I chose to leave the man I have loved for 7 years becuase he hasn't grown with me

[IloveDisney89]

I was with him for 7 and a half years and for the duration of the relationship I always felt loved. I could see it when he looked at me ..he gave me everything I asked for..even things I wanted that I didn't ask for. He used to write me love poems with my breakfast and every card he gave me was hand drawn and beautiful (made me cry so many times). They are now in two big wooden glass frames and look incredible. He took me on spontanious holidays (Paris in Dec 16) and knew me inside and out. Hes gorgeous, body to die for, strong, intelligent, sensitive and caring.

He was my first ever love and it felt so amazing for 7 years having those feelings mirrored back to me.

But ... there is always one right ... he was a strict vegetarian (his water has to say suitable for vegetarians otherwise he won't touch it ) and he did not like to be disagreed with. This meant..no meals out..no takeaways...no going out for a drink (he drinks no alcohol) no socialising with my friends or his..no clubbing ..no going out for a coffee etc etc. He would say to me that he would only say something if he knew he was right. So I was always arguing with him because i never accepted what he was saying. That made me the idiot.

I'm a strong minded person who can't just accept something that doesn't makes sense..especially if I believe im right. We argued quite a lot..over stupid things..once over a fly ..another over spilt popcorn ..literally spilt..popcorn.. because I'm saying it's no big deal and he's saying I'm selfish.

Anyway he decided when we were in dubai to tell me that he doesn't want kids...but if he had them he wants them to be with me. .. also he doesn't want to get married because that what old people do.

But my issue was that with all this going on... he did nothing adult in our lives together. By that I mean... didnt manage the bills..didnt cook..didnt go shopping and tidy up or clean anything. He didn't drive and got mad at me when I slept instead of picking him up from the train stain 0.6 miles away at 10:40pm when I had to be up for work at 5:30am.

He would go back to his parents house from a Friday to a Monday and his mom would cook, clean up after him wash his clothes and buy his food (he's 32 now). I have spoken to him multiple times about helping me .. but he is happy to eat cereal three times a day out of one cup.
He brings food from his moms house back to ours ..that bugs me.

The straw that broke the camels back was buying a house ...he was happy to search online for the house and give me cash for a deposit and rent (although he didn't pay rent or bills consistently when we lived together ..he just told me to take it..again clearing him of responsibility) but he said he doesn't want to be part of the mortgage application because....he doesn't like doing those kinds of things...I went alone. Everything alone.

He does nothing adult in his life but go to work and that's only 6 hours a week as he is self employed..he doesn't like people telling him what to do.

So long story short .... despite how much we said we loved each other .. it wasn't enough for me because he didn't want to take responsibility for any of the things that adult life brings. I have been doing it all alone for the past 7 years. And despite all of this... I still love him massively and can't imagine not knowing him. But I had to leave love and being loved because he did not grow with me and isn't adult enough.

So it's true .. love doesn't cure everything..That's not what you strive for in a long term relationship. The most important thing, for me anyway is that the person can drive, manage finances , cook, clean and not be reliant on his mother to do his washing and make his dinner every night. Someone who I can trust to support me in life and to make me feel safe and secure..someone to share my adult difficulties with and not do everything alone ... you don't need love for that.

It's heartbreaking...especially as Disney has always taught me that love conquers all. (I'm 27)

[ProfYaffle]

I can see a lot of your relationship in how me and my ex were. We were also together 7 years and I was 27, him 32, when we finished. The best thing about that relationship was it taught me everything a relationship shouldn't be.

I had 9 months of being single, had a ball. Really enjoyed those few months. Then I met my now dh. I was determined not to fall back into the same traps and because I'd had such a good time between relationships I was prepared to give up dh and go back to it if I wasn't happy with him.

The experience taught me high standards and contributed massively to happy relationship I have now. (together 17 years, married, dc) Don't feel you have to 'learn' to love someone just because they're good at being a grown up.

[Embekkisson1]

Actually I was sayingbto my DH of thirty + years that a marriage only works if the man has exactly the same interests as he's wife . My DH will still go to the ends of the earth to make me happy and doing what I do makes him happy .

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

I really want to be kind because you are obviously sad, but ffs give your head a wobble.

There are plenty men out there who will make your heart leap and your knickers drop AND be capable of paying bills, doing their own laundry, having fun and being proud to be seen with you and even ordering a veggie curry from the local takeaway.

This is not the end of romance, it's the beginning of it.

[HandbagCrazy]

I think you've done the right thing. As you've got older, your responsibilities have grown and it's shed light on the differences between you.
Think about it - you would have had the time / money / energy to plan wonderful surprises for you if you didn't have to do any of the mundane everyday adult stuff like get a mortgage, pay bills and got to work on time.

Its ok to be frustrated that you can't have the life you wanted and that disappointed that he's not fighting tooth and nail to keep you.

FWIW, I think it's brave to leave now and give yourself a chance to be happy 💐

[IloveDisney89]

I do understand that..of course I do. My dad and grandfather are perfect examples of men who can be loved and who are functional. And there have been men who have posted on here who are functional.

My point is that ....when choosing to be in a relationship the impprtant thing for me is how a man functions and whether that fits me over love because love can grow.

Sorry if I sound ridiculous to some of you.. it's just how my brain is thinking right now .
Who knows in a few months time I'll have a different view as it won't be so red raw x

[IloveDisney89]

Thank you LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett for considering my feeling but I want honest opinions ....it's why I posted.

ProfYaffle - thank you for sharing that. Yay for high standards and 17 years of happiness

[Zaphodsotherhead]

But...but...there are literally thousands of veggie and vegan restaurants out there! Do you mean he wouldn't go to a single one of them because he didn't know if they were telling the truth about their ingredients or not?

