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Original poster

How to deal with being dropped by a friend?

33 replies

SouthernNorthernGirl · 05/02/2017 23:25

I've posted before on this, although I think I was at the stage of being 'weaned off' then.
I had 1 or 2 helpful responses, however it's because I didn't disclose in OP that my friend is male. People said it was relevant and I felt it wasn't. He lives with his male fiance, and so no romantic ties or possibility of it at all!
I took the advice I did get, and spoke to him about it, however he has ignored me.
I feel heartbroken. He's my closest friend, and I'm not sure what I've done. We've been friends for years, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I know it may seem silly, though I feel like I would if a LTR had just finished.
I don't know how I feel this way, I'm a fully grown woman, with a DH and DC etc.
How do I deal with it? Any advice?

OP posts:

springydaffs · 06/02/2017 01:28

Rejection is tough, regardless how old you are. Losing a friend is one of the most painful losses.

You just have to go through the loss - grief, really. It's not easy but you have no choice.

I'm sorry you're going through this very painful loss. It won't help you if you call yourself 'silly'. It's not silly to be heartbroken

MyheartbelongstoG · 06/02/2017 04:14

Sorry you're going through a hard time op.

How long since you have spoken to your friend?

YouHadMeAtCake · 06/02/2017 04:45

I am sorry OP. I am going through this too. I honestly have no idea why. It's so painful, it's like I'm grieving but I'm angry too. I've called, sent emails when messages were unanswered. We have been friends for many many years, our now adult DC all grew up together, she is godmother to one of them as I am to one of hers.

. I just want to hear from her why she's doing this. She in touch with other people so I know she's ok. It's crazy. Because literally nothing has happened that I know of to cause this. We live in different countries as DH and I moved away years ago but we were still very much in touch and I would visit her. I even dream about it. It's tearing me apart .im trying to treat it as I would if it was happening to someone else and the advice I would give is , their loss and they're bloody rude not to tell you at least why they've dropped you. But fuck it hurts.

Original poster

SouthernNorthernGirl · 06/02/2017 07:12

springydaffs Thank you. I think it's just because it all feels a bit 'school like' that I meant silly. I strongly expect I've been replaced too, though confused as to why it should make a difference to 'our' friendship.

Myheart I spoke with them at the end of last week. I'd been trying to meet up, with no luck. I messaged in the end and asked if we were OK, and if not how so? I did strongly put across that it came out of a place of missing our closeness etc. I tried months ago too, to no avail. I've been rapidly dropped more since then,

You Sorry you are going through this too

OP posts:

Original poster

SouthernNorthernGirl · 06/02/2017 09:10

It's all a bit hard really, as I have no idea what the problem is. I'm trying so hard and I feel like I can't do anything about it now.
Me asking about it has had the opposite effect of what I wanted.

OP posts:

Thinkingofausername1 · 06/02/2017 09:12

Hi could it be his new fiancé is controlling and doesn't want him to have friends. You know you friend and I think this could be a possibility

Herewegoloopyloo99 · 06/02/2017 09:35

I'm so sorry OP

Okay I can give you the perspective of someone who "broke up with" an old friend?

I don't want to give you the reasons why, as they're too revealing, but she changed her life and did a lot of things that I really hated. Not that i get a say in how she lives her life, or be all superior - that's not what I was doing - but I do get to choose who I'm friends with. Every time I saw her I felt uncomfortable and left feeling depressed. She tried to keep the friendship going, she kept trying to make plans and kept messaging to say she missed me. I felt terrible so I arranged to see her for drinks to tell her that I thought we were growing apart. I felt like I had to do that rather than "gradually disengage", like I'd been trying to do (which I thought would be less embarrassing for both of us. Obviously me the most).

I felt really nervous and it didn't go well. It was awful, so uncomfortable. But she deserved to know. I'm not sure what was worse though, telling her or not telling her!

So your friend may be trying to spare himself and you the embarrassment of that conversation?

I don't know. There's no right way. Losing a friend is hard and sad.

Do you have any idea why he's decided not to be friends anymore? In my case, I think my friend could easily guess why (I tactically said that we just didn't have anything in common anymore). In yours, it doesn't sound like it - so perhaps it's his issues?

Herewegoloopyloo99 · 06/02/2017 09:36

*tactfully not tactically

springydaffs · 06/02/2017 09:46

Absolutely certain that the issues are his. Ie to cut someone off so brutally points to him, not you.

You may never know what his gripe is.. or isn't. Dust yourself off - noone deserves this xxx

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/02/2017 10:02

Guessing that he was happy to be friends for a while but perhaps your friendship filled a gap that's now been filled by someone or something else.
Do you get on with his fiancé?

springydaffs · 06/02/2017 10:05

Friends for a while? They were longstanding friends of many years. More than a while.

Original poster

SouthernNorthernGirl · 06/02/2017 10:43

Thinking I don't think so, they have been together a while now. I don't think he has a problem with me.

