If you never have sex...

[Francks]

Never ever I mean. Like a handful of times in 10 years and not at all for several more. Is that still a relationship? It feels like friends to me (or frenemies, sometimes). Or co-parents. But my OH was devastated when I said it feels like that. But surely... she must do too. I don't know how you can think otherwise.
Would you stay with someone you never sleep with, other than for the DC?

I came on to post something quite similar. DH and I have never really had a brilliant sex life but it has now diminished to almost nothing and I am dying inside. I feel so rejected, so unloved and so bored.

He hates oral sex (giving it) so I'm facing the rest of my life without that. We occasionally have ordinary sex but it's a bit like a business transaction. I'm not sure I can do this forever but every other aspect of our lives is perfect. We are well off, good jobs, lovely home, a shared history and an amazing wonderful young DS.

I am not sure if the trade-off of the wonderful life is worth it for a sexless life. What if I gave it all up and never found another partner? Or never found one as lovely in every other respect? What if the break up was hugely detrimental to my son? It's such a lot to risk just because I don't currently feel sexy and wanted.

Sorry OP, I don't know. But you're not alone.

Oh blackbird. Exactly.

Blackbird and Francks - I was where you are. Long term marriage with very little sex during which we somehow managed to conceive two wonderful DC but otherwise survived as friends.

This wasn't my decision but due to my own insecurities I accepted it, and somehow convinced myself that it didn't matter.

Over the years attempts were made to reignite things - sometimes successfully on holiday which always gave me hope that things would improve when we returned home - but it was never sustained.

So to last year, my husband of 17 years (together 24) decided that (not having) sex with me wasn't enough and he needed to seek it elsewhere.

I'm not sure how this will help you, other than to say that living in a sexless marriage will ultimately drive you apart, through the feelings of either one of you unless you really communicate with each other.

And I should add that I have (during the heartbreak of separation) been completely driven by my newly rediscovered libido and had some absolutely fantastic sex which has almost restored my belief in the power of the whole physical side of relationships which I had previously written off.

Update. Still pondering, grateful for any views (be gentle!)
So the state of our relationship is basically this:

• We run the house well together, fair division of household labour

- Together social life is fun, though we have a lot less time for it than either of us would like (because we have mainly mutual friends) – probably one thing a week usually. - Separate social lives – DP sees friends once or twice a week. Me less frequently (once a month?) but I do other hobby stuff – once or twice a week – as well. - At home we mostly get on ok, with frustrations. Sometimes we argue. Sometimes I lose my temper and swear at her. Sometimes she gets depressed and arsey and is really difficult to live with. We cannot talk about serious subjects without arguing. - Generally on holiday we have a good time, and on days out with the DC – as a whole family we are generally good and have fun. Though sometimes the cracks show and sometimes the DC end up kind of protecting us from each other. Which is awful. - At bedtime we each read our own things, do facebook or whatever. We don’t talk much at that time of day, or not happily. We sleep in the same bed, but not touching and the bed is huge. DP always wears headphones and listens to something wordy, so at that falling asleep time I feel completely cut off from her. So much so that I’d rather have my own room. - We are not physically intimate. We sometimes kiss to show affection, or hug. Never anything more. No desire, no sex. - We have talked seriously about splitting up, and whether we would both be better off apart. Logically it would seem so. And yet, something is holding us together and it is not just inertia, because the urge to run has sometimes been great, for both of us. But the imagined reality of actually splitting is always upsetting and we revert to one more try each time

I honestly can't work out if being together is better than being apart and I don't know what to do.

Whose choice is the lack of sex though? Assuming it's not yours, is there any possibility that she believes that it's mutual? Have you told her (calmly, not during an argument) that her headphones bother you?

It sounds fixable to me - if you both want to. Have you considered counselling or a marriage course?

Please don't swear at her

Hi Francs I was in a similar situation about 18 months ago, various reasons, work, health and DC I honestly thought my life was set to be without sex and intimacy forever, I could see the time when the DC left home and we would be stuck together.

So, this is what DH and I did, I told DH I was really unhappy and maybe we needed a break, DH was devestated even though we had not had sex for months he really wanted to try to work things out, the sexless side was due to me I had lost interest I'm not really sure why. I just got lazy and didn't bother I kept knocking DH,s advances back until he stopped initiating it at all which made me feel even worse.

We had a really frank and painful discussion about what we wanted and where we wanted to go, we decided to start by introducing date night, kids went to bed early and we got dressed up, I started to see what first attracted me to DH and made an effort to do nice things for him, run a bath, leave him notes get his fave food/drink, it was hard and awkward at first but it got easier and we have not looked back, we are so happy now we still have to work at the relationship and we still argue but, we make time and effort for each other, if we feel things slipping we talk to each other and get back on track.

Not sure if this is any help but I know how you are feeling and it is possible to change it but it requires a lot of work, good luck and in answer to your question I could live without sex but not intimacy that's just friendship.

We had counselling for a year but we still argue about anything that is not about DC, arrangements, practical stuff. I think the no sex is mutual. I used to miss it but now I don't want it. We are basically good friends who co-parent well but have lost all intimacy. It won't come back because we can't talk about stuff (irreconcilable opposing views).

I think the general advice of more intimacy and more communication still stands as the bedrock and essential prerequisite to a better relationship and resuming a sex life. Have you spoken to her over the last week about what she thinks?

