Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Lovely man but complicated (age gap, distance)

75 replies

evuscha · 09/02/2017 22:57

I had my share of men that were less than ok, didn't want committment, were not into me, I was not into them, etc. I'm almost 30 and I think I know by now what a good guy looks like.

I finally met a good one 8 months ago and everything has been perfect, we're in touch every day, share a lot of interests, he is kind, considerate, looks after me and we get on really well, met each other's friends, basically things are going well.

But, in fact two but's:

he is 18 years older, it doesn't feel like it now, he is sporty and we're about the same when it comes to going out. But I understand things can change later on and the age gap can become more obvious?
I live in London and he lives in LA. We met here when he was visiting and have been meeting up every 6 weeks for about a week at time, but going forward one of us will have to move. I guess it will be me and it's a huge thing to move continents

I'm not sure what I'm asking, just trying to get my head around it and perhaps hear some stories, age gap or long distance related? Thank you so much.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 10/02/2017 19:40

if I have some sort of promise that things might work out and thst I can still go to see my family and friends back home, I would do it
Even if he is very well off, how will that work if you have children? How often will you want / be able to go on an intercontinental flight with a small child or baby (or two), if one of you is a SAHP and not earning? If you break up, are you prepared to stay in the US so that the kids are near their dad? Will you visit every year for the next 20 years, until the kids are independent?

It is still early days and at the same time 8 months in I don't want to waste too much time (also being almost 30 and childless)
Look up "sunk cost fallacy"... if you weren't 30 and childless, would you really be contemplating this?

perfectlybroken · 10/02/2017 19:40

Good men not could men!

Original poster

evuscha · 10/02/2017 20:06

perfectly broken thank you!! If he wasn't so much nicer than the others I've dated, I wouldn't be trying this hard to make it work, it's just that he does feel right for me. I'm still not upping and moving without thinking but equally I don't want to just give up without considering the options.

Re: sunk cost fallacy I think it's the other way round. I am not with him because I would rather be with him than alone. If I was younger, I would totally move - because if I had more time to get to know him before having kids and it didn't work out, I could come back and still have plenty of time to meet others. This way I want the best possible man for myself and to have a family with soon, so moving countries is more risky as I don't have too much time.

OP posts:

Original poster

evuscha · 10/02/2017 20:29

And yeah it also makes me consider it because I would be facing similar issues even if I met a guy here anyway. I would have to stay in the UK until the kids grow up (I love it now but that might change, living in London as a young single person with a career is one thing but having childcare costs to pay or being a stay at home mum is another).....I would still be far from my family (sure, shorter flight but still a flight with airport hassle etc) which is something I accepted when moving here. My kids would still grow up with 2 nationalities and languages.

I am trying to look at it from all angles, I know I mostly present the "in favour" ones but I think many of you summed up the ones against and I am aware of those. (just worried you think I only want to hear yes, because that's not true)

OP posts:

Surreyblah · 10/02/2017 21:56

It's not romantic to think it's hard to find a good man, it's cynical.

user1486613612 · 11/02/2017 04:43

Maybe you're rationalising too much. Toss a coin, heads = go, tails = break and stay. If you feel annoyed with the outcome and want it to be heads, when it came out as tails, or vice versa, then you know what you truly want to do.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 11/02/2017 05:17

I would consider moving in your shoes, if you can secure a permit to work there.
You have only been in the uk a year and it sounds like you could have a good career in the US.

How would you secure a work visa? Would you need to get married?
How important is your uk job? Could you take a few months sabbatical?
What is the longest you could stay in US as a tourist to try living together? Could the two of you support you financially to stay for a few months?

I definitely wouldn't have children until I was confident in the relationship, married and happy with living in the US.

Original poster

evuscha · 11/02/2017 12:27

Good idea user1486613612 the problem is that in my heart I would move, but my head knows that all the issues the previous posters mentioned are very real and me resenting him wouldn't help the relationship. So I would still only move only if the issues are adressed, I can continue in my career, see my family etc. (it is still doable I think but very difficult)

I will still continue talking to him to see if he can move. I think it makes more sense even if we don't have a nice spacious house here (we could just live outside of London like many) and for his work it would be a step down (any idea if Americans can get work permits here?).
His parents live in Florida so to fly there from London is almost the same as LA (for me the difference would be huge), you get more annual leave here so I would be happy with him flying back home often...and I feel like I already compromise by never moving back to my home country? (unless Brexit..)

It will all go down to whatever is easier for either of us for work and this kind of practicalities. I really love him so I don't want to walk away just yet.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 11/02/2017 12:34

'I will still continue talking to him to see if he can move. I think it makes more sense even if we don't have a nice spacious house here (we could just live outside of London like many) and for his work it would be a step down (any idea if Americans can get work permits here?).'

Yes, they can get work permits here. The employer has to jump through some hoops, though.

