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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found Dating Apps

71 replies

GreenGrapesRedWine · 06/02/2017 12:51

I'm shaking typing this, been with my boyfriend for seven months and he's the most affectionate, loving and perfect guy i've been with, he's so supportive and I really think i've found a keeper with him.

However, I recently added him to my family sharing so he can use my apple music. I didn't realise you can see each others purchased/downloaded apps. I've clicked into mine, it now gives me the option to look at his. I knew he was on dating sites before we got together, he was open and honest about it when we went on our first date but told me he'd deleted them. He's very open with his phone, leaves it around me, tells me I can go through it (I wouldn't) and shows me any messages he gets from his ex girlfriend regarding their DD.

I've found quite a few, some seem quite high up the list (if i'm right, apple goes newest to oldest in this list)

I don't want to fly off the handle and message him now, I can't tell if he'd be lying as we're both at work. I'm not sure how to bring it up, what to do, how to approach it. If it is dating apps that have been downloaded recently, he will be gone immediately.

OP posts:

Trills · 06/02/2017 13:56

That 7 months is not a very long time to know someone before becoming pregnant, presumably.

Original poster

GreenGrapesRedWine · 06/02/2017 13:56

myheartbelongstog your comment is offensive. My parents were together 3 months, fell pregnant and are still together 26 years later. So maybe 'oh dears' do work out! Thanks for your lovely input into this thread, it's really appreciated by the way!

If you don't have anything nice to say, you really shouldn't say it.

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Trills · 06/02/2017 13:58

I think the only thing you can do is ask him to delete the dating apps and then see if he does and if they disappear from the list.

I don't think it is "being hormonal" to find it upsetting to see them.

OnionKnight · 06/02/2017 13:59

They will not disappear from the list if they are deleted.

Original poster

GreenGrapesRedWine · 06/02/2017 14:02

Thanks for all your helpful replies guys. I'm not going to say anything, I think I just panicked. I do trust him and in my gut I don't think he's done anything. All your help is much appreciated

OP posts:

Trills · 06/02/2017 14:02

What will happen?

Is it possible to distinguish between "apps that are on my phone right now" and "apps that have been n my phone in the past but are not any more"?

TheNaze73 · 06/02/2017 14:03

You're sweating the "maybe" dating apps & your pregnant, after barely anytime together??? Think you have your priorities wrong here. Sorry if I sound harsh

MyheartbelongstoG · 06/02/2017 14:03

You've been together 7 months and you suspect him of being on dating sites.

He reads text messages out from his ex wife, why?

I think he's being clever.

Not meant to be offensive OP. no need to react in such an angry manner.

More of a, you're pregnant and this should be a happy time for you.

Just ask him.

Original poster

GreenGrapesRedWine · 06/02/2017 14:03

trills i'm not sure, it gives me the option to look at all the apps he's downloaded and then the ones that aren't on my device - which is most as he has hundreds of different ones. It doesn't let me see the ones he has currently on his phone I don't think.

OP posts:

Original poster

GreenGrapesRedWine · 06/02/2017 14:05

myheart I apologise too if you it wasn't meant in a personal attack. Hard to read the tone of internet posts sometimes!

I wouldn't really suspect that he was on them otherwise. It was only from seeing those apps at the top of the list which goes from newest to oldest. He's a good guy. I don't think he's done anything, just a sheer panic from my side I think

OP posts:

MyheartbelongstoG · 06/02/2017 14:07

You are not going to say anything??

You suspect him of being on dating sites, you are pregnant and you're going to keep schtum, why?

I suspect, you know the truth but don't want to hear it.

Does he know you are pregnant?

My guess, he's not that into it, pregnancy has happened too soon and he's having a look around.

Helpful?

Trills · 06/02/2017 14:09

I can see why people are worried that you are pregnant after only 7 months with a new man, especially if you've previously been in an abusive relationship.

