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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm cheating on my husband.

66 replies

AwfulWife17 · 11/02/2017 13:08

My DH and I had separated, we are back together because he didn't want to loose our DD's and I, I don't love him at all, but I don't want to stop his day to day life with them. When we first met, I dated him to make my ex jealous, I got pregnant, we stayed together, I got pregnant again - we got married, I got pregnant again. I don't think I have ever loved him. I married him for a secure and stable life for myself and our children.

We are sexually incompatible. I need to be dominated, like BDSM. He doesn't even know this. As far as he is concerned, we have a crap sex life, but he doesn't know it's because I hate sleeping with him.

I have been sleeping with someone who gives me everything I need, but would be useless as a partner. Not least because he lives a very long way away. He flies to see me whenever my husband is away.

I know what I'm doing is hideous, I know I'm an awful person. I just can't stop myself from doing it though. I need to end things with one of them. I would leave my husband if I could have the other man instead, but I can't. I don't want to stop seeing my Dom, but I think I need to, being with him is the first time I've been happy in a decade though.

I wish I had never met my husband.

OP posts:
Original poster
AwfulWife17 · 11/02/2017 13:54

Does it matter BadCat? Sometimes I have babysitters, sometimes when they're at school etc. It's not like I'm tied up, being beaten in front of them...

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 11/02/2017 13:55

Poor man deserves better.
You sound very unhinged having all these partners and children, especially when you have never loved their father.
I think you need some counselling, your life sounds quite weird tbh.

WorraLiberty · 11/02/2017 13:55

I don't see why it should be assumed the kids will automatically live with you? Confused

Hopefully when you split (because you will), the kids can live with him or you can all manage 50-50 care.

That way, during the time the kids are with him you can fuck your Dom until your little heart's content...

roundaboutthetown · 11/02/2017 13:58

I wish you had never met your husband, too. Have you ever tried seeking psychological help? Dating someone to make an ex jealous, having several children with him and lying all the time (I presume you never told him you never loved him and only wanted to make your ex jealous and hated having sex with him - or is he a glutton for punishment?) is seriously screwed up behaviour.

Flipthebirdy · 11/02/2017 13:58

What is it about him that has stopped you being able to fall in love? Surely can't only be about the sex??

daisychain01 · 11/02/2017 14:00

Shock-value. Hmm.

You don't want advice, it's just a way of highlighting how outrageous you're being.

Maybe all part of the BDSM bit, getting a virtual beating from strangers, in addition to a RW one.

Dull, dull, dull.

Original poster
AwfulWife17 · 11/02/2017 14:00

Your probably right Pondering, obsessed is a little unfair though. He absolutely deserves better, but I'm not leaving my daughters behind. He wants to stay with them, so I stay with him. I know exactly how selfish that is.

OP posts:
Nomoreworkathome · 11/02/2017 14:04

Bullshit you don't want to end his family life. You have fuck all to go to.... that's why you are still there. If OM was on board you would be gone in a heartbeat.

Original poster
AwfulWife17 · 11/02/2017 14:07

No daisy, it's not that. I suppose, because clearly I can't talk about about this in real life, I'm almost hoping that hearing how shit it really is, would be enough to snap me out of it.

It hasn't been going on for very long and I've otherwise been a good, if not loving, wife. I think I was trying to shock myself in to stopping.

OP posts:
pepperpot99 · 11/02/2017 14:10

So the only reason you got together with him was because you "dated him to make your ex jealous"? and then you "got pregnant" THREE TIMES by accident? WTF is wrong with you? Are you 12 years old? Hmm

Your DH would be so much better off without you and I suspect your children would as well. You come across as self centred, deceitful and , frankly, very stupid.

Original poster
AwfulWife17 · 11/02/2017 14:13

No, he would have us Nomore. I very known him as a friend for a very long time. I wouldn't want to have a proper relationship with him and he is in a different country so it would destroy everything even more for my children.

OP posts:
GutInstinct · 11/02/2017 14:13

What exactly was the point of this thread?

You don't love your husband and you don't love your fuck buddy but you're staying with your husband for the children and inviting the fuck buddy over when he's away so he can whip you and beat you and whatever other things happens in these loveless relationships which are all about pleasure and nothing else.

