Issues with bil bad ill mil

[NeedSomeEnergy]

May Be long, but after reading many relationship problems on here I think my bil and sil are being rather underhand to my daughter because my husband is having problems dealing with his mums dementia and doesn't visit as much as his brother. It was may daughters birthday last month and nothing was given from grandma although Bil always sorts this for others in the family as he has power of attorney. It just feels like he is lording the power that as my dh is struggling with mil illness and yes probably not visiting as much as he could but still helping where he can, that his brother is punishing our daughter for it. (Not it's not about gifts but she didn't even get a card) I may be wrong but this isn't the first instant but this really brought it to light. I know this an issue for my husband to deal with with his brother but I feel sad that our daughter is paying for it if you see what I mean. Any advice I would be grateful.

[Joysmum]

Why are you all using power of attorney to buy gifts? Surely that is not what it is in place for!

Actually you are there to carry on the financial affairs of the person as they have been. So if this is what the person has always done then you respect that and continue the tradition as they will have done.

You might want to check your facts before you judge.

[DarklyDreamingDexter]

Totally agree with what others have said about your DH stepping up and taking responsibility and not leaving it all for BIL to shoulder the burden. Power of Attourney is about taking charge of major financial and life changing decisions such as selling her house and paying care home fees, not sending a fake card to a niece! Get a grip! I had POA for my late father and it would never have occurred to me in a million years that it extended to sending fake cards to people he might have sent them to otherwise -that's absolutely crazy! You should have sent a card yourself 'if it's not about gifts' and it meant that much to you. This is not in AIBU, buy for what it's worth YABU! A bit more support for your BIL instead of slagging him off would be more appropriate.

[Joysmum]

Power of attorney is to manage the financial affairs of the person in they they would want.

Of course most grandparents would want their grandkids to continue to receive gifts as they had in the past.

This is a quote from the gov.uk website on the matter, do yes, birthdays are the remit of someone with POA:

^Gifts

You can buy gifts or give gifts of money on behalf of the donor, including donations to charities. You must only make gifts:

to people who normally receive gifts from the person
on suitable occasions, eg birthdays, weddings
to charities that normally receive donations from the person^

[Joysmum]

Italics fail

[DarklyDreamingDexter]

Jeez, yes but in reality the enormity of dealing with a parent with dementia and all the stress and anxiety it brings with it are huge. Try it sometime before you judge whether sending a fake birthday card is high up on your priorities.

[IamWendy]

I'm actually shocked that this is enshrined in law, joys, surely once a person has entered a state of dementia their money should be used to help care for them? It seems wrong, I can't really articulate why. But sending gifts from someone who is in no way capable to do it themselves seems so fake, and grabby? What's wrong with saying aunt dot is getting forgetful, or too frail to be buying gifts now?

[Joysmum]

What's wrong with saying aunt dot is getting forgetful, or too frail to be buying gifts now?

Nothing, which is why I suggested it upthread. However the gift buying if being done for some GC needs to be done for all by the the POA and not dependent on the relationship of the POA with the parents of the GC.

Either the POA is carrying out the wishes of the person or they are not, they must be seen as above reproach and not cherry picking to suit their own agenda.

[jujubeanz]

Why the hell didn't you sort out the present from your MIL? Why should it fall to your BIL?

[Fedupd0tcom]

I'm sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. At the end of the day I know from personal experience that supporting a parent with dementia is agonising and takes over. You do forget important things like birthday cards etc but that's as is. Let this go and support your husband in dealing with the heartache he must be feeling. Support your bil and sil too. What they all must be going through is heartbreaking. I'm sure it was a mere oversight, the bil forgetting to get a card or gift. Nothing intentional. He was probably just swamped with everything he has on his plate. Trust me, carers become forgetful.

[Anothermoomin]

Grow up. Having a parent with dementia is crap for everyone. One child who is having 'difficulties' is pathetic. We all hate it. It's just awful. Don't rely on others to do the crap for you it's just not fair.