Putting your husband before your kids

[floatingawayfinally]

Me and H are in the process of separating. One of his accusations of why he thinks our relationship hasn't worked out I s that I put the kids before him. This baffles me. Isn't that what a parent should do? Our kids are quite young, under 5 so still very needy. Just wondering whether anyone else has come across a man child like this who sees his own children as competitors? I have come across some people who think that should be your order of priority if you want a successful long term marriage but I just can't imagine that this is a normal way to think.

In your example of moving I would have seriously considered it. Quality of school is not an absolute science and there is much to be played off against that in terms if learning another culture or language. In that example im not at all sure it's as cut and dried as you seem to think.

I agree with most posters - it's not a black and white situation. It doesn't usually need to be a direct choice between dh and dc. Neither need to always be 'put first'.

There are three of us in our family and we are all equally as important.
Ds is only 3 so dh and I care for him more than we care for each other. Adults do their own lunches and ironing but obviously a three year old doesn't.

I would be reluctant to move half way round the world for dh as I have friends and a career here. Then there's ds's schooling.
We would need to be assured that life for both ds and I would be good not just dh.

Hmm I do sort of think you should put your DH first but not in the ense of day to day caring, more like prioritising a night out every week or two (yes even with babies once 4-6months). Ensuring my bf babies took a bottle of ebm was important for me because I wanted to ensure DH and I could spend time alone, even if only a two hour lunch.

Children > DH > Me.

However I wouldn't put myself last if I wasn't 100% sure that DH priority list read children < me < Dh.

I think yours should be:

Children < you < yourself < you < nice things < separated h

Oops I clicked up Dh's priority list didn't I

Everyone in our family is valued equally. Sometimes one of the kids needs something from me, other times I need something from my DH, other times he needs something from me. The nature of kids is that they are generally less able to meet their own needs than adults are to invariably they will come first most of the time, but I cannot say that they are the priority all the time. Sometimes I put my needs first, other times I put my DH's needs first. It depends on the level of need at the time.
I think kids need to learn that the world does not revolve around them.
I would not drag my kids from place to place in order for my DH to follow his career because that could wait whereas the kids need stability.

I wouldn't want to move because I don't want to move, regardless of what the schools were like.

To be honest it is him who prioritises other less important things over our relationship. He is very ambitious and driven so work is normally number one unless someone is seriously hurt or sick. After that he has other commitments outside of the work (hobbies, business ventures, voluntary work) which take up a lot of mental and physical time. Initially I admired how he was a go getter and rarely procrastinates as I have problems actualising what I want to do. However he doesn't appreciate that he is able to devote so much time to his interests and aspirations because I am doing the lion share of household and childcare activities. I have complained in the past that I am the kids mum and dad. To top it off when I have suggested in the past we go out alone, or take a short break together to reconnect he says not without the kids! It basically feels like he wants a personal assistant rather than a wife with her own needs and wants. What I neglected to mention is that yes my kids come first for me in most cases however bottom of the hierarchy in our family is most definitely me with me having to be the grown up while he flits about like a teenage boy with no responsibilities. He is the breadwinner in the family (partly because he bullied me to stop working) does pay all the bills and take care of big family expenses. However after that everything is optional for him.

With 2 little ones under 5? IME, this is always code for 'She didn't play 1950s wifey for me.'

Kids first. Every time.

Hope the separation is permanent and that you have a good lawyer!

We both put the kids first I think. However, kids are getting a bit older now and I feel we need to make more time for each other. Our eldest is nearly a teenager and in less than 10 years the kids will be leaving home. I believe we need to start looking after each other a little more now or we will have nothing g when the kids move on.
As for 3 kids under 5, I can see why the kids are put first. I've been there and only now starting to realise we need to make more time for ourselves at this stage.
I do think your Dh is being childish, the kids are small , but that won't be forever. They grow up fast. They need ye're attention now but that'll fade and if he was willing to get through this phase. ... ye will be able to make more time for each other in the not so distant future.

In a given moment, it's generally necessary to put the children first at that age - it's not reasonable to keep an infant waiting if they are in need of help!

I know a number of couples who would say that they prioritize each other over the children, and what they mean is that they make the health of their relationship a priority, even if it means some time away from the children, or slightly fewer activities or playdates for the children.

In practice this often seems to mean a 'date night' once a fortnight or month away from the children, a weekend away for two every year, children not sleeping in the parents' bed (beyond a certain age), children's bedtimes early enough to allow parents time together, limiting working hours even if it means fewer holidays or no private schooling (where parents can afford to not work maximum hours, of course) etc.

And - albeit only anecdotally - the marriages where the parents prioritize their relationship in this way seem to last and be happier, on the whole.

But these things are not always possible (for example, under extreme financial or health pressures), and there are many factors in relationship breakdown, so I am emphatically NOT suggesting that your divorce is because you didn't do this. Perhaps there's an element of truth in what your husband said, perhaps not, but if the marriage is over, there's no point in blame. My sympathy to you.

