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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In shock, he's getting married

32 replies

Dineoutone · 04/02/2017 21:34

Having just posted about life being tough.. literally this second found out the following news and I feel like a mess.

I was with my ex for 3 years and we lived together. I moved from London to York to live with him as his job moved. He then decided to take a job in Australia a year after we moved to York. I was heartbroken and it was messy, but I got over it quite quickly, mostly due to the shock of the lies I think. He didn't even tell me he was thinking of moving there!

Anyway, fast forward 10 months and he's engaged to an Australian.

It's made me feel so shit. I don't want to be with him, and we weren't right together, but I was the one who was the homemaker, marrriage was on my agenda but he was always saying it was something he wanted 'in the future.' And now he's engaged after 10 months...I know deep down it's not a reflection on me, but I feel like I wasn't good enough, and also feel almost angry that he has everything I wanted when he strung me along thinking I was building a future with him.

This is a badly written post, im just in shock.

OP posts:

SleepFreeZone · 04/02/2017 21:36

Perhaps it's a fast track way for him to stay in Australia?

Teaholic · 04/02/2017 21:37

You're allowed to feel cross about the time you wasted I think.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 04/02/2017 21:38

Oh love. Of course it hurts. It's allowed to. Sounds like you've got the logical stuff all figured out, but you're still allowed to have a little cry for the life you thought you'd have and the man you thought he was.

You know it's no reflection on you. You have a great life ahead of you to live. In a similar situation I was told that in a years time everything will look completely different - it helped, and it did.

BonnyScotland · 04/02/2017 21:39

I agree with SleepFreeZone.... it's absolutely a Visa marriage... happens alot

FourToTheFloor · 04/02/2017 21:45

I don't think you can say it's absolutely a visa marriage Bonny. If he's already got a visa it will make no difference and while it's tough to get into Australia once you're in it's easy to get PR.

It's shit though OP and it sounds very sneaky of your ex taking you up to York to then feck off to Australia.

Original poster

Dineoutone · 04/02/2017 21:47

Thanks so much!

I just feel like how could he be so anti commitment with me, after how much I changed for him, moving from London especially.

Maybe it is for a visa. It does seem crazy that he would do this after how insanely selfish he was when we were together.

I just can't get over the fact that I wanted all of that so much, and he seemingly didn't, and then he goes and has it all within a year and I've been on my own ever since the break up. God that sounds pitying doesn't it!!

Miserable tonight :(

OP posts:

mrsenasharples · 04/02/2017 22:50

This happened to a friend. XP didn't want to get married or have children yet within no time at all had both.

It's fine to feel angry for a little but just let it go and be glad it was only three years. There is someone much better out there for you.

SandyY2K · 05/02/2017 00:44

You weren't the one for him. That isn't a reflection of you, it also doesn't mean he's a bad person for that reason either.

That's why I always say, if you aren't getting what you want out of the relationship (like marriage), then end it and move on.

RacoonBandit · 05/02/2017 00:49

This is going to sound harsh but maybe you just were not the one.
Nothing to do with visa marriage
Just he was not that in to you.
If he was you would still be together.
Sorry OP.

TheStoic · 05/02/2017 00:55

I'm always wary of people who are in a long term relationship, but say they are not interested in marriage and/or children.

That's fine if both partners are on the same page.

If not, when that relationship ends, the uninterested party so often miraculously changes their whole life view with their next partner.

mumgointhroughtorture · 05/02/2017 01:12

I totally get this. I was with my ex 7 years he never wanted to get married. We had a child together and went thru a lot. We split and within a couple of months he was chatting to an Australian. Within 10 months he had gone over to meet her. I couldn't even get him to go to the shop for me and there he was flying to the other side of the world for this woman , who was 20 yrs older than him. He emigrated after 2 years and left our kids, got engaged and was the perfect man for her. I used to see photos thru social media that ripped my heart in 2 but then he got his feet under the table , his visa application in and changed completely. Hes now in prison out there..karma!
I would say the visa application is a huge decider in the engagement. The weather and the way of life out there is enough to make most people utter 3 little words regardless if they agree with marriage or not.

LarkDescending · 05/02/2017 01:27

I have totally been there. Spent 6 years together but still commitment-shy, and the first I heard he was leaving the country was when he phoned from the airport (actually I was at a funeral and it went to voicemail, so by the time I picked it up his flight had taken off). That is one April Fool's Day I will not forget.

We never spoke again.

At some subsequent point he married and had at least one child, though I did not find out until much later.

It all hurt like hell for a long time. Sorry, but there's just no getting around that.

I did however move on to better times, and so will you.

MrsBlennerhassett · 05/02/2017 01:35

Its always shocking to see someone you loved with someone new and its painful. But the positive side of it is that its a type of closure. Like ripping off a plaster it hurts more short term but long term theres less lingering pain and confliction because you truly know that person is never coming back to you.
Focus on your future now because he obviously wasnt the one for you and there will be people out there more suited to you and what you want from life. It can also be exciting and fun to find them.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 05/02/2017 01:53

I can fully understand your envy, as I think you still love him, and That's no crime or shame, after all. You didn't part because you fell out of love. You parted became he moved away. .

