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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Accused my other half now feel awful

70 replies

Happyfoodie50 · 05/02/2017 12:43

Just wanted to advise anyone that is going to accuse their other half of anything..check the facts before jumping in.
Just been round my partners we both live round the corner and went round to cut his hair and he made me breakfast.We get on really well but he has a history of cheating on his wife so I can be abit on over alert knowing what he's capable of. He has a history of being over friendly with his female work colleagues and I have a suspicious mind as I have found texts with random colleagues that he doesn't mention.He has gone away with work but says he's on his own when he's actually been with a work colleague.I know it sounds like I'm abit controlling but I suppose I hate shady behaviour and like things in the open.I do trust him because he spends all spare time together.I stay over a few nights a week but have kids, dog so not always possible.
Anyhow saw a receipt for flowers on his table..he has never bought me flowers or his mum is allergic so immediately felt sick. I then said I felt ill and was going home, I didn't even wait to find out anything . Anyway he was suspicious and pushed me to find out what the matter was.. I then admitted I saw a receipt for flowers. He then told me he had bought them for a grave!! I feel so horrible . I apologised but he just turned and threw me out of the house. How can I come back from this faux pais??

OP posts:

Original poster

Happyfoodie50 · 05/02/2017 13:18

I know.. he always blames me if I accuse him of anything so I don't usually say anything. He went away with work the other week with 2 female colleagues. He told me upfront that he was going with them and made a big thing of saying that he knows I like it all in the open but didn't mention he was going out of his way to pick them up and travel together and I often see receipts with 2 coffees on.He even said he was travelling on his own.
I suppose there is no reason for him to cheat, we don't live together or have any joint purchases. It would be simple to separate so these are probably just work colleagues and I'm being silly.
I wish I didn't constantly mistrust him and now don't know why I rushed to accuse him of anything before finding out the facts!

OP posts:

Serialweightwatcher · 05/02/2017 13:20

Just occurred to me that if he had bought the flowers for that reason, wouldn't he have said "I bought them for my daughter's/so-and-so's grave", not just "a grave" - sounds very odd to me and I am probably very cynical but sounds like he may have used that excuse before

diddl · 05/02/2017 13:22

" How can I come back from this faux pais??"

Why would you want to?

He has called you a psycho bunny & today threw you out of the house?

You don't deserve to be treated like that even if you were wrong.

Original poster

Happyfoodie50 · 05/02/2017 13:24

Just realised after recreading last message that I am a complete wimp and stop blaming myself. This is what a cheater does .. you start making excuses and overanalysing everything .. I know what to do !

OP posts:

Scarlettablue · 05/02/2017 13:26

My ex had "no reason to cheat". Like you we didn't live together. He continually told me how much he loved me and what a great relationship it was. Men who compulsively and repeatedly cheat don't do it because their relationship is not satisfactory or because they don't want to be in it. They do it for all sorts of complex psychological reasons including insecurity, low self-esteem, emotional immaturity and/or I need to continually prove that they are attractive to the opposite sex.

P00pchute · 05/02/2017 13:28

Scarlettablue

Yes! This.

P00pchute · 05/02/2017 13:33

Throwing you out seems like a huge over exaggeration to make a show of his 'outrage,' and to turn the tables from it's being his place to give an explanation, to you having to apologise and say 'please forget all about it.'

Also throwing a person out, or storming out yourself is generally what people tend to do when they've been caught out in a lie, as it buys them extra time to invent details to cover their own arse, and avoid immediate questions that they don't have an answer for yet.

joystir59 · 05/02/2017 13:37

"A grave???" I too think this is dubious. Anyway- from you've said OP you do not trust him- you are looking at his phone, checking his receipts. Its no way to carry on a relationship IMO, so see this with the flowers as a wake up call for you OP.

pocketsaviour · 05/02/2017 13:40

I suppose there is no reason for him to cheat, we don't live together or have any joint purchases.

Why would there be no reason to cheat? The fact you don't live together or share finances makes it easier for him to fuck other women, not harder!

TickTickBoomBoom · 05/02/2017 13:41

I suppose there is no reason for him to cheat - cheaters don't need a reason to cheat - they do it because they can.