Herewego Thank you for giving the opinion of the other side of this. I can't think of anything that has gone wrong at all though, that's the thing.

Donkeys We get on fine, we we do see each other. They have sometimes come to ours together, for game nights / dinner, although not often. I think his DF prefers his own company to anyone else's really. I do suspect I have been replaced, although I cant see why.

springy I think you're right, I may very well never know. It's the dusting myself off that I'm struggling with

OP posts:

Original poster

SouthernNorthernGirl · 06/02/2017 10:43

when we do*

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/02/2017 11:06

Sorry, not minimising OP, I did read fully; I meant while as in, a length of time.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/02/2017 11:11

I think his DF prefers his own company to anyone else's really

In that case wonder if it's his DP and regrettably your friendship got jettisoned.

Original poster

SouthernNorthernGirl · 06/02/2017 12:23

No problem Donkey
Perhaps it is, I'm not too sure.

Thing is, without a reason, the fact is still there. I've been dropped and it's horrible. I'm not sure how to deal with it, although I know it's the only choice I have.
I suppose any suggestions that may help the time it hurts are what I want.

OP posts:

Herewegoloopyloo99 · 06/02/2017 13:59

Yeah perhaps he's just gotten too wrapped up in his relationship. Is it new? Is his partner controlling? Maybe his partner is jealous of your friendship, as other pps have said...

gustofwind · 06/02/2017 15:54

I think I'm going through this at the moment too. No, I don't think - I know I am.

It's hard to hear it from the other perspective herewego I want my friend to be happy, I'd like to be around to see it... But, if I was making them unhappy, then I'd take a look at myself see if there was a valid point and I'd respect it. At least I'd know why. I think it was brave thing to do and the right thing.

It's hard to breathe sometimes, honestly. I miss it that much.

It's grief, I just have to ride it out. It really does suck. I feel for you OP

ieffinglovecacti · 06/02/2017 16:01

Grief is definitely the right word, I have over the last year been distant from a long time friend, not on my part, but on hers. I dont fully understand why, although if I did I don't think it would be any different, I'd still be hurting. It's awful, I feel like I've been bereaved, we've had so many fun times and gone through a lot together. You are not alone op, it's an awful empty feeling.

YouHadMeAtCake · 06/02/2017 19:00

gust

But, if I was making them unhappy, then I'd take a look at myself see if there was a valid point and I'd respect it. At least I'd know why. I think it was brave thing to do and the right thing

That sums it up. I just want, need to know. I miss my friend so much i cry over it and it ruins my mood when I think about it. If I get a message I hope its her but it never is. My DH says get on with life,,and he says oh she was weird anyway but I MISS her.

Original poster

SouthernNorthernGirl · 07/02/2017 07:58

I'm sorry to everyone else who is going through it too. It's awful, and not something widely spoken about, unlike divorce / separation / no contact with family etc

It's rather hard to know what to do, and I can't stand feeling this way really. I feel like I need Kalms or something to help the wrenching feeling

OP posts:

GabbieAbbie · 07/02/2017 09:00

I've been through this and at the time it felt worse than splitting up with a lover. However, with time things have got easier. My advice is it's probably not about you, if you know you haven't done anything clearly awful then it's something going on with him. And just because you want to deal with the situation by talking things through, does not mean that he wants to do the same thing: you have to respect his choices.

I tried way too hard to sort things out, when actually i should have just stepped away and given my friend some space. In the end i deleted their contacts from social media so I no longer saw snippets of their life, and i refused to talk to mutual friends about them, so again i wasn't reminded of what they were up to. I would say that about 4 months after i did this i suddenly realised that I no longer thought about ex-friend every day and I was no mentally beating myself up because they didn't want to be my friend anymore. Now if i think of ex-friend it's only to hope that everything is going well for them and that maybe in the future circumstances will be different and we might be friends again.

Oblomov17 · 07/02/2017 09:42

The thing is op, what can you do? Seriously? You can't make someone explain/like you again/want to be friends with you again.

Accepting it is hard. But you must. He ..... sees the friendship differently to you/feels differently to you. Obviously.

Oblomov17 · 07/02/2017 09:45

I was dumped by a school mum, who I considered my closest friend. The pain..... but that was over 5 years ago now and now I'm totally over it, totally fine. You will be too.

Kione · 07/02/2017 09:56

Just offering a point of view from the other side.
I broke up with a friend. We were fine until she broke up with her partner and "left" her job. She was obviously insecure and made up that she was fine, but she started treating me like crap. She treats her mum like this too and everyone can see it. I was starting my dream job and I think this had a negative impact. I never rubbed it on her. If we were at a party and I spoke to someone she'd roll her eyes, etc. and the last straw is when she used to joke in front of other people about private things that I've shared with her.
So I just cut contact (also had a miscarriage so it happened quite naturally for me) and was hoping that she would ask. She never did and still tried to arrange meet ups. I imagine she can guess that I am finally fed up but she just looks the other way.
I can see that you have tried to ask what has happened. It is not fair that he won't tell you.

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