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2017 02:11

Dineoutone "It's made me feel so shit." that is a real shame, and I think you can impact that yourself, you can move away from feeling shit. You will need to grieve this but then you can go on and meet your Mr Right.

Please remember this bit, "I don't want to be with him, and we weren't right together"

You do not want to be with him. You want to be with someone, but he is not your someone, and you are not his.

Just move on with your life, make your own plans and find the person who you will spend your life with.

"I know deep down it's not a reflection on me" Bring that deep down feeling up to the surface, it is not about you and it does not reflect on you. Please grieve and then move on. All the best.

Bct23 · 05/02/2017 09:00

You just weren't his "one" unfortunately and that's the sad bit and the hard bit to deal with.it doesn't mean your relationship
With him was wrong but not every relationship works out and this one didn't. Every experience in life makes us stronger!

tribpot · 05/02/2017 09:09

This happens quite a lot - person who has previously been anti-commitment, anti-marriage, eventually breaks up with the partner who was pro and then quite quickly meets someone else and appears to undergo magic transformation.

It doesn't reflect on you. No-one can make themselves want commitment with a particular person, however much they like or even love them. What it does reflect on (again) is him - he knew what you wanted to get out of the relationship and that he could never offer that. But he chose not to do the decent thing sooner. Now, he may not ever have really examined his motivation in that much detail, people have incredible powers of denying what they're doing. Likewise you could look at why you moved to York when he clearly wasn't offering any definite commitment, just vague comments about 'the future'.

Next time around you will hopefully be better able to spot the "commitment phobicity nightmares" to use Bridget's phrase. In fact Vile Richard was exactly this kind of tosser.

Inexperiencedchick · 05/02/2017 09:14

How about a month? Your ex at least spent a year, mine got married within a month. Same saying: "I will get married but in future not now"
After those words I knew I won't go further with him and I stepped back.
And he got married. Why? I guess there was someone already.
Try not to think about it. You will ruin your health otherwise.
It will really get better 💐

TheNaze73 · 05/02/2017 09:40

You weren't the one for him.

loinnir · 05/02/2017 12:23

OP you were a loving, caring and trusting person - you did nothing wrong. He is the one who betrayed your trust and abused your loving nature. He is a coward for phoning you from the airport! Bet he was relieved your phone went to voicemail. What a swinish way to behave.

I was treated in a similar fashion in my early twenties but told a week before he emigrated and expected me to organise a leaving party and be fine about it. It was damaging because it left me not trusting my instincts - I really had no inkling it was coming, turned out mutual "friends" knew and I felt like such a fool and utterly humiliated.. I was left with no friends to trust, an expensive 1 bed flat I couldn't afford - so homeless and penniless. He was too "frightened" to tell me he wanted to leave apparently. I hope he suffered. I never actually wanted to marry him or thought he was "the one" but it still amazes me that someone I knew for so long could treat me like that and be so underhand and leave me in such shit a long way from home and whom everyone universally thinks of still as a "good guy"

It is horrid being "tricked" and then to see your ex getting married and happy must be a huge kick in the teeth.

Original poster

Dineoutone · 05/02/2017 18:17

Loin - that's exactly how I felt and exactly how he behaved, 'too frightened.' God knows what of as I compromised so much for him.

You're all right though. I didn't want him within 2 weeks of it ending, so I shouldn't let this bother me. We weren't right together and I knew that. Feels unjust I guess, but then that's life isn't it!

OP posts:

Surreyblah · 05/02/2017 18:23

This happened to me in my 20s (without australia) and in retrospect the signs he didn't want commitment with me were all there, but I ignored them.

You mention that you moved cities for him etc - I had planned to do the same, but deep down knew he wouldn't have done so for me. Yet still did so.

Original poster

Dineoutone · 05/02/2017 18:26

Surrey, I was the same. I've learnt a lot from it, and I would never compromise like that ever again without commitment from the other person.

I was 24-26 when it happened so I guess still young for that sort of mistake.

Are you with anyone now?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 05/02/2017 18:29

'This happens quite a lot - person who has previously been anti-commitment, anti-marriage, eventually breaks up with the partner who was pro and then quite quickly meets someone else and appears to undergo magic transformation.'

Yep. This is why I hammer it home to my kids that when people tell you who they are, LISTEN to them. If you want marriage and commitment, the second someone tells you they don't, you drop them.

I'll wager you London to a brick he's doing it to stay in the country, too.

Surreyblah · 05/02/2017 18:31

Yes, am married with DC now!

It's a very hard but useful lesson. You say you felt deep down that it wasn't quite right at the time - so perhaps you can rationalise it.

I was convinced he was "the one" and quite severely depressed for many months after the break up, and still feeling low got into an abusive relationship.

But all was well in the end!

A couple of years later I met up with my ex at an event and had a civilised chat, he kissed me on the cheek and I kissed his cheek back in a Londoners' way - felt nothing, it was like kissing a door!

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