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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Accused my other half now feel awful

70 replies

Happyfoodie50 · 05/02/2017 12:43

Just wanted to advise anyone that is going to accuse their other half of anything..check the facts before jumping in.
Just been round my partners we both live round the corner and went round to cut his hair and he made me breakfast.We get on really well but he has a history of cheating on his wife so I can be abit on over alert knowing what he's capable of. He has a history of being over friendly with his female work colleagues and I have a suspicious mind as I have found texts with random colleagues that he doesn't mention.He has gone away with work but says he's on his own when he's actually been with a work colleague.I know it sounds like I'm abit controlling but I suppose I hate shady behaviour and like things in the open.I do trust him because he spends all spare time together.I stay over a few nights a week but have kids, dog so not always possible.
Anyhow saw a receipt for flowers on his table..he has never bought me flowers or his mum is allergic so immediately felt sick. I then said I felt ill and was going home, I didn't even wait to find out anything . Anyway he was suspicious and pushed me to find out what the matter was.. I then admitted I saw a receipt for flowers. He then told me he had bought them for a grave!! I feel so horrible . I apologised but he just turned and threw me out of the house. How can I come back from this faux pais??

OP posts:

Atenco · 05/02/2017 15:13

This man will do your head in, OP. No matter how naturally chilled you are, you know he is a cheater by nature.

Forget about morals, that is the main reason I would never go out with a cheater.

Original poster

Happyfoodie50 · 05/02/2017 15:14

I know so do I so don't think it's odd to have them but this was on the top of a pile of work receipts and really visible. I didn't go snooping but obviously being flowers it caught my eye . I now feel bad for even seeing it as giving him another reason to think I'm a psycho bunny as he likes to describe me!

OP posts:

BlueFolly · 05/02/2017 15:18

It doesn't matter if he's cheating or not - the fact is it doesn't sound like this relationship is making you happy.

BonnyScotland · 05/02/2017 15:21

I'm not buying the 'Grave' garbage either... it all sounds like alot of hard work OP... honestly... and a man who calls you a psycho bunny is not a nice person... it sounds like he's draining the sanity out of you girlie x

Ellisandra · 05/02/2017 15:27

You don't by flowers for a grave, you buy them for a person.

My fiancé goes to his wife's grave every week to feel she's still with him, and he fills her in on family news. Always takes flowers.

If I saw flowers at him house and said "oh those are nice" he'd say "yes, I'm taking them up for Emily later".

It was a knee jerk crappy excuse to make you feel bad. Because - a grave! How insensitive can you be, right? Except it's you that has come up with the stillborn daughter - not him.

If it were true he'd have said - I bought them to take up to , I don't often but it's 15 years and I wanted to mark it.

Not just "for a grave".

All the other shit without this incident would be enough for me to dump him.

SandyY2K · 05/02/2017 15:51

If he was a serial cheat with his wife, why would he be any different with you?

I mean it's not like he only cheated on her the once is it.

Here's your clue

he called me that before when I found a flirty text with a married work colleague

He's told you to leave so that you can never mention anything suspicious again.

He asks why he'd cheat on you... The same reasons he cheated on his wife I expect.

Has he ever expressed remorse for his cheating during marriage?
Has he reflected on why he cheated?

Unless he's done some serious self reflection and looked within himself, he's going to continue cheating until he isn't physically able to.

I'm not saying that a cheater won't or can't change, but the flirty texts show he has poor boundaries given his history.

Original poster

Happyfoodie50 · 05/02/2017 16:02

I agree it's weird as he hadnt mentioned even going to visit so I'm just assuming it was for that back in December. I didn't look at the price or date as just saw Flowers as was only thing on the receipt . It was on the top of a pile that he had saved. I just thought they were all for work expenses.Why would he have a December receipt on the table after he already had a clear out after Christmas?
We have broken up before over trust issues . He often says he can't be with me as I don ' t trust him but he gives me reasons to not. Nothing major but little things and then contacts me again and we carry on again. The other day I popped round to his and he didn't answer the door , kept knocking and eventually opened it up saying he hadn't heard me. This happened twice in a row.He then jumps up and opens the door for anyone else. Are these games or am I just going insane?

