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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

girlfriend going on holiday with her ex

107 replies

Bigmoc · 08/02/2017 11:49

This is my first post. I was hoping for a female perspective on this. My girlfriend of 8 months is booked to go to Amsterdam with her ex boyfriend for a weekend. She has been friends with him for a long time, maybe 20 years, and they were only together for around 3 months maybe 14/15 years ago. She said that since then they went on holiday to America but this was for a mutual friends wedding. However she said that they had shared a bed previously and nothing happened then They both then got long term relationships so kind of fell out of touch for a while but got friendly again when those relationships broke down. She says she can't remember if they had sex or not when they were in a relationship, says she doesn't think so but possibly once when really drunk. Anyways, they had booked to go to New York over the new year to see the same mutual friend but the trip didn't go ahead as he was sick. This had been planned but not booked before I knew her, and was booked about two months into the relationship.
I wasn't that happy, but didn't want to come across as possessive and jealous so told her I wasn't ecstatic but I understood that she had a life before me and I was ok about it. She did say that she thought he might now have designs on her again but she wasn't interested and if he tried anything she would make sure to tell him she wasn't interested. They were both due to be in New York over New Years and she specifically said she thought he would try and kiss her on New Year's Eve but she would be ready to say no. The other day a few days after her birthday she said that this friend booked her a surprise trip for just the two of them in Amsterdam. He had never bought her a present before, never mind a present like that.
She told Me that this trip was booked and she was going to go. I asked her was it a twin or a double bed and she said she didn't know. I asked her to ask him and he told Her that it was a double as it was the last available at that deal. I said I wasn't happy with either the trip or the sleeping arrangements. She knew I wasn't happy but she didn't say that she would change the sleeping arrangements. She then told him that I wasn't happy and he told her he would change it to a twin room. She says he has since done this.
I'm still not really happy about this trip and am wondering if I am being paranoid. I really love her and she says she really loves me and I do believe that's how she feels about me. But I'm still Not keen on my girlfriend going away for a few nights of drinking , probably drugs and partying with a guy she used to be intimate with. She didn't book it so I can't blame her for that. However, she didn't even ask originally if they would be in separate beds, and I suppose I'm annoyed about that, and she was still going to go even if they had to share a bed. Im still considering my future with her now, and am wondering if I'm over reacting About the whole thing.

OP posts:
Kittencatkins123 · 09/02/2017 08:44

I've been the girl with the ex - we never had sex but used to share a bed and cuddle (in pyjamas). There was nothing sexual about it at all - the sex side of things had died while we were together so I guess it felt normal. (Though I knew it wasn't!)

But it did keep me invested in him and our relationship (though essentially platonic) - emotionally I was still very attached and I couldn't really get into anything serious with anyone.

Now we've stopped all this, and just keep in touch with the odd call, email and perhaps every six months or so a quick lunch during the week near my work. And I've been able to get into a proper relationship that I'm very happy in and committed to.

Have you met this guy? Could you talk to him/become friends with him? (As you have until August?) Could they book separate rooms and if you make friends you could maybe come on the trip? (I know this might all be a bit unlikely/difficult/impossible and not necessarily all that fun for you).

Or if you weren't able to go, if they did book separate rooms (surely possible) would you feel comfortable with that or not (as he still has feelings for her?)

If she doesn't want that or if that's not possible, or you still will feel uncomfortable with them going, she needs to make a choice really - future or past - in terms of the big things like going away together. (So calls/emails/lunches are okay).

You're not being unreasonable or jealous, I think you've been very understanding. Now she needs to do the same.

PaterPower · 09/02/2017 11:03

Same room, different room, double bed or twin - if they want to sleep together none of the variations will make any difference.

The decent thing for him to do, if this were truly an apology, would be for him to give (or sell you - there's no reason he should be out of pocket) his place and let the two of you go together. Although I imagine that even that would be marred for you now.

I don't think anyone, even the "love of your life," could be worth you putting up with this situation. There are plenty of single women out there - ones that will respect your feelings and not mess you around like she's clearly prepared to do.

Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy - bin her off. Your future (older and wiser) self will thank you for it.

c3pu · 09/02/2017 11:08

LTB.

This one is not worth the hassle.

