Right folks, talk me down...

[murphys]

I am in my mid forties and feel like a bloody teenager.

I am separated, in the year that I have been I have had no interest in anyone else, I just focused on the dc and myself, trying to figure out what I do actually like in life.

I admit I have felt a bit sorry for myself recently, just missing affection, attention that sort of thing.

Yesterday I had the most intense and unexpected conversation with a colleague (don't work with him as such, but our companies work together sometimes). I went there to fetch something, and was there for 3 HOURS! During a general discussion he added in that he was having some personal issues, don't I go and blurt out along the lines of 'my sympathies, been there, have big shoulders..".

Ok so hes going through a divorce too, but we just talked... i couldn't believe it when looked at the time, and I had been there for so long. During the convo he did say this is one of those needing 10 glasses of wine types of conversations... His wife just upped and left him. Clearly is still very raw and he was quite tearful at some points.

I really just wanted to go and give him a big bloody hug. But I know its unprofessional. There is definitely a spark there. and he is really bloody gorgeous, in looks and his nature Should I ask him if we should go for a drink? Or should I just wait and see if he tries to contact me, I don't even know if he is at that point yet....

I haven't been out on a date since 2001. I have never in my life asked someone out for a drink/date. Be kind please, I am totally a naïve novice in this department.

I thought I knew this person until you elaborated more on the work situation. I am kind of in a similar position in that there is some 'interest' going on with a guy who is recently divorced. I am not on the rebound however. I am interested and there is mutual attraction, but the way I see it, he will come to me if he actually wants something to happen. That would be my advice to you, don't get too hung up on him.

What this means is don't give up, it means carry on, but understand the stages you need to progress through to relearn the information you need to keep yourself as healthy as possible relationship-wise

You need to push yourself through dating/relationship situations, knowing that the person is not The One, he's Transition Man, you learn a bit about yourself, what you like about you, what is acceptable to you and what isn't. You learn to create boundaries, and to defend them. you learn when to relax guards and when and how to raise the defenses; and why.

If in doubt, do nowt. You will see this guy in future, if it's supposed to lead to something it will, but if you push for things too soon then it can hurt and unsettle, and rob you of hard won confidence gained so far.

Even if this does go somewhere, it probably won't be the skipping over the horizon into Happy Ever After territory, but you will be ok, you will survive and you will grow and learn.

That would be my advice to you, don't get too hung up on him.

Yip, I have this empathy thing going on, on top of everything.

He is a bloke, he will be looking for sex predominantly at this stage.

Wouldn't mind some myself at this point in my life.... .

But I hear you, I know in the end its just me that will get hurt again. Think I should just go back into the chrysalis stage I think.... its easier there...

The good news though (sorry forgot it in the post before) is that you find him attractive.

This is your inner you telling you that you have healed a bit, that the worst is over because you are able to look up from the hurt you have faced and your heart is preparing itself to trust/love again.

If you were still heartbroken, you would not even notice this guy, you would have made mumbled excuses to his comments and would have scurried back to your base.

Take heart from this, you're recovering alright. Embrace the change that is coming and take things slowly.

Your chrysalis stage is coming to an end... those beautiful wings will get their chance to stretch and fly again

Be there for him. But don't jump in. You don't want to be rebound and then find in a few years he's not attracted to you after all.

Thank you Hissy.

I wasn't going to post here, as there are people here who are in much worse dilemmas than my little crush.

But, I needed to hear what you said. Its been a journey alright... and yip, maybe now I see I am doing ok, which I doubted some days.

I am going to assume that you have been down this road and out the other side?

Speaking from the male POV, if he's 4-5 months in he'll still be grieving the old relationship. And yes, he'll definitely be wanting sex and probably won't think too hard about what the potential partner wants long term.

My advice would be to be open to conversations but try and avoid dating for another few months (or the point at which your conversations don't involve references to this ex).