OP posts:

Thepurplehen · 05/02/2017 16:06

Can you find out where the grave is and take a look?

understandnothing · 05/02/2017 16:19

What does your gut say? I can tell you that my gut says you would be happier out of this. Flirty messages with married colleague? That's bad enough without everything else. Throwing you out? An accused innocent person would be hurt, a guilty person is angry - goes the saying, not the exact words but you get the gist.

BlueFolly · 05/02/2017 16:21

Nah, once you're going round checking dead children's graves, that's a sign that this is not the right relationship for you, surely?

AnyFucker · 05/02/2017 16:23

The truth is staring you right in the face, op

Don't expect him to come right out and admit it though. These type never do.

SparklyMagpie · 05/02/2017 16:30

Christ

OP get rid

Serialweightwatcher · 05/02/2017 16:52

It just doesn't sound a happy or comfortable relationship for you at all and it will only get worse because he doesn't try to be decent about it and understand your concerns or stop winding you up in one way or another - you need to have a good think about if it's worth all this

Original poster

Happyfoodie50 · 05/02/2017 16:55

It would certainly be nuts to do that but I see the need for facts. I would never do that he's not worth it. The problem here though is not easy as I can easily walk away when I've found clues before, eventually though he always comes back and I'm unable to move on, I miss him dreadfully and let him come back. He tells me no one else matches up to me, he is really romantic.. actually as I write this I'm thinking of the abusive cycle where you get love bombed , then discarded .. it feels I'm in that type of cycle

OP posts:

Miserylovescompany2 · 05/02/2017 17:37

A loving relationship doesn't make you feel like you are going insane. An emotional abussive one does.

Off and on. On and off. This is NO way to live. Censoring your words because you know if YOU dare to speak them he'll twist them back onto you.

The receipt could of had a recent date on, had you called his bluff I bet the receipt would have strangely been lost/misplaced or tossed in the bin? Or he would of given you one of his "you don't trust me" speeches?

He will do just enough to keep you dancing to his tune. If he fancies a little change, he'll simply create an argument, you'll split up, then he'll Hoover you back in.

Why? Because he can.

rosabug · 05/02/2017 17:54

If he had genuinely bought them for a grave and you made a genuine mistake I don't see why he would be angry. That's a classic attack/defence move to make sure you think twice before accusing him again. You're on the back foot already. I think he's a bad 'un.

Original poster

Happyfoodie50 · 05/02/2017 17:55

I feel much better reading this feedback coz when I got home, I was in a panic and needed to talk to someone.. no one was home and my friends have already told me the same. I have a whole list of things he's done . No real evidence though so I do sometimes think it's in my head.I was trying to leave after I saw the receipt but couldn't hide my emotions. He knew I had seen something and so I told him but I'm angry with myself as I gave him more amunition to think I'm jealous. The thing is I really don't care if he's friends with his work colleagues but he works as a salesman so he says his job is to be friendly to get sales! He opened his phone up the other night and saw he got a text from a female that works for him. Could have been innocent but I just get this sick feeling and can't ask him as try my hardest not to be a nightmare girlfriend who is questioning everything but I'm turning into my worse nightmare.

OP posts:

pog100 · 05/02/2017 17:57

Any man that "goes mad at me" when you ask for reassurance, is not worth continuing with.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2017 17:57

he is turning you into your worst nightmare

Guiltypleasures001 · 05/02/2017 18:10

I think he's deliberately setting you up and watching you torture yourself with doubts.

He leaves out receipts
Texts you can see
Won't answer the door
Call you a psycho bunny
Does nothing to allay your fears
You have plummeting self esteem and confidence issues
Your tying yourself in knots constantly

Cut the line op and throw this one back. Your twisting in the wind 😣

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