girlfriend going on holiday with her ex

[Bigmoc]

This is my first post. I was hoping for a female perspective on this. My girlfriend of 8 months is booked to go to Amsterdam with her ex boyfriend for a weekend. She has been friends with him for a long time, maybe 20 years, and they were only together for around 3 months maybe 14/15 years ago. She said that since then they went on holiday to America but this was for a mutual friends wedding. However she said that they had shared a bed previously and nothing happened then They both then got long term relationships so kind of fell out of touch for a while but got friendly again when those relationships broke down. She says she can't remember if they had sex or not when they were in a relationship, says she doesn't think so but possibly once when really drunk. Anyways, they had booked to go to New York over the new year to see the same mutual friend but the trip didn't go ahead as he was sick. This had been planned but not booked before I knew her, and was booked about two months into the relationship.
I wasn't that happy, but didn't want to come across as possessive and jealous so told her I wasn't ecstatic but I understood that she had a life before me and I was ok about it. She did say that she thought he might now have designs on her again but she wasn't interested and if he tried anything she would make sure to tell him she wasn't interested. They were both due to be in New York over New Years and she specifically said she thought he would try and kiss her on New Year's Eve but she would be ready to say no. The other day a few days after her birthday she said that this friend booked her a surprise trip for just the two of them in Amsterdam. He had never bought her a present before, never mind a present like that.
She told Me that this trip was booked and she was going to go. I asked her was it a twin or a double bed and she said she didn't know. I asked her to ask him and he told Her that it was a double as it was the last available at that deal. I said I wasn't happy with either the trip or the sleeping arrangements. She knew I wasn't happy but she didn't say that she would change the sleeping arrangements. She then told him that I wasn't happy and he told her he would change it to a twin room. She says he has since done this.
I'm still not really happy about this trip and am wondering if I am being paranoid. I really love her and she says she really loves me and I do believe that's how she feels about me. But I'm still Not keen on my girlfriend going away for a few nights of drinking , probably drugs and partying with a guy she used to be intimate with. She didn't book it so I can't blame her for that. However, she didn't even ask originally if they would be in separate beds, and I suppose I'm annoyed about that, and she was still going to go even if they had to share a bed. Im still considering my future with her now, and am wondering if I'm over reacting About the whole thing.

Thanks. The consensus seems to be to end it. I just find it difficult and she did stand by me when I was going through a difficult time myself. I tried talking above it again, but she said , look it's only b*, everyone knows there is no issue with him. Nothing will happen. She then said I was wrecking it for her and she hardly wanted to go on the trip now in case when she came back she was dumped. The trip isn't until August so I don't think she knew before hand

She then said I was wrecking it for her and she hardly wanted to go on the trip now in case when she came back she was dumped.

Emotional blackmail too. It looks she's really seeing how far she can bend you out of shape. It's not a nice trait.

If she thinks he has feelings for her then she's being a cow for leading him on instead of cooling off the friendship with him. Dump her, she has zero respect for either of you.

She then said I was wrecking it for her and she hardly wanted to go on the trip now in case when she came back she was dumped.

Guilt tripping you now. Also sounds very selfish. Also, note 'hardly...'

You can't put yourself through this until August. If you seriously think she's worth it, ask for a fortnight's space and then talk to her about it again and see what she says then. If she hasn't had a major rethink, I'd call it a day.

Erm ... I don't think you can stop her going, as you're only 8 months in, and you would seem controlling. But I do think it's mean of her, and insensitive, to go. I think she can be trusted, by the sounds of it, but I just think it's thoughtless of her. It's like she hasn't quite got what the deal is, being with you.

I think you should restrain yourself. I think you should say as little as possible about it, tell her to have fun, it's only a couple of days, and not panic. I really don't think she means anything by it and I think even if the guy tries something she'll rebuff him (I'm actually sure she would), but it is kind of insensitive. I'd sort of let her have this one, but would try to make sure doesn't happen again. Tell her when she's back, after a while, how it made you feel. Tell her you didn't feel it was your place to stop her, and you wanted her to have fun, but still you felt bad. That shows your love in various ways.