Btw, I didn't follow any of that and started dating way too soon after exW left me for OM. I was so busy trying to "prove" I was still fanciable, or whatever, that I started dating completely the wrong person for me. And then felt worse once I belatedly realised and ended up letting her down not gently enough

*there are stages in our recovery from relationship breakdowns

we have to be ready to heal, recover and then put the bricks back in place to build ourselves back up.

We have to be in a place where we feel strong enough to try to trust again

We have to then learn to trust and allow ourselves to relax and let the future unfold

We then have to allow ourselves to love and be loved - this is a hard process for those who have been truly heartbroken*

HIssy - I cried reading your post. Its a perfect description for me. Even though I ended the marriage a year and a half ago I am still raw as hell. My confidence is shot to pieces and I am indifferent/unable to imagine a life with someone who actually gives a shit.

OP - I don't know about you, but I have spent too long putting men on a pedestal. Men that never deserved it. I cant be arsed anymore - I should be putting myself on a pedestal except its so hard

Hissy wow that's a really moving metaphor. I know the sentiment isn't aimed at me per se, but Im going to take comfort from it anyway...
Hope you don't mind OP - I think I understand what you are going through......

OP - I don't know about you, but I have spent too long putting men on a pedestal. Men that never deserved it. I cant be arsed anymore - I should be putting myself on a pedestal except its so hard

This is bloody true Instinct... yes its hard, I am trying to as well, but I am still on 'one day at a time mode'

Hissy wow that's a really moving metaphor. I know the sentiment isn't aimed at me per se, but Im going to take comfort from it anyway...
Hope you don't mind OP - I think I understand what you are going through......

Hissy your words have made total sense. Thanks again, I know many will read this and relate in the same way.

Pater, thanks for your comments.

I hear you.. I'm one day at a time as well... now I might go 3 steps forward and just 1 back. great progress if I could just see more clearly.

Strength and courage to you and everyone else in a similar boat. Its the hardest thing I have ever done and hope ever to do.

I was in a 10yr abusive relationship, he left 7 years ago.

The person I was then was a broken hollow egg shell of a person. Agoraphobic and terrified of everyone (especially males) and everything, new places, people, conversations.

I had lost trust in myself and all humanity tbh and had zero self esteem

Long story short I put myself back together for about a year, then considered dating.

It was horrendous at first, ever rejection like a knife, but you gradually get tougher and stronger and (once I'd done the Freedom Programme etc) less vulnerable to the pitfalls and bad habits of old.

One thing I did learn early on (and this serves us well with all people in our lives, kids etc too) is that nobody will put you at the top of their priority list if you yourself don't, from time to time.

My son was my shield and safety blanket when I was scared stiff of going out and about on day to day stuff, yet even he came to understand that while he was the most important person in my life, sometimes I had to put myself before everyone, including him.

I had a training relationship for a year, it petered out, which was sad at the time, but necessary. It would never have worked.

I also had a crash and burn relationship that hurt like nothing else. Took 2 years to recover, but I'm definitely in the clear now. I learned what love feels like, I learned how wonderful it is to be loved. Even if that's an unfamiliar thing.

I learned that even though I lost someone I loved, that the world still turns and that I should take what I learned from that relationship and keep on moving forwards.

Keep faith in yourself and the future (that's the hardest thing on earth, but you can't give up on yourself or happiness; whatever form that takes)

Now, dare I say, I'm in love. It's relaxed, chilled and amazing. Sure he's not perfect, neither am I, but i learned that we have to understand that people are who they are, for us each to be accepted, we have to accept ourselves as we are, and accept the other for who they are.
The most we can ever ask is for us to want to be the best we can be for ourselves and each other and to keep talking.

Mumsnet has been with me these last 7 years and has helped me navigate all this stuff.

murphys this is your thread, please use it to post whatever you need to say. Sure there are always worse cases of everything, but right now it's you.. and you deserve the be heard.

Instincively. The end of a relationship is hard, whoever ends it.