And yes, anger and name calling is a common reaction of a cheater trying to deflect the attention off himself and onto his partner.

AshesandDust · 05/02/2017 13:44

I'd question why he is leaving reciepts out for you to see. I mean a receipt flowers or 2 coffees - who keeps those?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/02/2017 13:46

Do you mean he's chucked you out as part of a dramatic thing or that he's chucked you out and broke up with you?

Miserylovescompany2 · 05/02/2017 13:47

The whole going mad scene was most likely created to turn everything around onto you. So this man doesn't buy you flowers (did he ever?) I don't think they were for a grave...

KurriKurri · 05/02/2017 13:49

Gaslighter alert - he's cheating and he wants to make you feel as if you are being psycho. Ditch him.

Even if the 'grave' story is true on this occasion, anyone with a known record of cheating has to man up and accept there will always be an element of mistrust in any relationship he has.

BertieBotts · 05/02/2017 13:50

YYY - Scarletta is spot on!

OP you can do so much better. Don't settle for this crap. And if you think that being blamed or turned upon for reasonable questions is acceptable or normal or excusable in a relationship, you probably need to examine your beliefs about relationships, and massively raise your standards. Trust me, life and relationships are so much better when you do!

TheOriginalAngel · 05/02/2017 13:50

You deserve better.

Go and get better

JovialNickname · 05/02/2017 13:51

I hope you gave him a really shitty haircut

Teepish · 05/02/2017 13:54

Jovial that really made me laugh

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/02/2017 14:07

OP, don't do this any longer, he's thrown you out 😡, stay out.
He doesn't deserve you, and the longer this goes on, the worse it'll get.
Walk away, give yourself the opportunity to meet a nice man, there are plenty out there. He is a liar and a cheat.

NameChange30 · 05/02/2017 14:12

"I feel like a psycho bunny - he called me that before when I found a flirty text with a married work colleague. He goes mad if I don't trust him.. gets angry and blames me for questioning his behaviour."

He's a lying, cheating, disrespectful arsehole. And possibly abusive (not enough info to tell, but it wouldn't surprise me).

Do yourself a massive favour and LTB.

isseywithcats · 05/02/2017 14:26

iagree with everyone else this is a leapord whos spots havent changed when i first got with my ex one of the things he kept saying to me was you wont cheat on me will you, turned out while we were in a long distance relationship he was living with his partner and kids, told me he was seperated and he caught her in bed with another bloke, found out way to late after he had been kicked out by her and moved in with me what the truth was, after i caught him cheating on me for the third time that was it me and him over and him gone, and if you are questioning his fidelity now before you live together then you will be constantly wondering where he is if hes out of sight, looking over your shoulder , my ex and i worked together on our own business so we were together 24 hours a day and he still managed to cheat

Original poster

Happyfoodie50 · 05/02/2017 14:53

Thanks, I get it I suppose I talk myself around and he is the one that says.. why would i cheat on you, if I was wouldn't I just be with them, I do this for you and that ...blah blah.
He just acted really hurt and said you better go home as you don't trust me so didn't manually push me out but all the same it's suspicious. I do realise that if you start mistrusting you get irrational over everything and that's how I feel. The other thing was he said did you see the date.. I didn't as it was on the back. It was a date in December and could have been the date of his daughters death as it was before Christmas but why have a receipt on a table for anyone to see. I think anyone would wonder who the flowers were for!? I hate that I'm feeling I overreacted as I'm naturally a chilled person.

OP posts:

OnionKnight · 05/02/2017 14:57

I leave receipts out all the time.

OP you don't trust him, bin him.

SparklingRaspberry · 05/02/2017 15:08

OP, the fact he says he's going away alone when really he's away with a work colleague without telling you is enough reason for you to finish with him!

I don't know whether he brought these flowers for the grave or not.

It sounds like this man has a habit of making you feel guilty when you bring up a problem you have.

SparklingRaspberry · 05/02/2017 15:09

Although in all honesty I don't see the problem with him leaving receipts lying around? I do this myself.

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