And when your husband finds out what then? When he divorces you for adultery, because it's still adultery even if there aren't emotions involved, what are you going to tell your friends and family then? Or more to the point, how are you going to explain it to them when your husband gets there first and tells him his version of events?

I had an affair OP. In my case I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, but the affair was no more justified. But although my family did actually understand how I ended up having an affair because they knew my DH and knew what he was like, they still all told me I was a bloody idiot and tried to persuade me to fight for my marriage instead. If I'd said to them that I'd had an affair because my husband wasn't providing the kind of sex I enjoyed and thus I felt I had to find it elsewhere, or if he'd told them that, I'm fairly sure they would probably have disowned me there and then.

This isn't just about you having an affair and what your marriage is like. This is about the view you are giving other people of yourself. Because you see, when this all comes out in the open, and it will, you will have no control over what your husband tells the people around him, and you will have no control over the opinion those people form of you based on what he tells them.

If you want to have fuck buddy sex with whips and chains and the like then divorce your husband and go after such a lifestyle. No love, no emotions, nobody is going to get hurt past the divorce, but if you're unhappy in your relationship then you're entitled to end it so you can both move on.

But you're not entitled to shag someone else at every opportunity because your husband isn't giving you the sex you want and you haven't had the decency to even discuss it with him.

Grow up.

Badcat666 · 11/02/2017 14:16

Yes OP, it does matter. You are screwing another man for your own pleasure but yet you assume if you leave you will take your children with you. But as your fuck buddy flies in whenever your hubby is a way *which you state he is a away a lot) you must be using a baby sitter on a very regular basis or allowing a stranger to your children in your house.

How old are your children BTW?

You also state your husband works away a lot and "doesn't know them". Maybe he has to work away a lot to earn enough money for you to pay the babysitter and have enough spank me money for your fun and games. If you get bored with your current "fuck buddy" will you just find another one and so on and so on?

Hopefully if you leave he will be able to ease back on work and spend more time with his kids (50:50 spilt) and you can have more time for your fun.

PsychedelicSheep · 11/02/2017 14:18

What SpringerS said ^

If ever there was a case for an open marriage it's this. I'm amazed you haven't discussed it sooner tbh. He gets to live with his daughters but you acknowledge there is not much of a romantic/sexual relationship between the two of you so you're both free to date/have sex with others. It's so obviously a no brainer!

ageingrunner · 11/02/2017 14:20

If the op is the main cater and her husband works away a lot, then damn right the children should stay with her. Residency is meant to be in the best interests of the children, not a punishment for an unfaithful partner.

WienerDiva · 11/02/2017 14:46

What ageingrunner said

pregnantat50 · 11/02/2017 14:49

Don't your children get confused when your other man appears when your husband is away? This will blow up and they will be the ones to suffer

Original poster
AwfulWife17 · 11/02/2017 15:13

They've only ever met him once. I do worry about it ending up hurting them.

OP posts:
WaitrosePigeon · 11/02/2017 15:13

2/10

PurpleDaisies · 11/02/2017 15:14

They've only ever met him once. I do worry about it ending up hurting them.

You think?!!

strugglingstepdad · 11/02/2017 15:14

@agingrunner I think your completely wrong. Why should the husband have his time restricted with the kids. It's not his fault, it's the ops in that she's created this situation. Why should she have the rights to continue as primary career? Bit sexist that!

Badcat666 · 11/02/2017 15:21

Do you work OP?

Also what do you mean by your husband "goes away a lot for work". Does he have to work away from Monday to Friday and home every weekend? or does he work one or two weeks away at a time and then spends a week at home?

Buzzardbird · 11/02/2017 15:23

Life's not fair. Suck it up.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2017 15:24

That paint drying looks far more interesting than this thread

Emmageddon · 11/02/2017 15:30

If this is genuine, then you know you have to end your marriage. You are being unfair to your husband and to your children, you know that. You can still co-parent. Why have you never discussed your sexual needs with your husband incidentally? He could be even better at whatever it is turns you on, for all you know.