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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

End of a relationship - not mine but feeling gutted all the same.

33 replies

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 08/02/2017 18:16

DS aged 18 and his gf have been together nearly a year - were so close and seemed so happy, This is his first serious relationship - they were inseparable, did so much together. He was a lovely boyfriend kind, generous, loving and caring.

She came on holiday with us, met all our friends, was included in everything, we treated her like she was one of our own children.
We heard last night that she cheated on DS with her ex and so quite rightly DS ended the relationship this morning. He's obviously deeply hurt and incredibly sad and we are doing all we can to support him.

I am gutted though - I loved that girl and am sat on my bed crying that she will no longer be part of our family. I know it's right for the relationship to end and as DS said 'it's better to find out now' but it feels like she cheated on us all - I know it's unreasonable but I feel betrayed too. I know she's in a mess and is appealing to us to help her - usually I would but this time ...I can't .....but even so I am worried about her.

Apparently after she spent the day with us on Sunday - she lay in bed in our house with our DS sexting her ex as a prerequisite to the cheating. I'm not minimising my son's hurt but parallel to that is the the pain of others in our family. Our other son, my DP, me, even the dogs. Why would she do this? I'm not even angry with her just bewildered that she could do this when she has been so loved by us all.

Has anyone else experienced this - felt broken hearted over the ending of a child's relationship?

OP posts:

Dressingdown1 · 08/02/2017 18:23

Sorry to hear about this. I know how it feels, dds first serious boyfriend did something similar and dh and I were really upset. Mostly hurt for dd of course, but also for the rest of the family who were all very fond of him. I know it was best for dd that it ended, and now she has a lovely partner, but it was painful and it took her a long time to recover fully. I hope your ds feels better soon.

pocketsaviour · 08/02/2017 18:25

Without wishing to sound harsh - she did it because she's 18 and still has the capacity to do stupid, hurtful, relationship-ending things. You're going to have to prepare yourself for the next couple of relationships to also end in tears, whether your DS's or his partner's.

When you say she's been asking you for help as she's in a mess, what does this mean? Was she living with you? If she is reaching out to you for emotional support after cheating on your DS, then this is just another example of her fucked up decisions, TBH.

Chamonix1 · 08/02/2017 18:34

It's a shame, I remember being with my boyfriend of 2 years when I was very young and I missed his family when we split, I know he missed
Mine too. However I think you've invested too much in their relationship and invested to much of yourself to an 18 year old girl who's in a relationship with your son.
As I said it's a shame, but surely you knew the chances of them not lasting forever were high. I don't think I'd be as heartbroken I must say.

offside · 08/02/2017 18:39

My MIL to be took it very hard when my DP and his ex broke up. They were together on and off for 7 years. It took her a long while to get over it, and to the detriment to her and my relationship status every opportunity she got when it was just us on her own, she would talk about his ex. Even 5 years into our relationship when our DD was in the car. I know she'll never accept me like she did his ex, maybe not at all, and it's put a real strain on her and my DPs relationship also.

So this is just a warning to not carry on any grief into any other relationships your DS has, or indeed, compare any need GF with his ex.

offside · 08/02/2017 18:41

It should read "...her and my relationship as every opportunity she got when it was just us on our own..."

Original poster

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 08/02/2017 18:56

Thank you so much for your words of advice and you're right we probably did invest too much and should be prepared for more turbulent times ahead. I promise I wont be comparing any future gfs with her - I wouldn't couldn't do that. I hope he does find some one else who appreciates him for the fabulous boy he is.
pocketsaviour no she didn;t live with us permanently but spent a lot of time at our house, she's reaching out via group messages between me, my DP and herself. Says she's having panic attacks and even called an ambulance this morning as she was in such a bad way after DS ended it. My DP can't bring herself to speak to her - I have just offered words of kindness but in a rather distant way and made it clear that as his mum my priority is our DS. She is at home with her own mum so she's got support.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 08/02/2017 19:12

It's sad however inevitable I think. Everyone in life tends to get their heartbroken at least once. He'll bounce back, I'm sure. He needs his friends right now

piefacerecords · 08/02/2017 19:19

I know it's hard (having had experience of this myself) but you really do need to take a step back next time your son gets a girlfriend.

Teenagers switch relationships all the time - it's what they do and it's normal.

Looking at it from the other side, it can be a bit too much pressure all round if you as parents get too cosy with your dc's girlfriend/boyfriend, however nicely it's meant. I ended up staying in one or two teen relationships way longer than I really wanted to, because I knew my parents would be upset if I ended it with boyfriends that they were clearly attached to... my sister admits she felt the same.

Whatever you do, please try to keep a lid on how upset you are in front of your son - it's his relationship that's ended, and so it should all be about his feelings, not yours - putting it bluntly.

Cricrichan · 08/02/2017 19:30

My kids are still young but I remember feeling so angry and hurt and sick and protective towards my younger brothers when they were hurt by a girlfriend. I coped with heartbreak for myself far better!

Can't even imagine how I'll be when it happens to my kids lol

As far as your son is concerned - he's still so young and maybe it's a blessing in disguise and he can go on to do more exciting things now that he's single.

ovenchips · 08/02/2017 21:14

I think you've had a nasty shock (them splitting and the girlfriend cheating on your son) which will take you a while to process so just be gentle with yourself.

