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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I want to gently sack this friend

30 replies

winkywinkola · 11/02/2017 22:51

So I have this friend who claims to be a good friend. She has been there when I've had a few things going on but I sometimes wonder if it's for gossip or thrill value.

Whenever we are out with other friends, she doesn't engage in any conversation with me. If we are a three, she will only make eye contact with the other person, talk to them, look at me rarely to perform the basic social function of inclusion.

Trouble is, everyone else seems to prefer her company to mine. So they will not look at me either, engage only with her etc. I find it embarrassing because it's so blatant. And everyone else's preference for her is so obvious too. No effort to hide it.

I find it very odd. It's like she's trying to compete with me. To show me she's more popular and socially desirable. She totally is. it's weird. But because our dds are at the same school, there are many social situations that we are put together.

Plus we have this evening out with two other mothers at the school that has been going on for years. I want to not go anymore but it will cause drama and issues and questions.

I can't bothered with it because I always feel inadequate and weird after a social occasion.

Please can I have some advice as to how to deal with this?

OP posts:

SoleBizzz · 11/02/2017 23:54

Cancel. Life is too short. Easy to say I know.

What drama will it cause?

I empathise

user1484750550 · 11/02/2017 23:55

Phase her out and eventually ghost her if you can. Things are not going to improve. She sounds envious of you, and a bit like she wants oneupmanship ... You sound uneasy and uncomfortable in her presence. I would let the friendship fade, and keep it very casual. Don't arrange any more nights out.

Teepish · 11/02/2017 23:59

"I always feel inadequate and weird after a social occasion"

Totally get you. I feel like this after i see one of my very few close friends and have been wondering if it was me being silly.

I don't think its us, Op.... best of luck with however you choose to deal with this, its a tricky one.

YouHadMeAtCake · 12/02/2017 00:00

Frenemy not friend. Get rid. I think we have all had/known one of those . I did. She was a condescending cow and I ditched her. Felt wonderful

boredwithabrokenfinger · 12/02/2017 00:03

I assume you don't have this problem with anyone else. You have feelings for a reason. You need to acknowledge them and act on them. Time to let go perhaps?

SoleBizzz · 12/02/2017 00:04

What can OP say? Sorry I'm quite busy at the moment. I don't know when I'll be able to commit to meeting up with you for a while. Hope you both have a good evening out!

JessaHanna · 12/02/2017 00:06

I had a friend like this. Was very upsetting at the time as my phase out resulted in her sending me a very nasty email. But actually that helped as It underpinned what I suspected about her so did me a favour really!

I did lose two good friends but it was clear neither of them valued our friendship as they never contacted me afterwards to see how I was or even ask what had happened so I can only assume she had been talking about me.

I'm much happier not being friends with this person and have actually made other friends who are much more friendly.

It's hard OP but you must do what makes you feel happy.

Original poster

winkywinkola · 12/02/2017 00:10

It's not just her though. It's the friends who also seem to subscribe to her, iyswim? Do I bin them too because their behaviour leaves a lot to be desired too when she's around. It's bizarre.

They are very friendly, chatty, engaged with me when we are just two or even three or four with other people.

As soon as she is in the mix, they seem to fall at her feet. She can say anything random and they will drop our conversation to respond to her.

I don't get it. I wouldn't be so rude but she seems to have some sort of effect on people in this way.

I need to engineer a way to walk away. Our dcs share a couple of extra curricular activities that we manage by alternating suppers and pick ups.

OP posts:

SoleBizzz · 12/02/2017 00:13

Are the other friends real friends? I sense they are happy to exclude you too when she is there....

tallwivglasses · 12/02/2017 00:16

Sorry, I'd say none of them ate real friends. Real friends are out there - it just takes a while to find them sometimes.

SoleBizzz · 12/02/2017 00:19

I wouldn't be so rude but she seems to have an effect on them on this way

No OP. You are wrong.

The others aren't your friend either. Sorry.