Original poster
Bigmoc · 09/02/2017 12:28

I took a different approach, I told
Her that I had asked advice on an Internet forum and people said that I wasn't being unreasonable. She asked to see the messages so I sent her some altho left out the worst ones. She is still going but I am
Happier now that she knows how I feel about it for some reason, and am going to try and not mention it again.

OP posts:
Surreyblah · 09/02/2017 12:39
Hmm
AnyFucker · 09/02/2017 12:45

Huh ?

SuperFlyHigh · 09/02/2017 12:49

You're being taken for a mug here by this woman and her ex.

Sounds like they both have you exactly where they want you.

Do you suffer from low esteem or something?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/02/2017 12:51

I'm not sure why you're happier.

1 - You had to back up your feelings by proving other randomers feel the same to make her pay an attention. She doesn't care how you feel without evidence? Awful sign.

2 - She is going away.

3 - You feel pressured not to keep mentioning something bothering you.

Your happy ever after isn't this woman. She is choosing to go on holiday with another man despite knowing you are upset. She has made it really clear how much above you she values him. You can't have a happy relationship like that.

roarityroar · 09/02/2017 12:53

I think you're being ridiculous. They wer I 14/15! 20 years ago!! Either trust her or don't but I think YABVU

OydNeverDeclinesGin · 09/02/2017 13:01

Wow.
You actually needed to question if this was ok? She's proper done a number on you hasn't she.

c3pu · 09/02/2017 13:09

I feel about it for some reason, and am going to try and not mention it again

ARE YOU DERP?????

Nothing has changed, do not appease and enable this woman's awful behaviour.

xStefx · 09/02/2017 13:12

I think that was a good idea showing her other woman's views. You did your best, you are not being unreasonable. She has been told that you are not comfortable with it, she has seen that its not the right thing to do and she is still going. As much as you like her, this sets the president for your future relationship, she has no respect for you.

end it, she may actually grow some respect for you and not go. If she does go then its her loss as you seem a reasonable gent.

FearTheLiving · 09/02/2017 13:17

It wouldn't bother me.

nauticant · 09/02/2017 13:24

What you've succeeded in doing is:
showing her that she can do whatever she wants and even if you raise an objection to wholly unreasonable behaviour you'll back down;
providing her with an "excuse" to sleep with her ex because she'll be annoyed with you and on the razz with him in Amsterdam; and
trapping yourself into the agony of wondering what's going on while they're away and, if you stay together, always having an uncertainty about this in the back of your mind.

You're now stuck in a 3-person relationship. If that's not what you want then that's a really shit place to be.

ShatnersWig · 09/02/2017 13:34

Well this was a totally pointless thread and a waste of people's time then.

Been a lot of those lately.

Move on, nothing to see here.

Ellisandra · 09/02/2017 13:43

Sap Hmm

YouHadMeAtCake · 09/02/2017 14:03

Well OP, be prepared for an utterly shit time with this awful GF and to be taken for a mug. Jeez, you just cannot help some people. Some just ask to be walked all over.

Original poster
Bigmoc · 09/02/2017 14:05

Well slight update. We had a row about it and now have decided to just go our separate ways. That was just there now, she asked the ex had they had sex, he said no, but they tried, and didn't and to lie to me about it anyways. She sent me the screenshot even tho I didn't ask for it. In it he obviously thought the whole thing was hilarious and was loving it. I called him a cock and asked her what she thought about the way he got on, which she refused to answer. We then just said it was better to leave it as things obvs werent going to get resolved. Thanks for all the advice

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 09/02/2017 14:07

What a total load of bollocks.

inlectorecumbit · 09/02/2017 14:08

FFS OP, time to grow a backbone..

Bet she is having a laugh at your expense now.

She has no respect for you or your relationship. Are you that desperate that you will settle for such a crap deal with this female???

springydaffs · 09/02/2017 14:24

Have a heart, the op is nursing a broken heart. Less of the ' she's laughing at you '. Completely unnecessary.

It may ain't now op but you're well rid. She would continue to tread all over your feelings, doing precisely what she wants, minimising - actually, ignoring - your feelings. You are well rid, even if it doesn't feel like that now Flowers

springydaffs · 09/02/2017 14:24

*It may hurt now

hellsbellsmelons · 09/02/2017 14:29

Sorry OP but I think it's for the best as well.
Get out there and enjoy yourself.
She was never going to respect you or your feeling.

PaterPower · 09/02/2017 15:18

Well rid.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2017 15:32

It's for the best
She is a piss taker

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