Lovely man but complicated (age gap, distance)

[evuscha]

I had my share of men that were less than ok, didn't want committment, were not into me, I was not into them, etc. I'm almost 30 and I think I know by now what a good guy looks like.

I finally met a good one 8 months ago and everything has been perfect, we're in touch every day, share a lot of interests, he is kind, considerate, looks after me and we get on really well, met each other's friends, basically things are going well.

But, in fact two but's:

• he is 18 years older, it doesn't feel like it now, he is sporty and we're about the same when it comes to going out. But I understand things can change later on and the age gap can become more obvious?
• I live in London and he lives in LA. We met here when he was visiting and have been meeting up every 6 weeks for about a week at time, but going forward one of us will have to move. I guess it will be me and it's a huge thing to move continents

I'm not sure what I'm asking, just trying to get my head around it and perhaps hear some stories, age gap or long distance related? Thank you so much.

I always feel a bit sad when I read posts that say 'Do you really want to care for a man in his 70s when you are only in your 50s?'

That's true. I've got three female friends in their mid-40s (I'm 46) who are married to men in their mid-60s and the men are all in better shape.

No one can see the future, it's entirely possible that these men will be carers in the future.

Similarly, I've got female friends in their 60s who are in much better shape than I am.

I'm really glad the opinions are varied as it sums up perfectly how I feel!

Just to make it clear, it won't be the case of me deciding right now that I'm moving and leaving my life behind. It will still take a lot of research on my side to explore all these issues, insurance, job, ability for me to come back to Europe, potential children (no stepchildren involved) and hopefully some sort of a trial period living together and me visiting there a few times to see if I could enjoy living there....basically I am not deciding through emotions alone, I really want to think it through before deciding either way.

I agree age is much less of an issue but the distance is. On one side people follow their partners to much crazier / culturally different countries...on the other hand I know giving up everything and sitting at home is not my thing so I need to make it work if I do move.

You've got your head screwed on about work.
Are you sure it has to be you that moves?

I would look into the options for you to work over there. Not just coast along with doing your current work from home there - but whether you can develop your career there.

Are there any ways you can work there temporarily?

I'm thinking that Trump's "hire American, buy American" isn't exactly going to work in your favour.

Work is the key thing here. You have to be able to 'try him out' without compromising your work.

If not, practicality sinks this one. There really are other men out there, and if this one has been good - it will have improved your standards for the next one.

There simply isn't only one man out there for you - and I think moving to LA (if you're not keen) being stuck there if you have kids and break up, the potential age gap issues and possibly messing up your work opportunities is pretty good reason to go find another one.

Male fertility declines with age, which as well as problems ttc (where even when the problem is male fertility it's still the woman who has the fertility intervention) can cause miscarriages, so having DC might be an issue.

I would never, ever want to have DC in a country where, should my relationship break down, I'd be permanently stuck.

Nope, I wouldn't take this any further (sorry).

I had a long distance relationship, we met up about every 6 weeks. He was 13 years younger than me (not really relevant, as we were very compatable). Found out he had another GF, in his home town. I appreciate this colours my view, but ask yourself, do you really think he is only having sex once every 6 weeks?

Aside from this, my other thoughts are:

1. You will be leaving friends and family behind.

2. If you do have children with him, he will be about 50 when your first is born (presuming you would wait a year or two, before ttc, to ensure the relationship was solid). In my opinion, that's far too old to be becoming a parent. I know many will disagree, but he would likely not see your children in to adulthood.For contrast, I am 47 and DH is 44, and our children are already adults and have left home.

3. You will face your old age alone

4. If you do settle there, and have kids, but then later divorce, you will have to stay in USA forever....you won't be able to bring kids back to the UK, as they would be too far from their Dad...and you won't come back here once the kids are grown, because believe me, you won't want to be that far away from your kids and grandkids.

It's a shame, because I sense you do want it to work. But I think there are too many stumbling blocks. You've never even lived together, so you don't really know him.

Please listen to the last two posts. And I say that as someone who moved here 15 years ago because I wanted to. I love it here, I love my British/Scottish life and I'm happy to have had our children here. My children, naturally, are very different from me in many respects and a great deal of that is that, of course, they have had a very different upbringing in a different country. Should my marriage end, I'd stay here because I love it here, this is my home. BUT, big but, if I wanted to go back to the States adn take the kids I could only do so with permission of my spouse/ex spouse.