Take back your power!!!

Original poster

winkywinkola · 12/02/2017 00:23

I just don't know how.

There would be a backlash. She seems to be very powerful and influential.

I literally would have no other friends. My only friends seem to be mutual.

OP posts:

MrsPolkaDotLady · 12/02/2017 00:44

I would definitely drop her as a friend; there doesn't need to be any drama, you can just be too busy to see her.

If you like the others then just see people on a one to one basis. The fact that they stop listening to you and listen to her instead doesn't necessarily mean that they don't like you. Some people, like your 'friend', are so loud and pushy that people feel obliged to listen to them and to let them take over.

MrsPolkaDotLady · 12/02/2017 00:45

Either that or distance yourself cheerfully from them all, and make a concerted effort to look for other friends that are in no way connected to any of them.

bookbuddy · 12/02/2017 00:57

I've Been there and ultimately I decided I'd rather have no friends than put up with feeling rubbish about myself. It worked out fine after a while. I'm much happier and have a couple of really good friends that share the same values and actually like being happy. I think it says more about her self esteem than yours.

PeachyImpeachment · 12/02/2017 01:38

It's hard. I've dropped someone like this. I've lost the other friends too but the ones that have drifted into their place are much nicer (probably because I felt better for having dropped them).

PeachyImpeachment · 12/02/2017 01:41

Make some excuses - you are decorating, or have taken up exercise/reading/an online course - no need for drama. Your daughter can still be friends at school.

Or - you could pick her up on bad behaviour and the others will probably drop the shared suppers anyhow!

hesterton · 12/02/2017 06:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1486613612 · 12/02/2017 06:44

tallwiv wrote: "Sorry, I'd say none of them ate real friends. Real friends are out there - it just takes a while to find them sometimes."

I don't even know what real friends are, yet. Don't think I've ever had any "real friends" when I think about it, I always come in as number two or three or four, or as a loose acquaintance. Someone you invite if you invite "everybody", but not otherwise.

user1486613612 · 12/02/2017 06:47

winky said: "Please can I have some advice as to how to deal with this?"

Why not just say "no" and not attend? Simple.

RNBrie · 12/02/2017 06:52

I have someone like this in my life. Being aware of it is the key. So I'm more than happy to use her for convenience - drop offs, do each other favours etc but I don't socialise with her unless there are a lot of people going so it doesn't matter if she ignores me all night.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 12/02/2017 07:14

What fallout do you predict if you do distance yourself?

I'm currently distancing myself from a friend who sounds a bit similar. She knows everyone, which is great and all, but goes out of her way to make it obvious how popular she is, and what has been the deciding factor for me - just how popular her dc are. She delights in rubbing it in my face and I just can't bear it anymore. It gives me anxiety about my own situation whereas left to my own devices I wouldn't be bothered. Our children are very young and I don't need this shit.

Luckily in my case the mutual friend thing doesn't really apply, it just makes the school gate potentially a bit more awkward.

Original poster

winkywinkola · 12/02/2017 07:59

I won't have any friends.

I don't want to fall out with her. I just need to really distance myself from her.

And her many many friends. It's all school gate friendships that have evolved.

I mean I could be talking to one of them or them to me, she will pipe up - say anything at all - and the original conversation is instantly dropped and turned to her. It's astonishing. She's obviously very charismatic which I don't see why should translate into rudeness

I'm actually really irritated by their rudeness this morning. I see no point in talking to her about it. She would deny it and I would look like a loon.

OP posts:

Original poster

winkywinkola · 12/02/2017 08:00

I feel like utter shit about it actually. The way I am clearly an irrelevance.

OP posts:

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 12/02/2017 08:05

I think if they're making you feel this bad then you should just withdraw quietly. You don't need to feel this way and paradoxically you will probably feel stronger without these 'friends'. Some people are very charismatic, and unfortunately others are weak/insecure enough to need to be hanging off their every word.

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