However, I think it was unwise to be so heavily involved/ invested in a teenage relationship of less than a year. It sort of feels you had unclear boundaries with her and their relationship status.

I must admit I can't quite see where you're coming from when you feel hurt by his girlfriend texting her ex while at your house. There is zero intent there on the girlfriend's part to hurt you and the fact that you are hurt seems to me a clear indication of over investment/ involvement. I'm sure you realise that now and will be more circumspect in the future.

I sincerely hope that the horrible shock fades and that your DS's broken heart heals and he moves on. He sounds lucky to have a mum who he is close to and can talk to.

Ellisandra · 08/02/2017 21:32

"Even the dogs"?
Really?
I think the pooches will get over her quickly.

You do sound very over invested in her, as much as the actual relationship. Your posts don't really say much about your feelings about how she has treated your son, how he's feeling.

Time to take a step back. Surely between a couple of 18 year olds you realised it was unlikely to last forever?

Well done to your son for prizing himself highly and not taking her shit.

I'd spend less time thinking about her, and more time feeling proud of your son.

Next message from her, I'd tell her that I wasn't intending to continue contact with her.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/02/2017 21:36

I can't believe how well, insane you sound!

You can't be consoled because an 18 year old girl isn't with your son anymore?

You're all in mourning, even your dogs??

Fucking hell!

Chinnygirl · 08/02/2017 21:38

I last saw my first boyfriend mum twenty years ago. Two years ago I added her to my facebook. It has been so much fun chatting again. She was lovely then and still is now. Maybe you can make contact with her in the future when the dust has settled?

KERALA1 · 08/02/2017 21:43

I remember when my sister dumped her first bf at this age. They were together 3 years, he was always at the house, came on holiday etc. Lovely guy but my sister totally outgrew him and ended it as kindly as she could. He was devastated - as was our dad. Dad hasn't got a son and they had got on so well. Poor dad went for a walk on his own in the dark the night they split. When he got back he announced he was never getting that hurt again. He's always been lovely to our dhs but definitely holds back.

ChuckSnowballs · 08/02/2017 21:48

she did it because she's 18 and still has the capacity to do stupid, hurtful, relationship-ending things

Interesting. At what age do humans stop having the capacity to do stupid, hurtful, relationship-ending things?

Original poster

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 08/02/2017 21:49

I was sort of joking about the dogs.

Thanks for your replies - I guess the message is that I was overinvested and I think that's probably right. We got on well - she felt like part of the family but as posters have rightly pointed out they are only 18 and it's not sensible to think it's going to last at that age.

I'm incredibly proud of DS - he's amazing and I tell him that all the time. I didn't discuss my feelings about the break up with him only that I was sad about it - I came here instead and as I said in my post we're doing all we can to support him.

Your replies have made me rationalise things and I feel much better - couple of glasses of wine helped too 😀 Thank you

OP posts:

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/02/2017 21:50

Ah, I have three older teens/early twenties so have been through this a few times. What we learned after the first time, when DD was 18 and my youngest was 8, was not to let our youngest get too close. 18 months of someone being round is a lifetime to a little kid and the boyfriend had been something of a substitute big brother to him with the eldest being at uni.

oleoleoleole · 08/02/2017 21:50

Even the dogs....I felt sorry for you till then!

Original poster

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 08/02/2017 21:53

The dogs were a bit of a joke to lighten the post. Actually she'll probably miss them more than they will miss her.

Yes Tinkly - that's probably wise advice.

OP posts:

DonaldStott · 08/02/2017 21:53

Sorry OP, but I agree with everything WalterMitty wrote.

You sound like you need to get a grip.

Of course, you feel sad for your son, but for the whole household to be mourning the end of this relationship, (and I include the dogs in that) - well it's all rather over dramatic and I don't think you will be helping your son in any way.

Allthebestnamesareused · 08/02/2017 21:56

I am Facebook friends with my son's ex from 7 years ago now. My dh and I still refer to her as the one that got away. They split under different circumstances (goibg off yo uni). His next gf was lovely too but not as chatty etc. However as a mum to 3 boys I am never going to be that MIL type moaned about on here! You will of course miss her but you will also enjoy meeting his subsequent gfs and making new friendships with them.

JustHereForThePooStories · 08/02/2017 22:00

Really shitty thing for her to do, and I'm sorry your son is so upset.

That said, I think you're laying too much responsibility at this girl's door. She's answerable to your son, not to you and your DP. While 18 is an adult, it's still an age where most people are immature and you can't make her responsible for the upset of two adults.

You need to cut contact with her, and let your son get on with it.

ChuckSnowballs · 08/02/2017 22:04

While 18 is an adult, it's still an age where most people are immature and you can't make her responsible for the upset of two adults.

Not being funny but she is not married to him. She is allowed to sleep with whoever she wants. What's with the 'only immature young people sleep with other people' tonight? Mature people also sleep with other people - it's not an age thing.

cheeseandpineapple · 08/02/2017 22:08

OP was joking about the dogs and with the help of this thread and some wine, has "got a grip"!

OP, it sounds like you have a warm, welcoming family and you will be a lovely future mother in law! Hope ex GF doesn't get too dramatic and cause you some conflict.

Original poster

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 08/02/2017 22:24

Thank you cheeseandpineapple - I have got a grip now.

OP posts:

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