In the time I've been here I've known countless Ameri-Brit couples and Aussi/Kiwi-Brit couples and S.African-Brit couples. The ones who are still here and happy, it's because the spouse who moved loves the UK as much as their spouse in many cases. They love their British lives. Even if their marriages ended from divorce or death, they'd stay here.

The changes are large. Things have got better, but the changes are still very major. It's going to be extremely difficult to 'try out living together' for either of you due to visa restrictions (unless one or both of you is a dual national) and again, for couples like us, yes, it means getting married quickly, especially if pregnant due to nationality issues.

DH and I wanted kids straightaway, but because of visa/nationality issues, we married first and DD1 was born 13 months later. We both knew this would have to be so. We just couldn't do the try out living together. It's a luxury not afforded to many non-EU/UK couples.

LA is far. It really is. I travel back to my native city of Houston with the kids every Summer. It's still a 9 hour flight from London (we usually go through Amsterdam, so it's 10 hours). And LA is hours more on top of that. It is far. And tbh, I wouldn't move there for a king's ransom. It's one of several states you couldn't pay me enough to move to.

This guy cannot and will not move. So this is a no-brainer. You'd be taking serious and quite foolish risk to move there and especially have a child there.

'In my opinion, that's far too old to be becoming a parent. I know many will disagree, but he would likely not see your children in to adulthood.For contrast, I am 47 and DH is 44, and our children are already adults and have left home.'

Honestly, that's a really ridiculous generalisation. I'm 46. My youngest is 8-years-old and my eldest near 14 (middle child is 11). Some of us didn't have the luxury of having babies in our 20s .

And none of us knows when we'll die. You're basically stating this man will die before he's 68, when his life expectancy in the US is 78 and again, it's an average.

I have male friends 10 to 20 years older than I am who are in better shape than I am. Plenty of them.

Another thing to consider for you is if you move for trial would you lose your accumulated length of stay to become British residency? What if as Brexit looms you won't be able to get back to UK at all in 2 years time due to visa changes? it may be one way ticket after all.

OP isn't British!

Thank you everyone and I promise I am listening and taking it on board and I really cannot thank you enough for your personal experiences and advice.

Before giving up on this completely - because he is genuinely a nice guy and I know you say there are many but I just have not met them - I want to see if we can work out a reasonable compromise, taking turns in living in each other's countries or maybe him reconsidering the option of moving here (he didn't say plain no, it just seems more logical on paper as he earns more and has a house there and we have nothing here) - but no I wouldn't move if that means all the bad things for me.

What happens if I give birth in Europe and then we live in the US for some time? Does the same restriction of moving apply?

No I'm not British and I don't have residency. I'm an EU national and moved here with work a year ago. So he wouldn't get the visa easily through me and maybe I won't be able to stay either!

Honestly, that's a really ridiculous generalisation. I'm 46. My youngest is 8-years-old and my eldest near 14 (middle child is 11). Some of us didn't have the luxury of having babies in our 20s

Yes, but he would be 50 when first is born (at best). You were 32 when you had your first, which I think is fine. So, if they have 3 children, with the same age gaps as you, by the time his children are 8, 11 and 14, he will be 64. That's a totally different ball game to 46. I doubt he would see this youngest child beyond it reaching his/her 20's.

Scotland is the best!

'What happens if I give birth in Europe and then we live in the US for some time? Does the same restriction of moving apply?'

Yes because the child is a US national via their father. If you move to the US, he can legally keep the children there. You'd have to go to court. Even worse, if you don't have residency, it's possible you may be removed from the country and have to leave your children there if he does not give you permission to take them.

How did you meet OP?

TBH, the age factor wouldn't be so much of an issue for me as the distance. And that would be a deal-breaker. But for me, distance would have been something we talked about very early into the relationship, before even embarking on a relationship even, because there is IMO no point being in a relationship with someone who lives 3000 miles away if you know there is never any chance of a future.