He sounds like a narcissist tbh. Have a read up about the way they behave, it's all about them always. If you are doing everything on your own you may find life easier without having to deal with someone who takes and never gives you anything back.

If he's turned down the chance for nights out / weekends away with you by saying 'not without the kids' then to now complain he always comes last to them seems hypocritical. Sounds like he wants it all ways that suit him.

Whilst I would consider a family move because of a job is a joint decision, I think your dh just wants to do what he wants, when he wants with no regard to you or the kids.

I probably prioritise my kids needs and wants over mine and my relationship too much but that's because I feel good about it. I'm thinking lately that it's not beneficial to them for me to run around for their benefit all the time! It seems to have become the norm though.

To be honest it is him who prioritises other less important things over our relationship

Sorry, my earlier post overlapped with your update describing this. I know that no-one's perfect in any relationship, but it really sounds like he's being most unfair to lay the blame for the marriage breakdown substantially at your door.

So essentially the problem is that he expects you to be the 1950s wifey. All subservient to his needs. You must bring the dc on a weekend away = nice family image with you doing the work. You all trail after him for big dick job = he earns and you fix the family.
Him first. Image of family second. You last.

You have hit the nail on the head exploded. He is a very selfish individual and I regret it took me 7 years and 2 kids to realise it. He wants me to spend my downtime I.e when kids are asleep pandering to him yet didn't want to give up any of his time for days/nights out or weekends away. I'm trying to keep strong and not reflect too much on what I could have done differently. He is selfish even with the kids in some respects. Definitely puts his comfort before theirs.

I have left 2 year old with him to find him fast asleep with 2 year old wandering alone because his sleep is more important then ds2 being supervised. On a family trip abroad he sat far away from me and 2 kids (not intentional initially but did grab the chance) and left me to handle dc howling for daddy on an early morning flight. I leave them with him for the day and when I come back the house is a total tip (can tolerate for a day off) but more annoyingly kids are not in pyjamas, haven't brushed teeth, they are sleeping in our bed and haven't had dinner so I have to move them potentially waking them up and then if they do wake up feed them. I could go on and on. When they were babies not changing their nappies or feeding them when I'm out because you will be back soon. Once found him sleeping whilst ds1 was stood in a corner with soiled clothing. He couldn't wake up his dad and didn't know what to do. He was only 3 at the time. It makes me angry writing this. I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt. Some people are crap with small children but then he came with this bonkers idea that would disrupt the stability and security of our family. Can't be bothered to be scenery in his one man production and though I feel desperately sad for my children don't think it would be good for them either.

I think you've made right decision moving on from this. I hate these men. He wants you to be mother, wife and girlfriend, with a big smile on your face telling him how great he is and how grateful you aare for him. Onwards and upwards :-) xx

kids are not in pyjamas, haven't brushed teeth, they are sleeping in our bed and haven't had dinner

That is outrageous, and neglectful not to feed them. You are absolutely right not to give him the benefit of the doubt - he is a poor parent, a poor husband and a poor partner and you will be better off without.

Wow. What a prick. The only problem now is going to be contact as he can't be responsible for overnights.

Had you just written a post about not wanting to be a trailing spouse, I think the responses would have been different. As there is a wealth of opportunity besides education for children. However in your circumstances, I think divorce is a very good option.

He sounds like a complete narcissist as well. It sounds as though he has no concept that he can't look after them. So do be careful he doesn't try and abduct them when he moves abroad or if he returns to visit. For me, this goes one of two ways, he either tries to take them or else your children never see or hear from him again.

In all honesty, after reading all your posts, I think you're well shot of him. You've been doing all the work with the kids anyway so far, so no difference there - and you won't have him demanding you pay attention to him once the DC are in bed now, you'll have some time for yourself.

He's never adjusted to being a husband and a father - he's expected to carry on his single man lifestyle, with you all as accoutrements to that lifestyle and you there to do all the donkey work.

Good riddance to him.

My DH isn't a whole lot better, in that he also prioritises work and his sport and personal needs over the children, the house, and me - but he doesn't make demands on me in the same way and he doesn't bully me into doing stuff I don't want to. As the children are now older, he's better at doing stuff with them, but actual taking care of them - nah, he's a bit shit still. He'll take them out from 10 til 2, for e.g. and bring them home starving because he's "forgotten" to give them any lunch.

But I have no doubt that he loves us all - he had a bad upbringing in many ways, and was left to become the selfish manchild he has - and my life WOULD be harder without him than it is with him, plus we still love and care about each other.

My ex was lazy and selfish. We were not a partnership. Everything child/house/garden/life related was my responsibility.

He wanted to move away from our hometown, my friends, family etc. to the coast. Purely so we could live in a larger house with period features. I told him to shove it. He told me I was unsupportive of his dreams. I divorced him. The end. Or rather the beginning. Life is so much better without him.