I chose to leave the man I have loved for 7 years becuase he hasn't grown with me

[IloveDisney89]

I was with him for 7 and a half years and for the duration of the relationship I always felt loved. I could see it when he looked at me ..he gave me everything I asked for..even things I wanted that I didn't ask for. He used to write me love poems with my breakfast and every card he gave me was hand drawn and beautiful (made me cry so many times). They are now in two big wooden glass frames and look incredible. He took me on spontanious holidays (Paris in Dec 16) and knew me inside and out. Hes gorgeous, body to die for, strong, intelligent, sensitive and caring.

He was my first ever love and it felt so amazing for 7 years having those feelings mirrored back to me.

But ... there is always one right ... he was a strict vegetarian (his water has to say suitable for vegetarians otherwise he won't touch it ) and he did not like to be disagreed with. This meant..no meals out..no takeaways...no going out for a drink (he drinks no alcohol) no socialising with my friends or his..no clubbing ..no going out for a coffee etc etc. He would say to me that he would only say something if he knew he was right. So I was always arguing with him because i never accepted what he was saying. That made me the idiot.

I'm a strong minded person who can't just accept something that doesn't makes sense..especially if I believe im right. We argued quite a lot..over stupid things..once over a fly ..another over spilt popcorn ..literally spilt..popcorn.. because I'm saying it's no big deal and he's saying I'm selfish.

Anyway he decided when we were in dubai to tell me that he doesn't want kids...but if he had them he wants them to be with me. .. also he doesn't want to get married because that what old people do.

But my issue was that with all this going on... he did nothing adult in our lives together. By that I mean... didnt manage the bills..didnt cook..didnt go shopping and tidy up or clean anything. He didn't drive and got mad at me when I slept instead of picking him up from the train stain 0.6 miles away at 10:40pm when I had to be up for work at 5:30am.

He would go back to his parents house from a Friday to a Monday and his mom would cook, clean up after him wash his clothes and buy his food (he's 32 now). I have spoken to him multiple times about helping me .. but he is happy to eat cereal three times a day out of one cup.
He brings food from his moms house back to ours ..that bugs me.

The straw that broke the camels back was buying a house ...he was happy to search online for the house and give me cash for a deposit and rent (although he didn't pay rent or bills consistently when we lived together ..he just told me to take it..again clearing him of responsibility) but he said he doesn't want to be part of the mortgage application because....he doesn't like doing those kinds of things...I went alone. Everything alone.

He does nothing adult in his life but go to work and that's only 6 hours a week as he is self employed..he doesn't like people telling him what to do.

So long story short .... despite how much we said we loved each other .. it wasn't enough for me because he didn't want to take responsibility for any of the things that adult life brings. I have been doing it all alone for the past 7 years. And despite all of this... I still love him massively and can't imagine not knowing him. But I had to leave love and being loved because he did not grow with me and isn't adult enough.

So it's true .. love doesn't cure everything..That's not what you strive for in a long term relationship. The most important thing, for me anyway is that the person can drive, manage finances , cook, clean and not be reliant on his mother to do his washing and make his dinner every night. Someone who I can trust to support me in life and to make me feel safe and secure..someone to share my adult difficulties with and not do everything alone ... you don't need love for that.

It's heartbreaking...especially as Disney has always taught me that love conquers all. (I'm 27)

[IloveDisney89]

Maybe you are right noego (great spanner by the way). Maybe I was the one holding him back from embracing his younger self and forcing him to pay bills and go food shopping and cook when that's not who he really is inside. I was preventing him from flourishing and living the dream of being a kept man forever .

You are so right. There is a person out there who is probably dying to be loved by him and give him everything for nothing in return....I am not that person....but I won't deny that I tried to be...in my brief moments of madness lol.

You're wrong about me striving for a romance novel though ... I just want someone to have the ability to cook me dinner every once in a while after getting home from 16 hours at work and he's been there all day. Someone who knows how to use a washing machine or come and get me if I'm stranded at 3am in a county Lane... That's all. Romance is nice but not essential

Oh and caffelatte100 - he does know. He is devastated ..doesn't want it to happen ..says he blames himself and doesn't hate me.

[SandyY2K]

A man can be romantic and write you notes and do all the lovey dovey stuff, while also being able to cook, clean, get on a mortgage and do what other adult men do.

I don't think wanting romance and a grown man are too much to ask. Don't settle for less than you want.

My DH is romantic and that doesn't stop him from paying the bills, searching for cheaper providers or cleaning up after himself.