Because that's not even sensible. Are you sure he wasn't just too mean to pay?

[IloveDisney89]

Zaphodsotherhead. - that's exactly what I'm saying. He used to say that eating was a necessity becuase it kept him alive. If he didn't have to he wouldn't do It.

I sure know how to pick um' lol

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

In that case, I'll let it rip

He was controlling. He controlled you - the things you did, the people you saw. This desire for control led to him becoming orthorexic - obsessive behaviour over diet. His need for control was such that he had to go back to mummy every weekend - he needed to revert to his child state because when we're in a child state, everything revolves round our needs.

In short, controlling baby-man with severe food issues. Not A Catch.

[SandyY2K]

I'm sorry to say, but his behaviour wasn't normal. There are a fair few men out there who don't act mature, but your Ex is /was in a league of it's own.

Eating cereal from a cup because he won't /can't cook and not wanting to be on the mortgage are on the extreme side.

If I'm being honest, him having children would be a very bad idea. What exactly would he teach his children to do when he can't do anything for himself.

Please don't think you're going to meet another like him, he's very rare and not in a good way.

[Twooter]

Sure it wasn't a wife he was going back to at weekends?

[Ellisandra]

If you want to take your relationship lessons from Disney, please remember frozen, and Anna and Hans.

[IloveDisney89]

Lol Twooter If only that were the case ....

Thank you all for the comments. It's helped me realise that it's for the best. But I'll be staying away from men for a significantly long time and just focus on me.

Tx

[IloveDisney89]

Ellisandra...lol I loved that Movie... of all the disney bad guys Hans is the worst. Thank you I'll remember that. #lovetheshadeyourethrowing

[Only1scoop]

"Love can grow"

I agree 100 percent

All the grown up stuff needs to be already emerged with your future relationship

I admire your honesty, don't compromise on the important bits you have grown to desire.

[Imstickingwiththisone]

It's a blessing he doesn't want children or marriage because he would be a shit dad and you'd be doing even more of the donkey work alone then.

You really don't need to look for a normal person and hen just hope that love will grow. There are plenty of men who you could fall in love with and can look after themselves and be a loving partner.

Please don't think otherwise or your expectations will be too low and you will find yourself in only a marginally better position. Remember that if you're capable of doing something then so is a potential other half and don't excuse any laziness because of a few romantic gestures.

[caffelatte100]

What a weird guy you've described! Most of that would drive me absolute nuts! Is there something wrong with him, he sounds so odd and so inflexible? He sounds so serious yet unable to take responsibility for anything at all and very immature. Definitely would not have children with someone like that. Have you told him yet? How did he react?

[LaPharisienne]

He sounds like a massive tool. And what lonnyvonny said about heart leaping and knickers dropping a million times over!

Next time I suggest you focus on whether YOU like the chap, not on how much he seems to like you (hand drawn cards, expressions of undying love, willingness to sit through lots of Disney bullshit or whatever you go for).

[Char22thom]

I could relate to a lot of what you were saying, I was in a similar relationship for 7yrs from 22-29yo. He was a few years older than me. He was controlling in a really subtle way that I didn't even realise until the relationship was over. He wouldn't say he loved me, and whenever I said it to him he replied "that's good then". He would go back to his parents frequently, even when we bought a house together, he never commited to children but never said he didnt want them either, not until the end. He would never repsect my view/feelings on anything as he was always right and could never understand where I was coming from. WE broke up and I left, sold the house and got back the £ I had put in. I lived alone for 18mths, which was very hard and I didn't enjoy that time at all but it was vital for relection and forward planning. I met my now DH and fell madly in love, he moved in pretty much straight away and we were married 15mths later. He is a true gentleman and I count myself lucky that I got to meet him and spend the rest of my life with him. Good luck and stay strong xx

[Finola1step]

You're absolutely right that when you love someone, you work together, compromise, build a life together. Give and take. But you were doing all the compromising and giving.

Grand gestures are lovely but do not maketh a life together.

[Monkeypuzzle32]

I was just about to say what Twooter has just said-mmmm, not sure that's not the case but you're well rid-creepy love poems and his controlling babyish behaviour for starters!

[Bluntness100]

I think sadly this man will be alone for a very long time. He is clearly unable to function as an adult and has no desire to do so, he wishes to live in a bubble where he is cared for and does as he pleases, he simply wants another mum.

He is also displaying some very unusual behaviour, the veggie thing is weird, I know a couple of veggies, and they happily order a veggie meal or whatever. He also probably suffers from some anti social disorder, where he doesn't wish to socialise, go out to restaurants, be responsible for his own transportation, or even be responsible for himself, he's also extremely selfish and shows no empathy for a partner, so I'd guess some quite serious mental health issues.

It's sad, but I doubt he will be able to make a relationship work long term unless he seeks help.

[Thepurplehen]

Someone once said to me "don't take notice of what a man in a relationship SAYS, take notice of what he DOES".

He's 32, he's not going to change.

It's normal to want to go out for a coffee, meet with friends together, eat out etc.

Where's his commitment to you by him learning to do things he doesn't really want to do? Why doesn't he want to learn to drive so he's not a burden to you?

You might love him but loving him won't give you the life you want to live.

[noego]

You are not in love with him. Pure love see's past all of those criticisms you mention.
You are in love with a pseudo love, a romantic notion that everything is rosey and what you are striving for is seen in the perfect romantic novel, Striving for a relationship that you have been programmed and conditioned for by society that you now believe is the norm.
He is simply being himself. Take it or leave it.

He is better off without you. IMO.