I was married donkeys years ago, briefly, and when I ended it, it was a sad day.

Nobody ever gets married thinking it won't last or not bothered if it does or doesn't! We all want our marriages to last, to be happy and successful, when it goes wrong, it's like a death, and we do need to acknowledge that.

It's ok to be sad when life lets us down.

Hissy I am glad you (and hopefully your ds) are doing well and are happy now.

murphys I would hesitate because this man is associated with the functioning of your business. I would keep a very clear boundary to protect your business and a relationship with such a person would not be in it's best interest- even going well, especially if it didn't go well.

It is nice you enjoyed a conversation. You can get some happy vibe mileage off of that event without having it develop into an expectation of getting more. I understand why/how a person would want more of a feel good thing, but imho, I don't think it should be a priority to pursue it per se (again the business boundary) but also because ...well, just because you are not in a relationship, do you see that as being a void in your life that you need to fill? Your life can be complete and fulfilling without a relationship.

I also agree that this fellow is not relationship material until he has decree absolute to show you in writing.

Thank you for sharing Hissy. Sorry I didn't get back to the thread yesterday. You sound incredibly strong, and I wish you all the happiness, you sound happy and content.

this is your thread, please use it to post whatever you need to say. Sure there are always worse cases of everything, but right now it's you.. and you deserve the be heard.

Yes, many things are happening in other peoples lives, but I do need to get to grips on MY life, I am always the shoulder for everyone else, I am the strong one, but in reality, those people aren't there for me in that way. It is pretty sad how many friends you lose once you become single. Those people that always said "I am here anytime" really are not now. I think I have to face reality now, and admit that this little encounter has made me realize that I am lonely. BUT, I don't want another relationship. I don't feel at this point that I am able to give what a relationship needs.... I have had a little taste of being able to do what I want to do, when I want to... and I really don't want to fall back into that situation that I was in before...always doing what everyone else wants to, making their needs a priority, always putting myself last. Being the doormat and accepting the emotional abuse.

But now I need something. Perhaps I need a friend with benefits , I miss the physical stuff, not just sex, the silly cliché things, someone to give you a big bear hug when you need it, someone to spoon with in the morning... its just physical now. And strangely enough, this is the things I didn't want the last year or so of my struggling marriage.

I understand why/how a person would want more of a feel good thing

Yes, I think this is it. But to what point until I get hurt again. Sigh. I am not ready, I thought I was, but all the stuff I tried to put to the back of my mind, has all come rushing to the forefront now. And because of one chat with someone who really is just facing the same situation as I am. I think my sympathy of his situation really clouded my thinking.

Last week something happened between two friends, and I happened to be the one that got caught in the middle. I was trying to protect a friend from being taking advantage of financially by the other friend. Long story there. Not through any fault of my own, but its just what happened. One of them called me a bitch. Usually if someone turned around and called me a bitch I would have been mortified. When he said it, I actually said, 'I am so proud that you called me that". And why, because I have always gone with the flow, done what everyone else wanted me to, and on this occasion I stood up for what was right, and for once in my life stood up to someone who clearly knew he was wrong, but is also a bully. I know I have become harder, tougher, because I have had to, and I know its not a bad thing anymore. Hurt and pain does change you...god knows how it took me so long to actually get here, but finally in that regard I have moved forward.

Ok, that was a huge ramble...... just was going to do a quick reply and now look.....

Thank you to every one of you who has posted here. What you may think of as a quick reply with your experience/thoughts is exactly what I have been needing to read and digest and make sense of myself.

Just an update to my initial post, which seems a bit trivial now dare I say... the guy sent me some stuff via email. On the bottom to sign off he just said Thanks!. When I replied, I ended of with Take Care. I am actually hoping NOT to run into him in the next few weeks... as it has scared me a bit to see how I reacted to a little bit of attention.

Your update shows that you are emerging from the gloom, and that youre not ready just yet for a relationship, but are ready to start the journey toward one.

