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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's a complete lazy cocklodger but yet I can't get the balls to go

27 replies

PlayOnWurtz · 05/02/2017 16:19

He's not had a job for 2 years he does no housework and is a miserable spiteful bully to me and the kids and to top it off is always "too tired" for sex.

I have disabilities and am the sole breadwinner in the house. I want to leave. I need to leave. I hate this house and I hate this area and it's why I will leave not expect him to.

The final straw was today. We went out for lunch, I said we had a budget (money is tight) and can we stick to £x a head please when looking at the menu (more than manageable for the place we were eating at). He decides to go for something twice the price meaning I have to cut back on my meal in order to be able to afford it. He does this all the time. Shopping, I'm making savings and he's merrily spending like it's water. I'm sick of it.

Even with all this I CAN'T BLOODY LEAVE! It should be easy but it's really not. The prospect of being on my own with all my health issues and sole carer of the kids is terrifying me!

Can I get a pep talk please?

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 05/02/2017 16:23

I used to be terrified to. How would I manage with an 1800 mortgage and three kids.

I felt trapped for years.

Then one day, I'd just had enough. He smacked me in the face with a laptop and was gone the next day.

Being on my own wasn't half as bad as I thought.

You can do it OP.

See what support is out there so can get your ducks in a row.

Ilovecaindingle · 05/02/2017 16:25

Years of being told we had no cash etc. . . Major lying incident and threw him out. . Never been so well off!!
HE IS A SPONGING FOOK SO GET RID!!

SandyY2K · 05/02/2017 16:28

Next time leave him at home and tell him why he's not coming.

If you're married, you may have to pay alimony, so see a solicitor.

It doesn't seem like he adds any value to your life and I really hope you find the strength to leave him ASAP.

TBH, I'd loose respect and attraction to such a man and have no desire to be physical with him whatsoever.

ImperialBlether · 05/02/2017 16:30

You do need to get rid - he's literally eating your money! He's selfish and lazy as well as being spiteful and nasty.

You're in a great position in that you'll be so much better off financially as well.

Come on, get rid!

Lucked · 05/02/2017 16:30

Well you are on your own, he isn't on your team!

You would not be sole care for a he children if he is the father you would get a break at times when hey visit him. Think about all the energy you would save not runnng after him. Also your general wellbeing will improve with space from him.

Do you think he might position himself as the SAHP to get residence of the children and then child maintenance?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2017 16:34

You state you are the sole breadwinner; is he not working? What is the situation re the property.

TBH you are pretty much on your own now. What you describe here is really a slow death by 1000 cuts.

You were targeted by this individual OP: yet another reason to be shot of the cocklodger.

You can leave and you should leave. What you are showing your children is an appalling example of a failing and failed relationship here. Show them that there is better out there for you all.

Womens Aid as well can and will help you leave. 0808 2000 247

SandyY2K · 05/02/2017 17:40

OP - If nothing else focus on this......

is a miserable spiteful bully to me and the kids

Parents should protect their children.... He obviously isn't, in fact they need protection from him. That means it's down to you.

I don't know their ages, but if this carries on as they grow, in adulthood, they'll remember they had a dad who bullied them and a mum who didn't get them away from it.

What a poor excuse for a husband and a father their seeing.

Shame on him.

mamakena · 05/02/2017 17:44

Are the kids his? If not please for their sakes leave. This is not a good environment, and they need a model of what a healthy relationship is or isn't. Staying with such a scumbag can hurt them for life emotionally and relationally. Even if they're his kids it's better to have a peaceful happy home for at least 1/2 the time.

I left such a man after only 1.5yrs marriage for the sake of my kids. We're all soo much happier!

Original poster
PlayOnWurtz · 06/02/2017 22:23

I think I accidentally ended things.

We just had a row about how I'm sick of coming in from work to the house being a shit tip and that I'm sick of him not working. Told him I'm so stressed out its making me ill. Told him I don't feel respected or wanted.

As if to prove my point he told me "well you need to do some bloody housework I don't feel you respect me at all!"

I tried to end it nicely. I tried to say I want him to be happy, I clearly don't make him happy so have another shot. I then said I need to be happy. The kids deserve happy parents. He tried some emotional blackmail, refuses to accept the split and wants me to not go to work tomorrow so we can talk it through.

I feel sick.

OP posts:
Lucked · 06/02/2017 22:30

Well you need to go to work tomorrow, if you are well enough, just shows he doesn't understand the importance and responsibility of what you do!