You sound like you have fun with others and not just the two of you, so when you are both in of an evening, try to stay away from contentious topics and make sure you have a good 20 minute sit down and chat/listen about something light. Maybe in bed before she puts her headphones on? Hold her hand as you do so?

And try not to shout and swear at her, that is (for me) one of the most repellant things that can be done. If my dp does that it sets the dial [of my enthusiasm for rekindling things] right back to zero again where it stays for a week or so.

Counselling sounds like it would help you two.

Please don't swear at her

She's not a child ffs

shes not a child ffs

No, quite! I wouldn't swear at them! She swears at me too, we have huge rows. I only said that because I was trying to describe us fighting, shouting at each other etc. But of course I know you right. Neither of us should behave like that, ever.

Reading all your responses is making me realise that perhaps I don't want to find a way back to 'us' at all. :(

I'm sorry Francks. I think you lose the "bond" without sex. I couldn't be in a relationship without it.

What sort of topics do you have irreconcilable opposing views on?

We cannot talk about serious subjects without arguing.
You've got nothing without good communication over the stuff that matters.
I'd suggest counselling, but you've already had a year of it...
Unless you both want to learn to communicate well and will prioritise it, I think you're better splitting up. In fact, the way you describe your relationship you sound like one of those couples who have split up but are still under the same roof for practical reasons (sorry).

It does sound like the relationship has run its course if you really can't communicate, it sounds really sad because you seem like you still want to work things out. Have you asked dp if she wants to split? this is what I said to DH I was very blunt as I had nothing left to loose, it was at that point we realised we did want to work on it, like I said before we both had to say and do things that were not easy but needed to get to where we are today.

How old are your DC you may have said I had a really bad night with ds 7 so very sleep deprived.

Nuff said sam
It's still a relationship. It's not a sexual relationship. You can have a deep and rewarding relationship without sex, like you do with your parents/friends/children/siblings. It's for you to decide what you want though.

Fwiw

red and yellow stripe
It's still a relationship. It's not a sexual relationship. You can have a deep and rewarding relationship without sex, like you do with your parents/friends/children/siblings. It's for you to decide what you want though.

I would have much more issue with a lack of intimacy in a relationship than lack of sex. And it's totally possible to have no intimacy at all whilst still having sex.

Actually I would say that it's the intimacy you get outside of having sex that is the real glue In a relationship. Sometimes sex is used as a quick fix to get intimacy without putting the effort in establishing real, deep intimacy. It's doesn't work.

And as for sex is a need that we all have. It's not. A lot of people do not have sex life and are very happy (I'm thinking people who are single there not in an unhappy relationship with no sex). It's not a right.

All of these ^

You would be shocked OP, at the amount of couples who no longer have sex; some a bit younger - like close to middle age, and some who are older. And just because you think everyone is having amazing sex 3 times a day, and just because some people SAY they are; that doesn't MEAN they are.

People who try and make people feel like freaks and 'not normal' because they don't have sex in their relationships, are no better than people who try and make people feel like freaks if they choose to remain child free or if they have never travelled abroad, or if they don't have a television. Judgemental, narrow-minded, 'well if I do it and you don't then you can't be normal' types.

I feel sorry for men who read magazines and watch certain types of films, and think they should be going at it for 1.5 hours every time they have sex, and their penis should be 10" long ... When in reality, (after foreplay,) most men pull the ripcord after an average of 5-10 minutes, and the average penis size (full on) is 5.5."

I also disagree wholeheartedly that the only way you can possibly achieve intimacy and closeness in a relationship is by shagging. As has been said above, there are many more ways of being close, and plenty of couples who don't have sex are soulmates who are deeply in love. Also, there are people who shag constantly whose relationship is almost non existent. Look at the people on Jeremy Kyle and their 'relationships;' they shag within a minute of meeting, shag every time they meet, but don't even know each other's birthdays or middle names.

I have known a few couples over the years who always bragged about their sex life, but did sod all else together, and knew very little about one another. One woman I knew at work once claimed her and her bloke shagged 10-12 times a week, and after a year and a half together, she discovered he has not even told his family she existed! Make of that what you will lol.

At the end of the day though, it has to be between the couple. If one of you is unhappy with no sex, (or very little,) then it's not going to work is it? If you are both on board with having no sex, then fuck what everyone else thinks.

I am a woman in a sexless relationship (nearly 5 years since we DTD). I am trying to work through whether it's worth splitting up, or not. Neither option seems particularly attractive. I do not think life will necessarily be better for me if we split up, and certainly for the DC.

Having been divorced previously & single (when young & attractive) there wasn't a lot of sex out there. I'm now middle-aged & overweight. I feel as sexy as a sack of spuds.

It's difficult to maintain any kind of closeness without sex. I feel very distant & disengaged from him. Part of me has checked out of the relationship. I do not think we will ever have sex again, and I cannot see things starting after so long.

I'm thinking of having some counselling on my own to work out what to do.

A lot to think about here excellent posts

The more you write the more it sounds like the lack of intimacy is a symptom of the disconnect between you as a couple. If neither of you are willing or capable of getting that back, then your relationship will deteriorate further. It's time to piss or get of the pot, better to part now while you can still bear the sight of each other. Break ups suck but staying in a dying relationship suck much worse, especially for the children.