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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My husband doesn't like to take me to the public

51 replies

user1468987371 · 10/02/2017 07:07

My husband doesn't like to take me to the public. We are at our 30s, we have a 2year old son.Married 3 years. His company had Christmas party, he said, baby and me are allowed to go. I said how could u invite some people to a party like this, allowed? I was still not happy but he left home without persuade me to go. For other events he explained he didn't want to mix family with work. I had never join any of his company's Christmas party， just had meal one time with new colleagues ,that's all.Is that usual?

OP posts:

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AyeAmarok · 10/02/2017 08:04

Not going to work nights out isn't unusual. But are you worried he doesn't appear to want to be seen out in public anywhere, not just work events?

Ifailed · 10/02/2017 08:04

Sorry, but the meaning is not clear. If taking me to the public means going out in public; for a meal, shopping, walking, theatre - whatever, then he sounds like a right knob. However, a works do is not a public event, it's private and as others have said, it is not common for family to attend.

So, which is it?

ExitPursuedBySpartacus · 10/02/2017 08:11

Works do I wouldn't worry about.

Anything else is a big red flag.

RedAndYellowStripe · 10/02/2017 08:12

The fact he says he doesn't want to mix family and work means that the OP at least could attend it he wanted. But he doesn't.
In that case, the issue isn't that the OP isn't going to work events (I haven't been going to any of DH but then no one else has iyswim and DH is avoiding any work outings anyway), it's the fact he doesn't want her there.
Then I agree that it does raise questions as to why.

OP did your DH say anymore than I don't want to mix things? Is there anything that is worrying you there or are you worried he is ashamed or whatever?

pregnantat50 · 10/02/2017 08:19

I'm a little confused. Your DH invited you but you declined or have I got that wrong?

toomuchtooold · 10/02/2017 08:19

Try adding a bit of good will and understanding to your reading and I think you'll understand fine.

I vote we make this the AIBU motto.

diddl · 10/02/2017 08:21

I've never been-it's works people only & tbh I wouldn't be interested in going anyway.

I did go to a dinner with his boss, partner & two other couples when he had been promoted & I absolutely had to!

We do have friends that we see though & we do go out together-with the kids & just us.

ExcellentWorkThereMary · 10/02/2017 08:24

OP's husband said she was "allowed" to go to the party. He didn't say he would like her to go, that he wanted her there, just that she was "allowed". I can understand why that feels a little cold and distant and why the OP would feel that maybe her husband doesn't want her there.

I've never been to any work parties, ever. Mine or DH's. I don't think that I unusual, but OP if you are feeling like your husband doesn't want to be seen with you in public at all, that is more of a worry. Do you go out together (with or without baby)? To restaurants or for a drink or a coffee? Have you met DH's friends? I think these things are more telling than whether you have met his colleagues, personally.

drinkyourmilk · 10/02/2017 08:27

My husband owns his own firm, and I've still never been invited to works events. It's just too costly to have spouses too.
He has never been invited to mine either.
When I was a nanny some of the international companies had family events- and spouses/children attended those, but that was it.
If it's only works events your husband won't take you on then don't worry, if he refuses to go out with you at all then yes there's a problem.

paxillin · 10/02/2017 08:27

Completely normal. I have had some jobs for years without meeting my colleagues' families.

Very rarely there is a big dinner (25th company anniversary or something), and then it is husbands, wives, partners. Still no children though.

Chickoletta · 10/02/2017 08:29

God, how I'd love to miss DH's Christmas work do! Most tedious, uncomfortable evening of my year. As he's one of the directors it would apparently 'look bad' if I didn't go.

OP, I wouldn't worry about this as long as he is happy to go out as a family/couple away from work.

PS - I understood you just fine and can't believe how churlish some posters are!

diddl · 10/02/2017 08:31

If your husband doesn't like to be seen out with you at all or take you anywhere, Op then that's a problem.

If he just doesn't want you to go to work events then I wouldn't worry about it.

Do you manage to get out & about/see friends without him?

Goawayquickly · 10/02/2017 08:46

If you have a happy marriage on the whole then I don't think this is a problem, as others have said it's fairly normal for partners not to attend functions.
I also understand him not wanting to mix family and work.
If you never go out as a couple and you are unhappy then it is a problem.

Do you have family and friends around, wondered if you feel a bit isolated with your young family?

RacoonBandit · 10/02/2017 08:46

Yes it is usual OP.

Most work events dont extend the invitation to partners.
Your title is very misleading.

BackforGood · 10/02/2017 08:59

dh and I have been together over 25 yrs.
I've never been to any of his Christmas dos and he's never been to any of my Christmas dos.
That aspect is very normal

Is that what you were concerned about OP, or does it go beyond that?

TheSnowFairy · 10/02/2017 09:03

I organise my work's Christmas party, partners are allowed.

Not at DH's work though.

Fackorf · 10/02/2017 10:42

Sorry if my first comment came across as a 'nasty dig', it wasn't meant to.

I was confused because OP appeared to want to attend her DHs work functions but when given the opportunity, chose not to.

SandyY2K · 10/02/2017 18:22

Do other men take their families to these work events?

Yes. I've been my DHs work events a lot.

Christmas parties don't allow kids, so we get a babysitter. Some of his companies have family days and we've taken the kids when they were younger.

SandyY2K · 10/02/2017 18:29

Hopefully the OP will come back to explain, but I take it it that partners and children are welcome, but he doesn't want her to attend. He has said he doesn't mix work and home, or something to that effect.

If he takes you other places in public, but doesn't want to take you to work functions, I would be suspicious that he is having an affair with someone at work or that he doesn't like his marital status to be known.. Or it could be as simple as him wanting to enjoy the party with colleagues, without having to worry about you being lonely, or having to stick with you all dsy/night at the party.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 10/02/2017 18:35

If it's just his xmas do then I really wouldn't sweat it, I'm glad I don't have to be put through that particular torture tbh.
If it's out in public in general then that's different & definitely not acceptable.

RoseOfSharyn · 10/02/2017 19:09

His company had Christmas party, he said, baby and me are allowed to go.

I read this as the company had a Christmas party, he said me and the baby arent allowed to go

Which is possibly why the OP thinks she is being excluded. Although it is commonplace.

Chloe84 · 10/02/2017 19:29

It's not unusual for wives/husbands not to be invited to work functions.

It's not very kind of your husband to say 'you're allowed to come', I think it would have been nicer to ask you nicely if you would like to go with him.

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user1468987371 · 11/02/2017 05:41

Sorry, I should say my husband doesn't like to take me to company events...instead of public, I am not from U.K. My English is not very good.thanks everyone. Sorry again for misleading. But really really appreciate so many people help me. Thanks!

OP posts:

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 11/02/2017 05:49

Honestly, OP, it really isn't normal.in the UK to go to your partners work events.

My dh used to work for a big firm.where partners were invited to the Christmas meal. I went once but hardly anyone else's partner went so if felt very odd and I was bored stupid. Every other company he's worked for has been employees only at events. None of the organisations I've worked for have ever invited partners to work meals etc.

Is your husband supportive and loving to you? If so I really wouldn't worry that he didn't want you to go to his works dinner.

MagicChicken · 11/02/2017 06:13

Try adding a bit of good will and understanding to your reading and I think you'll understand fine.

Also-bloody-lutely. you must be pretty dim if you can't work out that English is not the OP's first language. Just use your imagination and work around it. It's not that hard.

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