Don't worry - but understand this about her. She's a bit of a free spirit. If you can cope, that's OK.

She sounds like a total drama llama.

Basically she gets one ego boost from her "mate" who obviously fancies her and then she gets a second ego boost by telling you that this bloke fancies her and watching you get all jealous.

From the outside it's very easy to say get rid, and for an easy life this is 100% what you should do. But it sounds like you might struggle with this. So the other option is to give her the benefit of the doubt in so much as her behaviour could be a tool to combat extremely low self esteem. Does that sound plausible?

You could try a really frank conversation, call her out on her behaviour and tell her that you're not interested in playing games. You really like her and you want her to feel special and confident, but not at your expense. So either she knocks it on the head with the drippy mate who fancies her and the trying to make you jealous, or you're off (and mean it!). But for this to work you have to be very clear with her that you know she is playing you off against each other and that she is not innocent. It won't work if you go all gently gently.

Bullshit she can't remember if she has sex with him.
You know her - how likely is it she dated someone for 3 months without them having sex - especially someone she'd known for ages, so she could fast track the getting to know you bit?

I'd dump her - but for her attitude as much as the trip. This crap about he'll probably try it on and she'll say no? This means...

• she enjoys leading him on. She's not a nice person
• she likes dicking with your feelings, taunting you about him. She's not a nice person

She sounds up her own arse and a drama queen to boot.

Move on.

She's told you she's going on holiday with a man she thinks fancies her and will try it on. IMO she's manoeuvring you to where she means you to stay - on the back foot and doing the 'pick-me' dance.

Nobody in a relationship they're serious about is going to accept a weekend away with an ex, that's ridiculous - and the bed thing was fucking outrageous. You're wasting your time with her, ditch ASAP and move on.

Emotional blackmail eh - nice. So she feels entitled to behave like this, and you're meant to swallow the shit sandwich. Trip being a while away keeps her options open and you on your toes. Stuff that!

She may well have been supportive when you had problems, but unfortunately now she's being shit.

I agree with the other posters. This is definitely not ok and you're not being possessive at all. She's disrespecting you completely and if she can't see that or appreciate that she's not for you. It seems to me she just doesn't care about how you feel and you can't have a relationship like that

This crosses the line so badly that the line has become a speck in the distance.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. You would be a fool not to dump her.

I think the poster theresabluebirdonmyshoulder hit the nail on the head when they said it's not easy to simply call it off. I think it's what I should do, but I have to be honest and say that I would be devastated to do this. But I know that the resentment over it is also going to grow too, and I'm already
Sick of rowing with her about it. She said tonight that I must be happy about it now that there are twin beds, as if thats the problem solved

Agree with every other PP so won't repeat any of it! if the NY trip was to visit another friend, why didn't she still go? No reason why she couldn't? Don't bother trying to talk her out of it, you shouldn't have to. If you do feel the need to discuss it with her again, please just ask her to consider if she would be ok with it in reverse. That's all you need to say. It's that simple. She will say she would be fine with it. Utter crap. If you were off away to spend a weekend with another woman in a hotel room, and told your OH all about the potential for her making advances, im fairly confident she won't encourage you to go off and have a good time.

The responses on here have been consistent, so hope you've found that helpful with your thoughts around this. Seems pretty clear.

Please also ask yourself this - how will you feel / cope whilst she is actually away on this platonic trip? Can you handle going through that and how shit you will feel the whole time? Don't put yourself through it.

Appreciate it is hard to call it off, but believe me, as a man who has been through an almost identical situation, why go through the stomach-churning doubts for the next six months? You will end up believing you are in the wrong and losing your self-respect and getting even more hurt.

If you are not sure, then at least take time out from her for a couple of weeks. She may reflect on it and realise what she's fucked up. If not, well it's not worth getting hurt any more for is it?

Other alternative, as she keeps telling you this guy is your friend, too (doubt it). Suggest to her that you book a double room at same hotel (or a better one). That way, she can sleep with you in your room and you can all have fun in Amsterdam as three friends together. See how that suggestion goes down....

