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Original poster

Confined in friend, they have now made a nasty comment

63 replies

pinkwattle17 · 10/02/2017 22:27

So I've had a male gay friend for the last 14 years...met at work, kept in contact after I left...see each other every month or so, talk on phone often.

As relevant background, in all that time, he's had 2 relationships, both lasting less than 6 months. I've been in a relationship (LDR for 8) for the last 9 years. We were talking about sex recently, he was saying he's not had any for 18 months. I admitted that I haven't for the last 5 months...I'm bipolar, been on new medication that lowered my sex drive. My fiance has been very supportive.

Last weekend my fiance was visiting, we had sex...I was happy that that side of life is getting back to normal. Fiance went home on Monday with the beginning of a cold...which I also had by Tuesday. So I haven't talked to my friend all week. Sent him a message today, asking how he was...he replied saying 'he was **ed'...to which I replied 'like I was this weekend, lol'

I then got this reply...

' I feel sorry for you. Must be crap when your fiance doesn't wanna touch you for such long periods of time and it becomes an occasion when he does'

I'm absolutely horrifed...what on earth should I say/do now?

OP posts:
Happybunny19 · 10/02/2017 22:52

I think he's a complete dick and that's proven by his lack of friends

Original poster
pinkwattle17 · 10/02/2017 22:52

Very familiar. I've had to hear about his sex life in eye watering detail over the years...to the point I had to tell him to stop sending me the dick pics he gets from guys on Grinder, etc

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkwattle17 · 10/02/2017 22:54

I think telling your friend of 14 years that their fiance doesn't want to touch them is bloody vile. I was asking how I should respond.

OP posts:
buttercup54321 · 10/02/2017 22:58

get rid of him

Joanna0685 · 10/02/2017 22:59

What kind of person tells people their mother is dead op?

VestalVirgin · 10/02/2017 23:03

Get rid of him.

Your reply was not very sensitive, granted, but his reply to that was still unwarranted. (And I would not keep a friend who ever, ever, ever thinks it a good idea to send me dick pics, doesn't matter if it is not his own dick)

In the future, though, perhaps when someone says they're feeling bad, try to not make a pun out of it. A nicer person would not have said something hurtful, but just gradually fade out of your life.

westeringhome · 10/02/2017 23:03

After reading your updates I agree with happybunny that your message seems perfectly within your friendship boundaries and he is jealous and wants to bat you down. I would just ignore him tbh as it sounds like he is trying to provoke you, must be in the mood for a spat, don't rise to it

OnHold · 10/02/2017 23:05

You don't sound like you like him very much.

Sounds like you just want MN to slag him off .

Original poster
pinkwattle17 · 10/02/2017 23:05

It's not the first time he's done it...he did it at the job we met at. Got away with it, so did it again.

OP posts:
YouHadMeAtCake · 10/02/2017 23:06

A nasty and uncalled for comment. Not one a friend would make. What's he like usually ?

VestalVirgin · 10/02/2017 23:06

Edit: After reading why he felt f**ed, I have to say I would not keep him as friend, anyway. I get why you didn't feel much pity for him, but seriously, this is not a kind of person I'd want to be friends with. Confused

Find friends who are actually good people and for whom you can actually feel compassion. Then be a good friends.

You gain nothing by being a bad friend to someone who is a bad friend, too.

Original poster
pinkwattle17 · 10/02/2017 23:07

I don't like him for saying my fiancé doesn't want to touch me. I don't think Im being unreasonable feeling that way.

OP posts:
Motherwithflaws · 10/02/2017 23:11

He goes around telling people his mum is dead, to get time off work!? He's a dickhead and you'd be daft to stay friends with him.

Original poster
pinkwattle17 · 10/02/2017 23:18

Exactly what my fiancé has been saying to me for 6 months. But I felt concerned for him and wanted to try and support him. There have been days where he's rung me at least 4 times a day, very long phone calls...obviously none of his family are now talking to him after what he did. The one week I've not felt up to the daily chats due to being ill - and I let him know - and this is the sort of response I get when I try and share my slight good news. Insults me, my fiance and our relationship.

