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Relationships

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Original poster

If you never have sex...

45 replies

Francks · 10/02/2017 00:07

Never ever I mean. Like a handful of times in 10 years and not at all for several more. Is that still a relationship? It feels like friends to me (or frenemies, sometimes). Or co-parents. But my OH was devastated when I said it feels like that. But surely... she must do too. I don't know how you can think otherwise.
Would you stay with someone you never sleep with, other than for the DC?

OP posts:

fairraid · 10/02/2017 00:10

I know some couples where sex does mean be end all but also some couples who stay together for the children and once the children fly the nest the couple part their own ways.

SandyY2K · 10/02/2017 00:13

Would you stay with someone you never sleep with, other than for the DC?

It depends on whether you love them.

It depends on why there was no sex.

Also depends on whether there was other forms of intimacy and how important sex is to you.

There's not a one size fits all here.

And if they aren't interested in sex are they accepting of an open marriage.

BastardGoDarkly · 10/02/2017 00:13

No, I wouldn't, sex is an important part of our marriage.

But really, it doesn't matter what we think, if you don't want to live the next 40 years without sex, then you'll have to leave.

What does she say are her reasons for not wanting a sex life?

Ariya · 10/02/2017 00:19

Sex is so important, without it, aren't you just lodgers/friends?

However as already mentioned, it would depend on the reason for not having it.

It would be a deal breaker for me unless it was over something medical.

NuffSaidSam · 10/02/2017 00:42

It's still a relationship. It's not a sexual relationship.

You can have a deep and rewarding relationship without sex, like you do with your parents/friends/children/siblings.

It's for you to decide what you want though.

Most people do want a sexual relationship so I don't think anyone would judge you if you wanted to leave.

LellyMcKelly · 10/02/2017 01:27

I was in a sexless relationship for 7 years, not by choice. I'm now in one where I have wonderful, rampant, sexy, sex 3-4 times a week, and oh my god, I'm so much happier. It takes the edge off the stresses and strains of the day, relaxes me, and gives me a great night's sleep. I feel like a different person. I think I had normalised being celibate, but it didn't suit me at all. And it's not just the sex for sex' sake. It helps create intimacy, wanting to hold hands, give each other a back rub, a random hug. I love being able to make someone else that happy, and I love that he can make me that happy. I think, for us anyway, that it forms a big part of the glue of the relationship. If you were both happy as things stood, then fine. If not, the thought of 40 more years with no sex must be almost unbearable. It was for me.

Araminta99 · 10/02/2017 03:05

Yes I would because I am devoted to my husband.

Yazoo22 · 10/02/2017 07:37

Then you live in a sexless marriage/relationship. This is often defined as having sex less than 10 times a year so there will be many people who live in a relationship that is classified this way.

She was devastated? Why? Surely she must also realise that's what your relationship has become.

I have beeen in this position in my marriage when the kids were small but we came through it and now have more intimacy although we never have been and never will be rampant.

The intimacy or lack of it is the real hard one to deal with. Lack of human touch is not good. Do you still have this without the sex or is it a case of nothing left?

Lovemusic33 · 10/02/2017 07:41

I wouldn't stay, this happened with my exh, sex dwindled away, mainly due to me, I thought my sex drive had disappeared but it hadn't, we had just grown apart , now I am single I have a very high sex drive.

I don't think anyone should stay together just for the kids. Sex is a important part of a relationship. Without it your just friends or just parents.

AllTheLight · 10/02/2017 07:46

Some people have a very low sex drive. If she was devastated, I'm guessing she assumed that you were in that position too, i.e. the lack of sex was the choice for both of you, not just her. Is it possible that you haven't clearly communicated that you would like more sex?

picklemepopcorn · 10/02/2017 07:58

If you can, talk to her about about your different wishes. Ask what she would like, why doesn't she like it more often, would she like it differently. Have you always listened, really listened when she talked to you about it? Me and DH are mismatched in every way. He has decided he understands why. He doesn't.
It may well be fixable, and there is so much more to being a family, being married, than sex.

Yazoo22 · 10/02/2017 09:18

Lack if sex is ok if both parties agree but lack of intimacy is very difficult to deal with.

ElspethFlashman · 10/02/2017 09:26

I think from reading on here, there are many women who really really think their relationship is ok despite the lack of sex.

I remember one thread from a woman who was blindsided when her husband met someone else and asked for a divorce. They hadn't had sex in 5 years or something. It then turned into several long running threads detailing her next few months in which he was a rotten bastard and the OW was a slag, and the 5 years thing was literally never mentioned again by anyone.

I have seen women claim their libido had vanished and they were cool with that and their relationship was surviving cos they still get on brilliantly. Then the phrase"I know he'd like us to have more sex BUT....." comes out. These women would be shocked to hear their husbands say they're just friends too.

picklemepopcorn · 10/02/2017 09:33

It is a really difficult thing to talk about without making each other feel bad, I think. We don't always want to hear what the other person is saying. It is such a powerfully mutual experience that if the balance is a bit off it can go wrong quite fast. And hard to talk about without pressuring each other or blaming each other.
Good luck.

Doesntfitthemould · 10/02/2017 09:49

It depends what the reason was.
I would be like a caged beast after 1 month to be honest. If we dont have it for a week we seem very disconnected in general.

Yazoo22 · 10/02/2017 09:51

Elspeth- there is an element of that I agreee. I think due to couples struggling to talk to each other, the underlying resentment builds up and can then lead to an end of a relationship as it has gone too far to sort it out. Lack of communication in relationships is a really dangerous thing. This is why often women are blindsided by a split despite all of the signs being there that the relationship was in trouble. I knew that lack of sex and intimacy wasn't great but was totally focused on the kids at the expense of relationship as was DH but with work and kids.