You really cannot afford to be 'romantic' when it comes to this as it's not the same as a relationship between say, two EU nationals from different countries or different states or US and Canada.

It can also cost you a lot financially.

Original poster

evuscha · 11/02/2017 13:00

expatinscotland thanks! Yes I know and I agree with you - like I said I don't want to walk away just yet (but some deadline for working out a plan will be needed) but at the same time I wouldn't make any romantic moves without having that plan we are both happy with. Especially as I'm looking at this as potentially my final relationship and a man to have a family with, not really just a bit of fun and let's see what happens (if I was let's say 23 and I would be able to do a year off in LA that's a different story)

Thanks everyone for your input, I really appreciate it. I have my food for thought and I will see if anything can be done to work this out or not.

OP posts:

Original poster

evuscha · 11/02/2017 13:03

One final question: is it possible to apply for the US visa whilst still living here, or in other words have dual nationalities when married? So if we wanted to do a few years here and few years there, we could and we could still work in respective countries.. The work in my field is there too, but I wouldn't want to take a year off living there just waiting for a permit.

OP posts:

reup · 11/02/2017 13:18

A friend just got a green card through marriage not work. He had a student visa previously and he had to come back to the UK to apply - he couldn't do it from the states.

It's now easier for him to live and work there than the UK. Unless his wife got a job that organised a visa he would need to be earning over a certain amount for 6 months or have a huge amount in savings in order for her to come here.

MyheartbelongstoG · 11/02/2017 13:49

Go for it op!

Ethylred · 11/02/2017 15:57

OP, suppose you follow your heart and move to LA to be with him.

Now imagine that 2 years later the relationship has fallen apart and that you are alone in the US with no job and no right of residence.

MusicIsMedicine · 11/02/2017 21:43

Run! He will vampire away the best years of your life! Why the fuck would you want a guy that will be pretty much a pensioner when you're 40! You'll end up as his carer and he's certainly not going to be running around after any kiddies. Get rid. A man that age is taking advantage of your youth and inexperience. You could be his daughter. He is a predator. Look beyond the charm and find someone your own age who you can build a future with.

NoProbLlama · 12/02/2017 08:14

MusicMed - you sound like a moron. OP is 30 not 17 so her DP isn't a predator and he won't be a pensioner when she's 40 - retirement age is 67 not 58!

MumBod's post was lovely. My stepMIL is 13 years younger than my FIL. After 13 very happy years together she is now 60 and PIL is still very fit and active at 73. She will probably be widowed one day but I know she wouldn't trade the years of love, fun, travel, companionship, support she's had with FIL for a longer marriage to someone closer in age.

Original poster

evuscha · 12/02/2017 10:05

Thank you NoProbLlama! I found that previous post quite offensive, exactly, it's not like I'm 17 or he is 30 years older. It doesn't even feel like he's 18 years older than me - he exercises, is in a good shape, looks maybe 10 years older and we like similar type of activities (music, movies..) and I don't even like late night partying anyway. Thinking about it, yes there is an age gap and it will probably show more in 20 years but I think I will also rather have 20 great years than 40 miserable ones with someone my age. Thinking about it more, a friend's husband who is just a few years older is already having health issues and she may end up looking after him very soon. There are just no guarantees.
In the end I think this age gap is not an issue for me - especially as he doesn't have children which would change the dynamic I guess.

OP posts:

NoProbLlama · 12/02/2017 13:17

Whatever you decide, OP, I wish you luck and hope you'll come back and up date us.

Original poster

evuscha · 12/02/2017 13:24

Thank you I will!

OP posts:

user1486613612 · 12/02/2017 14:10

Which country are you from, originally? I seem to recall you mentioning you have another nationality. It might be important to consider, too?

Original poster

evuscha · 12/02/2017 18:29

Yes I am - without revealing too much it's another EU country.

OP posts:

MusicIsMedicine · 15/02/2017 18:59

A pensioner is 60. Retirement age is different.

No need to be offended, it was a simple statement of experience both mine and others.

That said, some people enjoy being carers in later life. If you like that sort of thing, you crack on.

MummysMaison · 15/02/2017 19:19

I can't advise on the distance as my now DH lived only an hour away for me but we have an age gap of 22 years. It's never been an issue for me, in my eyes age is just a number. My ex was the same age as me and a w*nker.

Ohyesiam · 15/02/2017 22:32

I've spent my life trusting my feelings, and making leaps of faith. I really know that love is redemptive. Its worked really well for me, I've had quite an unconventional life, and have ended up now with the things I really value.
I don't usually talk about my life in these terms, or advertise my eccentricity, but I wanted to put forward to you that its possible.
Even of you are not the sort of person who finds it easy to trust your instincts, steer away from making decisions that are based on your fears.
Wishing you much happiness whatever you decide.

MusicIsMedicine · 17/02/2017 02:22

ohyesiam you sound interesting

Flip

1 2 3