He said can be a bit lazy with cooking, but not to the extent of your Ex.

Are you sure he doesn't have some learning difficulties?

[cowgirlsareforever]

He sounds like a childish, selfish prick.

[Mellifera]

Haven't read the answers but you did the right thing, no doubt.

I'm amazed you lasted 7 years with someone who never cleaned and never socialised with anyone.

That's not a partnership. If you're a couple you do things together, the fun things, the sad and hard things and the boring things. Sounds like you did them all alone.

[IloveDisney89]

SandyY2K he doesn't have learning difficulties he's incredibly intelligent owns his own business and has a science degree... I always said to him that he suffered from OCD.. I can't begin to tell you the other things that he would do... but I can't be horrible becuase i know he really struggles with it.

He always said he doesn't like people and he finds conversations in person to be a horrible experience..he says his brain is constantly thinking "what should I say next ..is that the right thing to say" and he is relieved when it's over. If he's talking about his favourite things then he is fine.

He just struggles socially.. but a diagnosis is a weakness he would never admit to.

Obviously there's two sides to every story and I am far faaaarrr from perfect. I can be selfish too.

Mellifera - you're right. The fact that he wanted to pick the house and not be part of the mortgage process annoyed me. I had to all that alone and it's stressful..he didn't want to know. Didn't even respond when I told him I was buying one. One day I pushed him for a response and he said he hoped i had dropped out or forgotten about it ...

[noego]

It seems to me sometimes that people write, produce and direct and star their own movie (life) They assign roles to the people who are in that movie. Be it parents, siblings, bosses, partners etc.
When they do not live up to the role they have been assigned the writer, producer and then the director, kills them off.
Sometimes it is better not to write a script and see what happens. Did he really make you unhappy or did you make yourself unhappy because he doesn't fill the role you require for your movie? Will anyone fill the role you have created?
Just another view point!!

[Huskylover1]

He sounds ridiculous and a bit boring!

Listen, my son is 20 next month and my daughter is 18. They both live away from home (at Uni), manage their own money although I do send them top up money, cook from scratch most nights, do their own washing etc.

My son could pop home at the weekend, as his Uni is local enough to, but he doesn't...he stays in his flat, with his GF and they function as a normal couple, without any help from Mummy.

Don't get me wrong, they do visit, and when they do, I spoil them. But your Ex BF was going home every weekend to Mummy....at 32!

[IloveDisney89]

noego - you're viewpoint intrigues me.

Like I said in my original post he did all the romantic gestures a girl could ask for ... rings ..perfume ..holidays ..heart shaped bagels for breakfast, he knows me and makes m laugh and the sex was ... ..wow lol. I'm not saying those things didn't make me happy ..of course they did who wouldn't love all of those things.

My dilemma is that he did not grow with me in those 7 years and did all the practical stuff in the house ... managed the bills cooked..cleaned ..laundry ..food shopping etc etc. He didn't want to be on the mortgage with me and didn't want kids and marriage because that's for old people ...he said.

You know what noego ... you remind me of him. He would say exactly what you have done. During an argument he would say ... It's not his fault that I'm upset/mad/angry..I chose to feel that way ....therefore I can choose not to feel that way ... so it's not his problem..it's mine.

Yes it made me unhappy that he didn't help me practically in my life..but I'm not the only one who would be.

Huskylover1 - there is nothing wrong with you helping your 18 year old out..That's what parents have to do to help with the transitioning.
His mom did apologies to me for spoiling him ....

[noego]

I can empathise with him.

So he is non conformist, unconventional, individualistic. Probably unselfish in his giving of love. lets life unfold rather than try to control life. It is fact very Zen.

Your thoughts are your thoughts. You can choose to believe those thoughts or not. That is your choice.

A belief in thought gives them power over you, when in fact a thought is not real. Especially a thought about the future. But in essence all thought is unreal.

Who amongst us can really predict the future?

[toptoe]

Actually, I see him as being very selfish. There is nothing zen about living with someone who forces you to make all the adult choices alone and doesn't pay their way.

[toptoe]

And some things are not just thoughts, they are fact. Like staying at your mum's all weekend. Never attempting to socialise with your partner. Not paying the rent/bills. Those aren't the op's beliefs, they are facts - the actions of her ex who doesn't want responsibility but is happy for others to shoulder his for him. It's burdensome living with someone like that.