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 10/02/2017 23:18

"Sent him a message today, asking how he was...he replied saying 'he was ed'...to which I replied 'like I was this weekend, lol'"

Could it be that his response wasn't really anything to do with your sex life, but rather to do with (what he perceived to be) your lack of interest in how he was.

You asked how he was. He responded negatively (which might normally have at least warranted a "Why? What's wrong?"). You ignored his response, going straight on to talk about yourself (albeit in a jokey fashion).

Could it be that he had something to tell you, or a need of support, but felt that you weren't open to hearing it?

Motherwithflaws · 10/02/2017 23:21

Block his number and ignore.

BonnyScotland · 10/02/2017 23:22

Your Gay Friend is hideous and clearly the offensive snidey smart ass comments are only Jolly Good Fun when they're going in one direction.... yours ..

Stop supporting this Fraudulent Fool and focus on your Fiance ... I mean seriously.. what kind of sick person lies about their Parent being dead to skip work for 2 months... that's stomach churning..

Original poster
pinkwattle17 · 10/02/2017 23:35

I've had 6 solid months of just talking about him. During that time I was in hospital for 3 weeks...did he visit? Did he fuck. And unlike him, I've got no family in this country. All I've got is my fiancé and other friends.

OP posts:
GirlDownUnder · 10/02/2017 23:48

Sounds like this friendship is finished for you, and you're just working through the mechanics of disengaging.

You'd be right to.

Imstickingwiththisone · 11/02/2017 00:01

Fucking hell if I had been single and not had sex for 18 months and my close friend who had recently been in hospital and had confided she hadn't had sex for 5 months because of her new meds for bipolar (which might be linked to hospital stay), then told me her and her FIANCE had had sex then I would think it was TMI...Bit be pleased that it means she is getting used to meds and there is less potential strain in her relationship.

I wouldn't feel hard done by that I hadn't had a shag with my non existent partner Confused

He's a total cunt op I think the best way to respond is to ignore him. If he texts or calls you about his own problems, ignore him. If he apologises, ignore him. You've got your own shit to deal with, fuck him off.

GoodDayToYou · 11/02/2017 00:09

I would reply, "Wow". That's all. I'd leave it there.

I would also play with the idea of adding, "Good day to you!" cos I love Miss Jolly. Wink

But no, leave it with Wow, that says it all. He wouldn't be my cup of tea tbh.

Original poster
pinkwattle17 · 11/02/2017 01:02

Thanks to all that have replied. Funnily enough, it was while my fiancé was here last weekend that he was saying to me that he doesn't know why I'm still friends with this person...he's not thought much of him since the whole 'dead mother' business. I defended him...feel such an idiot now.

OP posts:
CaoNiMa · 11/02/2017 06:50

Why would you continue a friendship with a person who has twice fabricated his mother's death? And then, when you do continue it, be surprised that he acts like a dick? Being doggedly loyal to people like this doesn't make you a kind or decent person; it makes you a mug.

Choose your company more carefully, OP.

CaoNiMa · 11/02/2017 06:52

(That came out harsher than I meant it... The sentiment still stands though!)

Ellisandra · 11/02/2017 07:43

I'm fascinated that he managed to keep his job after that lie. Not for a day off but for TWO MONTHS?!!!!
I know it's not the point of your post, but - did he get any sick or bereavement leave, and is he having to pay it back?
I'd have sacked him.
The only slight chance I wouldn't, is if I believed he actually needed the time off for genuineness mental health reasons and was unable to say that so made up this.

To the point: he made a shitty barbed comment that might have been vaguely funny depending on the nature of your previous banter that would be forgivable in a good friendship of 14 years.

But that's not what this is. He's a cunt. How lucky his mum must feel Hmm