I'm pretty certain that she wouldn't like that as they have been friends for so long and I would feel like I'm
Kinda impinging on the whole thing. I know that sounds mad but there you go

Talk to your girlfriend and establish the boundaries of your relationship. Don't feel ashamed about them; romantic relationships are different to other friendships.
This would be outside of the boundaries of mine, as would any trip away/date with an ex.

Err no it wouldn't be happening in my relationship. I wouldn't be accommodating this at all.

No way would I do this to a boyfriend who is clearly worried about it. It's disrespectful and since when did twin beds stop 2 people from having sex
I would seriously consider this relationship

OP, impinging on their friendship? How about the pair of them impinging on your felings / relationship? Sounds like she/they is making you lose perspective by her/their manipulative, callous, heartless behaviour here.....

Aw Bigmoc

This is shit sorry. This is what you need to do (you won't be at least we know you had the right advice)

1. Just walk away from this. Pull back. Stop returning her calls immediately.Be busy. Don't "dump her". Don't "ghost her". Just be less available until she stops trying.

1. There is NO point in discussing this with her. Read your original post. It's just a lot of waffle and noise. Nothing to discuss. DO YOU THINK A PERSON - ANY PERSON - WHO CARED ABOUT THEIR PARTNER WOULD GO ON HOLIDAY WITH AN EX AND SLEEP IN A DOUBLE BED? Do you? This is why there is no point in discussing it. The detail of it is immaterial.

(By the way, no normal person who was in a relationship "can't remember" whether they slept together. How could you not remember? On drugs 24/7? Amnesiac? Professional prostitute?

1. Life is short. Plenty of lovely, kind, sexy women who would appreciate you more. Really. Don't bother.

*you won't BUT at least we know you had the right advice

It's a big deal to book a holiday for yourself and anyone never mind a friend who has their own life and a steady partner. You can't just impinge on people like that and assume they'll be happy to spend their holiday allowance and money on going away with you. And that's without all the "history" between them. He's pretty much saying there that he knows that it's likely that you'll have the balls to put your foot down, and even if you do he knows she WGAF and will do it anyway.

And I'm sorry, but you'd remember if you banged your mate even if it was that long ago. She's not being straight with you on that.

You sound like you're in a vulnerable place and maybe don't think now is the time to end things. That's ok, a lot of people feel like that when something like this happens and you have to start facing up to things that you're maybe not ready to. But you know in your heart of hearts that this isn't on, and you deserve to be treated with consideration and respect by all the players here, including yourself. Don't keep burying those thoughts and stand up for yourself.

The bit about "not remembering" if she ever had sex with him is basically de-risking him. She's trying to cast him in a non sexual light to keep him under your radar. It also nicely sets the scene for further amnesia, so that when she has sex with him in Amsterdam she can file that under "don't remember" as well. And she will, don't kid yourself.

I suspect she is quite needy and that probably appeals to you on a day to day basis, I know, I've been there. She's probably done this before so it's habitual and you're not going to change it.

If you can't just leave or you feel you'll be portrayed as jealous, insecure, controlling etc if you put your foot down, then just ease yourself out emotionally. Spend time with other friends, work colleagues etc. Create some distance. This will help you to detach so you can eventually walk away which is ultimately where this will end.

If he was doing it to make up for the previous trip he should've booked a trip for her and allowed her to take whomever she chose.....you. Or just paid her the money back. Oh and how strange he booked the only room left (a double) but then managed to change it (to a twin)....this is a lie.
While I do believe ex's can be friends in a perfectly platonic way this is inappropriate. Whether you trust your dp or not isn't the issue here, goimg on a weekend away, sharing a room/bed with someone you've had sex with (which I would bet my house on she has) who you are aware still has feelings for you, while in a relationship with someone else is wrong.
I don't think that one adult has the right to tell another what to do but on the other hand I do believe that every adult has the right to demand respect from their dp. She shouldn't even be considering this trip, if it was me I wouldn't even want to go.
If I were you I would calmly and rationally explain to her why I felt uncomfortable, I would make sure she understood how i felt about it and why I didn't want her to go then let her decide. If she chose to go I would end the relationship.