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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you want to "run a mile" if your girlfriend/boyfriend declined a proposal?

36 replies

user1486845940 · 11/02/2017 20:47

Just that...

OP posts:

Chasingsquirrels · 11/02/2017 20:52

My first though "yes".
And then I realised that I told DH no a number of times - we'd both been married before and I didn't see the point. So he stopped asking. And I started thinking maybe I did want to. So I asked him.

Chasingsquirrels · 11/02/2017 20:53

Didn't finish post .....
.... so I'm glad he didn't run a mile

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 11/02/2017 20:58

I'd feel awful.

Did they say no 😟

luckylucky24 · 11/02/2017 21:01

possibly. I would struggle to continue after such rejection.

Original poster

user1486845940 · 11/02/2017 21:03

Yes, I got a "look, I love you a lot. I want to be with you, but I don't ever want to be married". I don't know what to think.

OP posts:

Love51 · 11/02/2017 21:03

Don't people sound each other out first, before going ring shopping and popping the question? I wouldn't run a mile, but I would wonder if we were on the same page.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 11/02/2017 21:04

TBH I think I would. I can't help but think it would be such a rejection and I would realise we were on different pages wrt what we wanted from the relationship.

FlouncingInAWinterWonderland · 11/02/2017 21:06

There is no need to do anything really quickly.

I guess I'd question how important marriage is as a definate part of my life plan.

LaPharisienne · 11/02/2017 21:06

I think you then need to decide whether you can get over your wish to be married? Whether you love/trust hem enough to give it up, I suppose.

Love51 · 11/02/2017 21:07

Ask why they don't want marriage. What do you both expect from marriage? It isn't a compromise situation, so you need to know what you are considering walking away from. Give yourself time to get over the shock though!

PaperdollCartoon · 11/02/2017 21:07

I think it depends why. I've asked DP to marry me loads of times and he's said no because he's not ready yet (mostly money stuff) not because he doesn't want to marry me ever

GinIsIn · 11/02/2017 21:08

Did you ask why they don't ever want to be married? Because that would be what it hinged on for me...

AuditAngel · 11/02/2017 21:08

I never said no, but said it was too soon to say yes, on 4 occasions before I said yes.

RandomMess · 11/02/2017 21:09

I think not marrying depends on a lot of things...

If someone was absolutely be 100% to share finances /assets, share household duties and parenting 100% and not assume DC would take the fathers name then I would consider staying forever and not marrying.

Personally my DP wanting to make that public commitment to me was very important tbh.

If I were young and childish I would be very concerned that they were so against being married...

So I'm very grey on that issue!

Original poster

user1486845940 · 11/02/2017 21:11

Random that's the problem, she doesn't like the idea of sharing her money, etc.

I'm not marrying her for that at all. She does earn a lot more than me though, so I see why she wouldn't want that, I suppose.

OP posts:

WannaBe · 11/02/2017 21:11

I would. Because it would show that we had a fundamental difference in what we wanted. But tbh I would imagine that we would have had a discussion at least prior to the question.

I wouldn't expect to find out they were against marriage at the time I proposed.... So if I proposed I would already be fairly sure that we wanted the same things.

F1GI · 11/02/2017 21:14

Do either of you want kids?

WannaBe · 11/02/2017 21:16

"that's the problem, she doesn't like the idea of sharing her money, etc." this would ring major alarm bells for me. Because sharing your money, while a major part of marriage, is only a small part really. If you e.g. Live together, have children together, share a mortgage etc you already have the majority of commitment which most marriages possess. So if she didn't want to marry purely because of money I would wonder what that was about, and how long-term she thought the relationship was going to be.

RandomMess · 11/02/2017 21:21

Urgh I would feel like my partner didn't think I was trust worthy and that I didn't love them for themselves...

Would having DC together be on the cards at all?

PidgeyfinderGeneral · 11/02/2017 21:24

I was in the opposite boat. I didn't want to get married again (having been in an abusive first marriage), but DP did. I didn't know this at the time but he'd bought a ring and planned to propose to me. But as he was aware of my feelings on the matter, he tried to sound me out first and I must have been in a particularly vehement frame of mind because he didn't propose, sold the ring and we nearly split up.

However, I mellowed a bit over the years and he decided to try again. That time I accepted and I was ready to be married again.

I had had various issues with being married, ranging from my loss of identity as a person, to a fear of being dependent on someone else.

StarUtopia · 11/02/2017 21:25

Umm. Be a deal breaker for me. IN fact it was, with my ex. We were engaged but every time I tried to plan the wedding, he was just not interested etc. I came to the conclusion that marriage was never going to happen/not his thing etc, but because it was important to me, our relationship had to end.

I called it off. Very upsetting for both of us at the time but we are still great friends 7 yrs later.

I was stunned (understatement of the year) when he married his new gf this year. Stunned because I believed he didn't 'do' marriage. No. He just didn't want to marry me!!!

Trust me. If she thinks you're the right one, she would marry you in a flash. I know not everyone will agree, but if you're married (or even committed really) then your money should be your money. Really don't understand those who say it's mine etc. That alone would be a huge red flag for me.

Huskylover1 · 11/02/2017 21:28

Marriage is VERY important to me. I am ashamed to say, that I expected my DH to propose the day my divorce came through. God knows why! I was very down and quiet that night and I think he guessed, and he leant in to me at about 11pm and said "I think we should get married"....and we did....he is a keeper!

WannaBe · 11/02/2017 21:29

I would never have children unless we were married, so if marriage wasn't on the cards that would mean children with him would be a no as well, and as such I would have to move on to be with someone who wanted to MarRy me if I wanted to have children.

OP she doesn't want to marry you. You deserve better.

GinIsIn · 11/02/2017 21:38

Ok that is not a good reason - I'm sorry! For me, that would imply my partner didn't trust me and thought I was a gold digger.

PidgeyfinderGeneral · 11/02/2017 21:48

Actually, now I think about it, marriage wasn't at all important to me. My first husband was 20 years older than me and I was in my early 20s, and it was him who pushed to get married. I wasn't bothered but for him it was marriage or nothing. Being young and naive, I married him, but it was totally not the right thing to do. Looking back, it was more about him feeling he had control of me by being married to me.

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