As for your comments about losing friends... I hear ya! I did too, AND my family... My mum and sister piled on the pain by going back on agreements to help out with DS, snipey little remarks about dating etc when I got to that point.

I know life is better when you have another person to share some of it with, it's fucking lonely being a single parent sometimes and those in couples have NO idea of how precarious life is when everything is totally down to you.

I think you have to be pretty robust and sure about yourself to have a more casual relationship. I think you aren't there yet, but the only way you will get there is to slowly move forward in that direction.

Your 'bitch' story made me smile! good for you to spot your new strength, and hopefully if you reflect on this a little, it will show you that any new relationship you come to will be with the new and improved stronger being that you have become.

Bye bye doormat... it's gone.

The first thing I noticed when I was free of the bad relationship was that I could say NO. A lot of people didn't like that.

Of course eventually I realised that I was saying No to others AND to myself and I then had to work to say yes to more things, things that I wanted to do. But that is another stage of recovery for another time.

Just reread my thread back today, had a bit of a step forward today... well not sure if I should be proud or not really, today I had sexual encounter after being celibate for 18 months, but its been 28 years since I slept with someone other than my ex.

I should be jumping up and down with excitement shouldn't I?

It was a bit bleurgh if I have to be honest. Thought there was a bit of chemistry there initially, but yeah, not really. There was so much fumbling and 'how is that for you' questions that it just was not all that really.

So I am not sure if this fits in somewhere with the stages you referred to Hissy, but I am just emotionless about the whole thing. I certainly don't feel like I thought it would after being with someone else, after all this time.

It was just a unplanned occurrence really, someone who I have known for some time, chat every now and then, but I never thought that he would have any interest in me. But he probably was just after a shag anyway, and well, its okay as its probably how I was feeling too.

In case you didn't see further upthread, I am self employed, so wasn't shagging someone in the loo in the office . It did include breakfast at least which he supplied

So step forward or not, not sure right now... but in one way I am pleased that I can separate emotions from situations now, which I struggled to before.

Oh, and guy in initial thread. Had to ask him stock query last week, just messaged from phone, he replied all business like, so left it at that.

I do feel like a bit of a tart though. Fantasising about one bloke one week and shagging another the next. Gawd, so unlike me!!!!!

This is the time you find out the kind of "me" you want to be..

You're not a tart! You're starting to rediscover the joys of flirting and having a bit of fun . For what its worth, I think it isn't necessarily a bad thing to fool around with new people - you've just found out that 1. You can and 2. Maybe you don't want to just yet/or with that guy. Whatever, you're finding out as you go. Good progress. With regards to the initial guy - he's going to be in his own stage of the process....you can wait and do nothing, you can decide what stage of his rebound you want to be...he's not going anywhere.

I know this thread is fairly old now, if you remember this, just wanted to update again....

Guy from my initial post..the one going through a divorce. I have had no contact with him since that day we had our conversation, the other time was just work related and he was quite blunt.

Well, yesterday out of the blue he messaged me. Sent me quite a nice motivational video...and we chatted a bit.

And then he said this " if it isn't inappropriate, would you like to go out for coffee? Might be nice to throw some ideas around (I know he means work here) and also just let some positive energy flow..."

So I said yes, would be nice, not inappropriate at all and no pressure (said this as I don't want him to think I want to just meet up for a shag and vice versa). He knows I am going through a divorce as well, think why he referred to positive energy thing....

He said ok great, will be in touch... it was late by then (11.30) so just ended off with good night.

That's a result isn't it? Just wanted to share really...

If nothing comes of it, its fine... but a new friendship, if its just that, isn't a bad thing either for me at this point.

Sounds like it could be the start of a lovely friendship!

Would be nice Oh, I didn't hear from him yesterday, so will just leave it a bit. If I don't I might just send him a hi message in a few weeks.

I should wait for him to message me again though shouldn't I?? . not really up there on expert knowledge of what is and isn't done these days