I had this for 3 years where we just ticked along and did not communicate. When it finally came to a head I was shocked to be told that in my DH opinion, we were 3-6 months away from him leaving me.

It was a real wake up call for me.

We now talk about our relationship more almost having a 6 month review sort of thing and both try harder to make the other feel special. We agreed to put down the gadgets at night, talk about our days and watch tv/films together whilst perhaps holding hands/cuddling up. We always now go to bed at the same time which we didn't previously and this will always involve a cuddle before sleep and sometimes sex. Not always full sex but some sexual activity. We have done from 3/4 times a year to perhaps 20-30 times a year which for some won't sound a lot but it's a mile from where we were.

We both now feel happier, not invisible and appreciated and I and he have regained our mojo for each other.

Looking back, I can see all of the mistakes we made and I am sure plenty of others do too.

Happybunny19 · 10/02/2017 10:02

For me normally a lack of sex for even the shortest period makes me a horrible angry bitch, but we have gone through prolonged periods of abstinence, during pregnancy for example, of very little action. I found that fine, but we still maintained a level of intimacy that compensated and knew it was only for a limited time.

Ordinarily I would say in my relationship sex is extremely important, but if something happens to change that it wouldn't necessarily be the end. It all depends on the circumstances. Having said that if we stop being intimate and stop communicating about it that would create problems.

If you're feeling unhappy enough to ask strangers here you need to find a way to start expressing how you feel to your wife. She may be upset, but better to honestly discuss your feelings than continue to feel frustrated and unfulfilled. Surely a compromise to keep you both satisfied is achievable.

Iamthinking · 10/02/2017 10:05

I don't have a sexual relationship with my dp.

I think maybe your dw was floored because it was the first time it had been mentioned. She has made assumptions about what you are feeling and she was actually very far off about how you.

So now you have got it out there, I reckon you should consider it as conversation number 1 in a series of ongoing conversations. As long as you are not too whiny, keep it calm and talk about it in the right way, I think you should consider it an unfinished topic, and schedule a time together to have conversation number 2. Don't let it blow up into a big emotional argument.
I am no sex therapist, but If it were me, and my dp said what you have said, I would make a BIG effort (actually I would be delighted he had said something). Maybe she will too? In my case it may be too late.

For our part, we are sexless but we haven't talked about it. I was hurt initially, wished for more sexual activity,, but now I don't think I have much of a libido anymore so don't mind. It has been so long that I am not sure I can get back on that horse anymore, so to speak.
I am not staying with him for the kids and I don't want another man, I am happy as I am, but yes I would say we are coparents/house sharers. I am happy sharing a bed with him, I like chilling with him and going out with him. I don't feel sexually frustrated often, if I get horny I have a dildo which is fine....
...however, writing this has made me think that I need to follow your lead and talk to him so that I am not making the same assumptions as your wife seems to have.

Keep talking to her, find out what she is feeling and if she thinks she can change at all. See if you can find a compromise, keep it kind and calm, keep the love and respect to the foreground. As I said, if my dp approached things right, I would make big efforts to try and bring the sexiness back.

Batteriesallgone · 10/02/2017 10:08

It doesn't matter if I would stay. What matters is if you want to stay. You don't need an excuse to leave. What are you doing about the communication breakdown?

RedAndYellowStripe · 10/02/2017 10:09

It depends as to why there is no sex.
Is it illness, is the dcs and being knackered, is it that you had a very bad time with disagreements but managed to pull through and what is left is this no sex situation etcetc

I would also add, are you intimate in any other ways, was sex before 'making love' as in intimate affair or just 'having sex' as in a physical stuff with little regard for the other person pleasure?
How good was sex in the first place?

Stats are actually showing that people who still have sex regularly (2 or 3 times a week) have good sex and enjoy it. People who have sex once a month have poor quality sex (read the woman doesn't get off and gets little pleasure from it).

So many possibilities as to why it happens. And therefore so many possibilities as to whether it's possible to live together with no or little sex or if you are just friends/co-parent.

fleuricle · 10/02/2017 10:10

I spent 10 years in a marriage with my husband telling me I was frigid.

I am now single and find that, actually, I have a very high sex drive.

For us, the problem was, if it didn't end in sex he was not interested in intimacy (either physical or emotional). For me, it was hard to want sex if I didn't feel 'connected' with him.

OP, do you just not have SEX or do you not have any intimacy left?

RedAndYellowStripe · 10/02/2017 10:11

Fwiw I would have much more issue with a lack of intimacy in a relationship than lack of sex.
And it's totally possible to have no intimacy at all whilst still having sex.

RedAndYellowStripe · 10/02/2017 10:15

Yes it is worth remembering that sex is nowhere the only way to get intimacy in a relationship.
Actually I would say that it's the intimacy you get outside of having sex that is the real glue In a relationship. Sometimes sex is used as a quick fix to get intimacy wo putting the effort in establishing real, deep intimacy. It's doesn't work.

And as for sex is a need that we all have. It's not. A lot of people do not have sex life and are very happy (I'm thinking people who are single there not in an unhappy relationship with no sex). It's not a right.
Also worth remembering before resentment sets in because 'I ought to be able to have sex'

fleuricle · 10/02/2017 10:31

RedAndYellowStripe
I have found your 2 posts above so helpful I have just emailed them to myself.
Thank you so much.x

Original poster

Francks · 10/02/2017 22:05

Very thoughtful replies. Thank you all, a lot to ponder.

OP posts:

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