Your parents may still be happy after 26 years but that doesn't mean it's always the best plan.

MyheartbelongstoG · 06/02/2017 14:09

No problem op, I hear you.

This will eat away at you if you don't say anything.

You should be enjoying this lovely time together not worrying about him being on dating sites.

What does your gut tell you?

MyheartbelongstoG · 06/02/2017 14:10

Why sheer panic op?

I remember that God awful feeling!

Original poster

GreenGrapesRedWine · 06/02/2017 14:11

Myheart You're right, it will eat away and i'd just like him to clarify why they are there. I don't care who/was before me in regards to dating and sites, as long as there hasn't been anyone whilst we've been together.

In my gut there will be a valid reason as to why there are there. I'm just not sure how to approach it.

OP posts:

OnionKnight · 06/02/2017 14:12

TBH if the apps are near the top then he has downloaded them recently without a doubt, OP people are just worried that's all and I agree with myheart although I would not be that blunt.

Original poster

GreenGrapesRedWine · 06/02/2017 14:13

I think it's because the last two relationships i've been in, when I had heard rumours/saw messages/had a gut instinct, it was always right. They had cheated.

He's the first person I've truly loved, that I feel would go out of his way to make me happy (i'd do the same for him) he really does look after me, does the sweetest things, spoils me with little gifts but more importantly his time and affection. I'd be distraught, that's why it was sheer panic.

OP posts:

Original poster

GreenGrapesRedWine · 06/02/2017 14:16

onion that's my fear, that he's recently downloaded them. My world would literally be shattered! I understand peoples concerns, I really do

OP posts:

MyheartbelongstoG · 06/02/2017 14:16

I've been there op. It was staring me in the face.

He may be up to anything but you won't know for sure until you look him in the eye and speak to him.

I didn't think I was blunt. Perhaps it seems that way as just text and no tone.

Sorry op.

Gingerbreadlass · 06/02/2017 14:19

👆 What Sandy says, go see if you can find him on the apps. You can see on most apps when the user was last active.

Or you go up to him and mention it.

MyheartbelongstoG · 06/02/2017 14:19

I hear what you are saying about previous relationships and that's why you feel this way. But, these are his actions, something he may have done and that's nothing to do with previous partners.

Again, I'm saying this kindly.

I was in an abusive marriage for a long time do I know how this plays with your mind.

WannaBe · 06/02/2017 14:22

It won't show you whether or not the apps are on his phone - if they've been downloaded they will appear in the list, regardless of whether or not he still has them.

Have just skimmed through my DP's family sharing, and I know for a fact that there are apps he's downloaded and subsequently deleted but they still show up because at some point they've been downloaded hence they are now associated with his account.

Just talk to him. It's entirely possible to do it in a non confrontational way, just say you skimmed through his apps to see if he had any you thought you might be interested in and noticed all the dating apps. No big deal, surely?

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 06/02/2017 14:24

I think you need to talk to him about this, otherwise it's going to play on your mind....you'll find yourself checking again and again to see where they are on the list of recently downloaded apps etc.
Just mention it honestly...that you happened to notice these apps and does he still have them on his phone? If you trust him and he's not hiding anything them it won't matter and you can put your mind at rest and move on.

FWIW, I was on every dating site going before meeting my current boyfriend (on Tinder) but I haven't told him that! Mostly because most of the apps are shit so I wasn't really using them and also because it's a bit embarrassing to have been on so many sites as it might come across as being a little bit desparate

Original poster

GreenGrapesRedWine · 06/02/2017 14:25

Right, i'm going on the hunt to see if I can find him on these apps. I hope he doesn't get any alert that i'm on them/new to the site and thinks i'm on it!

Here goes...

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Original poster

GreenGrapesRedWine · 06/02/2017 14:26

itoldyou he always told me he was only ever on POF & Tindr, clearly he wasn't and that's a lie but I also assumed he may not want me thinking he was chasing hundreds of women on these sites.

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