It sounds as if you are settled here, he is settled there, and given changes in America now moving to be together is not going to be an easy ride. FWIW I do know people who have moved to/from America to be together, but even then it's not plain sailing. One couple I know are married as she came over on a fiancé visa, but even after marriage she still only has a three year visa to live here and then will have to apply for permanent residence. So even though she is currently living here, is married to her partner, there are still no guarantees that she'll be allowed to stay here in the long-term. Is that the kind of relationship you want? Living from visa to visa and always hoping for permanency?

And I'd second everything that @expatinscotland said. It's one thing to move to a country when you want to go and live there. It's quite another to move somewhere to marry someone you've only ever seen during holidays and good times, and not be able to try out living together because restrictions don't allow it.

It's hard enough living with someone for the first time even when you know each other well and have spent considerable time together. But moving in with someone when you have no friends, no family, no support network in the area and that person is the only reason you're there and it turns out you want to kill each other after a week because he doesn't take out his cups and leaves clothes all over the floor and you're insistent on the house being tidy is a whole different matter. You'll have no-one to vent to when you have your first argument. No friends to go out with for some time of your own. No support network if you have a baby. Having a baby is hard enough as it is, more so in a foreign country with no support network.

FWIW I am in a long distance relationship but he only lives three hours away. But four years in I've had enough of living apart and want us to live together. But I can't move from here because of my DS, and he can't move from there because he can't get work here. And now my DS has said he wants to stay in London when he goes to uni so my plans of potentially moving when he leaves school have just taken a hit as well. I have no intentions of leaving the relationship, but I do wonder whether I would have done things differently if I'd known then what I know now, and we're in the same country.

This is still early days for you OP. It's far better for you to end this relationship now than a couple of years down the line when you've exhausted all avenues of being together and are going to get your heart broken.

And for people who say that if you want it badly enough you can make it happen, that's simply not true. Life just doesn't always work like that.

I am in a very similar situation. My partner is in Australia, I live in the UK but I have right to remain in the UK and was not born here. However i do have right to reside in Australia if I want to. I have children born int he Uk and a soon to be ex husband who is British.

it is very complicated and i don't believe that this can work out long term. But as long as I am enjoying the long distance thing i am sticking with it. I don't think I have anything to lose right now. I feel happy with it.

My children will be leaving home in 3-5 years so maybe then I could consider moving. he is also in position that he could consider travelling here as often as he wants.

But one option I have thought of that would work for us is six months in each location per year. He has a business here he could run for 6 months of the year and i work freelance and my work can follow me anywhere.

But nothing is perfect in these situations. Someone will compromise. I would happily move to Australia if I didn't have the children as I can't take them away from their dad. You just have to be sure you are happy to be the one making the compromise

Also the age thing really doesn't matter.

Thank you once again. I know we have a lot of discussions to have and see if we can find a solution or have to let it go.

How we met - in a bar in London when he was visiting some friends here last summer. We of course started it as just a fun thing, travel buddies and fun dates, but realized we actually have feelings for each other and are quite well suited - as much as you can tell from week-long visits and chats over whatsapp and skype..

To be fair, if you are an EU citizen and have only been in the UK a year, the situation is slightly different in that presumably you would only be leaving recent friends and acquaintance and also if you dated a British/any nationality other than your own guy you would potentially have a similar problem. But presumably there are reasons why you wanted to be in the UK to begin with. And LA is a lot further from nearly anywhere than London.

pseudonymph yeah exactly, my family and my old friends are back in my home country, to be fair it's easy enough to visit and I go every 3 months, it would more difficult from the US for sure but I am used to being away from home, making new friends, starting somewhere new.
I love the UK and living in London - it might change with having kids, not being able to afford a house, Brexit - I might have to make changes anyway. It's just easier and still one continent - I have never considered the US for that reason mainly. Workwise both the UK and US are great for my career (I work in tech/software so Sillicon Valley type of companies also) - but the work permit is an issue there and not here (for now).

