your dh isn't helping/visiting more and driving a wedge between he and his brother will somehow absolve him of his responsibilities?

IamWendy · 12/02/2017 08:26

Why are you all using power of attorney to buy gifts? Surely that is not what it is in place for! She has dementia, her days of supplying gifts for all your kids is over.

LillyLollyLandy · 12/02/2017 08:37

I think you are being a bit unfair. BIL is shouldering all of the responsibility for his mother - your DH needs to step up and start helping. I still don't understand why having PoA means the BIL is responsible for cards and gifts, surely if having a card from MIL is so important you or your husband should be doing it on her behalf?

Ebbenmeowgi · 12/02/2017 08:51

Your dh really needs to step up and be more involved with his mother. Her disease is only going to get worse and it would be incredibly sad if he misses out on having interaction with her as her capacity and ability will only diminish. This is his last chance to spend quality time with her! If he's struggling with the diagnosis and with interaction he can get advice and support from the Alzheimers society etc. Perhaps he could take round some old photos, make a memory box etc - there's loads of things to try.

I'd be so pissed off if my siblings shirked any responsibility for caring a parent who is ill. Dementia is v stressful but it's not about him! He needs to sort his priorities asap before it's too late.

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