Need some advice on a difficult situation

[GinAndFrolics]

Hello, I'm a very long-time lurker but this is my first post. I've been debating for a while about posting for advice, but it's really come to a point now where I'm running out of ideas of what to do.

I'll try not to drip feed, so this might be a long one! Sorry.

My parents are both retired. DF took early retirement, but DM took voluntary redundancy around the same time. She didn't want to leave, but they were making big changes to her role which would have meant taking on twice the work load but in less hours, plus additional travel. I completely support her decision.

Unfortunately, the way things are now, it is particularly difficult for women in their forties and fifties to find employment. I've seen this with other family members and also with a couple of women I have worked with. It's a struggle - you become dependent on savings and your partner (if you have one) until you can claim your pension (which may be meagre if you took a career break to bring up a family). I really feel that something should be done to stop companies discriminating against employing women at this stage in their lives.

DM loved working and misses it a lot. DF always said when he took early retirement that he would do a few bits of private consultancy here and there. Despite being called up frequently, he never does any of it. He needs a rest apparently...even a few years on

DF has become unbelievably lazy. He does NOTHING. Sits on the computer or iPhone all day doing F all. He probably wouldn't even eat or go out if DM wasn't there.

Their relationship seems basically non-existent now (a number of reasons over a number of years). They spend the day in the same house but different rooms. I think a big thing is that DF just doesn't do anything for DM, and despite MANY conversations with him, he doesn't change.

DM has a couple of friends, but doesn't have any hobbies. This time of year seems to get her down anyway because of the weather. Over the past year I've been watching her sink into depression and she won't do anything about it. She refuses to seek professional help ("I don't want pills and telling someone how shit my life is won't help"), she won't even try any activities that I suggest to get her out of the house or occupied. She is isolating herself more and more.

I try to point out the good things, but she always finds a way to turn it around or say it's not enough. I know that it's illness speaking. I just don't feel equipped to deal with it.

Unfortunately I live in Europe now with soon to be DH (who is very supportive in all this), so can't even pop in as much as I'd like. We're here short-term for stbDH's job, but will be moving back next year or so to our house (still not near to DM though). I fly back at least one weekend per month. They have never come to visit me. I'm lucky that I am self-employed, so when I'm not with clients I do got back to the UK for a week or so and work from there to keep her company. Siblings live in the UK but the other side of the country. They visit when they can and call DM often. I do feel I'm taking on more of the burden than they are, but I think it's a personality thing and they're in different high-pressure careers that have little to no flexibility.

I don't know what to do. I know I'll be told it's not my responsibility. But it makes me so sad and I feel completely helpless. I also feel guilty for being happy about the good things going on in my life (buying a house, getting married, career is going REALLY well).

Has anyone been through the same? Any suggestions? Even a hand hold.

Please be kind. Thank you.

(P.S. Wasn't sure where to put this - is Relationships the right place?! )

Blimey, I thought maybe I'd found my sister on MN, reading your post....until you said you were abroad. Our parents are EXACTLY the same. I have no idea what the solution is (sorry), as we have tried pretty much what you have, to no avail. It sounds like a trip to the GP would be in order, as she definitely sounds depressed. Our parents are older though....at 59 it's very sad that she is feeling this way. Well sad at any age, but you know what I mean...she could have 30 years left!

In terms of work, the care/social system really value older people with a bit of life experience.

Would she work as a carer? Or do some voluntary counselling for someone like Cruse bereavement? They provide training and it can lead to a paid job. Or Homestart are always looking for family support staff. Or what about Alzheimer's society roles? Most older people would prefer an older support worker.

If she doesn't mind a change of job I'd be looking for something in that field where her age would be valued.

Gosh Viv, are you a therapist? I've done some reading on the Drama Triangle now and I see where you're coming from. I assume you have me in the Rescuer position, but I can't say I'm doing it for the "motives" that Karpman posits, at least not consciously. It may be that I've been in that role in my family for as long as I can remember.

I have addressed some of these issues myself with a professional. I have also moved away from pandering to DM, e.g. I moved away knowing the impact that would have on her (I previously lived in the same city), I haven't made compromises in my life choices over the past year or so to suit her, on the whole I am putting myself and DH first etc.

I am sure there is more that can be done and a professional would more than likely have a lot to psychoanalyse about all of our roles in this. I do think that perhaps when one analyses oneself too much that you then begin to question everything, which is not healthy either. "Oh, I've done this, so it must mean I'm being egoical, so I shouldn't do it. But if I don't, then I'm selfish" etc ad infinitum. Of course, you could argue that one doesn't need to think and should just do and get on with it. But then if you're detached and don't reflect on your actions, act but don't care, you're a psychopath... Human behaviour is extremely complex and multi-faceted. I also don't think that on MN we can go to deep since we don't all know every detail and the ins and outs of each others lives.

However, yes, I can change change some of my behaviours so that I am less of an enabler. That won't stop me from caring and loving my mother and wanting to help her.

Huskylover1 - it is comforting somewhat to know that there are others out there going through the same, but I'm sorry that you're also dealing with this too. That's the thing, the sooner she finds a way out of this, the better. I'm concerned if it goes on for too long because then it will be even harder for her to recover from this.

Those are good ideas creampie, thank you. I think one of her neighbours does something similar with FOTE, so maybe I can suggest to DM to have a chat with neighbour.

Excuse the typos!

no, not a therapist, but I am interested in it and I personally find the models, like the drama triangle, interesting and helpful in my own life and struggles.

I did wonder if you would identify with the Rescuer, and I too suspected from what you said earlier that you've always been in the role in your family of origin. I don't believe that awareness means you have to stop wanting to help your mum. But I do believe that it is healthier to act with awareness, rather than playing out the same old scenes. I mean, look at this situation, you're banging your head against a brick wall trying to rescue your mum, but she's stuck in victim mode.

All of this, "trying everything to no avail" becomes obvious when you look at it with awareness of the drama triangle. It's not because you're not rescuing hard enough, it's because your mum is in the victim position. Taking up one of your solutions is not part of her process!

You may be interested in the Winners Triangle!

Can you phone her GP practice and book an appointment in her name (basically pretend to be her on the phone) and then take her to it next time you are in the UK? She may be more likely to go if someone else has booked it.

Your dad sounds like my ex FIl. He is a shit.