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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Right folks, talk me down...

49 replies

murphys · 07/02/2017 11:09

I am in my mid forties and feel like a bloody teenager.

I am separated, in the year that I have been I have had no interest in anyone else, I just focused on the dc and myself, trying to figure out what I do actually like in life.

I admit I have felt a bit sorry for myself recently, just missing affection, attention that sort of thing.

Yesterday I had the most intense and unexpected conversation with a colleague (don't work with him as such, but our companies work together sometimes). I went there to fetch something, and was there for 3 HOURS! During a general discussion he added in that he was having some personal issues, don't I go and blurt out along the lines of 'my sympathies, been there, have big shoulders..".

Ok so hes going through a divorce too, but we just talked... i couldn't believe it when looked at the time, and I had been there for so long. During the convo he did say this is one of those needing 10 glasses of wine types of conversations... His wife just upped and left him. Clearly is still very raw and he was quite tearful at some points.

I really just wanted to go and give him a big bloody hug. But I know its unprofessional. There is definitely a spark there. and he is really bloody gorgeous, in looks and his nature Should I ask him if we should go for a drink? Or should I just wait and see if he tries to contact me, I don't even know if he is at that point yet....

I haven't been out on a date since 2001. I have never in my life asked someone out for a drink/date. Be kind please, I am totally a naïve novice in this department.

OP posts:

nigelforgotthepassword · 07/02/2017 11:28

Ask him. What have you got to lose?
Just say you enjoyed taking to him and are around with a friendly ear if he needs one...go from there.

loveyoutothemoon · 07/02/2017 11:28

Nooooo big mistake if it's still raw and he's tearful.

NotAPuffin · 07/02/2017 11:29

I think it's too soon to go for a drink. Pop over for another chat next week.

FlyWaxSleepRepeat · 07/02/2017 11:31

Do you think he felt a spark too? I doubt it if he was clearly very raw and tearful.

No, leave well alone.

TheNaze73 · 07/02/2017 11:32

Sounds way too soon. Nice thought but, he'll be raw for ages

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/02/2017 11:34

How long ago did she up and leave? If recent then no, anything other than friendship would be a complete disaster as there is no way he will be ready. My DH (not ex as not divorced yet) was set up on a blind date 5 weeks after I left him, he said it was a complete nightmare and he was nowhere near ready. Find yourself some less raw

Original poster

murphys · 07/02/2017 11:36

Conflicting advice. I also thought, what the heck, just message him and say if he needs shoulder I understand what hes going through etc, but then again I don't know if it would be pressurizing him.

I think I will just leave it, now I have typed it out and read it back. I really don't want to come across in the wrong way, like I am single and gunning for every available man iyswim..... He really has only just found out about my break up too, as I never said a thing to anyone who I work with.

OP posts:

noschooll4mee · 07/02/2017 11:50

No don't message or get involved. It won't work if he's that raw and this has just happened. If you think he's worth it then decide that you'd rather wait til he was ready to have a new relationship, rather than jump in now and have a catastrophic one and lose out on him

SleepFreeZone · 07/02/2017 11:55

Are you likely to bump into him again organicslly?if so just let the relationship unfold slowly. Over time his rawness may subside and he might be on a good place to start dating again.

VimFuego101 · 07/02/2017 12:07

Too soon, I would just be a shoulder to cry on for now.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 07/02/2017 12:41

Too soon.

CalmItKermitt · 07/02/2017 12:43

I'd wonder why she just upped and left him

Original poster

murphys · 07/02/2017 12:44

Sorry I only see now that some messages posted prior to my first reply, not sure how that happened.

How long ago did she up and leave?
September last year

Are you likely to bump into him again

Possibly in the next few months yes.

Thanks all, I does help writing things down sometimes I see now. I think that I will just back it to the back of my mind though.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/02/2017 12:45

REBOUND

fruitbrewhaha · 07/02/2017 12:53

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! It's exciting when you fancy someone though, isn't it? Will make going to work more fun!

When did his relationship break down?

I would try and bump into him. Could you happen to be in his building again?
I'd take it slow. Get to know him as a friend. Then perhaps start with meeting for lunch. It's less of a date, not likely to get pissed. Then take it from there.

I'd try not to be his shoulder to cry on,.

Original poster

murphys · 07/02/2017 12:57

I'd wonder why she just upped and left him

Calm, when he first said, this did cross my mind, why would someone just up and leave? She is quite a bit younger than him, and he says that she didn't have her party days before getting married, and she was going out all the time with all her single friends, and he is past that stage now, where is happy to stay home and watch a movie, have friends over etc. She was staying out all night and came clean she was having an emotional affair with someone else. They went for counselling and tried for a while, but in the end it got bitter. He admitted suffering from depression last year and he feels she wasn't able to deal with it. I know he had a tough year as his business wasn't doing too well, but I didn't realize the extent.

I know I am still vulnerable myself, it could all be a pack of lies and I wouldn't know any better. But the emotion he showed, made me believe him....

OP posts:

Original poster

murphys · 07/02/2017 12:59

REBOUND

For him or me AF?

OP posts:

Blobby10 · 07/02/2017 13:02

murphys I would advocate caution especially if he is still at a tearful and emotional stage. As for you - well done on the last year. I did that as well, just focussed on myself and rediscovering who I was (didnt like the parts i rediscovered but I'm working on that!) before dating again.

I dont think a simple 'thinking of you and here if you need me' text message would do any harm - but I wouldn't invite him out for a drink if it was me.

Packergator · 07/02/2017 13:05

Where do you work where you can just stand around nattering for 3 hours and no-one notices!? I get up for a piss and they send out a fucking search party...

misses the point

Original poster

murphys · 07/02/2017 13:07

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! It's exciting when you fancy someone though, isn't it?

Yes, have to admit its not something I have felt in a very long time. I think its purely because of a little bit of self esteem that I have managed to find in the past year.... makes me nervous now though.

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Hissy · 07/02/2017 13:11

I agree with AF. This has rebound all over it.

Him. You too to be honest.

He is a bloke, he will be looking for sex predominantly at this stage.

If he wants to ask you out, he will. Don't offer yourself up, this has to come from him. He's not ready for the kind of relationship YOU want to have.

Your paths will cross at some point anyway. He knows where to find you and he knows you are sympathetic.

Original poster

murphys · 07/02/2017 13:12

Where do you work where you can just stand around nattering for 3 hours and no-one notices!? I get up for a piss and they send out a fucking search party

Pack

I have my own business and so does he. I order things from his company from time to time. I gave myself a 3 hour tea break..... because I can. not that I usually do

OP posts:

Hissy · 07/02/2017 13:14

there are stages in our recovery from relationship breakdowns

we have to be ready to heal, recover and then put the bricks back in place to build ourselves back up.

We have to be in a place where we feel strong enough to try to trust again

We have to then learn to trust and allow ourselves to relax and let the future unfold

We then have to allow ourselves to love and be loved - this is a hard process for those who have been truly heartbroken

If Mr Perfect rocked up right now, YOU would not be ready for HIM. You need NOT to be quite so vulnerable or raw, you need to be able to be relaxed about it working out for it to have the space to do so. I don't think you are there yet.

picklemepopcorn · 07/02/2017 13:20

If you get into another deep and meaningful, you could mention that you have decided to date casually for a while, to work out the left over emotional confusion. That you don't want to mess up a possible long term relationship by getting into it too soon.
Is that too subtle?

Original poster

murphys · 07/02/2017 13:20

Gosh Hissy. Appreciate you posting that.

When I see it written out how you have put it....

I am only at number 1.

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