Whenever this talk does take place you need to stand strong, he won't change but when he realises you are serious he might offer you the moon on a stick - it will be lies and empty promises.

Lucked · 06/02/2017 22:30

Sorry should have started with a well done!!

SandyY2K · 06/02/2017 22:34

He realises you've had enough and now wants to work on it.

You go to work and he wants you to do housework as well, while he does what exactly may I ask?

You are his financial provider and he doesn't want to loose the supply, because let's face it, whose going to want an unemployed lazy man for a boyfriend!

He's a liability that you'd be better without.

He's in scramble mode, but you ought to stand firm and let him see you won't stand for his lazy horrible behaviour, it's very damaging.

RandomMess · 06/02/2017 22:36

You are done with talking, just tell him no!

YouHadMeAtCake · 06/02/2017 22:37

He sounds revolting. How can you stand to even look at him? Why would you want sex with this man anyway?! If you won't LTB for yourself , leave for your DC.

JK1773 · 06/02/2017 22:40

He's panicking because he realises you're serious. He doesn't want you to go to work because he wants to 'work on you', persuade you he'll change. He won't change because he doesn't want to. Every single time you find fault with him you will be to blame. I've been there, it's absolutely exhausting and never gets any better. It sounds to me like your strength and resolve is growing. You can do this! Definitely! And yes you will worry about how you will manage but you will, and you'll be so much better for it. Good luck

SandyY2K · 06/02/2017 22:41

I don't feel you respect me at all!"

And why would you respect a lazy, dependant, bullying man?
He doesn't deserve respect.

I know a family like this and the wife did everything. Paid the mortgage, bought the food, paid the bills and when the Government gave a discount on the electric bill (because he was over a certain age), he asked his DW to give him the cash equivalent, because it was him who qualified for the discount.

The DC are grown now, but they have no respect for him and say he was a useless dad, leaving everything for their DM to do.

When I see this kind of thing, I ask..... "Would you want your daughter to marry a man like you?"

scootinFun · 06/02/2017 23:00

Please do leave this waste of space! You and the kids will be happier for it.

tallwivglasses · 06/02/2017 23:40

Oh god OP, how many more years do you think you can go on having the joy sucked out of you before you become a mere shadow of yourself? You know it's not going to get any better Sad

tallwivglasses · 06/02/2017 23:42

Btw no sex? As I said on another thread he's a cocklodger without a cock. Get rid.

Rainbowqueeen · 07/02/2017 00:16

It sounds like you are doing everything anyway so actually life will be easier and you will have more money if you do split.

He is absolutely panicking now.

Stay strong, move on and have a fabulous life without him dragging you down Flowers

TwoTicketsToTeesside · 07/02/2017 02:46

He sounds awful. If he doesn't pull his weight, contribute financially or treat you kindly what DOES he actually do?

He is going to promise all sorts to make you stay though. You're his meal ticket, he won't be letting you go without a fight. Stay strong!

WelshMoth · 07/02/2017 03:39

Why won't he work OP?

Expat38matt · 07/02/2017 05:52

Well done. Now stick to your guns.
I once spent over a year talking to a friend about ending her awful abusive marriage. In the end I told her "if you wont leave for you leave for your son" and she did
Even so I think her son is pretty fucked up from what he lived through/ it's tragic

Isetan · 07/02/2017 12:17

I think I accidentally ended things.
Err no you didn't end it. You've somehow managed to let him manipulate you into taking a day off work to be talked at by him about your resistance to his poor behaviour.

There are always roles in relationship dynamics and yours is enabler. He treats you like shit because he's a shit and because he knows you'll take it. You aren't powerless but for whatever reason you have surrendered your power to this man. Do you think you can't do better? Better the devil rather than no one.

What stopped you from up and leaving the minute he ordered the expensive food? Instead you compensated for his bad behaviour, by taking responsibility for it at your expense, that'll teach him!

Poor boundaries invite a lack of respect, the good news is, you're in charge of your boundaries. It's time you start modelling respect by respecting yourself enough not to prioritise someone who doesn't.

If you do take time of work to talk, don't waste it by being talked at by him. The conversation you need to be having is with yourself because the answer to your question is internal and whatever the payoff is that drives you to stay with someone who clearly doesn't respect

Adora10 · 07/02/2017 14:48

Why even engage with him, sounds like you just go round in circles, threatening to leave, he begs, you stay, make your mind up and stick to it, he does not need to know until you are actually ready to leave.

you might be on your own but at least you won't have a lazy scrounger to deal with.