Advice on contact on dd birthday

[Littlefrogletx]

Hi, I need some advice, my abusive ex is asking to see my DD7 on her birthday.
It is not a contact day, he will be at work all day, doesn't have a set finish time and Intended to take her out for her tea late afternoon, evening.
He is abusive and police were involved various times, he was served a harassment order but still is a clever bastard about everything.
I am in no way comfortable allowing him further into my property than the cul de sac I live on.
He is manipulative with the kids, he has made at least 6 malicious calls to SS, if I refuse to allow him to see her it will probably result in another report.
What on earth should I do?

Ignore him. Just don't reply.

He is abusive and is dangerous as he doesn't respond to harassment orders.

Let him call SS, it'll reflect more on him than you.

Ignore him and do not reply. He is simply using his daughter as further punishment for you leaving him.

If you give in on this it will never end.

Ignore him. No dilemma.

Do you have any kind of agreement /court order in place ? If so does it specify contact on special days like birthdays?
If you have an order in place and it specifies set days and /or birthdays etc then you comply as per the order.
If not then don't.
If you say it's not his normal day and you have nothing in place regards birthdays then you are under no obligation to allow contact. Particularly if it's a school night and whatever he is suggesting isn't convenient in respect of where it takes place and /or times (bed time etc)

If you're feeling kind and it fits in with bed times etc you could agree a FaceTime /Skype call at a specific time,

There is no court order, he threatened court until he realised it would cost him.
I was I'm the process of emailing him and he has rung my DS11, asked to speak to DD and started saying me and mummy are emailing and she won't let me see you. I grabbed the phone and told him he should not be discussing this with her. We hadn't even tried to come to an arrangement before he rang them.
Now both kids are upset and he's emailing saying he's fighting for his kids and he is in no way abusive.
I've offered Monday or weds, her birthday is tues.
I've just had a panic attack at just hearing his voice.

Just email offering Monday or Wednesday but saying you will be forced to withdraw the offer if he continues to behave inappropriately by bullying or trying to emotionally abuse the DCs. End of. I know your pain. Don't let him get away with stunts like this. As there is no court order you are under no obligation to arrange contact.

It's awful.
He's awful.
I mean ringing them guilt tripping isn't right is it?

Of course he is awful and trying to guilt trip them. It's not about your DC having a lovely birthday. It's about him winning.

I doubt everything, he reduced me to that.
Another member made a comment on another thread that really hit home. I dont even believe its abuse because he says so.
That's ridiculous isn't it

It's just normal after being in an abusive relationship. You have to unlearn it, which takes time, and you need peace and quiet, which the ex aims to deny you.

It's the bad mouthing he does to them that pisses me off.
All he says to me is I'm manipulating them. I dont even talk about him to them. I cant bear to even say his name.
The only contact I can allow him to have with me is a separate email address, he still upsets me with his nastiness.
I can not get away from it.

Oh I'm so with you. My ex, abusive bullying nasty piece of work, left 3 years ago for ow. He has told me over and over and over I am trying to take kids off him, even though he was seeing them 6 days out of 7 every week, that the only thing that's made me take control and stand up to him was 3 weeks ago when ds came home and said his dad had hurt him. Even then I had to get a court order to stop him as trying to stop contact via solicitors letter resulted in him letting himself in to our home, shouting at my dc that I was a "nasty bully trying to turn them against him" and trying to attack me before taking my 5 yo without my permission and keeping him all night, texting me "you might have turned one but you aren't having them both". Stand up to him, you can't appease them, believe me I tried, but everything I did he just wanted more more more 💐

I'm sorry your dealing with that.
Its so upsetting.
He has tried every last method of control.
I have csa in place as I was receiving abusive calls about withholding money.
I am really thinking about contacting police again.
I just can't deal with him

The advice I had from the national centre for domestic violence was fab. They helped me apply for a non molestation order, I had to take it to court and see judge on my own which was scary but it has so far stopped him contacting me. For 2 weeks, for the first time in 3 years, I've been free of his nastiness. My order stops him contacting me by any means except via my solicitor. It also stops him going to the school though I think I only got that because he took my youngest. The ball is in his court now to take steps to apply for contact via the court and he'll need to evidence he is safe to have that. It's felt scary and I'm off work having panic attacks every day but I have at last took some. Intros back for the sake of my dcs.

Control not intros

I know you said you've had a harassment order before but is it worth trying again?

I'm going to ring 101 later.
I don't understand why he can just email me nasty stuff when we are emailing only about contact.
It's really upsetting

I just felt really fobbed off by police. If it had been physically abusive I think it would have been taken much more seriously.

Would the centre for domestic violence take me seriously.
I am in pieces again because of him.
He calls me names, calls me a bad mum a benefit cheat although I have ms and have been assessed by dwp.
He calls me fat even though I've lost weight and am I size 8, which is the thinnest I've ever been.
He says I dont have ms, I made it all up and manipulated my drs.
I know what he's done but I cant get past it.
I just want to never hear a nasty insult or an opinion of his on my parenting.
When SS were called, they called me and asked some v basic questions.
They didn't even want to visit me, they knew it was all malicious, this infuriated him more and he kept on.
The school was involved, they relayed to SS they had no concerns, the child protection officer called me in and spoke to me and said the same.
He told me that they were all lying and it was all part of some covert investigation.
This was all before I blocked him on every avenue other than a separate email address.
He was ringing my neighbours, my parents hiding in the garden, getting his friend to follow me.
I know he is full of shit but he still scares the life out of me.
8 months on I have nightmares, panic attacks and constant intrusive thoughts about him.
It's like he is in my head.
But if I tell anyone, I've been conditioned to believe I'm manipulating.
I dont know if anyone will believe me

Sounds horrendous. If you speak to the police you need a DV specialist, not just plod. It can be very disappointing being fobbed off. You need specialist help.

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. Can I suggest that all contact goes via a third party, due to his abusive behaviour.

You shouldn't have to deal with and it's clearly having a detrimental effect on you.

I don't know who the third party would be, but sometimes it might be a parent, or a mutual friend, but it

would mean he cannot email or contact you directly and vice versa.

Try and speak to Women's Aid about it and I'll ask a social wor

A social worker that I know, what she can suggest.

Thank you so much.
I'm laid here again tonight unable to sleep for more than half an hour at a time because I'm so scared of another outburst, or SS report or being called a bad mum.
I have nightmares about him.
He used to control me, call me names, gaslight, threaten to leave me at least once a week for 18 months.
We were together 14 yrs btw.
The abuse was emotional, financial and mental.
I have had flash backs of an incident where he hurt me in bed.
I played it down, he told me that he didnt mean it.
He has admitted, and I had discovered, but I have no proof that he sent v personal photos of me to a woman he was talking to online.
He treated me appallingly.
But he swears blind he is not abusive.
He even went to some organisation called men kind for support???
I've had nothing.
Through summer last year when it was at its peak after I left him in May, I had a relapse with my ms, I went blind in one eye, I had broken ribs after falling cos of poor co ordination ended up with a stomach ulcer cos of pain killers.
Every day was a struggle, but he Stoll calls me the worst mum in the world.
I bought all uniform alone as he withheld money.

Sorry, just felt good to get it off my chest