[rollonthesummer]

He sounds like a man child who was once able to pull off a couple of big glory gestures (poetry and trips away) which impressed you.

Who pays the bills? Honestly, he sounds like a complete loser!

[MrsTerryPratchett]

But the real message is,. "I'm too good to do mundane things, but you're not". And that's not love.

[BofAlorsStance]

There is nothing remotely zen about a bloke who can't pick up a teatowel and won't cook. If he's zen and chilled it's only cos he has had his mum and gf running round after him.
Be thankful you have not had kids with the twunt.

Haiku

Cocklodgers aren't zen
They find a mug to take from
And go on taking

There you are. A poem for your breakfast. I am sorry you feel sad but you were not even reading the same book let alone on the same page. I wish you all you want and more...but with a guy who can commit, can look after himself and walks the walk rather than just paying lip service. He's out there. Be realistic but Don't settle.

Avoid:

m.youtube.com/?#/watch?v=OJ9VBMBS3qE

[teawamutu]

Noego, are you by any chance OP's ex?

[ImperialBlether]

He sounds completely bonkers.

How is he funding a mortgage when he only works for six hours per week?

Why on earth did you go out with friends without him for so long? And why put up with him going home every weekend?

This has been an incredibly dysfunctional relationship and I think you should have counselling before you even think of having another one.

[zznotxy]

Introduce him to noego, I'd pay good money to see how that one went!

Well done for recognising it for what it was and good luck.

[steppemum]

I really don't think that he loved you.

Romance isn't love, anymore than (as someone up thread said) icing is the cake.

If you love someone, you do compromise, adapt, put the other one first, work together on the chores and the boring stuff.
You step up tp the mark to do your part, you do stuff that wouldn't be your first choice just because the person you love wnats to.

In your relationship, he wasn't putting you first, or even putting you as a couple first, he was putting himself first. the only love in that scenario is his love for himself.

I am so sorry you have poured 7 years into this. But fairytale romance is not love.
Love is deeper stonger and more sacrificial than flowers and trips to Paris. Love is being prepared to go outside of your comfort zone for the person you are with.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said he was not an adult. As an adult yourself, you need to have an equal adult as a partner. Loving anyone who won't step up and be an adult is basically an unequal parent/child type love. Except he isn't your child.

[SparklingRaspberry]

Haven't really got much advice but it's 2017, I'm a vegetarian and have no trouble what so ever going out for dinner or getting takeaways.

If it's veggie it will say so.

I agree with him with not eating things if it doesn't say it's suitable for vegetarians - because that means it isn't.

For a lot of meat eaters this may be hard to get your head round (some people have called me extreme) but what's the point of going veggie if you're still eating things with dead animal products in? Or things that have been cooked with animal fat.

He probably used that as a reason not to go out for dinner because these days almost everywhere caters for veggies/vegans.


Anyway, it sounds like you made the right decision. He doesn't seem to wanna grow up. You'll realise one day you've done the right thing.

[Bluntness100]

Noego, are you just gagging to take care of some bloke, pay his bills, provide him with a home, do his laundry , transport him everywhere, take responsibility for him, go everywhere alone, etc? Or is it you would like that done for you?

I ask because your position is an unusual one, so either you love a bloke who does fuck all or you yourself are the same as the ops partner? Which is it please as few people would think this mans behaviour is acceptable.

[steppemum]

Well quite Raspberry, everyone I know who is veggie manages to eat out.

[Only1scoop]

He sounds about as 'Zen' as my arse

[Only1scoop]

Sorry Op

[IloveDisney89]

Only1scoop- no need to apologise

All the bills are in my name ..he doesn't even know what bills I pay or how much they are. He says he has savings ..so wold just give me cash. He doesn't like direct debits or using his card ..he didn't even have a contract phone..I'm not going indulge in that issue becuase it makes me sound worse

I guess every meeting friends alone it just became normal... people stopped asking and it got easier.
When he stayed at his moms I would visit and sometimes stay over ... so I guess my actions enabled him to carry on the way he was. But it was just easier than the arguments and the disappointment .

I know that I have made the right decision ...even more so now after everyone's nice comments .. ..however ..I don't know what I think about counselling..lol. I do know that I won't be rushing into any relationship any time soon.

[RRainyDay]

I also think that you have made the right decision

Sometimes relationships come to a natural end
I think for you at this point there were too many negatives and not enough positives

I would put this relationship down to experience and move onto bigger and better things

Enjoy some time with your family and friends and make some new goals and try some new things