You need a Plan B, no matter how many talks you have or agreements you make. I have known many who talked, worked it all out, etc., the one party makes the move and the whole thing falls apart and the mover is fucked. It's not 'romantic' to consider all this, but it's a must and practical. Children can put a huge strain on relationships, and when you have international custody issues, even more so. Permanent residency as the spouse of an EU/EEA or UK national used to be a lot easier to get (when I first moved here) but now? I wouldn't dare have a child here unless I had that first. Visa processes are complicated, so keep ALL records - airfare you paid out, ticket stubs, bank statements, etc. Be very careful that when you go to visit, it's JUST that. My husband keeps his ETSA valid and it's easy enough when we go and visit because we go as a married couple and family and three of us are dual nationals. People tell horror stories about US entry but we've never had a problem. My son has autism and they've always been very good about accommodating him but I always bring his diagnostic report (he has one from a US paed as well). Family courts do take the concerns of both parents into consideration, even when one is foreign, but the overwhelming duty is to the child. One famous example, Halle Berry wanted to move her daughter, who was born to her and a Canadian/US national in the US, to France. Her ex, the father, took her to court to stop the move and she lost. Madonna is another one. She tried to keep her teenage son in the US when he wanted to go and live with his British father in the UK. He is now living in London. Another American actress who was married to a German man followed foolish counsel and attempted to obstruct her ex-husband's access to the children via getting his visa blocked. He sued and the children are now living with him in Europe.

Ok, admittedly you're now in the UK and already away from family/friends/support, and as such I can see why you're thinking that you moving is the better option, given you've already relocated once and leaving your support network behind hasn't been such a big deal in the scheme of things.

But the reality here is that you have no idea whether you will be compatible living together. You weren't considering the US for work purposes before so the idea of considering it for the purpose of a relationship seems as if you're potentially going to be jumping heart first into something iyswim.

Also, while age isn't an issue in terms of being together, at 48 he's never been married and now you're talking marriage after just eight months? I'd be wondering whether he's just saying that because he doesn't want to lose you at this stage. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with him per se, clearly you know him better than we do and you say he's communicative, attentive etc, and I don't necessarily think that no kids etc at 48 is a red flag, but never been married before and now talking about it would set my alarm bells ringing along the lines of that he's saying what he thinks you want to hear.

You don't actually get to know someone that well long distance IMO. They haven't had to make many day to day compromises, to fit in a relationship.

If you have tech skills that could potentially make visas etc, living there a while, getting back into the UK, easier.

At 30, fertility is becoming a factor for you (and his is a big one for him given his age), so if you want DC you don't necessarily have years and years to wait. Many women have DC much older with or without fertility challenges, but some can't.

I'd seriously be thinking that he needs to find a way to stay here for a bit. Again, I do know many couples who have made this work, but just as many where it hasn't worked out and one couple who relocated to the US with two children, he (British) ended up having an affair at work and they divorced and he's now living there, presumably for the foreseeable future, as the kids are settled there. One big difference is that he's a Londoner and they are in Boston, so only a 6 hour flight away. I know another woman, a Kiwi, who has been living in Scotland now for 10 years following splitting up with her British ex as they have a son together. She's not altogether happy about it, but as she said, 'This is what can happen when you chose to have a child in an international relationship.'

As Wanna points out, it's far easier when you wanted to live there even before you met the person or fell in love with it when you went there and came to realise the whole package is for you.

My husband is Scottish British, and his ways of thinking were different from mine in many ways, as are my children's. In our case, however, he was 7 years younger so being unmarried at 24 didn't raise any alarm bells.

Don't worry too much about the age gap, but the fact that living on two continents ... hmm ... but the key is that you say you aren't British and perhaps that changes things for you. Personally I can't imagine leaving my home country. You would probably have to abandon your career and be a stay-at-home mum for a while, that's my guess.

He had long term relationships that just never resulted in a marriage, and he's not proposing to me now, it's just something we would have to do sooner or later for visa and we both would be ok with. No red flags there. For me it's the career, the need to see my family/friends sometimes and the getting to know each other that are the main issues and something to figure out. I think him living here at least for a while would be the best option, yeah.
I am trying to find a way to make it work and I wouldn't move without it - I'm really taking all this on board and it's really helpful.

I think I'm more of romantic than many on this thread! I don't think could men are easy to come by and if I was you and you really feel he's right for you I'd be prepared to sacrifice a lot for that. My husband and I are close in age but I kind of feel age is a bit irrelevant. It could be you that gets ill and he be caring for you, whatever your ages. Dh and I are from different countries and cultures. I would say that marriage is hard, and so any extra complications will only make it harder, and you need to be prepared for that. That has been my experience but I still wouldn't change the decision I made.